by Helena Stone
Two hours to kill—the idea made her restless. She needed to move. She would drive herself crazy if she spent the next two hours trying to figure out what might be going on in Jason’s head.
She left her study and wandered through her home, taking in her surroundings one room at a time. Memories assaulted her and for the first time in eighteen months, she didn’t try to squash them down. She relished the pictures forming in her head.
She saw herself cuddled up with Darren on the long L-shaped couch reading or watching TV together. Her fingers trailed over the spines of the numerous books on the shelves as she shuddered at the thought of one day having to move them all. She remembered the parties they had thrown, the times when the house had been filled with happy people, good food and more often than not, steamy encounters.
She moved along, lost in her thoughts until her feet brought her to Darren’s old study—the only room in the house she hadn’t redecorated at all. Every other room had slowly transformed over time. They were hers now, no longer theirs. Not because she’d been trying to change things but because she’d been living here. In this room she’d made sure to leave everything the way it had always been. Whenever she walked into this study she could almost believe he was still with her or could come back at any moment.
She stepped behind his desk and opened and closed drawers without thinking, until her eyes fell on the envelope. She froze. Her mind stopped wandering. This was why she was here. She hadn’t consciously known it, but every step she’d taken since she’d left her own study had brought her closer to this moment.
Her mind flew back and the pictures were so vivid they brought tears to her eyes. Darren in bed, about four months before he died. Both of them had known they were heading for the end and they’d both tried not to let that completely destroy the remaining time.
She’d been out for a few hours. Darren had insisted she spend some time away from his sickbed every day. When she’d come back, he’d told her to sit down by his bed and listen to him. That’s when he’d made her promise she wouldn’t stop living. He’d told her she was allowed to grieve—but not forever. She remembered the smile on his face when she’d told him she would never love again, never mind submit to somebody else. His response was still fresh in her mind.
“See this letter, my girl. I want you to put it in my desk and leave it there until you’re done grieving. Read it when your heart and body have woken up again.”
She picked up the envelope and fingered it. Was this that moment? Should she open this last letter now? She’d been tempted to open it so many times in those first months after Darren died, convinced she’d never reach the stage he’d described and unwilling to risk never reading his last words to her. But she’d been the good girl he would have expected her to be and had left the letter sealed. She had stepped out of her grief now. She’d even submitted to somebody other than Darren.
She looked away. Now that the moment was here, she was reluctant to look at those words. This letter represented Darren’s last gift to her. Once she’d read this letter, there would be no more surprises.
She glanced at her watch. Half an hour until her talk with Jason. She’d stay here, in Darren’s room. This was her safe place. Whatever happened next, she had the best chance of dealing with the consequences here. Logging herself onto the computer, she knew she was stalling, putting off the inevitable.
Her fingers were shaking when she opened the envelope and her breath caught when she saw the sheet of paper. The letter was short but—tears came to her eyes—handwritten. She stared at the lines filled with blue ink, not even trying to read the words, just drinking in the familiar sight of his nearly illegible writing. She stroked the paper, gliding her fingers over it with reverence. She would have drawn the moment out forever if the need to find out what he’d written hadn’t been so overwhelming.
Heather, my one and only,
When you read this I will have been dead for a while. I don’t know for how long but I hope you didn’t allow too much time to pass before you found your way back to life again. I’m sure you did find your way back though. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be reading these words.
I also hope you found somebody you’re attracted to, somebody who wants and needs you, somebody you can submit to.
All I ever wanted is for you to be happy. I hope and like to believe I brought you happiness while I could.
I want you to remember that being able to love again doesn’t mean you love me any less, just as me telling you to open your heart to someone else doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Whatever you do next, wherever you go and whoever you give yourself to, I will always be a part of you. Live, my dear, love. Do it for me, but most of all, do it for you.
Always yours, Darren
When the first tears hit the paper in her hands she shoved the letter away. She didn’t want these words blurred. She wiped her cheeks with her hand and sighed. Oh, Darren. He’d known her so well. She’d needed this. No, she hadn’t felt guilty about her nights with Jason, but whatever reservations she might have had were gone, erased by her husband’s final words to her.
With a shock she realized her tears didn’t stem from sadness. Yes, she still missed Darren, but she was ready to look beyond him. Her time with Jason had shown her she was still who she’d always been. It was what she had needed to take the next step. Even if her time with Jason was over—she sighed, she could admit to herself now that she hoped it wasn’t—she’d always be grateful to him for showing her she could still laugh, enjoy herself and find joy in sharing her body with another.
As if on cue, the computer dinged and a Skype message flared on the screen. Jason…
Shit.
She’d been crying. He could see the wetness on her cheeks. Had he caused her pain again?
He’d planned an opening speech, had it all figured out in his head. He’d apologize and explain, tell her what he’d told Hector and be completely honest.
Just the sight of her and those tear-stained cheeks robbed him of his well-rehearsed words.
“Heather, what’s wrong?”
Her smile took him by surprise.
“Nothing. I’m fine—great, in fact.”
He waited, hoping she’d tell him more before realizing he’d no right to want that, never mind expect it. Seeing her face-to-face, even if it had to be on a screen, brought home to him how stupid he’d been. He’d been willing to let her walk away just because of his misplaced sense of pride.
“Jason?”
His name snapped him out of his thoughts.
“I’m sure you didn’t set this video call up just so you could stare at me.”
“No, I didn’t. It would have been reason enough though, under different circumstances.”
He was grateful when she smiled at him.
“I enjoy flattery as much as the next person, but I need more from you right now.”
He snapped out of his fantasies and gathered his thoughts. Okay, he could do this. Heather didn’t intimidate him as much as Hector had, and surely the second time would be easier than the first. Jason gathered his courage, took a deep breath and talked.
“Heather, I’m sorry. I’m a fool and a coward and I should not have let you leave without trying to explain what has been going on with me.”
She just looked at him, waiting for more.
“I… Shit, this is hard. It started about four months ago…”
He talked. Told her about the moment he’d realized dominating his subs wasn’t enjoyable anymore, the day he’d decided pretending would end up killing him and his decision to stop all demonstrations.
“I just couldn’t do it anymore. Every time I tried just re-enforced my sense of failure. It hurt too much. My whole sense of self, an integral part of me, seemed to be dissolving before my eyes. I refused to face the pain after a while.”
Heather didn’t say a word, didn’t ask questions, didn’t try to interrupt. He saw no surprise or shock in her gaze, never mind the contempt
he’d feared. The understanding he did see gave him the courage to continue. The hard part was still to come.
“When you walked into my office, my body reacted for the first time in months. Your lowered gaze that evening heralded the return of all those feelings I’d imagined dead and it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t trust that part of me anymore. If it could just disappear, how could I be sure it was real? What if I went with it and it just stopped again?”
He saw Heather open her mouth.
“No, please let me finish.”
Her nod was all the encouragement he needed.
“When you broke down after we watched Hector and Amber, I blamed myself. I was convinced I would have recognized the signals if only I were a true Dom. The fact that I’d missed the warning signs proved I wasn’t fit to call myself a Dom, never mind ask anybody to submit to me ever again.”
The tears in her eyes surprised him. He wanted to ask what they meant but knew if he did, he wouldn’t finish what he had to say.
“And then, last night, I couldn’t stop myself from making you submit to me. I tried and failed. The urge was too strong. You were so beautiful, so open to suggestion, so responsive.”
For a moment he saw the images in his head. Heather bent over his chair, her legs apart, her body waiting for whatever he wanted to do with it.
“It scared me, Heather. I wanted your submission so badly and had myself convinced I’d end up hurting you if you gave it to me. So this morning I decided I had to create a distance between us. If I kept you at arm’s length, I couldn’t hurt you.”
“Any more than you did.”
Her voice was soft. Her words hurt as if she’d slapped him. He wished she had hit him. He deserved it.
“Any more than I did. You’re right.”
“Nobody was to blame for my breakdown, Jason. I’ve said this before. If anybody made a mistake that night, it was me. Not you. How could you have known? How could you recognize any of my signals when you didn’t know me?”
He didn’t know why she still didn’t sound angry. He’d been ready for an outburst, for her to scream at him, call him stupid, end the connection and yet, here she was, calm and reasonable.
“I know. I know it now. I didn’t before. I was too wrapped up in my own misery, in my doubts and anger to listen to what you were saying, never mind think straight. I was too afraid to share my shame with you.” Or anybody else. “I’m not asking you to understand. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just wanted you to know this whole mess is on me. It never had anything to do with you.”
“You thought I wouldn’t understand?”
For the first time he heard something other than understanding in her voice.
“How do you think I felt? I didn’t think I’d ever be able to submit to anybody again. I couldn’t imagine being attracted to another man after Darren and then I saw you. I didn’t want to feel what I felt. I denied my desire and need to submit, preferred to lie to myself.”
He felt like an even bigger bastard. None of this had even crossed his mind. That ugly little voice in his head tried to worm its way back in. See, you’re not fit to be anybody’s Dom.
“Don’t even go there, Jason.” Her voice was harsh. “Don’t you dare take my words and use them to prove you were right.”
How could she possibly know what he’d been thinking? He wanted to ask, but Heather continued before he could.
“What now?”
He hadn’t thought that far ahead. He’d only wanted to tell her how sorry he was, explain himself. He’d spent most of the evening trying not to think about what he hoped would happen after he’d said everything he should have told her hours, if not days, before.
“Will you come back, Heather?” He hesitated. “Could we…? I want to fall asleep together and start the next day the way we should have started this morning—with you in my arms.”
He listened to the silence, and watched the beautiful woman on his screen, so close and yet so far away. The woman he wanted and might have scared off for good. Her gaze flicked to his eyes before lowering. She appeared to be staring at something in her lap, something that made her smile. When her eyes met his again, something had changed. She looked straight at him and he saw something in her gaze he hadn’t dared hope for. When she lowered her gaze again, his heart sang.
“I’d like that.”
He could have sworn he heard surprise in her voice as well as gratitude.
“But, Jason. We need to do more talking.”
He nodded, too happy to trust his voice right now.
“We’re both insecure. We need to tell each other what we feel because I can’t go through this again. I’m not strong enough.”
She whispered those last words, her eyes on her lap again.
“Look at me.”
He was shocked to hear the authority in his voice. He hadn’t meant to put it there, but she reacted immediately.
“We’ll talk for as long as it takes, and then we’ll talk some more. We’ll never stop communicating.” He hesitated. Should he say this? Of course he should. He’d just promised her he’d be honest. “I would love to promise I’ll never do anything to hurt you in the future, but I can’t. I can and do promise to tell you if I ever doubt you or me again.” In for a penny… He had to say it all. “I know this is new. I know we jumped too far too fast. I’ve no idea how far we can take this. But I want to find out, with you, together.” He wasn’t going to demand this. He made his voice soft, allowing all his need to surface. “Please come back before next week. Come back for me, not for the party.”
That was it. He’d put his heart and soul on the table. All he could do was wait. No pressure. If she came back it would have to be her choice. The silence lengthened. Her gaze was fixed on her lap again. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, if she even believed him. He wanted to talk, to try to convince her. He needed this uncertainty to end and knew he didn’t have the right. This was the price he had to pay for his idiocy. But please, God, please he needed to hear her answer. He’d never forgive himself.
“Okay.”
“What?”
Her smile was wide and bright. “Okay, I’ll come back. I’ll drive up tomorrow.”
With a sigh he let out the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “Really?”
The expression on her face reflected the relief and hope he felt.
“Absolutely.”
Chapter Nineteen
The difference five days could make amazed her. Heather looked at the gates, the drive with the beautiful mansion at its end, the ocean off in the distance and felt none of the apprehension she’d encountered the first time she had stood here. Everything looked the same, up to and including the little rainbows lighting up the air above the Atlantic, and yet everything had changed. She wasn’t the same. Today she didn’t hesitate, didn’t even get out of her car. She pressed the button and waited. The gates opened immediately. She was expected and she was welcomed.
The change was subtle yet huge. She was nervous today, just as she’d been the first time, but the feelings didn’t compare. Today she felt anticipation rather than worry. There was no doubt she wanted to be here. She wasn’t second-guessing her decision to come. These nerves felt like bright butterflies partying in her stomach and increased as the distance between her and the parking area decreased. In a few minutes she’d see Jason again. Jason who’d asked her to come back, who’d opened up to her, apologized and wanted her here, with him. Heather thought she should try and get the silly grin off her face but it might as well have been painted on.
She got out of her car and nearly floated up the steps and through the doorway until she found herself face-to-face with…Karl. The grin slowly faded as worry tried to replace the butterflies in her belly. She’d been so sure Jason would be waiting for her, ready to scoop her up into his arms.
“Hi ya, Karl.”
“Heather, it’s good to have you back.”
“It is?” She couldn’t
bring herself to do it. She wasn’t going to ask Karl why Jason wasn’t here. She looked around at the guests walking through the lobby.
“If you leave me your keys I’ll have someone take care of your luggage.”
As Karl handed her keys to a rather beautiful young man, Heather glanced around again. Where are you, Jason? Why are you doing this to me? Questions came and went unanswered. Flashes of their conversation the night before ran through her mind. Had she misinterpreted everything? She was certain she hadn’t. She knew Jason wanted her here as much as she wanted to be here. And yet, he hadn’t come to welcome her back. She shook herself, disgusted at her own insecurity. She knew better. It wasn’t as if he had the time to spend a day in the lobby waiting for her.
Karl’s eyes on her were kind and understanding. “Just follow me, if you don’t mind.”
“Karl, where’s…?” Again she stopped herself from asking the question. “Never mind. I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough.”
She followed the big man down the hallway, past the bar, the restaurant and the ballroom. The entrance to the play areas came and went in a blur and still she had no idea where they might be going.
He stopped at the patio doors. “Do you remember the way to the pergola?”
She thought for a moment. It had been dark the one and only time she’d been there. She glanced around the large gardens and nodded. “I think so.”
“Good. I’ll let you get on with it then.” His smile was filled with warmth and encouragement. “Have a nice evening, Heather.”
God, she hoped the evening would be nice. So far her return had been rather disappointing. She’d been so sure Jason would be the first person she’d see, that he would be as eager to reconnect and make sure everything they had said last night still held true, as she was.
As she made her way down the twisting path, she admired the gardens again. Whoever had designed them was a genius because they didn’t look planned at all. She imagined a giant standing in the middle of the grounds, tossing seeds into the air, allowing them to land wherever they wanted. There appeared to be no rhyme or reason to the combinations of flowers and plants, but the end result took her breath away.