Naughty Secrets

by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd

  A twenty-six-year-old woman wrote:

  Although I have had great sex with my boyfriend of eighteen months, I’d have to say the best sex was with someone I’d been wanting for a long time.

  In my senior year of college—before I even knew what an orgasm was—I’d been having an ongoing flirtation with a guy. He was adorable—dimples, perfect smile, broad shoulders, great body, funny—and he made no move to hide the fact that he was attracted to me also. Finally, about a week before I graduated, we had sex—crazy, I’ve-been-wanting-you-forever sex. No orgasm for me—like I said, I didn’t know how to yet—but damn, it was good.

  I have spoken with him a few times since, but I never did anything else with him. I think that’s part of the attraction: a long-awaited consummated flirtation, never to be repeated. Makes it kind of sacred.

  A thirty-six-year-old woman wrote:

  The best sex I ever had was a couple of years after we were married. One night out of the blue, as we finished the dinner dishes and in what seemed like slow motion, my husband came up behind me, gently pressed his front onto my back and pushed me up against the kitchen counter. One arm slid around my waist while the other reached out with my hand to turn the light off. Our fingers entwined and he wrapped them around my waist, too.

  He softly and gently kissed my neck and shoulders until my knees got weak and my skin was warm and tingly. Then he slowly turned me around and moved his kisses to my mouth. He lifted me onto the counter, unbuttoned my sweater, and un-hooked my bra (do guys go to school to learn how to do that one-handed in a second?). Sweet warm kisses landed on my nipples with that little bite he does to make my back arch.

  He scooped me up and settled me on the gliding rocker in the nearby family room. Sliding my pants and panties off in one swift motion, he started to kiss and suck my toes, quickly working his way up my legs until he was between my thighs. I was aching for him to touch my clit and when he did I came right away. He entered me and, after a few kisses, I came again. The gliding motion from the chair was nice for him too. Eventually we wore out that chair but we just could not find another spot like it.

  A twenty-three-year-old woman wrote:

  One night when I got off work at about one in the morning I walked in to find my house lit just with candles. My favorite cocktail was sitting on the table next to a pretty nightie and a note that said, “Put this on.” I collapsed on the couch totally tired and not really in the mood for loving. I was sad to be disappointing him, but then his hands slid over my shoulders with the cool sensation of gardenia-scented lotion. I love gardenias.

  He didn’t say anything but continued to massage me until I was about to doze. Eventually I found myself on the floor on my favorite mink blanket. I hadn’t even noticed how wet I had become but he sure did and worshiped me with his tongue until I couldn’t take any more. We spent the rest of the night reaching one peak after the next and woke up cuddled together on the floor, wonderfully exhausted.

  WHAT WAS THE WORST SEX YOU EVER HAD?

  The best answer I got was from a fifty-six-year-old woman. She wrote:

  I cannot conceive of it ever being bad.

  Bravo for her! Most of us, however, have had unfortunate experiences. Many of those who answered mentioned a time when one or the other wasn’t in the mood. Making love when it’s just not right at that moment is a drag.

  Quickies also rank up there. What’s a quickie? Sex that doesn’t last long enough to satisfy one partner or the other. Leaving someone “hanging” is really poor.

  For me, I have two, both during the one-night-stand period between my divorce and my relationship with Ed.

  The first was with the professor of a weekend course I took. We ended up in a hotel room and it was really quick. I don’t remember the sex part but what I do remember is that he never took off his undershirt or his socks. Why the socks remained I don’t know, but he told me that he loved to embarrass his cleaning lady with the semen stains on his T-shirt. Needless to say, he told me this afterward. Had I known what a jerk he was I wouldn’t have… Actually I probably would have, since in those days, I was keeping count of how many men wanted to go to bed with me. After my divorce, with my self-esteem at a low point, it seemed important that men find me attractive enough for sex.

  During that period I spent an evening with another man who told me in pretty graphic terms that he was “well hung.” I guess he thought I’d get a thrill out of his oversize equipment. Unfortunately he thought his size made up for a lack of foreplay. I was still dry, and his oversize penis never really fit. Suffice it to say, I ended up at my gynecologist’s office, abraded and very sore. Since this was before AIDS and I was on the pill we had not used a condom, so the doctor gave me a shot of penicillin for good measure.

  I have to relate one other story. I was in college and my then-boyfriend and his best friend were both members of the ROTC. They went off for six weeks of summer training and both my soon-tobe hubby and his friend were super horny when they returned. The friend and his girl, having no place to make love, ended up in the woods, doing it on the grass. They found out afterward that they had been lying in a patch of poison ivy. We all laughed about it later— much later. They said they didn’t know which was worse, the terrible itchy rash or trying to explain to their parents how they got it.

  Here are some of the “worst times” sent in by the respondents to my survey.

  A twenty-three-year-old woman wrote:

  I had a really lame one-nighter with a guy three years younger than I was. We fumbled and messed it all up—it was a total joke. He came in about five seconds and I wasn’t excited at all. To this day I don’t know why I was even there in the first place. I was really confused about who I was but that’s no real excuse. I think even today he would still suck!!!

  A twenty-seven-year-old woman wrote:

  I should have known that he was just an incredibly selfish lover because he was a bad kisser. He climbed on before I was even remotely close to ready, and didn’t really care whether I was turned on at all. He barked out orders assuming I wanted only to please him. First and last time with him.

  A thirty-two-year-old woman wrote:

  The first guy I ever had intercourse with was the worst. I was eighteen and the guy was twenty-six. He was very selfish! At the time I had no idea how bad a lover he was… now I do and I feel sorry for him! I never climaxed when I was with him. He was a Slam, Bam, Thank You Ma’am kind of guy. As long as he got off he couldn’t care less how I felt. There was no real foreplay, nothing to make it fun for me! The saddest thing about the entire experience was that I thought it was normal. I thought all the things I’d read and heard were fairy tales. Fortunately I’ve learned otherwise since.

  A thirty-four-year-old woman wrote:

  I’m almost six feet tall, overweight, with large breasts and a sizable ass but I don’t mind it at all. It’s who I am and that’s that.

  I had a one-night stand several years ago with a guy I had talked to frequently but only dated once. After we made love— no, fucked would be a better term—he said that he had never been with a big woman before and was just experimenting. He made it clear that sex was very different with a larger woman and his tone said clearly that he didn’t like it. To hell with him!

  Fortunately for me, lots of men disagree—most don’t care what size I am, just how good a lover I am, and that’s fine with me.

  A thirty-eight-year-old woman wrote:

  I remember the one time a guy tried anal sex. It was painful, even with lubricant. I was totally unsatisfied, and felt violated and used.

  A forty-one-year-old woman wrote:

  The worst is when I accommodate my husband but can’t get myself in the mood.

  If you’re not in the mood, don’t do it. If you do have intercourse, you will end up resenting it and him, gritting your teeth and letting him do what you feel he has to do. Hogwash! That makes the entire experience so negative that afterward you vow sex won’t happen again for a wh
ile. And it doesn’t. Been there, done that!

  Maybe it’s time you suggested that a bit more foreplay or a bit less frequency might make it better for both of you. Try to think of things that might make it all more fun—a bit of alcohol to relax you both, then some teasing, dirty talking, toys, games, fantasies. All can turn the tide. If you lighten up and play a bit, each time becomes easier and more fun. Here’s a letter that illustrates the man’s point of view.

  A forty-one-year-old man wrote:

  Bad sex is whenever the woman is just doing it just for me and going through the motions. I’d rather just jerk off. If she’s not enjoying it the way I am it turns me off.

  A forty-two-year-old woman wrote:

  One time I had intercourse with a guy who was very rough. I told him to slow down but he didn’t seem to hear me or maybe he just didn’t care. Needless to say that was the first and last time we ever slept together. Oh, and can you believe that when I said no, he wanted to know why? So I told him. I hope his next lady benefited.

  A forty-three-year-old woman wrote:

  I was offered a ride home by a person whom I thought was a friend. He pulled over on the side of the road and ordered me to suck his cock or I could get out and walk. I had never performed oral sex so I walked home. It was several miles but I’ll tell you, it didn’t feel bad at all.

  A fifty-one-year-old woman wrote:

  A few years ago I was separated from a guy I had had a very serious relationship with. In attempting to get over my feelings for him, I began seeing someone else. I liked the other man and we’d been friends for a while. Eventually we decided to have sex. I wasn’t in love with him and since being in love with a guy is important to me, the sex was not particularly enjoyable. What made it worse was that he worked so hard to make it good for me. I pretended to enjoy myself but I’m sure he knew. We ruined a good friendship.

  A twenty-five-year-old woman wrote:

  In an effort to have a romantic evening, my boyfriend and I did it in the park. It would have been nice but we were on an incline and we kept rolling to one side. There were stones and sticks under my back, and it was too cold. It seemed like it would be so romantic but everything about it was just wrong. Actually, we’ve laughed about it since so maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

  A thirty-year-old man wrote:

  I once had sex with a new girl after a great meal and movie. She projected the image of being the perfect sex partner and I thought things were going to be fabulous. The problem was that I didn’t come. The “perfect sex partner” couldn’t make me come.

  A thirty-one-year-old man wrote:

  The worst sex for me is really a tie.

  Once I was with a woman who barely moved and sent that message that says, “I’m letting you do this.” That was lame. I had sex with her a second time to test the waters. Nothing was different, so I ran.

  The other time was really worse. I was drunk at a party with an equally drunk young actress. After lots of fooling around, teasing and playing, I fucked her. My judgment was impaired, and she was too drunk to be put in that situation. We had unsafe sex and I felt incredibly guilty about contributing to her burgeoning reputation as a slut.

  A thirty-two-year-old man wrote:

  The first time I had intercourse was the worst by far. It was bad because I really didn’t care anything for the girl I was with, so it was pretty empty feeling. The only redeeming thing about it was the fact that we did it in front of two other couples, and I found that very exciting. With the main event lasting about two minutes, I’m sure it was the worst sexual experience for the girl as well.

  A thirty-six-year-old man wrote:

  Unhappily the worst sex I have is with my wife. She doesn’t want to try anything, doesn’t like oral or even touching my genitals.

  A forty-eight-year-old man wrote:

  Sadly, my current lover is probably the worst. She will not talk about sex in any form, not our sex life or sex in general. We have straight missionary sex, and not very much fooling around before or afterward. She has nice boobies, which I love to play with, but she doesn’t like me to touch her. All in all, sex with her is pretty off-putting, due to her attitude about it. Other than the sex, she is a lot of fun, and we have good times together, but the sex sure does detract from our relationship, at least from my perspective.

  There may be more going on in these relationships than we know: a power struggle, outside-the-bedroom issues, and so forth. There are, however, ways of tempting a woman to become more experimental. Making love in the shower, playing with chocolate sauce or maple syrup, reading sexy stories—all can help, but it takes work and cooperation. It’s really sad that these two men can’t establish better relationships.

  A thirty-nine-year-old man wrote:

  I met this girl when I was about fifteen and she was twenty-three. She teased me and used me for her pleasure and wouldn’t return the gratification. I had the worst case of blue balls ever.

  A forty-year-old man wrote:

  The worst was at a massage parlor. I had gone there for a real massage and found it to be a hand-job place. Yuck.

  A forty-five-year-old man wrote:

  My first time was the worst. I was so excited that I came as soon as I entered her.

  A sixty-nine-year-old man wrote:

  The worst was my very first love affair in my late teens, when I was unable to control my ejaculation and was scorned by the girl. She told all my friends about it, too.

  A seventy-seven-year-old man wrote:

  The worst sex I ever had was with my first wife. I had just gotten out of the army at the end of World War II and we were living with her parents. Her father, who thought that all sex was fornication (her mother must have raped him in order to conceive), made it difficult for us to have intercourse in the house. My wife could get quite vocal during the act.

  We had found a spot in a cemetery where we could go when we wanted to have intercourse. One night, when we were both “in heat,” we headed for the cemetery but as luck would have it, it started to rain. We ended up doing it in the car, a 1935 Chevy coupe. Between fighting the gear-shift lever and the close quarters, it was a disaster.

  A seventy-eight-year-old man wrote:

  The worst was when our kids were teenagers and were prone to barge in or knock. This kept my wife and me on edge, and we seldom orgasmed that way.

  Hint: Get a hook-and-eye lock for the bedroom door and use it every night, whether you intend to make love or not. And tell your kids that you want, and need, private time so unless the world is ending, leave you alone.

  A thirty-year-old woman wrote:

  After my ex-husband and I separated, we still had sex. It wasn’t good at all because I realized that I no longer had feelings for him. It was just awful.

  A fifty-one-year-old man wrote:

  The worst I can remember was my first time. I was a skinny, gawky virgin who had been a nobody in high school so I joined the marine corps on my eighteenth birthday. Although my body was transformed in marine corps recruit training, a year later I was still a virgin.

  I went to a party with some marine corps buddies and there was a whore there. We were both drunk and I accidentally admitted to her that I was still a virgin. She thought it was very funny and said that I was not going to leave the party a virgin. She fucked me there for free. It was terrible. I came fast and she laughed.

  A sixty-two-year-old man wrote:

  I had sex with a hooker in Hong Kong many, many years ago. What made it so bad? She had no interest, could not even fake it.

  WHAT IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE MAKING LOVE?

  I have to relate a story told to me by a friend many years ago. When she was four or five she had a glow-in-the-dark picture of the Virgin Mary beside her bed. One evening she decided that her parents needed a visitation so she turned on her bedside light and held the picture over it until it glowed brightly, then she tiptoed into her parents’ room. I’m sure you’v
e already guessed what they were doing. That was probably their most embarrassing moment.

  For my writers, there were a few common threads. Farts, both rectal and vaginal, ranked at the top of the list.

  Close seconds were premature ejaculation and impotence.

  A seventy-seven-year-old man wrote:

  My most embarrassing sexual experience happened on my honeymoon with my first wife. On our honeymoon night, I was so anxious that I ejaculated as soon as I had penetrated her. Talk about premature ejaculation! I was so embarrassed! We did make up for it later that night but I’ll never forget that disastrous first time for us.

  A thirty-one-year-old man wrote: