by Lee Monroe
I saw my mother roll her eyes behind me. ‘You’ll have to get that boyfriend of yours to take you somewhere where you can show it off.’
I looked back at my reflection and smiled. ‘I’m sure something will come up.’
‘I’ll have it cleaned,’ said Mum, brushing at the fabric. ‘I just hope you don’t grow any more before you get the chance to wear it.’
Suddenly I felt a jerk of excitement at arriving at the Great Ball in this wonderful dress. It transformed me, even I could see that.
I pulled the notebook out again in the afternoon, finding the right page, and turned to lie on my stomach on my bed. The middle of the book was covered with more drawings. She’d sketched the interior of a house. A large room with ornate lights hanging down and a man and a woman wearing what looked like bathrobes. The floor of the room was chequered black and white. On a table were glasses and a large jug or vase. A girl lay curled up on a couch; she had long hair. Her clothes were nondescript, but she wore trousers and a shirt.
I flipped forward a few pages and found a very short entry.
Bitterly cold. Always so cold here. My mother says we are going to move. Now that she’s getting better, she wants to live somewhere warmer. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything any more. You are gone. And my choice seems clearer than ever.
I frowned. Luca had said there was no happy ending to this. There was nothing to stop me reading through to the end of the book, but I didn’t want to. In a strange kind of way I needed to hang on to each entry. It made me feel closer to Luca. I had a feeling that once I had read everything and finished the book then he might fade away.
I got off the bed and put the book away in my drawer, burying it beneath my underwear, where it couldn’t be found, and then paused to look out of the window.
The trees were looking a little greener now. Spring was on its way.
I turned to see the Breton striped top on my chair. I slipped it on over my T-shirt and gave myself a quick inspection in the mirror. It was cute and it smelled of my mother.
Feeling in a good mood, I decided to take Bobby for a walk into town.
Downstairs, I flipped through my address book to find Evan’s number, and after dialling the number I waited, excited at the thought of a spontaneous meeting.
‘Hey.’ The familiar girl’s voice on the end of the phone startled me. So much so that I was speechless for a second or two.
‘Hello?’ Sarah’s tone was back to its insolent drawl. ‘Anybody there?’
I cleared my throat. ‘Um … It’s Jane.’
‘Oh hi.’ Just like that, the petulance turned to something much more syrupy sweet. ‘How are you, Jane?’
‘Fine.’ I hesitated. I had nothing to say to her. ‘Is Evan there?’
‘Hold on a minute, babe, I’ll go and find him.’
Babe?
Heavy footsteps got louder and I heard his breathing. I adjusted my own, which was all out of sync.
‘Hey, Jane, I was just about to call you,’ said Evan. ‘You ran off yesterday before I had a chance to make plans with you.’
‘Oh,’ I said, coyly, pleased. ‘I didn’t exactly run off.’
He laughed, a slow affectionate laugh, making my insides somersault. ‘Good. Want to do something now?’
‘I was thinking of taking the dog for a walk. I thought, you know, we could hook up?’
‘Want me to come up the hill?’
‘It’s a mountain. But no … I thought I’d take him down to town. He likes the chance to mingle with other dogs from time to time.’
‘Does he indeed?’ Evan teased. ‘Do you think he’d mind a pitstop at my favourite café?’
‘He loves Eileen.’ I smiled. ‘She spoils him with leftover burgers. Shall we meet there in, say, half an hour?’
‘I can’t wait,’ said Evan.
It was finally warm enough to wear my jacket loose, with just my new-old striped top on underneath it, as Bobby and I made our way down the track and over on to the rugged path leading to Bale. I breathed in deeply, remembering how spring can make you feel so exhilarated when it appears out of nowhere. A few degrees higher in temperature and everything changes. I lifted my face up to the sun and felt my heart lifting too. I was glad I was meeting Evan. He was right, I had rushed off. I’d got things out of proportion. Whatever her reasons, wasn’t it good that Sarah Emerson was trying to make amends?
Bobby scampered ahead and I picked up my pace to catch him before he ran into the road.
‘Bobs!’ I jangled the lead to entice him back. Unsurprisingly he wasn’t tempted but stood obediently, waiting for me to catch him up. I slipped the lead on him, pausing to give him a rub.
‘I’m happy, Bobby,’ I whispered into his silky head.
Bobby cocked his head to one side, bemused, and I ran a finger over his soft ear.
‘Right then,’ I told him. ‘You want one of Eileen’s special horizontal milkshakes?’
Bobby gave an enthusiastic bark and I stood and tugged his lead.
‘Let’s run,’ I said, lengthening my strides. ‘All the way there.’
By the time we reached Bale’s main street I was out of breath and way too hot, so I slowed. I had to compose myself before I saw Evan. I stopped and put my hands on my knees, gradually recovering my breath, before straightening up and taking off my jacket, running my hands through my hair to calm it down.
‘OK.’ I puffed my cheeks. ‘I think I’m ready.’ I pulled the dog along the pavement and when we reached Fabio’s, I stood slightly on tiptoe, peering over Eileen’s net curtain.
He was in there, perched on a counter stool as usual. And next to him, swinging from side to side on her seat, tossing her silly blonde mane around, was Sarah.
I dropped back on to my feet, my breath coming quickly now.
He brought her? Why?
Bobby whined, confused as I remained standing on the spot. I looked down at him as though he would provide some remedy to the situation.
‘Shut up!’ I heard her say; loud, confident.
‘Seriously.’ Evan’s voice, more gregarious than usual. ‘They’re vicious animals. They’re not cute.’
In spite of myself I raised my head again to look at them. Evan had his hand on her shoulder, rubbing it as he talked. His face was animated and his free hand thumped the counter.
‘They are! Koala bears are cute!’ she protested.
Was she even wearing a skirt? All I could glimpse was acres of black leg.
‘They bite,’ he said, lunging at her as though to nip her cheek with his teeth.
I was suddenly freezing cold. I shivered, touching the top of Bobby’s head with my palm.
And I felt nauseous.
‘Behave yourself, you,’ I heard him say. ‘Jane will be here any minute.’
I couldn’t hear what Sarah said in response. I tipped my head against the glass, but all I heard was a rushing sound in my ears.
I stayed there though. Tired all of a sudden. And humiliated.
Sarah had spoiled everything. Or was it Evan?
Then I looked down at Bobby, who was cold too I could tell. He looked back up at me. ‘Come on, boy,’ I said quietly. ‘Let’s go home.’
Keeping my head down I put my jacket back on, hugging it to me, as the dog shuffled alongside me in apparent sympathy.
The walk back was slow, and the clouds had gathered. The sun had gone in.
Oh boy, had the sun gone in.
When we finally got back to the track, I released Bobby and watched him fly up to the house. Watched as Dot appeared out of the back door, home from her sleepover and come forward to cuddle him. Spotting me, she waved, smiling, and I lifted a hand limply in return.
I couldn’t face anyone right now. I knew where I wanted to be.
Dad’s bench was covered with bits of branch and leaves. I brushed some aside and sank back, lifting up my legs and crossing them underneath me. I closed my eyes and felt a kind of damp, flat feeling in my heart. A famil
iar feeling I hadn’t had for weeks. Ever since … since I had met Luca, I realised.
‘I wish I could see you,’ I said aloud, keeping my eyes shut. Where was he? Why had he just … left me?
A crunch, the sound of boots on leaves, made my eyes snap open.
‘And here I am,’ he said. Softly, sorrowfully.
I turned my head slowly to look at him. There was no mistaking the sinking of my heart.
‘I ran all the way,’ said Evan, clearing a space on the bench to sit next to me. ‘What happened? One minute I saw you outside Fabio’s. The next you’d disappeared.’
I didn’t speak at first. I didn’t trust myself not to unleash a rant. But Evan was waiting, oblivious to my pointed silence.
‘Jane?’ He rubbed my shoulder but I shrugged him off rudely.
‘Leave me alone,’ I said, before he was settled. ‘You’ve ruined everything. You and your sister.’
‘Will you let me explain?’ he said cautiously.
I stared at him, shaking my head.
‘Why?’ I frowned. ‘Why did you invite her along? I said I forgave her. It doesn’t mean I want anything to do with her.’
‘She invited herself along …’ he said calmly. ‘She’s pretty forceful when she puts her mind to it.’
I remembered how he’d looked with her. Relaxed, playful. And his words: ‘Jane will be here soon.’
‘You like her,’ I said, turning my face away from him. ‘And that’s OK. She’s much more your kind of person. Insensitive. Shallow.’
‘Jane.’ His voice rose a notch. ‘You don’t mean that. You know we’re special, you and I. You really think I’m shallow?’
I fiddled with the lace on my trainer. ‘I have no idea who you are. You change …’ I hesitated. ‘Sometimes I see you and I don’t like it …’
He reached out and took my hand. ‘I just know how to handle people like Sarah. Remember all those fake bimbos I told you about back home? I grew up with girls like Sarah. I learned how to humour them.’
I sniffed, my eyes still down on my trainers. ‘Well, you learned good, is all I can say. You sounded pretty convincing to me.’
Silence.
‘I want her to accept us,’ he said eventually, much more humbly. ‘She’s one of those spoiled, demanding types. You of all people know that. My dad adores her. She wants to go out, I have to take her. She wants to act all girly and flirty, I have to humour her.’ He sighed. ‘I know it makes me sound like I’ve sold out. Like I’m not brave enough to be real with her. But I’m still the black sheep in our house. I need to prove to my dad that I’m grown up … You are so important to me … I’m just trying to juggle everything. Keep everybody happy … you know?’
I felt ever so slightly bad. Maybe, just maybe, I had overreacted a little. Maybe he was trying to do the right thing. Play the long game.
But he wasn’t completely off the hook. Not yet.
‘The thing that gets to me,’ I said, ‘is that she’s got her own way. Muscling in between us. It just seems like from now on it’s going to be the three of us. I know her. I know exactly how she operates.’
He shook his head. ‘I won’t let that happen. In fact I had a plan…I was going to tell you about it…’
I kept my head down, waiting, as he cleared his throat.
‘Let’s go away somewhere, just the two of us … Camping or something.’ He waited for me to respond, as I remained fascinated by my footwear. Eventually I lifted my head.
‘Better bring a three-man tent,’ I told him dryly. ‘Just in case …’
‘Is that a roundabout way of accepting my offer?’ A faint smile played on his lips.
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know … You always manage to make me feel … ridiculous. Like I’m paranoid or something.’
‘You’re very far from ridiculous,’ Evan said seriously. ‘Though you might be a teensy bit paranoid maybe …’ I could tell he was holding his breath, and I gave him what he wanted. A smile.
‘Maybe next weekend.’ I sighed. ‘There’s a spot on the other side of the mountain. My dad used to take us there when we were little. It’ll be nice this time of year.’
‘Great.’ Evan shuffled closer to me and put an arm tentatively around my shoulders. ‘I’m sorry I upset you.’
‘’S OK.’ I could feel my legs getting cramps and I uncrossed them, kicking at the ground. ‘Just keep her away from me.’
‘It will be done,’ he said, drawing me into him. ‘From now, it’s just you and me.’
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The days rolled by and I began to lighten up. Not see the doom and darkness in everything. Lose the paranoia. I had allowed myself to be convinced by Evan that my distrust was all in my head. I supposed it made sense. For as long as I could remember I had been wary of most people … And when I met Sarah that wariness turned into something much darker. She was out to get me. I was different and I had to be punished. That was my lot. Everyone was my enemy, except for my family.
And Luca.
I had never felt a moment’s real fear with him, which thinking rationally, was plain … irrational. I mean, he was a werewolf! A dangerous predator. But Luca had shown me all his dark corners, not hidden them.
Maybe fear is in not knowing? Trust is about knowing?
I wasn’t stupid, I knew that the attraction I had to Evan was partly down to the enigma of him. And the fact that he was so golden he glowed. The shallow part of me wanted that golden boy, wanted to believe in him. His beauty seemed to reflect any that I had. So that was why I spent my days fantasising about spending the night under the stars, the other side of the mountain, with my boyfriend, refusing to think about his sister, trying not to let Luca in.
Not that Luca was around.
I took the dress and held it against me in front of the mirror. The two-tone satin shimmered and my face glowed along with it. I saw myself stepping through the great palace to its grand ballroom. Elegant, womanly with Luca holding my arm proudly. But would I ever get there? Wasn’t it just a ridiculous fantasy?
I shivered as I realised how much it would bother me if that were true.
Because I wanted to be the princess at the ball. I wanted to dance with a handsome boy and have everyone gazing at me. I guess there’s no girl in the world that doesn’t deep down want that.
I shook my head, embarrassed at my train of thought. I never usually had any truck with that kind of romantic stuff. Never wanted to dress up. But putting on that dress … seeing myself as a boy might see me … it changed things.
And that dress didn’t belong here on mortal Earth. It belonged to another world. Where I was another Jane.
And it belonged to me and Luca.
A knock on the door brought me out of my thoughts.
‘Jane.’ Dad’s voice. ‘I need some help getting a table in the van … Your mother and sister have gone into town. Can you give me a hand?’
‘Just coming.’ I lay the dress on my bed and grabbed a sweatshirt.
Dad had finally finished Mrs Benjamin’s table and it was enormous. I gaped as he opened the shed door.
‘I’ll do the brunt of this,’ he said. ‘I just need you to guide it through the doors.’
‘Dad. You shouldn’t be lifting anything yet,’ I said, giving him a stern look. ‘Let’s wait and Mum and I can do it.’
‘It needs someone stronger than your mum … at one end at least.’ He sighed, gently rubbing his shoulder. ‘But perhaps you’re right.’
‘I could call Evan. If you can hang on twenty minutes?’
Dad shook his head. ‘I’ll give Mrs B a call. Maybe she can wait another day and your mother can help.’
‘OK.’ I moved to lean against the van, where Dad joined me.
We stood in easy silence, looking at the table, through the shed door.
‘You like him, then?’ Dad said after a while. ‘Evan.’
I looked sideways at him.
‘I guess,’ I said, a little shyly.
Dad nodded. ‘Seems a good kid. Seems like a bit of a loner, too.’ He caught my eye. ‘I don’t want you to be hurt.’
My skin prickled. ‘He’s staying around for the summer, he told me.’
‘Good. Just be careful that’s all.’
I shrugged. ‘He wouldn’t hurt me. Not on purpose, anyway.’
‘Jane.’ Dad pursed his lips for a second. ‘You’re very young. I can see how a kid like him – worldly, travelled … that kind of thing – would appeal. But he’s independent. I can see that. I’m just not sure you should set your heart on him.’
‘I’m not,’ I said, annoyed. ‘What is this? You don’t like me having a boyfriend.’
‘Not at all.’ Dad smiled. ‘I suppose every father says this about his child, but you’re special, Janey. A special girl. And you’re sensitive.’
‘I can look after myself. I’m not a child any more.’
Dad continued smiling at me, moving closer and putting an arm round my shoulders.
‘You remember when he came to lunch. And your mother talked about being in love.’
‘I remember. She couldn’t eat.’
‘That’s right.’ Dad chuckled. ‘Well … when I first met your mother, she was pretty cut up. She didn’t tell me everything … but I got the distinct impression that this guy – her “first love” – had really broken her heart. She told me he had been a free spirit … always a little unavailable … that she’d known they would never end up together deep down because of that, but that he felt like her soulmate, and she fell for him. She was devastated when it ended.’
‘What happened?’ I asked, curious. ‘How did it end?’
‘He just disappeared.’ Dad shrugged. ‘She tried to contact him, but she never saw or heard from him again.’
‘Poor Mum,’ I breathed. I turned to look at Dad. ‘But then she fell in love with you.’
‘It took a while. But she knew I wasn’t going anywhere and I adored her. And eventually, she came to love me.’
I squeezed his arm. ‘Mum loves you, loads. It’s obvious.’
‘I know. I wasn’t her first choice.’ He tightened his hold on my shoulder, leaning in to kiss the top of my head. ‘But she told me when we got engaged that she knew I was the right choice.’