“I want to ask you how the old woman is, and I sense something isn’t so great with Levi, but should I hold all that for later? I can do whatever is best for you right now. I don’t want to stop you when you’re in the mood to get work done.”
Brandon said, “I’ll talk about it when I’m ready. Right now hand me the stack of papers there in my inbox, and I’ll see you in a few hours.”
Brandon felt like he was building a brick wall to keep Levi out by barricading himself in his office behind a heavy load of work. Every time he started to think about Levi or saw his face again as he was leaving the cabin in the morning, Brandon grabbed a new set of papers or pulled up business email to shift his mental focus.
Late in the day, Elle poked her head into the office and said, “I know I’m not supposed to interrupt, but I’m getting ready to go home. Do you want me to lock the front door?”
“Yes, please do. If someone’s expecting late hours today, they’ll have to wait and come back in the morning. I can’t deal with customers today. There’s too much risk that I’d blow up and scare them away forever.”
Elle nodded. “We don’t need that. I’ve got one more thing before I go.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s none of my business if you don’t want it to be, but I haven’t seen you like this for a long time. I know something is up, and it’s most likely connected to Levi somehow. I want you to know I’m happy to listen, and it doesn’t impact how we work together at all. You’re a great friend, too, and listening well is what the best of friends do.”
Brandon nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind. Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. I’m never down for long. I wrap all the painful stuff into a little box and shove it into a closet in the back of my mind.”
After he said goodnight to Elle, Brandon tried sending a text message to Levi, but he didn’t get a response. He wasn’t surprised. If Levi was at the cabin, he didn’t have cell phone reception anyway. Brandon lowered his head into his hands and tried to piece together a plan to deal with the situation. He came up with nothing.
Late in the evening with the sun’s rays waning and slowly disappearing from the sky, Brandon knocked on an apartment door in a complex at the edge of Arrowhead Falls. It was an old highway motel converted into multiple living units. The remodelers formed each apartment by tearing out walls and putting together three or four former motel rooms. The units weren’t luxurious, but they were cheap, clean, and furnished with new appliances. Elle said she felt like complaining some days, but she could imagine having to deal with much worse.
As she opened her front door, Elle exclaimed, “Brandon! Are you okay? I didn’t expect here. Gabe sometimes stops by to tell a juicy story after getting called to an accident scene, but you usually call ahead.”
Brandon sighed. “I thought about that, but then I decided that I needed to see you on the spur of the moment, so I decided to stop by.”
“Come on in. I’ve got beer in the fridge if that helps, but please sit down. I was watching food shows on TV. Once in a while, I toy with the idea of going to culinary school. It’s a whole lot of work, but I’ve never been afraid of that when I’m working for something that I want.”
“You would be a fantastic chef. I would miss you horribly, but yeah, I can see you doing that.”
Elle gestured toward the sofa in her small living room. “Please, come in and sit. Do you want that beer?”
Brandon nodded and pushed himself into a corner of the couch pulling his legs up tight toward his chest. “Yeah, maybe the beer will calm a few of my nerves. They’re pretty frayed. It’s been a bad day. It started out awful before the sun even came up, and it hasn’t gotten any better.”
“So what’s up? It’s Levi, isn’t it?”
Brandon struggled all afternoon with figuring out how he could talk about the sudden crisis with Levi without revealing information about the paintings in the shed by the cabin. He decided to avoid those specifics altogether. “Yeah, it’s Levi. We fought, and now he’s gone back to the cabin. I’m not sure what to do.”
“He’s gone without his grandmother? I didn’t expect that to happen.”
“Oh, I’m sure he’ll be back to see her in the hospital tomorrow, but he’s not staying at my place anymore while she’s there. In fact, he’s angry. I’m worried that it could be the end.”
Elle stared at Brandon from the opposite end of the couch. He was worried that she would ask for more specifics, but instead, she asked an easy question. “You don’t want to lose him, do you?”
“Oh, God, no. We’re so good together. He’s the best paddler I know, and I love how quiet and mellow he is most of the time. Plus, did I say he’s handsome? Fuck, it’s like Ryan all over again. I can’t stand it when they disappear.”
Elle chuckled softly. “You know what’s going to happen down the road, don’t you? It won’t happen right now, but it may not be long in coming.”
Brandon’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”
“If you want him, you’ll have to commit. I don’t want to watch you go through something again like you did with Gabe. By the way, that was all your fault, but I think I’ve told you that before. You’ll have to decide whether or not Levi’s the one. It’s probably best to do it before you lead him down a path with too many expectations. Can you do that? If you know that you won’t be able to do that when the time comes, it might be best to let him go now.”
Brandon thought back to the days before he broke up with Gabe. He was pushed to voice his commitment, and he found himself riddled with doubts. In perfect 20/20 hindsight, he knew that some of the doubts entered his mind after the first few dates with Gabe. He could have stopped the snowball rolling downhill before it all got painful for both of them. The relationship with Levi was different already. Brandon didn’t see any red flags.
“I think he could be the one. In fact, I know that I want him to be the one.”
“Then I have only one thing to say.”
“It’s as simple as all that? You should be a therapist. You could get patients in and out with only ten minutes of discussion.” Brandon swallowed a mouthful of beer and watched Elle’s eyes.
“I don’t think that will happen. I’m the one who needs therapy, but yeah, I think it can be simple. Of course, I’ve had some bad luck with relationships in my life, so you might want to factor that into the equation.”
Brandon shook his head. “I don’t think those were your fault. What is the one thing? I’m pretty sure I know, but I want to hear you say it.”
“Go get him back, Brandon. Don’t obsess about it tonight. Get a good night’s sleep, and in the morning you’ll know what to do. Go after him.”
24
Levi
Levi’s mind was blank as he marched off into the woods. It didn’t take long to feel wrapped in the familiar existence of the past three years. He wanted the rest of the world to disappear, except he knew that Grandma Daley wouldn’t be waiting at the cabin. A shiver swept through his body when he thought about staying there for days, weeks, even months alone.
He tried to sweep from his mind the idea that she wouldn’t be returning to Lone Cedar Lake. Unfortunately, his mental image of the helpless old woman confined to a hospital bed barely able to speak didn’t offer much hope for a future in the little cabin in the woods. He wasn’t sure if she would ever leave the hospital. Returning to the woods was a huge leap beyond that.
As Levi pushed his canoe into the first lake and dipped his paddle into the water, a sensation of calm swept over his body and mind. He was back in the world of water, pine trees, stone, and the ever-present loons. It was the only environment that never let him down. It was the closest to home that he’d ever known.
The time passed quickly on the trip back to the cabin. Levi stopped himself from thinking about Brandon. There would be plenty of time for that in the future. Instead, he focused on what he could do for Grandma Daley. He won
dered if there was anything else he could gather up from her bedroom that would make her feel more at home in the hospital. She smiled when Brandon set her favorite books on the table by the side of her bed.
When Levi returned to the dock, there were no signs of any other human presence. The grassy undergrowth continued to flourish along the path between the dock and the cabin. One of the first things Levi noticed when he stepped into the clearing was the pieces of chopped wood scattered around the woodpile. He hadn’t taken the time to stack everything neatly the last time Brandon helped chop wood.
Levi found salami and hard cheese in the small refrigerator charged by the generator. He bought it for sandwiches knowing that it would keep much longer than standard lunchmeat and American cheese. A few slices of sandwich bread remained wrapped tightly beneath the salami and cheese.
Sitting at the table, Levi suddenly realized that he was exhausted. He decided to eat the quick sandwich and then climb into bed for a nap. It was only mid-afternoon, but the need for sleep nipped at his heels.
Levi awoke at 11:00 p.m. disoriented and yelling out for his grandmother. He sat up, opened his eyes, and remembered that she was almost fifty miles away in a hospital. Fishing a flashlight out of the nightstand, he climbed out of bed and padded his way to the bathroom before lighting a kerosene lamp to chase away more of the darkness.
He wanted to leave early in the morning for the long trip back to the hospital. Instead of going back to bed, Levi decided to look around Grandma Daley’s bedroom for items to take in a pack in the canoe.
The light of the lamp didn’t spread far into the murky dark filling the cabin. Levi walked gingerly through the small house to avoid stumbling over unseen objects or furniture. He found his way to Grandma Daley’s dresser. He wondered if she would like to see any of her jewelry. Years after Grandpa was gone, she still wore necklaces and frequently added on clip-on earrings even though Levi was the only person who would see them.
She stored her small jewelry box in the top drawer of her dresser. Levi remembered standing behind her as she tried on earrings and assessed their appearance in the mirror attached to the wall. The drawer squeaked as it opened. Peering through the dim light, Levi reached in to lift the box out. The drawer also contained scarves, an old hairbrush, and three lipstick tubes. Levi set the jewelry box on the top of the dresser and reached down to close the drawer.
As he slowly pushed the drawer closed, Levi spotted something unusual. It looked like the corner of an envelope poking out from beneath a tangle of two brightly-colored scarves. Levi reached in and drew it out. In the low light, he read the name, “Walter,” on the front scrawled in Grandma Daley’s handwriting.
He couldn’t remember ever seeing the envelope before. Levi pushed the jewelry box to one side of the surface of the dresser and laid the envelope beside it. It was stiff and brittle with age. He speculated that it was hiding away in the furniture for years. Levi set the lamp on the surface of the dresser as close to the envelope as possible. He lifted the flap with trembling fingers. He found a folded, yellowed sheet of ruled notebook paper inside.
Levi unfolded the paper on top of the dresser. The handwritten script was scratchy and difficult to read in the dim light. Levi turned the flashlight on to provide as much light as possible for reading. By the time he reached the last sentences, he didn’t want to read the rest, but he forced himself to digest the meaning of the entire message. He read:
Dearest Isabel,
The pain has become near unbearable. We both know the pills are only an attempt to postpone the inevitable. The diagnosis was a death sentence. I love you more than the heart can imagine. You lying by my side is the apex of this world’s beauty. I cannot bear the thought of you tortured by my decline.
I’ve taken stones from the garden for my pockets, and the pills for the pain. For all, but you, it will be a simple case of accidental drowning.
This lake gave us the best of our lives, and now it will take away the worst.
They say that artists thrive on tragedy. My dearest, dearest Isabel, let this act of love set your talents free, so that you may fly as only you know how.
I will wait for you a millennium if necessary. We will be one again in the sweet beyond, but do not hurry it along. You are one of this world’s most precious gems.
W.
With the fragile letter gripped tight in his right hand, Levi stumbled backward to the bed. He released the sheet of yellowed paper and let it float to the floor as he lowered his head into his hands. Levi whispered, “No.”
He didn’t know how long he sat sobbing with his head in his hands. He wasn’t sure why he cried either. Perhaps it was for the fracturing of his grandparents’ all-encompassing love for each other. Perhaps it was for Grandma Daley’s sickness. Maybe some of the tears were even for Brandon.
Once the tears ceased, Levi folded the letter and placed it back into the envelope. He gathered some of the prettiest pieces of jewelry and carefully packed them up. A few minutes later, he paddled his canoe into the center of Lone Cedar Lake.
25
Brandon
Brandon only noticed the beautiful, cloudless morning sky in passing. He wished that he could pause to enjoy it, but he had an urgent mission to complete. He wanted to find Levi as soon as possible. He had so many things to say. He was sorry for his clueless fixation on money. He needed to trust Levi’s ability to make his own choices. Most of all, he wanted Levi to know that he was in love.
As he emerged from the final portage, Brandon saw a single canoe in the center of Lone Cedar Lake, and he instantly knew that it was Levi. Shoving off from the shore, Brandon paddled both quickly and quietly to reach the center of the lake as soon as possible.
As he drew closer, confusion began to reign. The canoe was visible, but there was no sign of Levi. Nothing rose above the edges of the boat. Brandon started to paddle faster fearing that he would find Levi ill in the hull of the canoe or something even worse. Brandon’s heart pounded in his chest, and a shiver ran up his spine as he abandoned concerns about the splashes of water raised by his paddle.
With perhaps twenty yards to go, Brandon spotted Levi’s sneakers and lower legs inside the canoe at one end. They weren’t moving. Brandon shouted, “Levi!” When there was no response, he yelled again. “Levi!!”
Brandon didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he saw fingers grip the side of the canoe and watched Levi slowly pull himself to a sitting position. Brandon gasped and took a deep breath filling his lungs with air.
Levi blinked his eyes while Brandon’s canoe pulled close. “What’s wrong? I think I fell asleep. The last thing I remember was looking up at the white, puffy clouds.”
“You scared me.”
“How? The morning was so gorgeous, and I needed to clear my thoughts before going back to the hospital. Despite everything going on, I wanted to pay attention to nature. It calms my nerves.”
Brandon reached out for Levi’s canoe and settled their boats side by side. “I have to tell you something, Levi. No, I have to tell you multiple things.”
“Before you start, I have something to tell you. I found out something I never knew. I think it changes everything. I’m not completely sure how yet, but I know that it changes things. I have to see Grandma Daley and talk to her about it. I hope she can speak.”
Brandon cocked his head to one side. “What’s it about? Can it wait? I need to say what I have to say.”
Levi looked directly at Brandon and ignored the question about waiting. In a flat voice, he said, “I know what happened to Grandpa.”
Brandon’s forehead furrowed. He peered into Levi’s canoe seeing only a small backpack, and he gazed at the shore of the lake in the distance. Breaking his silence, he asked, “How did you find out? How did something change? You’re the only person around here.”
“He killed himself, Brandon.”
The words hung in the air. Brandon had to repeat them to himself inside his head to understand
the meaning. “How do you know?”
“I found the note in the cabin. Grandpa wrote it, and Grandma hid it in her dresser drawer.”
Brandon sat in silence for a moment. He didn’t know how to respond. Murmuring, “Oh my God, Levi,” he reached out offering a hug.
Levi leaned forward to grip him tightly, and they nearly capsized the canoes. Levi muttered, “I guess that’s not the best idea.”
“What does it mean? I don’t know what you do with that kind of news. It has to be a shock.”
Levi shook his head. “I don’t know either. I have to talk to Grandma. She’s known for all these years and kept it to herself.”
“Levi, I have something to say, and I never say something like this lightly. I know that I need to say it, and I know saying it means I’m taking on a lot of responsibility.”
Levi held up a hand. “Brandon, stop. I can’t handle this. The world is moving way too fast. It has to stop. It really needs to stop.”
“But I love you, Levi. I came all the way out here from Arrowhead Falls this morning to tell you that. I love you. I need to apologize to you, too.”
Brandon stared into Levi’s eyes hoping for some sort of positive response. Instead, Levi looked back with a dim, almost lifeless, gaze. He shook his head. “Don’t. I don’t know why you would. I’m still that fucked up kid from Missouri. I know that. For a minute, I thought…but then the letter. Don’t apologize. Don’t…anything.” Levi shook his head again.
Brandon leaned forward and nearly turned his canoe over again before balancing himself. “No, Levi. Maybe that was the scared guy back in high school, but look what you’ve become. You’re the most caring guy I’ve ever known, and you’re so strong and handsome. It’s sort of like the ugly duckling, or it’s like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. I’m honored to see it. I can’t wait to see what you are in the future.”
Heart of the Woods Page 15