He wrapped his arms tightly around Alex, pain welling up in his stomach as he saw Alex react to his gift. He hadn’t meant for this to happen. Hadn’t meant to make Alex cry or to bring up the memories of that night, he’d thought Alex would be….
But his thoughts ended as Alex kissed him, a gently sweet kiss that last only a moment before Alex wrapped his own arms around Leo’s shoulders. “I love it. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
Leo pulled back slightly to look at him, tears still trickled down his face but he was smiling. “You……you like it?”
Alex nodded, slowly picking up the silk garment. “I love it.”
Leo bit his lip as he shifted back, allowing Alex to stand up and hold the garment against his body. He’d tried to find a kimono similar to the one Alex had worn on Halloween. It hadn’t been easy, in the end he’d had to custom order one to get the pattern and colors he’d wanted. He watched as Alex looked down, frowning as a small bundle fell from the kimono’s folds. “What’s that?”
Smiling Leo knelt down and picked up the package, slowly unwrapping it his smile growing as he did so. “It’s a flower…….for you.”
Moving forward Leo placed the flower on Alex’s head on the right hand side, making sure the string would keep it in place before stepping back to look at Alex. “Do you want to try it on?”
Alex nodded. “Ok, hold still and let me help you.”
The next several minutes were busy as Leo helped Alex into the kimono, showing him how to fold the fabric so it hugged his body before wrapping the long sash around his hips before tucking in the ends. He watched as Alex slowly spun, looking at his form in the kimono before nervously smiling at Leo, a faint blush spreading over Alex’s face. “S….so…….how do I look?”
Leo smiled, moving into the kiss Alex again. Pulling apart he rested his forehead against Alex’s, smiling at the younger turtle who continued to blush. “Like you’re my little princess, and I’m your big strong warrior.”
A moment later they kissed again.
JASON’S POV
Jason groaned, slowly leaned back in the shower to allow the cold water to rush over his skin. He could tell something was off, something about him was off. Practice had been brutal that day; coach had pushed them all to the point of near exhaustion. And yet while his other teammates had gasped and panted, trying to keep going he’d not felt nearly as tired as he should have. True he did have more endurance then most of his team; but even he had his limits, limits he thought he should have reached during the practice. Then on the drive home he’d started to notice it, the faint heat that clung to his skin, and made him sweat despite the cool night air. The moment he’d gotten home he’d downed a bottle of water thinking it was dehydration, but the heat had continued. He panted finally free from the heat as the cold water flowed over his skin making him shiver slightly.
Shutting off the water with his foot Jason remained sitting on the shower floor for a moment, catching his breath before standing up and drying himself off. Leaving the bathroom Jason didn’t bother to put on clothes, instead heading straight for him room and dropping himself down onto his bed with a low groan. Yes he was tired, but it wasn't the same kind of tired. It wasn't the kind of tired that dragged at his body and made him feel slow and weak; it was the kind of tired that beckoned to him, calling him to come and rest. Groaning he rolled over so he was facing his night stand before reaching out to grab the two bottles that sat on top. Popping another vitamin pill into his mouth Jason swallowed it before putting the bottles back. Hey lay there for a minute longer, almost tempted to close his eyes and go to sleep. But he groaned before sitting up. No, he'd said he needed to talk to Anthony; and he was going to. Pulling on his pants Jason got dressed and was soon out the door, texting Anthony for directions as he went.
CHAPTER 4
Following the directions Anthony gave him Jason pulled up in front of the house. Texting Anthony again Jason waited before shutting off his jeep as Anthony opened the front door and waved to him. Getting out of his car Jason moved to Anthony who smiled. “Hello Jason; I almost thought you might not make it tonight.”
Jason shrugged, following Anthony into his home. “Sorry. I was all hot and sweaty after practice so I ran home and showered.”
Anthony chuckled. “I like guys who are hot a sweaty.”
A second later he clapped his hand to his mouth as his face went red. He glanced back noting the slightly amused look on his face. “Are you flirting with me?”
Anthony’s blush deepened. “S…s…sorry. I tend to get a little……spontaneous when I drink…...sorry.”
Jason chuckled. “It’s ok Anthony. Just promise you’ll wait until after I’m done talking before you try to make out with me.”
Anthony felt his face heat up as they stepped into the living room. Motioning for Jason to sit on the couch Anthony did his best to not look at the red turtle who sank down onto his couch letting out a low groan. “Hey……are you drinking beer?”
Anthony nodded, chancing a glance up at Jason who grinned at him. “Mind if I bum one from you?”
Anthony nodded before moving into the kitchen before opening the fridge and pulling out a cold beer before handing it to Jason who chuckled and popped the bottle open with his hand. As he moved to take a drink Jason spoke. “Look Anthony…..I was just joking before. You don't have to feel so nervous around me.”
Anthony nodded and took a deep breath. This always happened when he drank a little; he somehow lost his calm and could be knocked off ‘balance’ by the most joking of comments. Sitting down in a chair he spoke. “You said you needed to speak with me. Is everything ok?”
He watched as Jason took a drink from his bottle before speaking. “Actually……no. everything is not ok. A few days ago Alex and I went to the mall. While we were eating in the food court he suddenly starts breathing really hard and shaking. He told me he had a panic attack.”
Anthony nodded; he’d wondered if something like this had happened. During Alex’s next session he’d been very evasive about what he and Jason had done and talked about during their visit. Sitting forward Anthony watched as Jason looked up at him. “What caused it? Why did Alex have a panic attack?”
Anthony sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I can't tell you that.”
Jason growled, feeling anger bubble in his stomach. “The hell you can't Anthony.”
But Anthony shook his head, sighing as he did so. “No I can't. It’s against the law.”
Again Jason growled at him. Sighing again Anthony spoke. “Look Jason…….” His voice trailed off as he tried to figure out just how much he could say without breaking any laws, or Alex’s trust. “There are thing………..in Alex past. Things that you don't know about…..” Anthony held up his hand as Jason moved to speak. “And these things……..they cause him pain, even today. The memories are too painful.” Again Anthony held up his hands as Jason moved to speak. “I’m helping him to work past the pain. To not only move beyond it, but to understand why it hurts him in the first place. Until he is ready to tell you about it himself, it would not only be professionally wrong but it would also be morally and ethically wrong for me to tell you about it. These are Alex’s demons, they are his most private and personal thoughts.” Anthony sighed trying to think of a way to put this that would allow Jason to truly understand what he was saying. “Imagine……..imagine if I told your best friend about all the things that scared you. About every bad memory, and every horrible thought you’ve ever had. How would that make you feel?”
Jason was silent for a moment before speaking. “Angry…..betrayed……scared of what they would think.”
Anthony nodded. “Now imagine if I told your brother. Imagine if I told Alex everything you had told me.”
Jason's shoulders slumped forward slightly while his eyes drifted closed as he let out a loud sigh. After several moments he spoke. “Can……can you at least tell me………..did I do this to him? Am I……responsible for this?”
<
br /> Anthony bit his lip, fighting to comfort the obviously upset Jason; while at the same time protect the secrets Alex had entrusted him with. After a moment he spoke. “If I say yes then what happens?”
Jason looked up at him a look of confusion covering his face. “What?”
Anthony repeated himself. “If I say yes, if I tell you that you’re part of Alex’s pain; what happens? Do you get angry? Do you become sad? Will you run to Alex and beg for forgiveness for something that you don't even know about? Or will it just add to the mountain of burdens you’re already carrying?”
Anthony sighed, moving over to the couch to pull Jason into a gentle but comforting one armed hug. “Jason…….I know it’s hard. Believe me I know. I know what it’s like to look at someone you love and know that they are hurting. I know what it’s like to want to help them but not be able to. I know……trust me.” as he spoke he gave Jason's form a gentle squeeze. “If you really want to know I’ll tell you Jason. But you have to be sure; you’re struggling under so much already. Do….do you think you can handle even one more burden?”
Jason looked up at him his face filled with confusion, fear, pain and uncertainty. “I……I don't know.”
Anthony nodded. “Do you want to talk about it?”
After several moments Jason nodded. “I just…….I feel………..please, I’m not good with my words. So just…..just try to understand ok?” Anthony nodded. He was used to patients who fumbled with their words while trying to explain how they felt.
He watched as Jason struggled to speak for several minutes. “I’m just……..” Jason's hands balled into fists his knuckles turning white from how tightly he was squeezing. “I’m PISSED OFF……AT……….EVERYTHING. I…..I……” he stood up, the sudden urge to move filling his body as he began to pace back and forth. “My classes suck. I mean when the fuck am I ever gunna use half the shit they’re trying to teach me?! Football used to make me happy, but now I wanna rip everyone’s head off whenever I hear them laugh or speak. Coach says he might kick me off the team, because I’m not playing well anymore. Alex’s in pain that I can't seemed to be able to help fix. And……and………WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO PISS ME OFF?!”
He bellowed at Anthony who didn’t flinch or act startled by Jason's outburst. Slowly he stood up, moving to touch Jason's shoulder, an action that made Jason snarl and take a step backwards. “WHY……WHY…….WHY IS THE ONLY EMOTION I CAN EXPRESS ANGER?!”
He backed away from Anthony until his shell hit the wall. Against his will he whimpered as Anthony touched his shoulder. The touch was gentle and caring….not something he was used to. “Jason…..look at me.”
He didn’t want to. He wanted to rage and scream and break something. He wanted to grab something and smash it into a billion pieces. Yet his body moved on its own, slowly tilting his head up to look at Anthony. “Take a deep breath.” He did as he was told, inhaling air until his lungs twinged with pain. “Now exhale.” He let his breath go, feeling the air leave his body. Slowly he sank down, his shell running along the wall until he was sitting. He wasn't used to this, feeling this way, feeling……helpless. Slowly Anthony moved kneeling down to sit on the floor next to him. “Now Jason…….I want you to try and keep calm ok?” Jason nodded. “I’ll…..try.” Anthony smiled at him. “Good. Now I want you to tell me, at this EXACT moment; what are you feeling?” Jason took a deep breath. “I’m….scared, confused, angry, in pain and……kind of hot.”
It was true, when he’d started yelling the room had felt like it had jumped several degrees hotter. As he spoke he felt small beads of sweat appear on his skin. Anthony nodded. “Ok. Now I want to tell me. Why do you feel scared?”
Jason took another deep breathe. “Because…..because if I screw up or make a mistake then Alex might not be able to finish school.” Anthony watched as Jason looked at him, fear clearly evident in the larger turtle’s eyes. “He…….he’s so smart Anthony. He needs this; he needs to go to school so he can get a great job that pays him a lot. I……I know I don't have much of a chance here. I don't expect to get a great job but…….but HE needs this.”
Anthony nodded, during one of their sessions Anthony had gotten Alex to take several intelligence tests, under the guise of them being psychological aptitude quizzes; as he had suspected Alex scored a nearly perfect percent, a sign that Alex was a lot smarter than most people knew. “What makes you think you’ll mess up?”
Jason groaned. “Because I hate my teammates. Because I wanna rip their heads off and beat them to death for hurting my brother, and then lying to my face.”
Anthony sighed. “Understandable. Now, tell me why you’re confused. Remember to breathe.”
Jason nodded and took several more breathes before speaking. “I’m confused because I don't know what’s going on. Alex and I never used to keep secrets. Well…….ok yeah we had secrets but never anything big. Never anything that put us in danger. But now I find out he’s been keeping lots of secrets from me. He’s gay, he got attacked, the things from his past. I…..I just……I don't understand how he could keep those things from me.”
Anthony sighed and shifted, reaching out to touch Jason's hand. “He did it to protect you.”
Jason looked at him. “What?”
Anthony nodded; he could talk about this and not betray Alex or his code of ethics. “Jason you must understand. Just as you’re Alex’s Protector Alex feels the need to protect you from problems he feels would interfere with your own goals. He’s as much your protector as you are his.” Jason sighed, leaning his forehead against his knees. That did sound like something Alex would do. Anthony continued, “We already talked about why you’re angry, so let’s go into the pain. How are you in pain?”
Jason sighed again. “I……lately I’ve been getting headaches. I don't know what’s causing them but they can get pretty bad. I only started getting them after thanksgiving.”
Anthony moved in a little closer. “Are you drinking enough water?” Jason nodded; dehydration had been the first thing he’d ruled out. “Are you eating anything new?”
Jason shrugged. “During my physical the doctors said I needed to try and eat healthier; so I’ve been trying. Oh and he gave me some vitamin pills to take every day.”
Anthony nodded slowly and was silent for a moment before speaking. “Jason, I’m not a physical doctor by any means but……I think your headaches are being caused by stress. It sounds like every day you stretch your mind almost to its breaking point with everything that is going on, and these headaches is your body’s way of telling you to stop.”
Jason sighed. “Well then I’m fucked. I can't quite the football team until after the season is over.”
Anthony shook his head. “Well eating healthier will help a bit. But I would recommend that once or twice a week you take a nice hot back and just relax.”
Jason stared at him for a moment. “That may work for you and Leo, but not for me.”
Anthony raised an eyebrow. “Being gay has nothing to do with it. The heat will relax your muscles and the calm will let your mind clear. Just try it next time you get a headache.”
Jason rolled his eyes, but nodded. “Fine.”
Anthony smiled. “Look Jason, I get it. Your situation sucks. But it doesn’t have to crush you. Just focus on football, do as well as you can so that when other schools hear that you’re looking to transfer they’ll beg you to come to them instead.”
Again Jason sighed but nodded. “Ok Anthony.”
Slowly they got to their feet, Jason moving back to the couch while Anthony returned to his chair. Dropping himself onto the couch Jason took another drink from his beer before speaking. “I…….I’m seeing someone.”
He felt his face go a little red as he spoke. Anthony smiled. “That’s great. Tell me about her.”
Again Jason felt his face go a bit red. In truth he didn’t know a whole lot about Harmony. “Well…… her name is Harmony, she goes to our school. Her father is a bit of an uptig
ht asshole, she’s trying to earn a bachelor’s degree in political science, and……….”
Jason's voice trailed off; there wasn't much else he could tell Anthony about Harmony without it elating to sex somehow. But Anthony seemed to know what Jason was thinking when he spoke next. “I take it, that it’s mostly a physical relationship?”
Jason swallowed another mouthful of beer before nodded. Across from his Anthony shrugged. “That’s your business Jason. I won’t lie and say that mindless sex is bad; sometimes it’s just what a person needs.”
This time it was Jason who raised an eyebrow. “Have you ever had a relationship like that?”
He wasn't sure what made him ask it, but something in the back of his mind made him doubt that Anthony was capable of such a ‘shallow’ connection to another person. Yet Anthony nodded. “I’ve had a few like that. They can be nice; there are no expectations or pressure, just mindless fun. But I don't actively seek out guys for that kind of stuff. I want something stable and happy.”
Jason was silent for a moment before speaking. As he spoke he shifted a bit nervously, he really wasn't sure why he was asking this. “So……so……..like………can you explain it to me?”
Anthony looked at him a little confused. “Explain what?”
Jason sighed and took another sip of beer, noting that his stomach gave a small lurch as he did so. “Well…….I……how does being with another guy go?”
Anthony raised an eyebrow as a faint smirk spread across his face. “Jason are you asking about se-”
“NO, NO, NO!” Jason's voice echoed off the walls as he frantically waved his hands to stop Anthony from finishing his sentence. “NO, I’M NOT ASKING ABOUT SEX! I CAN…….”
He forced himself to take a deep breath, his heart was pounding a bit harder then he would have liked to admit. “I can figure out how sex works but…..I mean……..how can you be with another guy? I mean……..how do you decide who does stuff? Who cooks, cleans, works? I just….”
The Lives We Lead (A Student In Need Book 2) Page 5