by L. C. Davis
“How am I going to convince you it's me when we meet in real life, then?” he asked.
I looked down at my arm. His sketch flashed in my mind as I rolled up my sleeves to reveal the mosaic of scars on each one. His eyes widened with some intense emotion and at first I thought it was disgust, but it wasn't. It was sadness. Tears pooled in them, making their hue even more silvery than usual.
He reached out and I almost stopped him when he stroked the inside of my arm like he was reading braille. His gaze flickered rapidly over each scar until he finally stepped back. He wiped his eye with his sleeve and sniffed.
“Victor, what are you doing?” I asked warily.
“I'm memorizing them,” he said through gritted teeth. “One day, I'm gonna make whoever put them there pay for ever single one.”
I smiled sadly. “I'm afraid many of them were from me.”
His eyes narrowed. “You don't believe that.”
His words startled me, mostly because they rang true.
“No,” I murmured slowly, frowning. “I-I don't.”
He shook his head. “I'm not gonna tell you I know about them when we meet.”
“Why not?” I asked, confused.
“I never want to cause you any more pain for the rest of your life. I'll find another way. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you know it's me, but not that.” He hesitated. “Except, my brother-”
“You've done enough for your brother,” I said, stroking his cheek. “He'll grow up big and strong, you'll see. You both will. I love you both so much, even if I won't remember you when we meet.”
He nodded. “Okay.” He glanced warily at the door. “You have to go now, don't you?”
“Yes,” I sighed, following his gaze. When I turned back, he was gone. So was my old room. I recognized the one I was in now, though. It was a small, nicely furnished room in the home of one of my favorite foster parents. She was a single woman in her late sixties, and the court had eventually decided to send me to live with a younger family since I was a teenager at the perfect “troublemaking age” of 15.
“Long time no see.”
I turned to see him leaning on my desk, arms crossed in a stereotypical too cool for school pose. He wore a leather jacket with the collar popped and his jet black hair was styled in a careless grunge style that hung over his eyes.
“Victor,” I breathed. He couldn't have been much older than me.
“Our timelines can't seem to add up since last time, can they?”
I smiled. “Timing was never our thing.”
“Oh, so you remember me for once,” he said, walking over to stand in front of me. “You're a hard dream to track down, you know that, kiddo?”
“I'm older than you now, you know. For a moment in... whatever this is,” I said, waving my hand around the room.
He shrugged. “Time, space, it all kind of blends together in a place like this. Very complicated psychic physics you wouldn't understand, being a social science nerd and all.”
“Is that so?” I laughed. I looked around the room, then back at him. “How many times have you visited me?”
He shrugged. “About once a month. The full moon heightens my abilities, but I'm working with a really good teacher now at the temple. I'm getting better every day.”
“Oh, I'm sure you are.”
“Getting to know you better too,” he murmured thoughtfully. “You know, I think you're the only person in the world I can have the same conversation with every month for ten years and never get bored of.”
I couldn't help but smile. So this was Victor when he was young. He was so much himself, yet so much less jaded.
He watched me as I watched him. “You're not my Remus, are you?”
I winced. “Is it that obvious?”
He shrugged. “You don't act like a teenager. You're a lot happier, too. Is this how you get to be in whatever future you're from?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. “I guess it is.”
“Good,” he murmured. “I'm afraid to ask, but does it have anything to do with me?”
“Yeah, Victor. It has a lot to do with you.”
He sighed. “And my brother.”
I smiled sympathetically. “Him, too.”
He crossed his arms. “Just give me a straight answer on one thing, hm?”
“I think I can do that.”
“Tell me right now if I even stand a chance or if I should just give up and let you be happy with him instead?”
My heart sank. “Victor, I can't answer that.”
“You promised,” he reminded me.
I sighed. “I guess I did. Look, I-” He was looking me straight in the eye and, as always, it was impossible to look away. “Okay, I'm gonna give it to you straight. I love you both and I have no idea what to do with that. I'm more screwed up and confused as an adult than I was then-- er, now.”
A slow smile spread across his face. “So you're saying I have a chance.”
“No,” I said carefully. “What I'm saying is it's not our time. I don't know if it ever will be, but... If you do give up, let it be because you've realized you can do better. Not because you're just handing it over to your brother.”
“Then I'll wait until it is our time,” he shrugged.
“You don't want to do that, Victor. You have no idea how long that's going to be, if ever.”
“I don't care. A lifetime without you means nothing, but a lifetime with you is all I want. Betting nothing on the chance to win a fortune seems pretty reasonable to me.”
I didn't know how to respond to that. A voice from outside the room called me and I was starting to feel the familiar pull of waking from a dream.
“Hey,” he called, drawing me back. “Want me to teach you a trick before you go?”
“Sure,” I said curiously.
“If you ever need to get someone out of your mind, just think of a big wall rising from the ground, making them bounce off of it.”
“Thanks, but psychic walls are kind of what got me into this mess in the first place,” I murmured.
“It's different when they're your own. You need to learn how to protect yourself,” he said, frowning. “At least until I can be there to protect you. We'll be here, though, both of us. I'll make sure he can hear you if you call.”
“Thank you, Victor,” I said softly, walking towards the door. I knew my time was limited and I didn't want to leave him suddenly. “I'll see you soon.”
He smiled, taking out the flask hidden in my desk. He raised it to me before taking a swig. “To our time.”
“To our time,” I murmured, passing through the door just as he disappeared from view.
Someone really was calling me. It wasn't Sarah, though. I closed my eyes and fell back into the darkness, surrendering to it now that the flood of emotions and memories had finally settled. My mind was still raw and pulsing from being ripped apart and doused in the burning salve of old memories, but the chaos, for the moment, was gone.
29
I awoke in Victor's arms. Just as he had held me through the chaos of my mind, he was holding me on the stage, shaking me gently.
“There you go. That's right, open your eyes,” he coached desperately.
My eyes fluttered open with a moan. Everything was as it had been. Mrs. Alderdice was still tied to a chair, Mr. Alderdice was still hanging from a board and the crowd was still held captive in Sarah's trance.
“I saw you,” I murmured, staring up at Victor. “You came to see me so many times.”
“Shh. There'll be time for that later,” he said with a ghost of a smile. “I can't believe you're yourself,” he murmured. “I've never known a wolf to survive such extensive restructuring never mind with his sanity intact.”
“He's not a wolf,” snapped Sarah. “He's part of an ancient breed that outdates even the hunters. Now help him stand.”
“Please, he's been through so much already. Let him recover first,” Victor pleaded. I knew it had to be a monumental effort for
him to put aside his ego. If it had been him alone, I knew he would have sooner let her kill him. He was doing this for me.
“I asked for his sake. If you'd rather I leash and command you like the filthy dog you are, that can be arranged,” she said in a mockingly pleasant tone.
“I'm fine,” I assured him. He helped me to my feet and I leaned on him even though I didn't need to. I was feeling steadier than I had in a long time. He led me over to where she was standing and she waved him back.
“Stand down, boy. I'll take it from here.” She wrapped an arm around me and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at Mr. Alderdice. “Remember him now? The real him, I mean.”
Although it felt as though all my memories were intact, the moment I looked at Mr. Alderdice, an entire missing chunk of my life flashed before my eyes in the cinematic display I had been expecting during my near death experience in the woods.
She was right. I hadn't been seeing him as the person he was. Now that the wall in my mind was removed, I could see the lies, the betrayal. The family dinners where he would lead me off under the guise of showing off his latest toy only to pin me down on the bed and sink his fangs into my neck. The way his hand would slip underneath my waistband and his other hand would cover my mouth so I couldn't scream, all while the door was wide open.
I saw the thrill in his eyes when Jeff Mrs. Alderdice had finally discovered us and realized that was half the game. I saw the exact scar I had drawn across my skin that night, not because Jeff was compelling me to cover up one of his own or even because of the merciless beating he'd given me for my “betrayal,” but because I blamed myself, too.
He made sure of that.
Bile rose in my throat as I took a step closer to the man I now recognized as the spectral cause of so many seemingly unfounded nightmares and panic attacks. Jeff had bruised and scarred my body, but Phillip Alderdice was the one who had left scars in places the light couldn't reach.
Until then.
“Now you remember.” It was a statement, not a question. “Now you know exactly what a brutal pig he is, but I wonder if you remember them.”
I turned to Mrs. Alderdice, her eyes wide in terror. Then I turned to the crowd. They were rigid, unmoving. Victor searched my mind in helpless confusion. I could feel him combing for an entrance. It was an unmistakable feeling now that my mind was clear.
Remembering the younger Victor's advice, I focused on the image of a massive glass wall rising from the unearthed soil of my mind and the invasion stopped. I didn't want him to see the memories, but even more so, I didn't want him to know the murderous thoughts that were running through my mind at that very moment.
“I always knew my boy would be a quick study. Blocking out the wolves' best psychic? Mommy's proud.”
Ignoring her, I turned back to Mrs. Alderdice. She flinched when I took a step forward and it felt good. I knelt down in front of her and watched her squirm for a moment. “You saw what happened.” My voice was shaking with rage and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking it was fear, so I took a moment to compose myself. “You just stood there and watched him violate me and you blamed me for his 'infidelity.'”
I searched her eyes for any sign of remorse, but there was only fear. Fear and indignation. She didn't even need to speak for me to know what was on her mind. Just as before, something was happening to her that she didn't like and she was the victim. No one else.
My hand shook as I reached towards her face. She shut her eyes and looked away as I reached for the tape. I thought Sarah was going to stop me, but she didn't. I took a shameful amount of pleasure in ripping it off her mouth.
“Well, that's one way to get a waxing,” Sarah remarked.
“If you don't get me off this stage right now I swear I'll have your whore mouth sewn shut around your own heart.”
My lip curled back in an involuntary snarl and the brevity that had gone along with her words vanished. “I wouldn't make idle threats right now, Mrs. Alderdice. And I'd watch who you're calling a whore. Maybe that's a term better reserved for your husband.”
“You're filth,” she hissed. “I knew you were nothing but gypsy filth the day Jeff brought you home. I guess it's no surprise you're a hybrid abomination, too.”
“Shut up,” I screamed. The entire chair flew back with her in it so far that at first I thought I'd given in to the burning desire to hit her, but I hadn't. My fists were still clenched tightly at my sides.
I turned back to Sarah who was beaming like I'd just given her macaroni art. “That was all you, baby boy. Like I said, I unlocked everything.” She raised her head proudly. “You're ready. Keep digging.”
I walked towards Mrs. Alderdice again. Her chair had been knocked over by the force of whatever I had done and she was sobbing.
Something about the way the stage light was coming down on her pathetic, cowering form gave me pause and I looked up. Another flash of memories hit me and I turned back to her.
“It wasn't enough for you, was it? The pain, the beatings, the guilt. You wanted me to feel humiliated.”
Mr. Alderdice was starting to scream behind his tape. Whether he had been unconscious or shocked into silence, it was hard to say. I chose to ignore him for the moment. There was time for both of them.
“You made him bring me to the party. It was so much like this one,” I said tensely. “Same guest list, in fact. You brought me in and had me passed around as a blood slave. It wouldn't have been the first time, but this time was different. I remember you- you told those men to drag me up on stage,” I said, pointing them out in the crowd. “To tie me up, and to leave me there while they all took turns. The ones who didn't watched.”
I spun sharply on the crowd. “You all fucking watched, didn't you?!” I screamed. The lights flickered overhead just like they had that night as one silhouette after another eclipsed the one directly over my head.
The crowd said nothing. “What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?” I laughed. If I didn't laugh, it felt like I was going to do something far worse. “None of you said anything then either, and why would you? You thought I was just another exotic human blood slave to sate your every twisted desire.” I scanned the crowd, making note of every face I remembered from that night. “I never did anything, to any of you!”
Tears threatened to spill but I held them back by force of will. “You're monsters. Every fucking one of you.”
“That they are,” Sarah said, suddenly beside me. She squeezed my shoulder in what felt like a genuine gesture of sympathy. She opened my right hand and closed it around an object I didn't even have to look at to recognize.
It was a wooden stake.
“There's only one way to deal with monsters, sweetie,” she said, caressing my hair. “You kill them. Make them suffer first if you must, but you kill them. It's the only way.”
I looked down at the stake, felt its perfect weight in my palm. Half an hour before, I might have been tempted to use it on Sarah, but not then.
“No,” cried Victor. He was fighting her control, pulling himself up the stairs. “Please, Sarah. I want the bastards dead more than anyone, but if he does this, it will destroy him. Let me be the one.”
“My, you are a strong one. Perhaps I did underestimate you after all. And a noble gesture at that, but I'm afraid it won't work.”
“It has to be me,” I murmured, still staring at the stake.
“Yes, dear. Both for your closure and the ritual.”
“What ritual?” Victor asked warily.
“The hybrid awakening. It must occur on the first night of the harvest moon,” she said. “The hybrid must consume the hearts of two supernatural creatures and who better than the happy couple who orchestrated the gang rape of their own son's lover?”
Ritual? I knew there was something happening that I was supposed to care about, but I just couldn't tear myself away from the stake. From the image of plunging it into their chests. Her death would be quick, if only because she'd had the decency
to grieve her wretched son, but his? He would suffer.
He had to. The idea of ending any other way left me feeling as though I would never be whole again. As she and Victor continued to argue, I walked over to Mrs. Alderdice's overturned chair and put it upright.
She sobbed desperately, eying the stake in my hand. I could see why. It was angled directly at her heart.
“Oh, no,” I murmured. “This isn't for you, not yet,” I said, dragging her over to the center of the stage with newfound strength. “You get a bird's eye view of your husband.” I put my hands on her shoulders and leaned in. “We both know how much you like to watch.”
She let out another strangled cry as I walked towards Mr. Alderdice.
“Remus!” cried Victor. The stranger from the plane and another man I didn't recognize held him back. “Don't do this! You're not yourself. By Her light I'll torture and slaughter them one by one, but not you. You won't be able to live with yourself.”
I turned to face him. “You and Sebastian can't protect me from everything.”
“I know that. We obviously failed to protect you from him, but I can at least protect you from doing something you'll never forgive yourself for.”
There was some part of me that knew he was right, but I didn't care. I didn't want to live with it. I didn't want to live at all. The weight of everything was just too overwhelming, like the air was pressing me down and filling my lungs with lead. My mind was finally whole and clearer than it had ever been, yet I had never been more lost.
I kept my eyes on Mr. Alderdice's squirming form. He had always seemed so powerful, unstoppable with all the force of a crashing wave. As I held the stake in my hand and felt my mind continually rebuilding itself, the tables had turned. I had finally realized that all I had to do was stand up. The wave was barely a ripple.
I raised the stake and my hand froze at the last instant. The stake fell to the floor with a clatter. This wasn't right. It wasn't right that he was alive, living as if he'd never done those horrible things, but this wasn't right either. “I can't,” I choked out in defeat.
“Compassion is only weakness in disguise, my dear,” Sarah whispered. “It's the last human vestige you have to purge yourself of in order to become who you truly are.”