Alex rolled his eyes. “Yes there was. When you said ‘Leo’ you had a tone. Why?”
Jason sighed and rubbed his head. “Well he’s the man……well…….um……”
A slight blush covered his face as he realized he didn’t actually know who played what roll in Alex’s relationship. Alex looked at him, a slight smirk covering his face. “Jason?”
Jason shuddered, he knew that tone of voice, Alex was about to say or do something that would make him very uncomfortable. “Are you trying to figure out which of us is the one who gets fucked?”
Jason's face went dark red as those words left Alex’s mouth. He tried to distract himself from his embarrassment, looking around for anything he could use to distance himself from this particular subject. “I……Um………I……”
He bit his lip trying to think of something to say. In truth he had wondered about it once or twice. When’d they’d be talking on the phone and Alex would giggle unexpectedly Jason could not help but wonder if Leo was doing something to him. As much as he tried not to think about it or let it get to him he did. Next to him Alex continued to smirk at him, knowing he was right. After a moment Jason sighed. “Can we not talk about it? I don't really want to think about my young brother having sex, or trying to figure out if he’s the man or the girl.”
Alex continued to smirk. “But it’s so much fun Jason. You should try it sometime I bet you’d love it.”
Jason spluttered trying to come up with a comeback that would stun Alex as much as he was right now. He could not help but feel his blood boil slightly as Alex giggled at his shock and embarrassment. “I’m kidding Jason. I’m kidding. Geeze, lighten up.”
Jason took several deep breaths willing his face to return to its normal shade of green. “That wasn't funny Alex.”
Alex continued to giggle. “Yes it was. The look on your face was hilarious.”
Grumbling back Jason steered them towards the food court, ordering food and sitting down. He watched as Alex unwrapped his sandwich and bit into his hungrily. Looking down at his own food Jason sighed as he remembered what Robert had told him about eating healthier. He knew he should, but that did not make it seem any more appealing to him. Biting into the ham sandwich Jason chewed, noting that it wasn't as bad as he’d expected it to be. After a moment Alex spoke. “Ooooooo.”
Jason looked up. “What?”
He watched as Alex gestured behind him. Turning Jason found that the only thing behind him was a cheetah, walking towards the same restaurant they’d just come from; his fur rippling under the invader Zim t-shirt he wore. “He’s cute.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “If you say so dude. I think she’s cuter.”
Jason gestured behind Alex towards a panda who wore a slim and frilly tank top. It was Alex’s turn to roll his eyes. After a moment they both laughed at each other, each of them taking another bite of their food. After several moments of silence Jason spoke tentatively. “Alex…….can……..can I ask you something………kind of personal?”
Alex looked up from his food and nodded. “Of course Jason. What is it?”
Jason set down his sandwich mentally trying to figure out how to ask his question. “Don’t make fun of me ok. I want an honest answer. I just……….ok this is gunna sound weird and maybe a little……homophobic but……..how can you like men and not women?”
Alex looked at him for a moment before speaking. “What kind of a question is that?”
Jason sighed rubbing his hand against his forehead for a moment. “I don't know I just……help me figure this out. What is it about men that you like, as opposed to women?”
Alex continued to look at him for another moment before speaking. “It’s……..hard to say. I just………”
He drifted off as he thought about Jason's question for a while before speaking again. “I can't really so ‘why’, mostly cause I don't know. But………. Remember when we were kids? Remember when there was a storm, you’d hold me and tell me not to be scared and that everything was ok?”
Jason nodded. Alex shrugged. “It’s kind of like that. I…….I like being held in someone’s arms. I like being told everything is ok, and feeling safe and secure. I just……….I can't really explain it any other way. I just like the feeling of being held by someone who is strong and brave; and feeling secure in their arms.”
Jason took a slow bite of his sandwich thinking about what Alex had said. “Ok……..can I ask another question?”
Alex nodded. “Why Leo? I mean……..ok don't take this the wrong way but……you’re cute. I bet you could go to a bar……..”
Jason's voice trailed off as Alex raised an eyebrow at him. “I’m 19 Jason; I can't go to bars…….legally.”
Jason shrugged. “You know what I mean. I bet you could have just about any gay guy you wanted. What about Leo drew you to him?”
Jason watched as Alex took a bite of his food and then spoke. “Well……he’s kind, funny, and generous and……….and……he doesn’t judge me.”
Jason cocked his head sideways at his brother. “Judge you?”
Alex nodded slowly his posture stiffening slightly. Jason watched as a kind of shudder rolled through Alex’s body, stiffening his posture. “Alex? Are you ok?”
Alex didn’t respond, but seemed to stare off into space. “Alex?”
Alex didn’t respond right away, instead he continued to stare off into space for several moments before speaking; when he did respond his voice had an odd kind of coldness to it that Jason had never heard before. “Leo……saw past the parts of me that were……damaged. He……helped me to see that I…….was still worth being loved.”
Another shuddered ran through Alex, making Jason lean in. “Alex are you ok? What’s wrong?”
He watched as Alex looked at him, his eyes oddly empty. Startled by Alex’s blank expression Jason spoke softly. “Alex……..what do you mean ‘still worth loving’? Please…….you’re scaring me.”
He watched as another shuddered rolled through Alex’s body. He watched startled as Alex began to take deep breaths in and out. Slowly he shifted, leaning forward to touch one of Alex’s hands which was resting on the table. He flinched slightly as he found Alex’s skin was colder than he had expected it to be. For several minutes Alex forced himself to breath inhaling, counting to 3 and then exhaling his breaths. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest and his body burned and itched with the need to get up and move.
He’d had episodes like this before. When he was in therapy with Anthony he would begin to panic, and freak out. He’d start to hyperventilate and shake as he remembered some obscure detail about his abuse that he’d buried years ago but now came to the surface making his stomach churn and writhe making him feel as though he might throw up. But he wasn't in therapy. He forced himself to remember where he was; he wasn't in Anthony’s office with only the purple banded turtle. He was at the mall with his brother, and if he kept going the way he was, he would have a full blown panic attack right here in the food court. He shifted, wrapping his fingers around the edges of the table. In therapy Anthony had shown him how to minimize and avoid having a panic attack.
Step 1 No matter what keep breathing. If he stopped breathing he would pass out, and that was bad because he could hurt himself if he fell.
Step 2 Keep a firm grip on something. In his panic attacks he often felt like he was falling, so if he was able to hold onto something he could at least feel anchored as he worked through his attack.
Step 3 Pick something and focus on it. Alex’s eyes narrowed as he zeroed in on his drink cup, staring at it so intensely that he was dimly surprised it didn’t burst into flames.
Continuing to breath he forced himself to relax until the panic that clawed at his insides vanished as quickly as it had come. He blinked, painfully away that he hadn’t done so at all during his attack. Across from him Jason had a look of confusion and fear on his face. Alex coughed as he tried to speak, his throat dry and scratchy from his breat
hing. Draining his drink Alex groaned and leaned back in his chair before speaking. “Jason……..I….”
But Jason spoke over him, his voice filled with fear and confusion. “What the hell Alex?! What was that? One moment we’re just talking the next moment you go all……all……..I don't even know how to describe it.”
Alex sighed, he really wished this hadn’t have happened. Taking a deep breath he spoke. “That……was a panic attack. I get them every now and then…….Anthony’s been helping me to work through them and also work through their source. But I’m ok now, I promise.”
He watched as Jason stared at him, looking him over carefully. “What……what caused it Alex?”
Alex bit his lip. He wasn't ready to tell Jason. This was not the time and certainly not the proper place to tell his brother about the years of abuse he’d gone through when they had been younger. In the back of his mind he was aware that there probably was never going to be a truly good time or place to tell Jason; but that didn’t change that fact that he was not going to tell Jason while they were eating in the mall food court. Taking another deep breath Alex spoke. “Jason………I know you have questions……..but……..but I’m not ready to tell you the answers yet.”
He watched as Jason frowned at him. “I thought we weren’t going to keep secrets from each other anymore.”
Alex noted the slightly hurt tone Jason was using. He sighed and nodded. “I know……but……but there are some things I’m not ready to tell you yet. I…….I……..I just need time to work through them first. Ok?”
He watched as Jason nodded slowly but continued to look at her cautiously. After a moment he spoke. “Can……can I help in anyway?”
Alex smiled weakly at Jason who smiled weakly back. “No. I have to get through them first. Then I’ll be able to tell you more. Ok?”
Jason nodded but gave Alex’s hand a small squeeze. “Ok. But just remember……I’m here for you Alex. I may not be as smart as Anthony. But I’m here for you.”
Alex smiled and nodded. “Thank you Jason.”
LATER
Alex smiled to himself as he waved goodbye to Jason who pulled away from the curb and quickly vanished from site. Turning towards the house Alex moved inside calling out to le as he pulled off his jacket. “I’M BACK NOW!”
A moment later Leo called to him from the kitchen. “I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.”
Moving into the kitchen Alex took a seat at the counter and watched as Leo turning to face him. Behind Leo a pot of chili bubbled sluggishly. Leo wore a sheepish grin on his face as he spoke. “You have to promise not to get mad or anything. Ok?”
Alex raised an eyebrow while at the same time narrowing his eyes. “Why……what did you do?”
Again Leo smiled sheepishly. “Well……ok I didn’t do it on purpose. I was already talking to Professor Rothin. Do you know him? He teaches AP world science. He’s pretty good to, he…..”
Alex’s eyes narrowed a bit more. Living with Leo these past few months had taught him how to spot when Leo was really nervous about something. “LEO.” Alex’s firm voice cut through Leo’s words making the older turtle stop mid sentence. “What did you do?”
Leo took a deep breath. “Well…….I mentioned I had a student who was looking for a job and………Rothin said he knew of one available at the school……and one thing led to another and………” Alex watched as Leo pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and nervously handed it to Alex. “How would you feel about maybe……working for the school’s radio station?”
Alex raised an eyebrow as he looked over the paper; which had a phone number, address and small map drawn on it. “The school has a radio station?”
Leo nodded nervously. “Yeah…..it’s not very big; I think it only reaches a little bit past the outskirts of the campus but......the twins who run it need help keeping the place clean. I…….I……” Alex watched as Leo swallowed nervously. “Rothin said the job is yours if you want it……..I figured……..” Again Leo trailed off as Alex got up and began to move. “sorry…..I know you wanted to find a job on your own……but this came up and……"
But Leo froze as Alex wrapped his arms around Leo’s shoulders, pulling him into gentle hug. Slowly he shifted, wrapping his own arms around Alex. “You’re not mad?”
Alex didn’t pull away but shook his head against Leo’s chest. “No…..I’m not mad. Thank you Leo.”
Leo sighed with relief, hugging Alex closer to his body. “I love you Alex.”
Alex giggled. “I love you to Leo.”
After a moment they pulled apart. Alex smiled up at Leo who spoke gently. “I’m glad you’re not mad at me.”
Again Alex giggled.
JASON’S POV
Jason groaned as he lay back in his bed. Seeing Alex freak out like that; it had scared him. He’d never seen Alex like that. He leaned back, closing his eyes for a moment before a thought occurred to him. Reaching over to his nightstand Jason groped around searching for the bottle of vitamins Robert had given him and the water bottle he kept on the nightstand. Finding the bottles Jason unscrewed the lid and shook one of the pills into his hand before popping it into his mouth before downing a mouthful of water from a water bottle, swallowing the chalky pill with ease. Leaning back down in his bed Jason had been about to close his eyes again when his cellphone began to ring. Looking down at the small device Jason frowned as he found he did not recognize the number. Clicking the button Jason spoke. “Hello?” a moment later Harmony’s voice spoke to him.
“How you doing stud?”
Jason chuckled. “Not bad. You?”
Harmony chuckled. “I’m ok. Hey……I was wondering if you’d like to hang out sometime. Maybe…..get an ice cream or something?”
Jason raised an eyebrow. “An ice cream? Are we 12 years old?”
Harmony chuckled. “Judging by what we did yesterday, no we’re not 12. But the offer still stands. I’d love to meet up again. Maybe we could chat some more or……..we could have a repeat of last night. I’ll leave the choice up to you.”
Jason was silent for a moment before speaking before speaking. “I’ll be by in a little while and we can go for that ice cream.”
On the other end of the line Harmony chuckled. “I guess we really are 12 years old.”
CHAPTER 3
Looking down at the piece of paper in his hands Alex made sure he was in the right place. In front of him was a large stone building, the brick walls were a dullish brown and the windows looked like they not been cleaned in several years. If he hadn’t known any better he would have guessed the building was completely abandoned, as it was the only sign that the building was in use was the small metal sign next to the front door that red, ‘SCHOOL RADIO STATION’. Taking a deep breath Alex walked up to the door and knocked; wrapping his knuckles against the cold metal door. Waiting for several moments Alex could hear the sounds of someone moving inside the building. As the sounds got louder Alex took a step backwards waiting for the door to swing open. Sure enough the door did swing open, as someone opened it from the inside. Alex felt his eyes widen slightly as he found himself a little stunned. He remembered Leo had said that a pair of twins ran the radio station; but he had not expected those twins to not only be turtle’s as well, but to be conjoined twins. Shaking his head slightly he spoke in a pleasant voice. “Are you…..Ethan and Nathan?”
They nodded at him. “Yes. Are you Alexander?”
Alex nodded doing his best to not stare at the two headed turtle in front of him. He watched as Ethan and Nathan stepped back allowing him inside the building before closing the door behind him. After a moment Nathan spoke. “Welcome to Lairsy College’s radio station. Follow us.”
Falling in line behind them Alex followed Ethan and Nathan through a few empty dirty rooms before emerging into a kind of lounge area. To his right a couch and a few old armchairs had been set up around a table; with a half eaten box of pizza still resting on i. on the other side of the room a poster
board had been set up with several events and dates tacked to the board. As they moved through the room Ethan looked back at him and spoke. “This is the lounge. We hang out and rest here when we get bored. Feel free to use it when you’re done cleaning or as you clean, but try to keep the food off the floor or we get rats.”
Alex shuddered at the thought of rats. Moving through a set of double doors Alex felt his eyes widen as they came into another room. Shelves lined him on either side; each of them stacked as full as they could be with cassette tapes and old vinyl records. Pausing for a moment to look around Alex noted that a fine layer of dust coated the shelves and everything on them. He sped up slightly so he could catch up to Ethan and Nathan who continued on their way, towards a small room off to the side. Coming to a stop in front of the door to the side room Ethan spoke. “This is the command center. See that light?”
As he spoke Ethan gestured to a red light just above the door. Alex nodded, “Yeah.”
Ethan smiled. “When the light is on it means we’re live and broadcasting, so any loud noises you make out here will get sent out through the radio waves.”
Alex smiled and nodded, taking the subtle hint that he would need to be quite while he worked. Slowly looking around the room Alex spoke. “So the job description was kind of vague. What exactly is it that you want me to do?”
Nathan gestured to the shelves around them. “The cassettes don't play well because all the dust gets into the tape. We need you to go through them; throw out ones that are beyond saving, and clean the others.”
Looking around the room Alex spoke the question he’d been wondering since he’d seen all the cassettes. “Why are they cassettes? Why not use CDs or a digital library?”
Ethan and Nathan sighed at the same time, but it was Nathan who spoke first. “Because we have almost no money. We get paid $3 an hour to do this, and we can only broadcast once classes are over and only until 11PM. So that’s only 7 hours, or $21. So we can't afford most CDs. Hell the equipment we’ve been using is almost 20 years old.”
The Lives We Lead (A Student In Need Book 2) Page 3