by Helena Stone
Chapter Four
Heather hated the blush creeping up her cheeks. Again. She had to stop this ridiculous behavior. Why did being around Jason make her so insecure? Everything about him set her nerves on edge. The way he looked at her, the light kiss he had given her, his hand holding hers. All of it made her feel things she hadn’t felt in a long time. Images jumped into her mind of pool tables and everything you could do with them and on them, when you weren’t trying to pot balls.
She listened to Jason telling her more about the various rooms they walked by while her mind went back to the moment when he’d looked into her eyes. She hadn’t been able to stop herself. She’d lowered her gaze instinctively as soon as his met hers. She wanted to pretend it had meant nothing, that anybody would have done the same thing, but she’d be lying. She’d lowered her eyes because everything in her system had demanded it. A small part of her had yearned to fall to her knees and stay there until he told her to get up again.
When Jason released her hand and placed his on the small of her back while steering her into the restaurant, it barely registered. The room was dimly lit, dark enough to make it hard to clearly see the other diners, and the atmosphere was intimate.
The table Jason led her to was set in a rather private corner. Heather didn’t know how she felt about that. Until this afternoon it had all been simple. Her only intention, when she’d accepted this job, had been to resurrect her business. This party was supposed to be the perfect opportunity to let her customers know her retreat into obscurity had ended. She had not expected to feel anything resembling lust, never mind the need to submit. She wasn’t ready to deal with these feelings or the sultry atmosphere around her. She needed this to be a pure and simple business meeting far removed from the confusing emotions assaulting her. She’d been so sure she would never feel attracted to another man again and resented her feelings for betraying her. And yet…
A sharp dart of anger shot through Heather. Damn Jason. If only he’d been someone else. Working with a stranger would have been so much easier. Now she had to deal with this attractive, dominant and kind man while memories of their first meeting, twenty years ago, were snaking their way back into her mind, taking on an importance they’d never had in the past.
“I’ve ordered for both of us. I hope you don’t mind.”
Jason’s voice brought her out of her thoughts and back to the present.
“We’re having small portions of most dishes I would like to serve during the weekend. Let me know what you think.”
She jumped on the opportunity to get away from confusing personal thoughts and concentrate on work.
“I love that idea, Jason. In fact, I’m looking forward to hearing about your plans for the party.”
She knew she sounded both relieved and over eager, but she couldn’t help it. Anything had to be better than the thoughts and feelings running through her head, trying to destabilize her.
“I’m going to need a lot more details before I can make useful recommendations, beyond the ones I discussed with Karl.”
She looked up into Jason’s dark eyes and forced herself not to look away. This was business. And she’d better remember it before she either made a fool of herself or left an impression she’d no intention of living up to.
“I thought we might leave those discussions for tomorrow, Heather.” His smile suggested he knew exactly where her thoughts had taken her. “I want to get to know you again, find out what you have been up to for the past twenty years.”
She couldn’t hold his gaze any longer. Her eyes would betray too many of the feelings rushing through her, so she looked down and admired the small bowl of cucumber soup a waiter had placed in front of her. Taking a taste, she was delighted with the combination of cold and creamy in her mouth and grateful for the few seconds of respite it bought her.
“This is delicious, Jason.”
Heather was all too aware of Jason’s gaze on her as she enjoyed her soup. She knew he wanted a response to his suggestion. Feck it. She’d have to be honest and hope he’d understand. Forcing herself to look into his eyes again, Heather took a deep breath. “I’m not sure I can do that, Jason.” Seeing he was about to interrupt her, she continued, “I’m trying to move forward, revisiting my past will only hold me back.”
“But”—Jason hesitated for a moment—“aren’t your memories happy ones?”
Shit. She so didn’t want to get into this right now. “Yes. Yes they are, but it hurts they’re only memories. It shouldn’t be my past. I should be doing this with Darren, not on my own.” She hated the tears trying to make their way to her eyes, betraying themselves in her voice. “I’m not sure I can do this if I don’t keep the past behind me, where it belongs.” She felt the one tear rolling down her cheek despite her best efforts to hold it back. “Please don’t make me do this.”
“I’m sorry.”
Jason brushing the tear from her cheek fueled her confused feelings even further.
“I won’t ask you again if it’s too painful. Sure, we can talk about anything you want.”
It was pathetic how relieved and grateful she felt. “I’d love to hear all about your life though, Jason. How did you end up owning The Blowhole? I know it’s not fair to ask when I’m not willing to share”—she smiled—“but I am very curious.”
She couldn’t suppress the sigh of relief when Jason sat back in his chair and nodded his head.
“I guess that’s only fair. You need information about me, and what I want to achieve if you’re going to help me. And I suppose I do know more about the work you do, thanks to your company website, than you could ever have found out about me.”
Heather sat back and took a long sip from her glass of wine while Jason started.
“After Wexford—you do remember Wexford, don’t you, Heather?”
As if by magic, his words brought her back to that glorious summer when she’d only been eighteen years old. It had been her first holiday without her parents, without any adults to restrict her freedom. The summer before she’d started college, the summer before she’d met… No, she wasn’t going there.
Once she’d switched her thoughts off again, she found she enjoyed listening to Jason as he revisited those weeks in Wexford. The long sunny days on the beach, the lazy afternoons and those midnight walks all had conspired to make it six weeks of pure pleasure. The more he talked, the more vivid her memories of those days became.
She and her friend Moira had only just settled into their cottage when they’d run into Jason and Rick, who were staying next door.
Heather nodded her thanks as a waiter placed a small seafood platter in the middle of the table and smiled when she remembered how they’d paired off almost immediately.
“There was one moment, Heather, when I thought you were the one for me.”
She thought she heard regret in Jason’s voice and despite her reservations, Heather opened her mouth.
“Then why did you pick Moira?”
Jason’s smile held a quality she couldn’t identify.
“Remember what we were like back then, Heather. You were so innocent and Moira was… Hell, Moira was Moira. She was up for anything and didn’t have an innocent bone in her body. I hadn’t yet figured out what I wanted and needed at the time, but I knew it wasn’t innocence.”
The naughty smile on Jason’s face did funny things to Heather’s insides.
“The things I wanted to do to you, everything I ended up doing to, and with, Moira, all the experiences she brought me. Back then I couldn’t imagine you in those scenarios.” The smile turned wistful. “Maybe if I’d known then what I know now, I would have made a different choice. But can you honestly say you were ready that summer for everything you discovered later on in life?”
Heather felt herself relax further. These were good memories to focus on and she allowed herself to go back there. Jason was right. She had been innocent. It hadn’t lasted much longer, but during those weeks, she’d still thought all
she needed was someone to love, someone who would treat her as if she was fragile. Those were the days when cuddling brought all the excitement she needed. Fucking, or lovemaking as she had thought of it at the time, had been something to save for the future and the someone special she’d hoped to meet one day. Back then she’d wanted attention and validation far more than intimacy, and Rick had fitted those needs perfectly.
She barely noticed as the dish of Eastern treats was placed in front of her by the unobtrusive waiter.
“You were right, of course, Jason. I wasn’t ready.” Heather couldn’t stop herself from grinning. “Although I think the vibes you and Moira sent out did have a lot to do with my later curiosity.” She allowed her mind to flow freely for a moment. “I think I needed Darren to fully awaken those needs in me.”
Shock robbed Heather of her words. She couldn’t believe she’d said that. She’d been so determined to keep Darren out of her dealings with Jason. Wexford was supposed to be a safe subject between them. Bless Jason for ignoring her last statement, as if he knew how much she’d surprised herself when she’d said those words.
“Heather, you and Rick looked good together back then. I thought you two were well matched.”
She thought she might be imagining it, but for a moment Jason seemed troubled.
“I remember you as being happy. Weren’t you? Was I fooling myself? Trying to make myself feel better about picking the easier option?”
Her heart made a little jump inside her chest, taking Heather by surprise. As she delved into a salmon-filled pastry wrap, she wondered why the fact that Jason had felt the same attraction she had experienced, made her happy. It was safer to not explore that line of thought right now though.
Smiling at the handsome man across the table, she shook her head.
“No. You were right. Rick and I were well matched. I don’t think either of us was ever in love. But the attraction was there.”
She paused. How honest did she want to be? If she wasn’t prepared to talk about Darren, should she not at least have the courage to admit to everything she’d felt and thought before she had met him?
“Don’t get me wrong, Jason. I didn’t spend those six weeks pining for you. But I would catch you looking at me and in those moments I always had these ‘what if’ scenarios running through my head.”
They’d also shared an afternoon on the beach. She wasn’t going to mention that though. Not unless he did.
Without thinking her next words through, Heather continued. “When I found out later that you’d said…”
She couldn’t finish that sentence. If Jason had never said those words, saying them out loud now would be too embarrassing. Even if it were true, she didn’t want him to think it was still important to her now. Because it wasn’t—it couldn’t be.
“That I said what?” The tone in his voice left her in no doubt Jason knew exactly what she hadn’t said. His teasing smile only added to her embarrassment.
“Never mind. Forget I said anything. I must be misremembering things.”
Jason just continued to smile. “That I’d said that if I were to ever marry, it would be to a girl like you.”
Strange how it wasn’t difficult to admit to those words. Jason had meant them at the time. And he’d never married. Whether it was because he’d never met another woman like Heather was a question he didn’t want to answer right now—not even to himself. He’d never known those words had made it back to Heather, but he was glad they had. He could never have said them to her face back then, had been too much of a coward. Saying them now was easy though. He was glad she’d known how he felt about her. It was good to confirm now that she had been special to him, even if his actions had indicated otherwise.
“You remember that?”
He couldn’t disguise the wonder he felt. She still remembered those words, after all these years.
A warm smile lit up Heather’s face.
“Of course I remember. It’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said about me. It’s hard to imagine a bigger compliment than being the sort of person somebody hopes to marry.” The smile deepened. “Finding out you’d said those words did wonders for my self-esteem.”
Jason was glad the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of their desserts. The fresh strawberry mousse looked tempting, and watching Heather dive in with obvious pleasure gave him an excuse for the happy feelings rushing through him.
He hadn’t imagined it. Heather had been as interested in him when they were in Wexford as he’d been in her. While he regretted ignoring the attraction, he still felt it had been the right—the only—decision. He’d been so inexperienced then. All enthusiasm with nothing to back it up. Moira had been able to deal with that. She’d known what it was he needed, because she’d needed it too.
Against his better judgment he asked. “Are you saying Moira and I made you curious enough to find out more when you met Darren?”
Stupid.
The shutters came down. The warm smile evaporated as if it had never been. Pain and anger were clearly visible in her eyes. She’d told him she didn’t want to talk about her husband. He understood why and had still opened his big mouth.
“Heather, I’m sorry.” He picked up her hand and stroked his thumb over the soft flesh. “I had no right to ask that question and I don’t expect an answer.”
The weak smile she shared went a small way to alleviating the guilt he felt.
“Don’t apologize, Jason.”
He watched with admiration as she shook her head and visibly forced the tears and the pain back.
“Most, if not all, of the guests coming to your weekend know me only as part of Heather and Darren.”
He watched her as she stared off into the distance, as if the real implication behind her words only now became clear to her.
“If I’m going to be here then, and that is the plan, I’d better be prepared to talk about him. And about losing him.”
Jason could have sworn he saw the exact moment she made up her mind to find the strength somewhere.
“I’ll have to get used to talking about him.”
A weight he hadn’t known he’d been carrying lifted from his chest when she smiled rather ruefully.
“Do you mind if I use you as a guinea pig? If I get used to talking about Darren with you, it might make dealing with all those people who knew us as a couple, easier.”
“Not at all, I’d be honored.”
He looked at her, trying to figure out what her real feelings were. She might be pretending to make him feel better. It worried him that he couldn’t tell for sure.
“Yes, Karl?”
Jason looked up at his manager who had succeeded in approaching their table without being noticed, despite his size.
“You asked me to warn you when Hector was ready to proceed, Jason. He’ll be starting in about fifteen minutes.”
“Thank you, Karl. I’m not sure if… Never mind. You go back to what you were doing.” He saw the curiosity in Heather’s face and knew he had to explain. “I know I said we’d postpone the party planning until tomorrow, but I did want to show you one thing tonight, because I’m not sure we’ll have another opportunity.” He rushed on before Heather could ask questions. “Hector is my best Dom. He and his sub Amber are about to start a demonstration. They’ll be doing one or two during the weekend as well and I thought you should see what I have in mind.” He nearly didn’t say the next few words but forced them out anyway. “Now I’m not so sure though.”
This time he had no problem reading her facial expression as she thought about his words. Excitement, probably at the thought of a demonstration, almost immediately followed by fear as she realized watching it would bring her closer to her past then she’d been in over a year. He could only hope he’d managed to disguise his relief as he watched her take a deep breath and make up her mind.
“I appreciate your concern, Jason. But I think I should bite this particular bullet now. If it turns out to be m
ore than I can take, I’d rather find out tonight than during the festivities.”
So brave.
She amazed him and herself as well by the looks of her. Since he was still holding her hand, he used it to help her up.
“If it gets too much, just let me know and we’ll go, okay?”
The gratitude in her eyes as she nodded her head almost broke his heart. He had to live up to the trust she’d just placed in him. He had to protect her from getting hurt, even if it did mean denying the feelings growing stronger inside him. He’d find a way. He wouldn’t let her down.
He held a tight grip on her hand as he led her out of the restaurant and down the corridor to all those other play areas.
“You know this isn’t just a BDSM club.”
Of course he did get a lot of customers—the majority if he had to take a guess—from those who lived the lifestyle. He wasn’t aware of other clubs operating as a resort, not in Ireland. But quite a few of his customers were the sexually curious, those who wanted to find out what exactly was possible and available in a safe environment. He’d seen his fair share of bored couples arriving in the hope that a few days on the west coast of Ireland would reignite the fire in their relationship. He liked to think that most, if not all of the time, he delivered exactly what those people were expecting.
He led them through double doors into a wide, dimly lit hallway. “This first part of what we call the Recreational Area is reserved for our less adventurous visitors.” Pointing to the doors on either side of them he continued.
“Those rooms are all available to our guests to use as and when they please. They do contain some toys but nothing suggesting either bondage or pain.”
He shrugged. “Guests can request any other toy or implement they want from the staff, of course.”
He watched Heather as she took a good look around her, observing the few couples making their way to the free rooms, most of them so engrossed in each other they were barely aware of anybody besides themselves.
“Guests can, and most often do, close these doors if they want privacy, but none of the doors lock and all rooms are monitored by cameras.” He watched Heather switch into her professional persona. He’d been right to end the personal talk. She was far more at ease, now she could concentrate on her work rather than her memories.