by Jessie Cooke
I wanted to kiss him so badly. I wanted to tell him that I never got over him. I felt a flutter of nerves in my belly. I remembered the baby. Cruz’s baby. “Cruz is nobody’s fool. He had business to attend to.”
“I thought you said he didn’t feel well?”
I sighed. “Whatever. He had to go. I’m leaving now too. Maybe you should get back in there to your girlfriend and your father and stop trying to insinuate yourself into mine and Cruz’s life.”
“I just worry about you, Alicia. I’m not sure you realize all the things my brother is into.”
If Kane only knew. I shuddered. I wondered what he would think of me if he knew that I sewed clothes for the refugees when we were still in Mexico. I learned how to put pockets in discreet places so they could carry what they needed with them as they crossed the border. I’d driven a car across the border with a man underneath the floorboards. I’d hosted a gathering of twenty people one time while Cruz collected the $2500.00 per head he charged to get them across the border. I absolutely knew what we were doing was illegal, and I did wish that Cruz didn’t charge so much to help them, but I really believed that was what he was doing. After all, who was he hurting? At least he wasn’t selling drugs.
I took aim and shot the arrow that wasn’t intended to maim as I said, “I know he’s into me and that’s all I need to know. Good night, Kane. Good luck on your fight tomorrow.” I felt his eyes on me as I walked away. I had to admit that one selfish little part of me wanted him to follow, but I’d be setting him and myself up for serious fallout if Cruz found us together. When I got outside, the valet hailed a cab for me. I took it home to wait for him. I didn’t expect him home that night.
12
Kane
I stood there and watched Alicia go. I wasn’t the only one watching her. Every man and even some of the women in the casino had their eyes on her. She was gorgeous. She looked like a young Sophia Vergara. Her curves are the stuff wet dreams are made of and I knew even if Mila and I had a marathon of sex when I took her home, I would still go home and think about Alicia when it was over. Maybe that was my hell on earth. To be tortured by thoughts of my brother’s woman. I turned and started back towards the restaurant when the elevator opened. My brother was inside and he wasn’t alone. He started to step out and a woman that had to be old enough to be our mother pulled him back in and into a kiss. I saw her hand go down to his crotch. I watched in shock and disgust as she squeezed his balls in a public place as they kissed. He finally pulled free of her and stepped out of the elevator. I saw him blow her a kiss and watch the doors close. When he turned around the smile was gone from his face even before he saw me. He strolled over and said,
“Whatever you think you saw, forget it.”
“What the hell is wrong with you? You’re screwing some old hag while the prettiest girl in town takes a cab home, alone?”
“Oh shit! She left?”
“Of course she left. What the hell did you expect? You left her alone.”
Cruz smiled. It was one of his sarcastic smiles. “And you just had to jump up and chase her out, right? Her knight in shining armor.”
“Listen to me Cruz. If I thought there was any way she would leave you for me, I’d take her, in a heartbeat. For some reason she is dedicated to you. She loves you and she’s loyal to you and she’d defend you to the death. She wouldn’t ever even think about stepping out on you even if I made her a blatant offer. It pisses me off that you don’t seem to have a clue how lucky you are to have a woman like that. You take her for granted. You need to stop this shit before she finds out and gets hurt. Or heaven forbid you take some disease home to her. Damn it! Why can’t you see how lucky you are?” He stared at me for a long time with his jaw set. He opened his mouth to say something but something behind me caught his eye. I saw a murderous look cross his face and then he just turned around and stormed off. When I turned I saw my Papa. I wasn’t surprised.
“What was that about?” he asked me with his eyes still glued to Cruz’s retreating figure.
I shrugged. “Nothing. We were just talking.”
“About Alicia?”
“Papa I don’t want to talk about it right now, okay. I’m going to go back in there and get Mila and call it a night.”
“I can’t imagine why she would choose him over you,” he said. He’s been saying things like that to me since I was five. I always thought I was lucky to have a father that was so proud of me. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized he only said those things in reference to something I did better than Cruz. It wasn’t until just that precise moment I realized my father’s praise of me had always been about putting Cruz down.
“Papa, you do know that Cruz is your son too, right?”
Armando looked angry. “Of course I do. You realize why I have such contempt for him, son or not right?”
“I realize you’ve always been disappointed with his choices, but now that I’m older, I’m beginning to think that a lot of the time he made those choices just to get a rise out of you. Papa you never gave him the attention you gave me. He lost his mother.”
“So did you!”
“I never knew my mother Papa. That was different. When his died, he already knew her. He was uprooted to a strange place where everyone spoke a strange language. He needed your attention.”
“Suddenly you’re an expert on parenting?”
“No Papa! I’m not a fucking expert on anything. I’m just the guy who had to spend my life in the middle. I’m sick of being in the middle, of everything.” I was including Cruz and Alicia in that too. Whatever I did, I had to get her out of my head. She was my brother’s girl. I couldn’t go there. “I’m going to get my date and get out of here, Papa. Think about what I said though. He may be grown, but he still needs you.”
Papa didn’t offer any more arguments. He also didn’t agree to anything. I was hoping I got through to him. I really was sick of it all. I left him standing there and went to get Mila and say goodbye to everyone. By the time we made it out of there and got back to Mila’s apartment it was late. I walked her up to her apartment and when she stepped up on her tiptoes, I pulled her in for a kiss.
“Are you coming in?” she asked me when we broke the kiss.
“Not tonight baby. I’m tired and I have the fight tomorrow. I should get some sleep.”
She stuck her bottom lip out in a pout and made me feel bad. “How about after the fight tomorrow night? I’ll come by…”
“You’re not going to the after-parties?”
“I’m not a giant partier. I might have to stop off at whichever is the official one, depending on whether or not I win.”
“Oh please! You are so going to kick that guy’s ass.”
I grinned. “Are you going to come to the fight?”
“No.” I knew that would be her answer.
“Why not?”
“You know I can’t stand to watch someone beating on you.”
“You just said you thought I would kick the guy’s ass.”
She laughed. “I do, but I’m sure he’ll get in a few licks.” She stood on her toes and kissed me. I felt bad. I was really horny, but if I slept with her, I’d have Alicia on my mind and that would make me feel worse.
“Okay, I’ll call you afterwards if I can talk.” I grinned
“Shut up. Don’t let him hurt that pretty face.”
“Good night, Mila.”
“Good night, Kane. Thank you.”
I went home, alone. I spent another long miserable night dreaming about my brother’s girlfriend. When I woke up tangled up in sweaty sheets again, I resolved that after the fight I would call Mila and try harder to pursue that. I really did like her and before Alicia and Cruz showed up in town things were going good between us. I was finished torturing myself. It was time to make some changes.
I spent the rest of the day psyching myself up for the fight. At four o’clock the car Jacob sent for me arrived. It was my first title bout. My stomach wa
s full of knots and butterflies, but I knew I was ready. I knew I was better than Santoro and that’s what I told myself all the way there. When I stepped out of the car and the reporters started throwing questions at me, I was ready. I smiled confidently and assured them that I was going to walk out of there with the belt around my waist.
Jacob and the rest of the team were waiting for me in the locker room. Everyone except my brother. I tried not to obsess over that. I was focused. I didn’t want to lose that. The team had a positive, upbeat attitude. That just helped convince me further that I could do it, and I had nothing to worry about. My family issues were separate. I was going to have Santoro begging for mercy in the first round. Jacob went over some more things with me about Santoro’s ground game and Brock gave me more tips on that since the ground game was his specialty.
“Hey Kane, it’s time.” Jacob was standing by the door of the locker room. The rest of the guys would walk out first and be introduced, since we were a team, and then Jacob would go and I would go last, surrounded by security. I took a deep breath as the other guys all wished me luck and stepped out the door. Before it swung closed behind them, Cruz stepped inside. Jacob gave him one of his fatherly, disapproving looks and said, “You’ve got one minute. Do not upset my fighter. When you finish wishing him luck, get your ass out there with the rest of the team or don’t bother showing up on Monday.” Cruz grinned at him and nodded. Jacob stepped out and Cruz looked at me and said,
“You know Pappy, no matter how screwed up our father made us, you’re my little brother and I love you.” I couldn’t remember the last time I heard him say that. I had a lump in my throat the size of Texas.
“I love you too, man.” He hugged me then. I almost cried. Thank God I didn’t. The thought of Cruz or Jacob seeing me in tears was too much. He pulled back and grinned at me.
“Go show that Italian piece of shit what a border rat can do, huh?”
“You got it.”
He slapped me on the back just as Jacob poked his head in with an irritated look. “I’m going,” I heard Cruz say. The next thing I heard was,
“Fighting for the light heavyweight championship tonight is Kane Diaz!” I stepped out of the room and was immediately ensconced in a wall of security. I could hear the announcer saying I was six four and had weighed in at 215, but that was in the background. Up front where it mattered, I could hear my brother telling me that he loved me. I knew that no matter what happened, things would be okay.
13
Alicia
I went to bed for the first time in a long time with a smile on my face. Cruz wasn’t there, but I knew he would be late. He was going to the fight and then he’d be expected to go to the after party. Then he would come home and slide into bed next to me. We’d stayed up after he came home from the dinner and talked for hours. He never really told me where he went when he disappeared and I thought he left. Maybe he’d just gone for a walk. Wherever he’d gone, it led him to come home in a nostalgic mood. He talked about the first time he’d asked me out. It was about a year after Kane left. I’d just turned eighteen and Cruz and I bumped into each other in the village.
I recognized him at once, but I was surprised when he called me by name. I was certain that he wouldn’t remember me. “How are you, Alicia?”
I’d smiled and told him, “I’m doing well. How are you?”
He’d grinned and I think that was the first time I noticed how good looking he was. “I’m always doing well,” he said with a wink.
“That’s good. Have you heard from Kane?” I learned quickly that wasn’t a good question to ask. Cruz didn’t like to talk about anything that had to do with his brother or his father.
“No, I haven’t heard from him. Have you?” He seemed angry and at that point in time I had no idea why.
“No. I told him not to write. I’m not going to go to Nevada and he doesn’t have any plans to come back here. I thought it would only make my heart hurt more.”
“Were you in love with him?” he’d asked me.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “I know that I loved spending time with him. He was always so sweet to me. I know that I was really upset when he left, and lonely.”
In true Cruz style, he’d put his arm around my shoulders that day and said, “I can help with the lonely.”
He’d taken me to the Cantina for dinner that night and we danced and just had a great time. We hung out for several weeks before he tried anything. The only man or boy I’d ever been with had been Kane. Cruz was definitely different, but exciting and fun. Once we started having sex it was like neither of us could get enough. My parents didn’t approve of me spending time with him because I would come home late, or not at all. At first they tried to enforce those rules. When I kept breaking them, they told me he was a criminal. I was forbidden to see him. That only made me want to see him that much more. They’d made him the forbidden fruit.
Eventually, I started living with him. We would go back and forth between Mexico and Texas. A lot of the time I worried that he drank too much or smoked too much. There were nights when he didn’t come home and I’d worry he was dead. We fought like crazy people and then we would make up and have sex like wild animals. He was always generous with me. Anything I wanted he would get for me or give me money to get it myself. He didn’t deny me anything. He never failed to make me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet when he did come home. I’d always known that our relationship wasn’t conventional or even proper in most people’s eyes, but it was ours and no matter how often he pissed me off, I loved him.
After we talked for a couple of hours we had some amazing sex and afterwards as he held me in his arms I told myself it was “now or never.” I just blurted it out,
“We’re going to have a baby, Cruz.” He’d been stroking his fingers up and down my arm and when I said that, he froze. All I could hear for the longest time was his breathing. Finally I felt him take a deep breath.
“When?”
“I haven’t gone to the doctor yet, but I think in about seven months.”
“Okay. Damn! I’m going to be a papa!”
I smiled, still cautious. “Yes you are.”
“Damn! Cruz Diaz, a father. Imagine that. What do you think it will be?”
I giggled. “I have no idea.”
He held me back where he could see my face and said, “Are you happy?”
I smiled and nodded again. Right at that moment, I was. “Are you?”
He looked thoughtful for a minute and then he said, “A wise man told me that I should appreciate the good things in my life. I don’t do that enough for you. I’m happy, baby. This is a good thing, right?”
I giggled again. “Yeah, it’s a good thing. We’re going to have a baby!” He wrapped me in his arms and kissed me passionately. When we came up for air he said,
“We should get married.”
“Really?” That was a complete shock to me. We’d been together for five years and he’d never mentioned it.
“Yeah really. Hell, we’re in Vegas. Let’s go right now.”
I laughed. “You’re crazy.”
“No, I’m dead serious. Let’s go.” It was after four a.m. and we hadn’t even slept yet.
“No, let’s wait until I at least don’t have dark circles framing my eyes for the pictures, okay?”
“Okay, we’ll go tomorrow.”
I laughed again. “Tomorrow is Kane’s big fight and you have to go to that. I want you home on our wedding night. Let’s do it on Sunday. We’ll make a day and night of it.”
He’d snuggled into me and said, “Okay then. Sunday it is.” We’d fallen asleep like that and when I woke up on Saturday morning it was to the smell of pancakes and bacon. For just a fraction of a second I thought he cooked. I realized after he presented me with a silver tray that he’d had it delivered, but it was the thought that counted. We spent the morning together and before he left to deal with some business before the fight, he handed me a bunch of
cash and told me to buy whatever I needed for the wedding.
I drifted off to sleep dreaming of getting married. I was awoken several hours later by a beating on the door. I sat bolt upright in bed. My pulse was pounding. I felt myself instantly break out in a sweat. I looked at the clock at the bedside. It was 4:15 a.m. I looked at my phone. There were no texts or missed calls from Cruz. The pounding started again. I wondered if that was Cruz and he forgot his key. I slipped on my robe and went out to the living room. When I peeked out the hole my heart sank from my chest down into my belly. There were two men at the door. One of them was a uniformed cop. The other was in a suit and tie, but I could see the badge clipped to his hip.
“Can I help you?”
“Yes ma’am. I’m Officer Davis and this is Detective Jenkins. Does Cruz Diaz live here?”
“Yes, but he’s not here right now.” The next thing he said ignited the panic attack.
“Yes ma’am, we know. It’s you we really need to talk to. Are you his wife?”
“Fiancé,” I said in a shaky voice. Why do they know that Cruz isn’t home?
“Ma’am, can we come inside?”
I unlocked the deadbolt but left the hotel chain on and pulled it open a crack. “Why do you need to come in? Is Cruz in some kind of trouble?”
“I’d really like to come in and talk to you rather than tell you something like this out in the hallway.” That was when I threw open the door.
“Something like what?” I asked him. I was panting. I couldn’t get a full breath.
They both stepped inside. The uniformed officer closed the door behind us and the detective took over then and said, “Can we sit down?”
“No! Please, just tell me what kind of trouble he’s in.”
“Ma’am I’m afraid there has been an accident. Mr. Diaz is dead. He was killed instantly.”
All I heard was “dead.” Fate was a cruel bitch. Cruz and I had just started coming around to being a real couple after all the years. He was going to marry me and we were going to have a baby and be a family, and just like that, I was alone. I must have looked like I would pass out because the detective physically took my arm and led me over to the sofa. I could feel the tears in my eyes but they weren’t spilling. Oh Jesus! I suddenly had to rock myself back and forth. Cruz was dead. Fuck!