“Open your eyes and see what’s going on here. Because this is either going to end up being the best thing that ever happened to him or the worst thing that ever happened to him and either way, he’s going to need you.” I could hear Alex crack open another can of beer.
I waited to make sure their conversation was over and I tiptoed back to my room.
“Where were you?” Rusty asked, standing in one of Sam’s old swimsuits that had been mixed in with mine in the drawer.
“Can you take that off? That was Sam’s.”
“Yeah. Sorry,” he apologized, quickly dropping the shorts to the floor. “Are you mad?”
“About what?”
“The swimsuit,” Rusty asked, holding it up.
“No,” I said, grabbing it and tossing it to the floor. Rusty was completely nude standing in the middle of my bedroom and something about it seemed so wrong and so right at the same time, that I couldn’t help myself and I walked over and kissed him. “I feel like I’m breaking the rules.”
“We don’t have any rules,” he reminded me as he began kissing me back.
“My mom has rules,” I said, squeezing his butt as I walked out of the door. “Grab another pair of trunks and hurry up. They’ll start wondering why we’re taking so long.”
I walked downstairs and out onto the patio. Mom and Alex were sitting on our outside couches, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. “You guys look like you should be in high school and we should be the parents.”
“Very funny,” Mom said. “Come here for a minute, Danny.”
I walked back up to her as the reflection of the pool lights danced off the side of the house.
“You really like him, don’t you?”.
I nodded.
She stared at me in silence for a long time, squinting her eyes, like she was looking for something she couldn’t see. “OK. Then I like him too.” And she smiled.
I turned and started walking to the pool as Rusty ran past me and jumped in, yelling “Cannonball” right before he splashed water everywhere.
The warm water rippled around us, and we swayed with its rhythm. “I wish I could kiss you right now,” Rusty whispered.
“Why don’t you then?”
“I’m not going to kiss you like that in front of your mom and Alex.”
“OK,” I said and I dove under the water, pulling his legs out from underneath him. We wrestled in the water and hit each other with the giant noodles floating in the pool until Mom called us and told us the pizza had come.
Once she and Alex had walked inside, Rusty rushed over and kissed me, slicking my hair back out of my face. “I had a great time with you today.”
“Me too,” I said.
“And I’m super stoked I get to stay over.”
“Me too.”
We kissed until I looked over Rusty’s shoulder and saw Alex standing at the top of the hill by the door, motioning for us to come inside.
After we ate, Mom and Alex went back outside and we decided to watch a movie in the living room.
“Do you want to watch something scary?” I asked, hoping Rusty liked scary movies as much as I did.
“Yeah, I love horror movies,” he said as I turned off the lights and stretched out on the couch next to him.
When mom came inside to go bed, she looked at us snuggled together on the couch, but didn’t say anything. She walked over and kissed my cheek, “Love you Danny.” As she walked away, she said, “Night Rusty,” and patted his head.
Alex sat outside on the patio and read while we watched the movie. When it was over, he walked inside and reminded us that we were to sleep in separate bedrooms. He gently reminded us, “If you were straight, Rusty probably wouldn’t even be allowed to sleep over here, so be cool.”
I agreed and showed Rusty to the guest bedroom on the main floor next to Mom’s bedroom. Alex turned the lights off behind me to make sure I didn’t linger downstairs.
“It’s not like we have to be together all of the time. We don’t need a babysitter,” I said.
“Uh huh,” Alex prodded as he laughed, “Just keep on moving.”. He said his goodnights when we got to my room and I heard him walk into his room and close the door.
Rusty and I texted back and forth for the next hour and it was strange imagining him one floor below me. Finally, I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 2, so I said goodnight and put the phone on my nightstand.
I fell asleep quickly and woke up just as quickly, thinking it was morning but noticed it was still dark outside. I was so comfortable I didn’t even realize, until I looked at the clock and saw that it was after four, that Rusty had snuck into my room and was asleep in his boxers, holding me tightly from behind. His hair hung over one eye and he was sleeping so soundly that I didn’t want to wake him up, but I knew if we were caught sleeping in the same room, Mom would never let him stay over again.
“Rusty,” I whispered. He stirred, but didn’t wake up. “Rusty,” I whispered again, shaking him lightly. His eyes opened slowly and he yawned, breathing his sweet breath into my face. Sleeping with Rusty was starting to become one of my favorite things. He smiled and wiped his eye.
“Hi,” he sleepily answered.
“Hi,” I said, smiling in the darkness.
“I thought I would surprise you.”
“You did.”
“But you think I should go, right?” he asked.
“Yeah, I don’t want to get us into trouble. My mom is being really cool.”
“I know. I just wanted to sleep next to you again,” he yawned. “What is it about sleeping next to someone that feels so close and personal?”
I thought about Mom and Alex’s conversation I had overheard earlier in the night. “Rusty?”
“Yeah,” he whispered.
Our voices were hidden in the secret recesses between the whir of the fan and the stillness of the late night. We were so close.
“Can I tell you something?” I asked.
“Anything.”
I could feel his chest move up and down as he breathed in and out; his lips touching my lips, his nose touching my nose. We were so close.
“I love you,” I said.
I could feel his lips moving on top of mine even before he spoke. “I love you too, Danny.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Rusty left my room right before six, as I held the door open for him so he could sneak out quietly. I took a shower and got ready for school, again wearing my Levi’s rolled up to my calves and the black t-shirt I had worn the first day we had hung out, trying to look cute for him.
Downstairs, Mom, Rusty and Alex were sitting at the kitchen table eating cinnamon rolls and whispering. “Good morning, Danny,” Mom said. By the way she looked at me, I felt like she knew Rusty had stayed in my room, even though we hadn’t been caught. “Come get a cinnamon roll before we head to school.”
“What are you guys whispering about?” I asked.
Rusty smiled. “I’m planning a surprise for you.”
“We’re planning a surprise for you, but it was Rusty’s idea,” Mom said.
“What is it?”
“If we tell you then it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?” Mom said as she tipped the sailboat coffee mug to her lips.
We sat around the table and made jokes while we ate. For the first time since Sam was gone, it felt like we were a real family, our strange combination of misfits: Mom, son, son’s boyfriend and Mom’s gay best friend. It suddenly made me miss Dad.
Mom followed us to school in her car. When we got there, she explained that she wanted us to let her talk to the Dean first and then if he had any questions, she would have us come in to the meeting. School hadn’t started yet and students were still piling in from the parking lot and getting off of the busses.
We walked into the Dean’s office and Mom explained that she needed to talk to him, detailing how she was involved with the incident. She motioned for me and Rusty to sit and wait for her.
She was finally called into his office and she turned to me and smiled. “I’ll take care of this, buddy.” She had never called me that before.
To the kids walking by, seeing us sitting there, it probably looked like we were in trouble and in some way, that’s how it felt. I could tell Rusty was nervous.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “She’ll handle it.” He smiled, but I could tell he wasn’t sure.
For the first few minutes, I could only make out the sound of muffled voices on the other side of the Dean’s office door, but the voices grew louder and within a few minutes, the rage coming from my mother behind that door was unbelievable. The alarm in her voice spread through the outer office and into the hallway.
“Do you mean to tell me you’re just going to let this kid get away with this?” she shouted. “And my son has to continue to come to school every day, afraid for his life?”
Kids in the hallway started to stop at the outer door to see what was happening.
“Calm down Mrs. Goldstein,” I heard the Dean say.
“Do not tell me to calm down!” Mom belted. “I’ve already lost one son and I refuse to lose another. Do you understand me?”
The secretary stood up and closed the outer office door to the hallway, nervously smiling at me and Rusty.
“Yes, but there is no protocol…” the Dean continued.
“Fuck your protocol!” Mom continued. Rusty looked over at me and smiled. The secretary raised her hand to her mouth and shook her head. “Now you listen to me. You are going to lift any suspension and punishment against Rusty Gonzalez. He will not be attending anger management classes and he will not miss one day of school. That boy has been through enough already and needs to be there for his family.” Rusty looked down at the ground as Mom continued. “And if my son has one more altercation with anyone in this school that goes unreported or is not dealt with as a matter of life or death, when kids are killing themselves all over this country because of bullying, I will be contacting the Indiana Civil Liberties Union, The Huffington Post, CNN and Ellen fucking Degeneres. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”
The was a long silence before I heard the small voice of the Dean respond, “Yes, Mrs. Goldstein. I think you’ve made yourself perfectly clear.”
The door swung open and Mom stood there in a black Social Distortion t-shirt and black leggings with heels. She looked like some badass teenager turned adult assassin, turning to crack her neck before slowly and very calmly, putting on her Chanel sunglasses.
“I think Angst Alice is back,” she said, turning to me and Rusty. “Let’s go boys. You need to get to class.”
We walked out and Mom said goodbye, kissing both of us as if Rusty was her son too. “Call me if you have any problems.”
Rusty looked at me and smiled. “Your mom is really cool.”
“Sometimes.”
“I need to get to class.” he said, reaching over and kissing me in the middle of the hallway as other students walked around us. But no one said anything. “See you at lunch?”
“Definitely. I’ll wait for you by my locker.” I reached up and lightly touched the bruise under his eye.
He nodded and kissed me one more time before walking away.
When I got to my first class, Cher was waiting for me. She had deserted the black, mourning outfit for a red swing dress, red lip stick and her hair rolled back. She looked like the queen of Rockabilly Nation.
“Dude! What happened? Everyone’s talking about how your mom totally went off on the Dean.” I told her what had happened and she laughed, thumping her desk with her fist as she replied, “I wish I had seen it. That shit never happens when I’m around.”
I pointed to her outfit. “You look pretty. But I thought you were in mourning.”
She looked from shoulder to shoulder and then shook her head. “I’m over all of that. I’m recreating myself.”
The rest of the day was non-eventful. Rusty and I got a lot of attention as we held hands walking down the hallway, but nobody dared to say anything out of line. At lunch, several popular girls even came up to the table to tell us how adorable we were. Cher rolled her eyes and told them that she had claimed me first and they needed to go find their own gay best friend. Rusty laughed but I thought it was interesting how straight girls always wanted to be friends with gay guys.
“Would you like me if I wasn’t gay?” I asked her.
“Yeah, that’s a stupid question,” Cher said, sounding offended.
“No, I mean, would you still be my friend if I was straight?”
Cher looked at me confused. “That’s not a fair question.”
“Yes it is. You always talk about me as your gay friend, like that’s what’s most important to you.”
“Is that what you think? You think I just want to be your friend because you’re gay? Cher asked with shock on her face.
“I don’t know,” I replied sheepishly.
Cher pushed her tray in front of her and stood up. “Fuck you Danny.” She yanked her bag from the table and took a few steps backwards, never cutting eye contact with me as tears rolled down her face. “That is the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.” She paused, shaking her head and holding the rest of her words inside before she stumbled off into the courtyard.
I looked over at Rusty, “Was that mean?”
His dark eyes were piercing mine as he took a bite from his Granny Smith Apple, “I’m so confused about what just happened.”
We finished our lunch and Rusty said goodbye as I headed to Government. When I sat down next to Cher, she turned the other way.
“I’m sorry. Seriously,” I pleaded, but she wouldn’t look at me.
We were watching Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, which I had seen with my Dad about fifty times. I was starting to think that Creston High School didn’t actually teach classes, they just showed movies.
Halfway through the class, Cher handed me a note, folded tightly into an origami crane. “I could never be mad at you, but that did hurt my feelings. I’ll explain later. Love, The Fabulous Cher”
I smiled and tried to catch her attention, but she was busy in her purse, reapplying lipstick and checking her hair. It sometimes felt like Cher was in her own world and she didn’t really care or even realize, what was going on around her.
After class, she gave me a hug and acted like nothing was wrong. “What are you talking about?” she asked. “I told you I couldn’t be mad at you.” This was a new, detached, artificially sweetened version of Cher I had never seen before. “I have to go. Have fun with Rusty and call me later if you get a chance.”
On our way home, Rusty explained that we needed to go back to my house. “For the surprise,” he smirked.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I can’t tell you or it wouldn’t be a surprise.”
“How about a hint?” I begged.
“No hints. Just play fair.”
I didn’t like surprises. In fact, on several of our combined surprise birthday parties, I had become so sick that Mom had to take me home while Sam stayed and enjoyed the party for both of us. I was starting to feel the same way but didn’t want to ruin Rusty’s excitement.
Once we got home, I pulled in and saw Mom and Alex standing in the driveway. Rusty leaned over and kissed me, “See you in a little bit.” Uncle Alex walked over and hugged him and then Alex got into the car, while Rusty and Mom got into her car.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret,” Alex said. “A good one.”
“Give me a hint.”
“If I gave you a hint, that would suggest that I wanted you to guess and figure out what it is, which I don’t.” He motioned for me to take off. “Just let Rusty do something nice for you. Now take me to Starbucks. I need some coffee.”
When we got to Starbucks, Alex ordered a Venti iced coffee with two equals and I ordered a Cake Batter Frappuccino, a Starbucks “secret menu” drink Sam had found on the internet years before
.
We took our drinks to a table outside and sat down. Alex told me about his newest book, outlining the characters and telling me what had driven his idea.
“What gave you the idea for Suburban Wasteland?” I asked. Although I had read the book several times, we had never actually talked about it.
Alex sat back and put his feet up on the wrought iron, metal table. “That’s a loaded question.”
“Why?”
“Because not many people really know the true story behind the book,” he said, staring intently at me.
“Will you tell me?” I peeled the lid off of my Frappuccino.
He closed his eyes and took a sip of his coffee. “Sure, why not.”
And then he told me the real story behind Suburban Wasteland. He explained that he had a tough time growing up as a gay teenager who didn’t know anybody else who was gay. “All of my friends were girls. We were all total freaks, some of us with shaved heads while other’s had blue hair. We believed in freedom and rebellion against anything normal, but inside, I was just dying to be normal. I just wanted to fall in love like everyone else in high school, go to prom and live happily ever after.”
I laughed. I couldn’t imagine Alex wanting a life so mundane for himself. “Seriously?”
“Seriously,” Alex said. “ I just wanted to have the house with the picket fence and the husband to come home to at the end of the day. I don’t think I was even conscious at that time of using the word husband, so I probably just thought it would be nice to have a boyfriend. Anyone.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“I met him. I found the guy I had always dreamed of meeting, perfect in every way.” He took another sip of his coffee. “He had these gorgeous blue eyes and this amazing pale skin. That whole summer before I left for IU, we’d meet at Denny’s to drink coffee and talk about politics, books, music…everything. We’d walk home and smoke cigarettes and make up dreams together about how our lives were going to be once we left this town and got away. We decided instead of going to college, we’d run away to San Francisco where we could live openly and be ourselves.”
The Before Now and After Then Page 14