by lanie love
“Do you want to see a picture of her?” I rush to my bag to retrieve it.
“Your father gave it to me to give to you and Nathan.” I say, handing her the now framed photo. She takes it from my hand and gasps as she looks at her mother for the first time since Bernadette came into her life and destroyed all that was good in it. I hold her as she hugs her mother’s photo to her heart and sobs uncontrollably. I give her all the comfort I can until her crying subsides and she looks at the photo once again. “She was very beautiful.”
“I couldn’t remember her, really, but I always remembered she smelled of the bakery and how she would let me go to work with her all the time because I loved it there. It was like I was in a real-life gingerbread house with all those sweets. She died on my birthday.” She sniffs her nose, gathering herself once again. “How?”
How am I supposed to tell her this part?
“There was a break-in at the bakery. Your mother was there and she interrupted them. She was killed.” I say it as easy and right to the point as I can. I pray she doesn’t ask for more than that, but I know her too well.
“But the party was at my house, not at the bakery? Why would she be there? Was she called into work?”
“No, Sweetheart, she wasn’t. She needed to get something from there, though. She was there to get your cake and she was only supposed to be there for a minute.”
“She… she died because of me.” She immediately thrusts the blame on herself.
“No.” I yell the word, all but demanding she accepts it. “No, Sweetheart. No, that’s not right. Please, don’t think that.”
“But my father thought that. That’s what you don’t want to tell me isn’t it, Michael? He blamed me.”
“Sweetheart.” I try to calm her down.
“That’s why he never helped. He hated me because he blamed me. I always wondered why he just changed so much. He stopped caring about me and that’s why, because of what I did to my mother.”
“Jane, listen to me.” I grab hold of her shoulders ready to shake sense into her if need be. “You didn’t cause that to happen.” She shakes herself out of my grasp, getting up, refusing to listen to me. I can see her plummeting into a pit of self-loathing and I am desperate to stop it. “Look at her.” I stand in front of her, holding the photo of her mother up so she can see it. “Do you think she would want you to feel this way about what happened to her? It would break her heart to know that you are blaming yourself for something neither one of you had any control over. Your mother loved you. She loves you. You know that to be true. Please don’t taint her memory by feeling this way. Sweetheart, you’re just getting the memories of her back, please, don’t do this.”
She nods her head. Her delicate fingers encircle the frame of her mother’s photo again. A tiny smile plays on her lips as she outlines her mother’s face with the tip of her fingers.
“I know you’re right. It’s just so hard not to feel guilty. How… how did she die? What did they do to her?”
“No.”
“I need to know.”
“Not right now, you don’t. You’ve had enough.”
“I can decide when I’ve had enough.”
“Jane, I’ve had nearly as much therapy as you have. I know when someone’s reached their limit. You are not ready to hear that.”
“Fine.” She says, venomously and then sighs with concession. “You’re right.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I said you’re right, Michael. Enjoy it while it lasts.”
“Oh, I intend to take full advantage.” I pat the spot next to me on the couch and she comes to sit with me. “What else do you remember about her?”
“Her hair.” She says with a laugh. “It was long and I don’t think she liked it that way. She tried to keep it pulled back, but it was still always in her face. She would let me play in it. She and Nate would sit on the floor in the living room listening to his record player and I would be busy behind her combing her hair. And she would have to bribe me awake every morning.”
“She did.”
“Yeah, I was never a morning person.”
“I’m aware.” I say and she laughs. “How would she get you to wake up?”
“She would come into my room and open the curtains to let the sun in so I could see outside. She would tell me about all the wonderful things that were out there just waiting for me to find them. By the time she was done, I couldn’t wait to get up and get started. We would spend a lot of time in her flower garden. Sunflowers were her favorite.” I pull her into my arm as I listen to all the wonderful memories of her mother. Thanking God, once again, that she had her.
Chapter Fourteen
Indian Summer 1968
Michael
It’s been six weeks since my trip to San Francisco.
The days following, Jane was plagued with nightmares. She’d often woken up screaming to the point where she was inconsolable. Nathan pressured her to take medication to aid in her anxiety, but she refused. She still won’t even tell me what the nightmares were about, but I have some ideas. I’m relieved that at least she does see a therapist now twice a week and it seems to be helping her.
She spends a lot of time focusing on the wedding and opening up her bakery soon after. I offered to hire a wedding planner, but she wants nothing to do with it. She insists on doing it herself. I worry that it all might be too much, so I call in reinforcements: it’s Mom and Jimmy Junior to the rescue.
Mom is helping Jane with all of the details of the wedding. Every other day she pops in with arms full of color schemes, invitation samples, and bridal magazines for her to choose from.
Nightly, our bed is covered with samples as we sit looking them over. Jane wants to include me in the decision-making process, but I really don’t care about the color scheme or the invitations or even my tux for that matter. As long as she’s not dressing me in pink, I’m fine with it. But to be honest, even in pink, I’d show up to marry her, wearing it proudly.
Happily, I have now been weeded out of the smaller details and am now only helping with the food, music, and guest list. Jane and I want a small, intimate wedding, but as we go through our list of people to invite, we fear that might not happen. She asks if I want to include business associates and I tell her absolutely not. This is our wedding, not some work event. Of course, that’s shot to hell when she insists on inviting Rafe from the Mission. Hopefully, we can ease him in without anyone else I work with getting wind of it. So far, we’ve been able to keep it all hush hush, but I know the moment our wedding date is announced, all bets are off.
I gave Mom my American Express Executive card with the authorization to do whatever she has to do to get Jane whatever it is she wants. Mom will get it done. Underneath that ladylike exterior is a tigress.
Jimmy has the task of finding a prime location for the bakery. He’s had much success in bringing restaurants to our hotels and he knows what to look for and what all it will take to get everything up to code so, we let him have at it. He already knows that time and cost is not an issue.
Dad was a little put out that he didn’t get a phone call to help, so I threw him a bone and put him in charge of planning my bachelor party, much to Jimmy’s dissatisfaction. I still laugh at him and Dad racing into the living room, each trying to be the first to speak to me.
“Are you seriously going to put the geriatric in charge of a bachelor party?” Jimmy speaks first, winning the race. “I’m pulling rank, as your best man, it is my job to plan the party.”
“Well, I am the father of the groom. My rank outranks yours. Besides, I already promised Grandma Estabrook she could pop out of the wedding cake. You know how she likes to cut a rug.”
Jimmy and I both groan, as I try to choke down the bile that’s risen to my throat.
****
Nathan just returned from San Francisco. He spent a week tying up loose ends. He moved his practice to LA and he wanted to be sure his patients handled the transition to th
eir new psychiatrists well. He also tied up loose ends with his father.
Dick had several insurance policies. That, and the sale of what was left of his dealership, totaled close to two million dollars. Bernadette spit nails when she’d learned that Dick had secretly changed his benefactors to Nathan and Jane. Everything he owned was boxed up and delivered here. Bernadette had the good sense not to send it herself considering my warning the last time we spoke.
Nathan and Jane spent an afternoon looking through the contents of the box which was filled with mostly sentimental things from their lives that Dick had managed to hold on to. Pictures of Barbara Rose and Dick and a picture of Nathan holding Jane when she was a baby, now joins the family portraits we have on our wall. But the one I will cherish the most, the one I keep on my desk in my home office, is a picture of Jane, as a little girl standing fearlessly and defiantly on a playground swing.
Their mother’s wedding rings were also included in the belongings. I asked Jane if she wanted to wear her mother’s engagement ring instead of the one I gave her, but she decided to give it to Nathan. I think that was her not so subtle hint to let him know he needs to marry his girlfriend who just agreed to relocate to LA with him. I think it’s because she has wedding fever.
****
“What do you think about April for the wedding,” I say as we lay in bed now, flipping through the calendar. We’ve decided on a Spring wedding since we both love the season. I suggested March, but she was born in that month. She says it’s bad luck. I think she just made that up, but I conceded. “That will give us about three months.” She grabs next year’s calendar and flips to view April calendar.
“Okay, I like April. What about the 5th? Four five, we can’t get any luckier than that?”
“It’s a date.” I take her into my arms and kiss her, happy to finally have it settled. In just a few months she will be Mrs. Michael Mason.
****
Jane
I called Norma this morning to let her know the date and time we decided on. She was just as excited as Michael and I was. We decided to meet up today at the bridal shop to look at the selection of dresses that just came in, but I first make plans to see Michael. He had an early morning meeting and I missed waking up with him. I make my way to the elevator at Estabrook. I want to surprise him with lunch. Betty has cleared his schedule for the next two hours so we won’t be disturbed.
“Jane.” Bob says when I run into him and Donna. “How are you?” I greet them with a smile.
“Things are going good.”
Donna screams excitedly and takes my hands as she looks me over.
“My outfit.” She says proudly, getting a look at what I’m wearing.
“Of course.” I tell her. “I still read the newsletter.”
“Are you coming back to work with us?” They both ask at the same time.
“No, I’m just here to visit Michael. I’m having lunch delivered.”
“Awwww, how romantic.” Donna gushes as I step into the elevator.
“I’ll see you guys later.” I wave at them before making it to Michael’s office and opening the door.
“Darn.” I say as I already see the food has arrived. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”
“Oh, I was surprised, Sweetheart.” He says getting up to kiss me hello. “I missed you.” He cups my breast, eyeing them in the tight sweater I’m wearing.
“I’m up here, Michael.” I tell him, directing his eyes back to my face. He begins to nuzzle my neck and I don’t even try to stop him. “You keep this up and our food is not going to be fit to eat.”
“Don’t worry. The heat I feel coming off of you right now will keep it nice and warm.”
“Jeez, Louise.” I say laughing, pushing him away. “I’m supposed to meet your mom at the bridal shop in a few hours. Do you really want me to smell like we’ve been getting it on all day? Don’t answer that!”
I’m feeling so at ease eating with him. I’ve been jumpy for some time now. I just can’t seem to keep it together for long, but right now I feel wonderful. I just hope it lasts.
****
“What is it?” Michael watches me clean up the mess we made from lunch. He can always read my moods. It’s one of the many things I love about him. “Why are you smiling?”
“I’m afraid to say. I don’t want to risk something happening to it.”
“Something happening to what?”
“This.” I gesture between the two of us. “I’m afraid to say it out loud because I don’t want anything to ruin it.”
“Say it.” He whispers to me.
“I’m just… happy. I never thought I could be this happy.”
“I know the feeling, Sweetheart…” He looks down in annoyance at his ringing phone. He knows Betty didn’t put the call through so it has to be someone who knows the exact line. “Michael Mason.” He answers the way he does when he doesn’t know who it is. He looks into my eyes as he listens. Unfortunately, I can only hear his end of the conversation. “When?” He looks at his wristwatch. “Yes, she has stepchildren, but no, they are estranged and her husband recently passed away. There is no next of kin listed? I don’t understand why she would name me. She and I ended our relationship years ago. I’m going to hand the call over to my secretary. Just give her the information and I will get back to you. Yes, I understand. I will call you before the week’s end.” He holds the call and speaks to Betty. When he’s sure she has it, he turns his attention back to me. I’ve never seen him turn so pale, so quickly.
“What?”
“Bernadette.” He says.
“What about her?” I ask the question, but I’m not sure if I really want to know. Because I knew something like this would happen. Every time I admit I’m happy something bad always happens. Bernadette always knows.
“She’s dead.” He says. “She was sleeping with the teenage son of her boss and he found out about it. She was found naked in bed, mutilated. Her boss has been arrested.”
“She’s dead?” My head starts to spin a little.
“Sweetheart, I know what you’re thinking, but this has nothing to do with you admitting you’re happy. Please, don’t think that way.”
“I’m not.” I assure him. “Not at all. I thought you were going to say she was on her way here to hurt me, or that she’d already done something to hurt me. All my life, I’ve been looking over my shoulder, waiting for her to get me, but now…” I stop to take a breath. It is the freshest, most cleansing breath I’ve taken in years. I’ve never been able to breathe so easily.
“You don’t have to do that anymore.” He finishes for me.
“Am I wrong to feel this relieved about someone dying in such a horrible way?”
“She tortured you for years when you were defenseless against her. It’s not wrong to want to feel safe and to feel that now that she’s gone.”
“I’m glad she’s gone, but I would never wish that on anyone.”
“It’s no more than what she deserved. Um, sweetie, I know this isn’t a good time, but Betty just told me that since we’re both here, the employees want to reveal who won the raffle with a little engagement party. We can always reschedule it.”
“Are you kidding? I don’t want to reschedule. I want to celebrate with them. I’m not going to let my past run my life anymore. My dad is gone and Bernadette is gone. I won’t give them another moment of my life.” I scream in surprise as he picks me up and spins me around.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” I hold him tight.
Chapter Fifteen
Indian Summer 1968
Michael
We make our way to the first-floor conference hall where many of my staff waits for us to start the celebration. Jane’s face lights up as we enter the room and see the large crowd waiting for us. We receive a round of applause and shouts of congratulations.
Everyone was anxious to see who won the poll and I was happy to announce that Clarence, Estabrook’s head of mainte
nance for the past three years, guessed the right wedding date and won. Needless to say, he was beside himself with joy, especially since his wife is due to give birth any day now with twins. Secretly, I double the amount of the winnings.
“Speech! Speech!” They all chant, once champagne has been passed around.
“Well.” I say. “I would first like to thank you all for coming and celebrating with us today. I would also like to thank this beautiful woman for agreeing to put up with me for the rest of her life.”
“Lord, help her.” Jimmy bellows out and everyone including myself laughs.
“Oh, I can’t wait for the wedding.” Donna says, bouncing up and down with excitement.
Jane and I look at each other. I can see that, like me, it never dawned on her anyone from Estabrook would want to come. Now, thinking about it, it makes sense that they would, since they’ve been here watching it all happen between us from the beginning.
“Small weddings are overrated anyway.” She whispers to me and I smirk at her, taking her by the waist and pulling her close to me.
****
“I don’t know how I’m going to fit into any kind of dress with all that food and champagne I just had.” Jane says, as I walk her to her car. Ritter is following discreetly behind us. “No need to worry. You could show up in a burlap sack and still be the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen.”
“When did you become so wonderful?” She wraps her arms around my shoulders and kisses me.
“I think it has something to do with this girl that ran into the front of my car a while back.”
“She must be one cool chick.” She says and laughs when I make my eyebrows dance at her. Making sure she is safely in the car, I give her one last kiss and warn Ritter to take care of her before watching him drive her away.