Redgauntlet: A Tale Of The Eighteenth Century

by Walter Scott

  LETTER XIII

  ALAN FAIRFORD TO DARSIE LATIMER

  I write on the instant, as you direct; and in a tragi-comic humour, forI have a tear in my eye and a smile on my cheek. Dearest Darsie, surenever a being but yourself could be so generous--sure never a being butyourself could be so absurd! I remember when you were a boy you wishedto make your fine new whip a present to old Aunt Peggy, merely becauseshe admired it; and now, with like unreflecting and inappropriateliberality, you would resign your beloved to a smoke-dried youngsophister, who cares not one of the hairs which it is his occupation tosplit, for all the daughters of Eve. I in love with your Lilias--yourGreen Mantle--your unknown enchantress!--why I scarce saw her for fiveminutes, and even then only the tip of her chin was distinctly visible.She was well made, and the tip of her chin was of a most promising castfor the rest of the face; but, Heaven save you! she came upon business!and for a lawyer to fall in love with a pretty client on a singleconsultation, would be as wise as if he became enamoured of aparticularly bright sunbeam which chanced for a moment to gild hisbar-wig. I give you my word I am heart-whole and moreover, I assure you,that before I suffer a woman to sit near my heart's core, I must see herfull face, without mask or mantle, aye, and know a good deal of hermind into the bargain. So never fret yourself on my account, my kind andgenerous Darsie; but, for your own sake, have a care and let not an idleattachment, so lightly taken up, lead you into serious danger.

  On this subject I feel so apprehensive, that now when I am decoratedwith the honours of the gown, I should have abandoned my career at thevery starting to come to you, but for my father having contrived toclog my heels with fetters of a professional nature. I will tell you thematter at length, for it is comical enough; and why should not youlist to my juridical adventures, as well as I to those of your fiddlingknight-errantry?

  It was after dinner, and I was considering how I might best introduceto my father the private resolution I had formed to set off forDumfriesshire, or whether I had not better run away at once, and pleadmy excuse by letter, when, assuming the peculiar look with which hecommunicates any of his intentions respecting me, that he suspects maynot be altogether acceptable, 'Alan,' he said, 'ye now wear a gown--yehave opened shop, as we would say of a more mechanical profession; and,doubtless, ye think the floor of the courts is strewed with guineas, andthat ye have only to stoop down to gather them?'

  'I hope I am sensible, sir,' I replied, 'that I have some knowledge andpractice to acquire, and must stoop for that in the first place.'

  'It is well said,' answered my father; and, always afraid to give toomuch encouragement, added, 'Very well said, if it be well acted upto--Stoop to get knowledge and practice is the very word. Ye know verywell, Alan, that in the other faculty who study the ARS MEDENDI, beforethe young doctor gets to the bedsides of palaces, he must, as they callit, walk the hospitals; and cure Lazarus of his sores, before he beadmitted to prescribe for Dives, when he has gout or indigestion'--

  'I am aware, sir, that'--

  'Whisht--do not interrupt the court. Well--also the chirurgeons havea useful practice, by which they put their apprentices and tyrones towork; upon senseless dead bodies, to which, as they can do no good, sothey certainly can do as little harm; while at the same time the tyro,or apprentice, gains experience, and becomes fit to whip off a leg orarm from a living subject, as cleanly as ye would slice an onion.'

  'I believe I guess your meaning, sir,' answered I; 'and were it not fora very particular engagement'--

  'Do not speak to me of engagements; but whisht--there is a good lad--anddo not interrupt the court.'

  My father, you know, is apt--be it said with all filial duty--to be alittle prolix in his harangues. I had nothing for it but to lean backand listen.

  'Maybe you think, Alan, because I have, doubtless, the management ofsome actions in dependence, whilk my worthy clients have intrustedme with, that I may think of airting them your way INSTANTER; and sosetting you up in practice, so far as my small business or influence maygo; and, doubtless, Alan, that is a day whilk I hope may come round. Butthen, before I give, as the proverb hath it, "My own fish-guts to my ownsea-maws," I must, for the sake of my own character, be very sure thatmy sea-maw can pick them to some purpose. What say ye?'

  'I am so far,' answered I, 'from wishing to get early into practice,sir, that I would willingly bestow a few days'--

  'In further study, ye would say, Alan. But that is not the wayeither--ye must walk the hospitals--ye must cure Lazarus--ye must cutand carve on a departed subject, to show your skill.'

  'I am sure,' I replied, 'I will undertake the cause of any poor man withpleasure, and bestow as much pains upon it as if it were a duke's; butfor the next two or three days'--

  'They must be devoted to close study, Alan--very close study indeed; forye must stand primed for a hearing, IN PRESENTIA DOMINORUM, upon Tuesdaynext.'

  'I, sir?' I replied in astonishment--'I have not opened my mouth in theOuter House yet!'

  'Never mind the court of the Gentiles, man,' said my father; 'we willhave you into the Sanctuary at once--over shoes, over boots.'

  'But, sir, I should really spoil any cause thrust on me so hastily.'

  'Ye cannot spoil it, Alan,' said my father, rubbing his hands with muchcomplacency; 'that is the very cream of the business, man--it is just,as I said before, a subject upon whilk all the TYRONES have been tryingtheir whittles for fifteen years; and as there have been about ten or adozen agents concerned, and each took his own way, the case is come tothat pass, that Stair or Amiston could not mend it; and I do not thinkeven you, Alan, can do it much harm--ye may get credit by it, but ye canlose none.'

  'And pray what is the name of my happy client, sir?' said I,ungraciously enough, I believe.

  'It is a well-known name in the Parliament House,' replied my father.'To say the truth, I expect him every moment; it is Peter Peebles.' [SeeNote 4.]

  'Peter Peebles!' exclaimed I, in astonishment; 'he is an insanebeggar--as poor as Job, and as mad as a March hare!'

  'He has been pleaing in the court for fifteen years,' said my father, ina tone of commiseration, which seemed to acknowledge that this factwas enough to account for the poor man's condition both in mind andcircumstances.

  'Besides, sir,' I added, 'he is on the Poor's Roll; and you know thereare advocates regularly appointed to manage those cases; and for me topresume to interfere'--

  'Whisht, Alan!--never interrupt the court--all THAT is managed for yelike a tee'd ball' (my father sometimes draws his similes from his oncefavourite game of golf); 'you must know, Alan, that Peter's cause wasto have been opened by young Dumtoustie--ye may ken the lad, a son ofDumtoustie of that ilk, member of Parliament for the county of--, and anephew of the laird's younger brother, worthy Lord Bladderskate, whilkye are aware sounds as like being akin to a peatship [Formerly, alawyer, supposed to be under the peculiar patronage of any particularjudge, was invidiously termed his PEAT or PET.] and a sheriffdom, as asieve is sib to a riddle. Now, Peter Drudgeit, my lord's clerk, came tome this morning in the House, like ane bereft of his wits; for it seemsthat young Dumtoustie is ane of the Poor's lawyers, and Peter Peebles'sprocess had been remitted to him of course. But so soon as theharebrained goose saw the pokes [Process-bags.] (as indeed, Alan, theyare none of the least) he took fright, called for his nag, lap on, andaway to the country is he gone; and so? said Peter, my lord is at hiswit's end wi' vexation, and shame, to see his nevoy break off the courseat the very starting. "I'll tell you, Peter," said I, "were I my lord,and a friend or kinsman of mine should leave the town while the courtwas sitting, that kinsman, or be he what he liked, should never darkenmy door again." And then, Alan, I thought to turn the ball our own way;and I said that you were a gey sharp birkie, just off the irons, and ifit would oblige my lord, and so forth, you would open Peter's cause onTuesday, and make some handsome apology for the necessary absence ofyour learned friend, and the loss which your client and the court hadsustained, and so forth. Peter lap a
t the proposition like a cock at agrossart; for, he said, the only chance was to get a new hand, that didnot ken the charge he was taking upon him; for there was not a lad oftwo sessions' standing that was not dead-sick of Peter Peebles and hiscause; and he advised me to break the matter gently to you at thefirst; but I told him you were, a good bairn, Alan, and had no will andpleasure in these matters but mine.'

  What could I say, Darsie, in answer to this arrangement, so very wellmeant--so very vexatious at the same time? To imitate the defection andflight of young Dumtoustie, was at once to destroy my father's hopesof me for ever; nay, such is the keenness with which he regards allconnected with his profession, it might have been a step to breakinghis heart. I was obliged, therefore, to bow in sad acquiescence, when myfather called to James Wilkinson to bring the two bits of pokes he wouldfind on his table.

  Exit James, and presently re-enters, bending under the load of two hugeleathern bags, full of papers to the brim, and labelled on the greasybacks with the magic impress of the clerks of court, and the title,PEEBLES AGAINST PLAINSTANES. This huge mass was deposited on the table,and my father, with no ordinary glee in his countenance, began to drawout; the various bundles of papers, secured by none of your red tapeor whipcord, but stout, substantial casts of tarred rope, such as mighthave held small craft at their moorings.

  I made a last and desperate effort to get rid of the impending job. 'Iam really afraid, sir, that this case seems so much complicated, andthere is so little time to prepare, that we had better move the court tosupersede it till next session.'

  'How, sir?--how, Alan?' said my father--'Would you approbate andreprobate, sir? You have accepted the poor man's cause, and if you havenot his fee in your pocket, it is because he has none to give you; andnow would you approbate and reprobate in the same breath of your mouth?Think of your oath of office, Alan, and your duty to your father, mydear boy.'

  Once more, what could I say? I saw from my father's hurried and alarmedmanner, that nothing could vex him so much as failing in the point hehad determined to carry, and once more intimated my readiness to do mybest, under every disadvantage.

  'Well, well, my boy,' said my father, 'the Lord will make your days longin the land, for the honour you have given to your father's grey hairs.You may find wiser advisers, Alan, but none that can wish you better.'

  My father, you know, does not usually give way to expressions ofaffection, and they are interesting in proportion to their rarity. Myeyes began to fill at seeing his glisten; and my delight at having givenhim such sensible gratification would have been unmixed but for thethoughts of you. These out of the question, I could have grappled withthe bags, had they been as large as corn-sacks. But, to turn whatwas grave into farce, the door opened, and Wilkinson ushered in PeterPeebles.

  You must have seen this original, Darsie, who, like others in the samepredicament, continues to haunt the courts of justice, where he has madeshipwreck of time, means, and understanding. Such insane paupers havesometimes seemed to me to resemble wrecks lying upon the shoals on theGoodwin Sands, or in Yarmouth Roads, warning other vessels to keep alooffrom the banks on which they have been lost; or rather, such ruinedclients are like scarecrows and potato-bogies, distributed through thecourts to scare away fools from the scene of litigation.

  The identical Peter wears a huge greatcoat threadbare and patcheditself, yet carefully so disposed and secured by what buttons remain,and many supplementary pins, as to conceal the still more infirm stateof his under garments. The shoes and stockings of a ploughman were,however, seen to meet at his knees with a pair of brownish, blackishbreeches; a rusty-coloured handkerchief, that has been black in itsday, surrounded his throat, and was an apology for linen. His hair, halfgrey, half black, escaped in elf-locks around a huge wig, made of tow,as it seemed to me, and so much shrunk that it stood up on the very topof his head; above which he plants, when covered, an immense cocked hat,which, like the chieftain's banner in an ancient battle, may be seenany sederunt day betwixt nine and ten, high towering above allthe fluctuating and changeful scene in the Outer House, where hiseccentricities often make him the centre of a group of petulant andteasing boys, who exercise upon him every art of ingenious torture.His countenance, originally that of a portly, comely burgess, is nowemaciated with poverty and anxiety, and rendered wild by an insanelightness about the eyes; a withered and blighted skin and complexion;features begrimed with snuff, charged with the self-importance peculiarto insanity; and a habit of perpetually speaking to himself. Such wasmy unfortunate client; and I must allow, Darsie, that my profession hadneed to do a great deal of good, if, as is much to be feared, it bringsmany individuals to such a pass.

  After we had been, with a good deal of form, presented to each other,at which time I easily saw by my father's manner that he was desirous ofsupporting Peter's character in my eyes, as much as circumstances wouldpermit, 'Alan,' he said, 'this is the gentleman who has agreed to acceptof you as his counsel, in place of young Dumtoustie.'

  'Entirely out of favour to my old acquaintance your father, said Peter.with a benign and patronizing countenance, 'out of respect to yourfather, and my old intimacy with Lord Bladderskate. Otherwise, by theREGIAM MAJESTATEM! I would have presented a petition and complaintagainst Daniel Dumtoustie, Advocate, by name and surname--I would, byall the practiques!--I know the forms of process; and I am not to betriffled with.'

  My father here interrupted my client, and reminded him that there was agood deal of business to do, as he proposed to give the young counselan outline of the state of the conjoined process, with a view to lettinghim into the merits of the cause, disencumbered from the points of form.'I have made a short abbreviate, Mr. Peebles,' said he; 'having sat uplate last night, and employed much of this morning in wading throughthese papers, to save Alan some trouble, and I am now about to state theresult.'

  'I will state it myself,' said Peter, breaking in without reverence uponhis solicitor.

  'No, by no means,' said my father; 'I am your agent for the time.'

  'Mine eleventh in number,' said Peter; 'I have a new one every year; Iwish I could get a new coat as regularly.'

  'Your agent for the time,' resumed my father; 'and you, who areacquainted with the forms, know that the client states the cause to theagent--the agent to the counsel'--

  'The counsel to the Lord Ordinary,' continued Peter, once set a-going,like the peal of an alarm clock, 'the Ordinary to the Inner House, thePresident to the Bench. It is just like the rope to the man, the man tothe ox, the ox to the water, the water to the fire'--

  'Hush, for Heaven's sake, Mr. Peebles,' said my father, cutting hisrecitation short; 'time wears on--we must get to business--you mustnot interrupt the court, you know.--Hem, hem! From this abbreviate itappears'--

  'Before you begin,' said Peter Peebles 'I'll thank you to order me amorsel of bread and cheese, or some cauld meat, or broth, or the likealimentary provision; I was so anxious to see your son, that I could noteat a mouthful of dinner.'

  Heartily glad, I believe, to have so good a chance of stopping hisclient's mouth effectually, my father ordered some cold meat; to whichJames Wilkinson, for the honour of the house, was about to add thebrandy bottle, which remained on the sideboard, but, at a wink from myfather, supplied its place with small beer. Peter charged the provisionswith the rapacity of a famished lion; and so well did the diversionengage him, that though, while my father stated the case, he looked athim repeatedly, as if he meant to interrupt his statement, yet he alwaysfound more agreeable employment for his mouth, and returned to thecold beef with an avidity which convinced me he had not had such anopportunity for many a day of satiating his appetite. Omitting muchformal phraseology, and many legal details, I will endeavour to giveyou, in exchange for your fiddler's tale, the history of a litigant, orrather, the history of his lawsuit.

  'Peter Peebles and Paul Plainstanes,' said my father, entered intopartnership, in the year--, as mercers and linendrapers, in theLuckenbooths, and carried on a great line of busine
ss to mutualadvantage. But the learned counsel needeth not to be told, SOCIETAS ESTMATER DISCORDIARUM, partnership oft makes pleaship. The company beingdissolved by mutual consent, in the year--, the affairs had to be woundup, and after certain attempts to settle the matter extra-judicially,it was at last brought into the court, and has branched out into severaldistinct processes, most of whilk have been conjoined by the Ordinary.It is to the state of these processes that counsel's attention isparticularly directed. There is the original action of Peebles v.Plainstanes, convening him for payment of 3000l., less or more, asalleged balance due by Plainstanes. Secondly, there is a counter action,in which Plainstanes is pursuer and Peebles defender, for 2500l.,less or more, being balance alleged per contra, to be due by Peebles.Thirdly, Mr. Peeble's seventh agent advised an action of Compt andReckoning at his instance, wherein what balance should prove due oneither side might be fairly struck and ascertained. Fourthly, to meetthe hypothetical case, that Peebles might be found liable in a balanceto Plainstanes, Mr. Wildgoose, Mr. Peebles's eighth agent, recommended aMultiplepoinding, to bring all parties concerned into the field.'

  My brain was like to turn at this account of lawsuit within lawsuit,like a nest of chip-boxes, with all of which I was expected to makemyself acquainted.

  'I understand,' I said, 'that Mr. Peebles claims a sum of money fromPlainstanes--how then can he be his debtor? and if not his debtor, howcan he bring a Multiplepoinding, the very summons of which sets forth,that the pursuer does owe certain monies, which he is desirous to pay bywarrant of a judge?' [Multiplepoinding is, I believe, equivalent to whatis called in England a case of Double Distress.]

  'Ye know little of the matter, I doubt, friend,' said Mr. Peebles; 'aMultiplepoinding is the safest REMEDIUM JURIS in the whole; form ofprocess. I have known it conjoined with a declarator of marriage.--Yourbeef is excellent,' he said to my father, who in vain endeavoured toresume his legal disquisition; 'but something highly powdered--and thetwopenny is undeniable; but it is small swipes--small swipes--more ofhop than malt-with your leave, I'll try your black bottle.'

  My father started to help him with his own hand, and in due measure;but, infinitely to my amusement, Peter got possession of the bottle bythe neck, and my father's ideas of hospitality were far too scrupulousto permit his attempting, by any direct means, to redeem it; so thatPeter returned to the table triumphant, with his prey in his clutch.

  'Better have a wine-glass, Mr. Peebles,' said my father, in anadmonitory tone, 'you will find it pretty strong.'

  'If the kirk is ower muckle, we can sing mass in the quire,' said Peter,helping himself in the goblet out of which he had been drinking thesmall beer. 'What is it, usquebaugh?--BRANDY, as I am an honest man! Ihad almost forgotten the name and taste of brandy. Mr. Fairford elder,your good health' (a mouthful of brandy), 'Mr. Alan Fairford, wishingyou well through your arduous undertaking' (another go-down of thecomfortable liquor). 'And now, though you have given a tolerablebreviate of this great lawsuit, of whilk everybody has heard somethingthat has walked the boards in the Outer House (here's to ye again,by way of interim decreet) yet ye have omitted to speak a word of thearrestments.'

  'I was just coming to that point, Mr. Peebles.'

  'Or of the action of suspension of the charge on the bill.'

  'I was just coming to that.'

  'Or the advocation of the Sheriff-Court process.'

  'I was just coming to it.'

  'As Tweed comes to Melrose, I think,' said the litigant; and thenfilling his goblet about a quarter full of brandy, as if in absence ofmind, 'Oh, Mr. Alan Fairford, ye are a lucky man to buckle to such acause as mine at the very outset! it is like a specimen of all causes,man. By the Regiam, there is not a REMEDIUM JURIS in the practiquesbut ye'll find a spice o't. Here's to your getting weel through withit--Pshut--I am drinking naked spirits, I think. But if the heathen heower strong, we'll christen him with the brewer' (here he added alittle small beer to his beverage, paused, rolled his eyes, winked,and proceeded),--'Mr. Fairford--the action of assault and battery,Mr. Fairford, when I compelled the villain Plainstanes to pull mynose within two steps of King Charles's statue, in the ParliamentClose--there I had him in a hose-net. Never man could tell me how toshape that process--no counsel that ever selled mind could condescendand say whether it were best to proceed by way of petition andcomplaint, AD VINDICTAM PUBLICAM, with consent of his Majesty'sadvocate, or by action on the statute for battery PENDENTE LITE, whilkwould be the winning my plea at once, and so getting a back-door out ofcourt.--By the Regiam, that beef and brandy is unco het at my heart--Imaun try the ale again' (sipped a little beer); 'and the ale's butcauld, I maun e'en put in the rest of the brandy.'

  He was as good as his word, and proceeded in so loud and animateda style of elocution, thumping the table, drinking and snuffingalternately, that my father, abandoning all attempts to interrupt him,sat silent and ashamed, suffering, and anxious for the conclusion of thescene.

  'And then to come back to my pet process of all--my battery and assaultprocess, when I had the good luck to provoke him to pull my nose atthe very threshold of the court, whilk was the very thing I wanted--Mr.Pest, ye ken him, Daddie Fairford? Old Pest was for making it outHAMESUCKEN, for he said the court might be said--said--ugh!--to be mydwelling-place. I dwell mair there than ony gate else, and the essenceof hamesucken is to strike a man in his dwelling-place--mind that, youngadvocate--and so there's hope Plainstanes may be hanged, as many hasfor a less matter; for, my lords,--will Pest say to the Justiciarybodies,--my lords, the Parliament House is Peebles' place ofdwelling, says he--being COMMUNE FORUM, and COMMUNE FORUM EST COMMUNEDOMICILIUM--Lass, fetch another glass of and score it--time to gaehame--by the practiques, I cannot find the jug--yet there's twa of them,I think. By the Regiam, Fairford--Daddie Fairford--lend us twal penniesto buy sneeshing, mine is done--Macer, call another cause.'

  The box fell from his hands, and his body would at the same time havefallen from the chair, had not I supported him.

  'This is intolerable,' said my father--'Call a chairman, JamesWilkinson, to carry this degraded, worthless, drunken beast home.'

  When Peter Peebles was removed from this memorable consultation, underthe care of an able-bodied Celt, my father hastily bundled up thepapers, as a showman, whose exhibition has miscarried, hastes to removehis booth. 'Here are my memoranda, Alan,' he said, in a hurried way;'look them carefully over--compare them with the processes, and turnit in your head before Tuesday. Many a good speech has been made for abeast of a client; and hark ye, lad, hark ye--I never intended to cheatyou of your fee when all was done, though I would have liked to haveheard the speech first; but there is nothing like corning the horsebefore the journey. Here are five goud guineas in a silk purse--of yourpoor mother's netting, Alan--she would have been a blithe woman to haveseen her young son with a gown on his back--but no more of that--be agood boy, and to the work like a tiger.'

  I did set to work, Darsie; for who could resist such motives? With myfather's assistance, I have mastered the details, confused as they are;and on Tuesday I shall plead as well for Peter Peebles as I could fora duke. Indeed, I feel my head so clear on the subject as to be ableto write this long letter to you; into which, however, Peter and hislawsuit have insinuated themselves so far as to show you how much theyat present occupy my thoughts. Once more, be careful of yourself, andmindful of me, who am ever thine, while ALAN FAIRFORD.

  From circumstances, to be hereafter mentioned, it was long ere thisletter reached the person to whom it was addressed.

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