by lanie love
“I’m not as strong as you are though. I could never be that strong.” I say.
“Nooo.” She waves the accolade away.
“You are plenty strong. You just have to believe it and tap into it.” She stops and checks the time, gets up, puts some coffee on, and settles back down next to me. “Your Grandpa will be up from his nap soon.” She says. “It took me a long time to deal with my demons. I wish I would have learned how to set the pieces down sooner instead of trying to put them all back together and make them perfect. But I guess being able to do that comes with experience. My strength comes from the people who love me, especially your grandpa. He and Nathan were like life rafts in my deep sea. They had the strongest of arms to hold me and the gentlest of hands to wipe my tears. You’ve experienced a love like that with grandpa, but I want you to have the other kind of love too. The one you get from sharing your life with someone, even though, I almost blew it.”
“By saying you wouldn’t marry Grandpa?”
“Ha!” He says, coming into the kitchen. “Fat chance. I wasn’t going to let her get away that easy. Coffee?”
“Just made a fresh pot.” She says, shaking her head at him going over and filling up a large ceramic cup with the strong jet-black brew. “You sure you got enough there, old man?”
“This is the thanks I get for giving up smoking.” He says to me. “I have to hear grief about my coffee.”
“Yeah, well, enjoy it. Soon, you’ll be giving that up too, according to your last doctor visit.” She says. He sits the cup down on the table with a groan like she just stabbed him in the gut.
“I don’t know what I was thinking, not letting her get away.” He says to me. I giggle- snort through the tears I’m still shedding.
“Ohhhh, poo.” She throws the towel from her apron at him.
“Look what came back from restoration today.” He untucks a gray elephant from under his arm.
“Mr. Mason.” Grandma and I squeal together at seeing her old friend. A sharp breath enters my lungs when I realize he was my old friend too.
“He’s the same one you gave me when Mom died.” I tell grandpa, who winks at me.
“Yes, he is.” Grandma says. She takes Mr. Mason, hugs him, then hands him to me. “He’s always been a really good listener.”
“I remember.” I say, rubbing his trunk. He caught many of my tears those first few nights I lost Mom.
“He was no easy win, let me tell ya.” He says of the elephant. “Neither was your grandma, but the way she makes this coffee…” He blows the steam from his piping hot cup before taking a loud sip. “She’s worth it.”
“Despite him being his normal self, I do love your grandpa.” She says, eyeing him. “I wanted your father to have that same kind of love and he did. He was blessed to have found your mother, even if it was for such a short time. And now, I want the same for you. I gave you that diary because I wanted you to understand how life-changing love can be, how healing it is to the soul. I want you to find that kind of love because you deserve it.”
“I wish I can have that too, but it won’t be with Beau. We broke up.”
“We figured as much. A man not unpacking his things says a lot.”
“There is kind of someone else though.”
“That bastard. I’m going to kill him.” Grandpa says, slamming his fist on the table.
“No, I don’t think she means for him, Michael.”
“Oh, well now, that’s a horse of a different color.” He settles back down, content with sipping his coffee again. “Are you in love with this new fella?”
“I don’t know, Grandpa. He wants to see where we can take things, but I don’t think it’ll work.”
“How come? If he’s turning your head, he might be worthy of a shot.” He says.
“We didn’t start the best way. It’s not like he ran into me with his car or something great like that. And I really don’t see him getting on death trap Ferris wheels for me either. He doesn’t even believe in love.” I kiss them both and take Mr. Mason to my room for a good long cry.
“She’s so much like you.” I hear grandpa say to Grandma Jane. “Maybe she needs a good talking to. Like I had to do to you when you told me that you wouldn’t marry me nonsense.
Indian Summer of 1968
Michael
“You don’t want to marry me anymore?”
“I don’t think you should want to marry me, Michael. I think you’re making a big mistake.”
“Sweetheart, listen to me.” I start to argue but she turns from me, refusing to hear it.
“I thought with my dad and Bernadette gone, I would be okay, but I’m not. I’m still having nightmares every night and now I’m being triggered over a stupid slice of cake. I don’t even know what to watch out for anymore. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this with me?”
“Yes!” I quickly yell out. “I want that more than anything else in the world. Jane, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself.”
“I don’t want you to regret loving me one day. I don’t want you to wake up and realize that you’ve wasted your life on me. What happens if it gets worse? What happens if I end up lost for years like I was before? I will not be a burden to you.”
“Mary Jane Winters, you are the love of my life.” I grab hold of both her arms, spinning her around, and forcing her to look at me. “You will never be a burden to me. I have my own demons to fight, remember? Am I a burden to you?”
“No, but you’re not spacing out for hours and days at a time either.”
“What if I was, would it stop you from loving me, from wanting to be with me.”
“Of course not.”
“We are in this together, you and I.” I cup her face, willing her to stare into my eyes and see the truth. “I can’t go through life without you, Jane. It was meaningless before you. Please, don’t pull away from me. You’ll take my life with you.”
“I love you so much.” She says, holding me for dear life. I take comfort in her not wanting to let me go either. “I just want what’s best for you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then, marry me?”
“But, Michael, you don’t know. You don’t know how bad it can get.”
“Marry me.”
“But… I—"
“Marry. Me.”
Her eyes search mine for any signs of doubt and her blue orbs glisten when she sees none.
“Yes.” That smile I love so much lights up her face. “Yes, I will marry you.”
We spend the night connecting with one another. All communication with the outside world has been shut off with the exception of a single phone mounted on the kitchen wall. Everyone was given strict orders to call only in an emergency. Of course, Jane still needs to talk to her therapist, so she calls her freely and Nathan if she needs to. We take our time, enjoying the week, taking long walks on the private beach and lounging by the pool. Only venturing out today on Jane’s birthday. This morning I made her breakfast in bed. The pancakes and bacon weren’t all that edible I admit, so I had some delivered to us.
“I know you don’t want to celebrate your birthday this year, but I couldn’t help myself.” I say, handing her the birthday gift I got for her.
“You shouldn’t have gotten me anything.” She says, like me not getting her anything was ever going to happen. Patiently, I wait while she opens her gift. “Michael.” She squeals as she lifts up the stationary set with her bakery logo emblazoned at the top. Her delicate fingers trace over the bright orange and yellow peach pie. She’d spent hours with Bob designing it just right. “It’s perfect.” She throws her arms around me. “Thank you.” She looks to see what else is in the box “Bumper stickers too. I can’t wait to put these on the Maserati when we get back home.”
“Uhhhh.”
“What?”
“Oh, nothing. Nothing, it’s just, it’s a Maserati, Sweetheart.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing.” I
scratch the back of my head, scowling at the thought of the Maserati with peach pie bumper stickers all over it, until I remember my saving grace. “You know, your Edsel is waiting for you back home.”
“Are you pulling my leg? I thought it was a lost cause.”
“It’s good as new.” Actually, it’s a thousand times better. I had that sucker gutted and overhauled. Everything from the seats to the steering wheel was redone. “I know how much you love it.” It was her mother’s car. Keeping every inch of her memory alive is important to her, so it is vital to me.
“You are beyond unbelievable.” She jumps in my arms and peppers me with kisses.
The whole day is spent with me being at her beck and call. She really took advantage of me, forcing me to give her orgasms throughout the day. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t thoroughly enjoy it myself. We’ve just come in from a night of dinner and dancing. She really enjoyed it. She slept through the night without a nightmare for the first time in a week. I wake up with her soft in my arms.
“Mmmm.” She stirs. “Breakfast?” It’s more like lunch since it’s well after noon.
“You read my mind.” I pull her even closer.
“That’s not what I meant.” She laughs. Shooing me away while she gets out of bed.
We sit, full from the delicious omelet she made, out on the patio. She’s tucked between my legs as we watch the boats sail past us in the distance.
“I don’t want to lose myself again.” She says, finally opening up and telling me her nightmares are about slipping so far that she has to be put back in the mental hospital. “I don’t want to ever go back to that place inside myself.”
“Where do you go when you leave me?” I ask her, pressing my lips on her shoulder as she pulls my arms tighter around her.
“I go where it’s dark and quiet. It used to feel safe, but now it scares me because it means that I’m alone and away from you. I want to stay here with you.”
“I want that too.” The words are so inadequate as to how very much I want her to stay with me. “How did you get back the last time?”
“I knew you were waiting. I fought my way to you.”
“Then, that’s what you have to do.” I tell her, turning her so she’ll look at me. “Whenever you feel like you are going to go away. You fight. You fight for us, because I will always be waiting.”
****
The week flies by and we spend our last night watching the sunset on the beach.
“I’m going to miss this place.” She says. “Maybe we can just come here on our honeymoon.”
“You really like it here that much?”
“I love it. It’s like we are on our own little island.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it, Sweetheart.” I tell her, kissing the top of her head. “We’ll come back again soon.”
We return home and slowly Jane begins to find her footing and gain confidence in herself again. She is sleeping through the night and spending a few hours a day with Jimmy overseeing the bakery renovations.
Determining that she is finally strong enough, Nathan is now slowly exposing her to things that have triggered her in the past and he is helping her find new coping mechanisms. I don’t think cockroaches will ever be scratched off the list, but I’m glad that it seems to be working. I find her smiling more now without any fear that someone will take her happiness away.
*****
The night before the wedding.
April 4, 1969
“I can’t believe we are actually spending the night apart. It is really the dumbest tradition I have ever heard of.” I pitch a hissy fit to Jimmy while we are in his apartment getting ready for my bachelor party. He finally relented and allowed Dad to throw it for me.
“It’s only one night and you’ll never have to be apart again,” he says, slapping me on my back. “I can’t believe that in less than twenty-four hours, you are going to be married.”
“I sure am.” My chest rises with so much pride that he wants to smack the smug look off my face. “Hey, I’m sorry I cut you off at the legs, but I just couldn’t let you have her, little brother.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You were going to make a play for Jane.” I remind him of that first night we were all together for dinner.
“I was only fooling with you.” He laughs. “I knew you liked her. We all knew you liked her. Mom told me to rag on you so you would get off your butt and make a move. She really is a great girl. You lucky dog.”
“Don’t start getting sappy on me now.” I say. “Come on, Dad’s waiting. Let’s get this show on the road.”
****
Jane
“I can’t believe it,” Robin, Nate’s fiancée and my maid of honor, says. “Do you know what your wonderful brother just told me when I walked him to the door.” She says “wonderful” like it’s foul.
“What?” I hiccup the word. I’m feeling way too tipsy from my fourth martini and Norma is all out drunk. Only Robin seems to be making sense right now as she joins us back in the living room.
“They’ve hired strippers for Michael’s party!”
“Are you kidding?” I say, trying to sound serious, but I just blew it with a giggle at the end. My tongue is thick and I sound funny when I talk.
“Well.” Norma says ticked off. “I say we go and crash it.” She lifts up her martini glass to toast us then tries to drink it, but Robin takes it away and downs it herself.
“Mom, you’re drunk.” I say. She wants me to call her mom already and I have to admit, I love calling her that. “We can’t just bail out on everyone.” She scans the room of girls: Betty is here with Donna and they brought some of their friends, not to mention, girls who just happen to show up. Who knows how they found out about the party.
“Let’s take ‘em with us.” I think that’s what Mom slurs. About twenty girls pack into my Edsel. Robin drives. She’s constantly checking the rear-view mirror for the fuzz. “It’s like Saturday night on the strip.” Mom says, but I have no idea what she’s talking about. “You really need to get out more, Jane, dear.”
Michael
Jimmy Junior and his Goddamn strippers!
“I thought you agreed to let Dad plan this.” I tell him after I just tossed one half-naked woman off of my lap.
We both look over at Dad. He has a noise maker, twirling it over his head to the music, as a stripper shimmies her barely covered cleavage in his face.
“Yeah, geriatric my ass.” I laugh at Jimmy.
My face turns stone white when I see a gaggle of girls enter the apartment and three of them being Mom, Robin, and Jane.
“Red alert!” I yell to Dad. But it’s too late. He is already drowning in a large pitcher of spiked punch that Mom just poured over his head. She gives a look to the stripper and the poor girl runs off, terrified.
Jimmy is left howling on the floor in laughter as I go over to Jane, trying to get myself out of hot water.
“Sweetheart, I swear I had nothing to do with it.” My hands are up in surrender. She grabs me, and pulls me into a searing kiss that makes me moan.
“Let’s party.” She says.
Jimmy Junior’s apartment is shoulder to shoulder with people, so we move the party out by the pool. I think half the people in his damn apartment building show up outside to join in.
He really did it, is my only thought as a huge wedding cake gets wheeled out in the middle of the yard. Music starts to play and I just about die when Grandma pops out with her Marilyn Monroe type party dress on and a Miss America type sash draped across her chest. She shakes and shimmies as the crowd cheers her on.
Mom hides behind my dad in shame.
“You couldn’t put your mother in the cake.” She says to him. The rest of us are crying so hard from laughing. Jimmy takes a picture of me and Dad as we run over and kiss her cheeks before we help her out of the cake so she can enjoy the party.
April 5, 1969
You are cordially invited to atte
nd
the wedding of
Mr. Michael Mason and Miss Mary Jane Winters
Three hours before the wedding.
"Did you have a good time last night, Sweetheart?" I lay in our big lonely bed by myself talking to Jane.
"The best time, from what all I can remember." Her laugh turns into a groan. I know she’s fighting one hell of a headache.
"How's your hangover?"
"It's better. Mom doped me up pretty good, so I'm okay." She says. I smile at the warm way she says mom. When I was first approached about it, Mom was worried that Jane would be uncomfortable about the idea, but her worries were put to rest when Jane flung her arms around her neck.
"In less than three hours you are going to be all mine."
"I'm already all yours."
"No more doubts?"
"Not a one. I'll see you in a few hours."
"Yes, you will. I love you."
****
One hour before the wedding
"How do I look?" I ask Dad and Jimmy as I smooth down the breast of my navy-blue tuxedo. It’s the color Jane thinks I look the best in.
"Like a million bucks." Dad says, giving me a 1000watt smile.
"Yeah, that's probably how much the damn thing cost." Jimmy slaps me on the arm.
"I still can't believe it." Dad starts in again, looking at me. We’ve had these sentimental moments since Jane and I got engaged. "It seems like only yesterday I was bringing you and your mother home from the hospital. You were no bigger than a minute. Now, look at you, getting married and starting a family of your own. I've never been so proud to be a man's father, as I am today, son."
"Hey, I am standing right here." Jimmy says to dad, pretending to be hurt.
"Oh, now come on, let your brother have his moment. You'll get the same speech when you get married."
"In that case, I'm never going to hear it. No way am I ever getting married. It's too many of them out there. I can't settle for just one. I was born for free love."
"You’ll be singing another tune when you find the right one." Dad says, and Jimmy looks at the two of us, writing us off as crazy.