by Hamel, B. B.
“I love this idea. I think we have a real shot at winning.”
I looked back at him, confused. I had assumed he was about to bring up his absence, but instead he was grinning at me. Part of me was pissed that he wasn’t explaining himself, but he didn’t owe me anything, and I couldn’t force him to say the things that I wanted. It had to be enough that he wanted to work with me again.
“Yeah? I figured you might like it.”
“Miss H will be the perfect subject for a documentary.”
I nodded. When I was on the Facebook page earlier, it hit me like a truck. Miss Havisham was one of the strangest, most interesting people I had ever met, and I knew her story would be fantastic. I wasn’t sure how I’d go about it, but I knew for sure that Noah would be interested. He loved Miss H, and probably had something to do with getting her hired at the theater in the first place. Her life was so long and rich, full of drama and information about the film industry, and I knew that if we did it right, we could make something worth watching.
“So you want to do this?”
He started walking again and I hurried to catch up. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?” He had seemed all about it just a second ago. This was classic Noah: hot and cold, with no explanation.
“I mean, shit, dots. It’s going to be a lot of work.”
“It is, but we talked about wanting to actually make something for ourselves, didn’t we? This is our chance.” It felt weird bringing up that night, and the hours we had spent lying idly in his bed chatting between intense sessions of his body pressed against mine.
He nodded, absorbing that. We kept walking in silence for a bit longer, and I took in the campus. People were everywhere, walking in groups or sitting around laughing. There was a guy playing his guitar, and a drum circle had formed over by the owl statue. It was every college cliché I had ever imagined all jammed into one scene, and I loved it. It felt like everything was happening for Noah and me, the music and the laughter, and although I knew that it was just because it was one of the last decent days before winter set in, I couldn’t help but think it was a sign. There was still good out there, and Noah could still be a part of it.
“I want to do it,” he said softly. “But there’s something you should know.”
“Why did you disappear, Noah?” I asked suddenly.
He looked up at me, surprised, and then his expression softened. “After I dropped you off that day, my grandfather died.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” I knew how important his grandfather was, and I could only imagine the pain that brought. Still, he could have talked to me about it, and that didn’t explain what happened next.
“Thanks. But that’s not it.” He took a deep breath and seemed to steady himself. “My dad was at the funeral. And I mentioned you to him. He threatened me, told me that he’d take away my trust fund, which would mean I’d have to pay for the rest of college myself. He still has this insane thing against your mom, and he used it against me. Fuck, I let the piece of shit get to me.”
He stopped again and I faced him. I could tell he was conflicted, a raging sea of years of family issues churning below the surface, all dredged up because of the history between our parents.
“I knew that if I didn’t rip myself away from you, then I wouldn’t have stopped. I was a coward, Linda. He’s been controlling my whole life, and no matter what I’ve done, he’s found a way to bring me back in. He told me my fucking mother would be disappointed if I gave up on my trust fund.”
I blinked at him, shocked. I couldn’t imagine a father so cruel as to threaten his son with his dead wife’s memory. My father may have been distant and strange, but he was a saint compared to Mr. Carterson. And I couldn’t exactly blame him for getting fucked up from that: Noah clearly still cared about his mother and missed her, and his father probably knew exactly what strings to pull and when.
“That’s terrible,” I said softly, not wanting to break the flow of his story.
“It is, but it’s worse that I let him get under my skin again. I fucked up pretty bad for a while there.” He laughed ruefully, looking away from me. “When I got your voicemail, I was about to get fucked up again. Basically the one thing I’ve done for the last month.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He looked back at me. “Because I let myself listen to your voice.”
I didn’t know what to say. The idea of him falling back into his addiction broke my heart, but the fact that it was my voice that brought him away from it, even if for a brief moment, was enough to put it back together again, even if it was still bruised.
“Why are you saying this, Noah?”
He shook his head. “I don’t expect anything from you, not after what I did. But I wanted you to know that I’m going to an AA meeting tonight with Ellie, and I’m going to get clean. You reminded me about what it could be like, if I was clean.”
“I’m really happy to hear that.” I felt suspicious, but if he was trying to turn his life around, I wasn’t going to argue.
“And I want to work on this project with you. It can be something decent in my otherwise pathetic, fucked up life. Miss H deserves to have her story told, and I want to do her justice.”
“Your life isn’t pathetic.”
He grinned, and suddenly he was back to his old self. The fatigue I had seen on him earlier in the day was wiped out, and the awkwardness that had boiled below everything we did dissipated. He was just Noah, with his cocky smile and his perfect lips, probably preparing some dirty joke at my expense. And I found myself not caring about what had happened. Even though I was still shattered and barely holding myself together, I was happy that he was around, happy that he was going to get help, and excited to make something with him.
“Thanks for that ringing endorsement, dots,” he said.
“I’m just saying, you’re not pathetic. Getting clean takes a lot of strength.”
He started walking again and I matched his pace.
“Whatever, let’s talk more about this film idea.”
For the rest of the day, we walked around campus, stopping only to grab a bite to eat, and I completely lost myself in planning. I forgot about what had happened, I forgot about his drugs, about how he had disappeared, everything. Part of me was still reeling over what he had said, but I purposefully shut that down and concentrated on the task in front of us. I wasn’t ready to let myself open up to him again, no matter how badly I wanted it, body and mind. I knew he was dangerous, and could fall off the wagon at any time. I needed him to prove himself to me before I could possibly give him the ability to hurt me again.
But in the fading light of the last nice day before winter, I knew that there was a chance. I could see it in his earnest smile, in the way he walked and laughed and joked. I could see the potential in everything we did, and for the first time since he had disappeared I was looking forward to the future.
Chapter Twenty
“So he like, just showed up?” Chris asked, incredulous. We were sitting on the stoop the next day eating Chinese food. It was our usual post-big-news ritual. Nothing beats greasy food on a north Philly stoop when you’re trying to talk through a really weird situation with your best friend.
“Just like that, appeared out of nowhere.”
Chris shook her head, mystified. “That’s completely bizarre to me, especially coming from a guy who cut you out of his life.”
“I know, I felt the same way.”
“And then he acted like nothing had happened?”
I shook my head. “No, we talked about it a little bit.”
“So, what’s his excuse?”
“I told you about his crazy dad, right?”
She nodded.
“Well, basically his dad threatened to take away his trust fund if he kept seeing me, and the only way he thought he could stay away was to cut me out completely, I guess.”
Chris didn’t look convinced. “If he cared about you that muc
h, why didn’t he just tell you what’s up from the start?”
I shrugged. I had thought of a million different reasons since I last spoke with Noah, and none of them were satisfying. The truth was, though, that I could never entirely understand Noah’s relationship with his father, no matter how much I wanted to. I had never experienced something like that. By comparison, my family was the epitome of a healthy loving relationship.
“I honestly don’t know,” I said.
“And you said he’s back into drugs, too?”
“He was, but he’s getting clean again.”
“Linda.” Chris gave me her most serious look, and I perked up. I could tell she was gearing up for a lecture. “You can’t be with this guy if he’s going to be into that shit. You just can’t. It’s bad news for him and it’s even worse for you. Remember how much of a mess you were those first few weeks? Imagine that, but multiplied by a thousand.”
I nodded my head. I knew she was right, and the logical part of me was screaming bloody murder every time I thought about seeing him next. But I couldn’t turn my back on him, no matter how much I wanted to try and preserve myself, because he hadn’t turned his back on all of his friends when they needed him.
“He’s not a bad person, Chris. He’s complicated.”
She rolled her eyes. “That’s just an excuse. Look, if you think you can help him and still keep your sanity, I think you should. But I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
“I know, I know. That’s what I want to avoid, too.”
We lapsed into silence for a second, each of us lost in our own separate thought process. My last meeting with Noah had gone really well, at least much better than I had anticipated. He promised he was going to meetings with Ellie, and he seemed genuinely into the whole idea of a documentary about Miss H. But I didn’t know how I was going to trust him again, especially after the way he callously threw me aside. I understood his motivations better, and I was getting close to being able to forgive him, but I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to forget everything he had put me through.
“Why are you putting yourself through all this?” Chris asked, breaking the silence.
I looked at her, confused.
She shook her head. “I know it’s weird, but I just don’t get it. I don’t get why you’re dragging yourself through all of this just to help some guy who dicked you over. Hell, I don’t get why you even got involved to begin with.”
That surprised me. I had never really looked into my motivations too much; I had always assumed that being a good person was enough.
“I really don’t know, Chris. I guess there’s something about him.”
“I’ve never really felt that way about anyone.” She laughed and took a big bite of her food. “Honestly, I’m not sure that I want to,” she said through a full mouth.
“It’s not all bad, you know. There was plenty of good. Might still be.”
“Look, I can’t give you good advice on this,” she said, swallowing. “I think that if you want to make this movie, and you want to do it with Noah, go for it. I know that seems like I’m contradicting myself, or whatever, but I don’t know. I’m a little jealous of you.”
“You’re jealous of me? Be serious.” Chris was the most fantastic person I know, and couldn’t imagine her being jealous of anything, let alone of me.
“Like I said, I’ve never felt that way about someone, and maybe I don’t want to. But I can see how happy it made you, even if it also made you pretty depressed.”
“It has been a lot of ups and downs. It’s not always like that, though.”
“Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t, but at least you’re trying. I think I want to experience it all, even if it hurts and burns and makes you break, just a little bit. So you should go after him, if you want.”
I had never heard Chris talk that way before. I stared at her as she tore into her food again. She was probably the grossest eater I had ever seen, but she was also one of the smartest people I knew.
“Where did that come from?” I asked.
She grinned at me, her mouth full. “Who knows?”
I laughed, and we lapsed back into silence as we tucked into our food. She may have been torn about whether or not she wanted to fall in love, or even to let herself be vulnerable with another person, but I didn’t have that luxury. It had already happened for me, and would keep happening if I let myself fall back in with him.
I walked down the steps toward the theater, inwardly dreading another long night cleaning up after Selena’s messes. She had improved, if only slightly, after I had called her out for doing the trash wrong. But for the most part, she was clueless. Still, I liked her, and she was a pretty decent friend, so I couldn’t exactly get her fired.
Grumbling, I turned the corner, then stopped short. Up ahead, leaning against the box office, was Noah. He was smiling, and I could see Chelsea laughing at something he had said. After a second, he looked up and spotted me, and his smile lit up the space between us. He looked much better than the last time I had seen him. The bags under his eyes were smaller, and he looked cleaner, less disheveled and tired. I walked over and joined him in front of the box office.
“Hey guys,” I said.
“What’s up, dots?”
“Hi, Linda.”
I looked at Noah. “Here for a movie?”
He shrugged. “Just seeing how you people are doing without me.”
“Nothing fell apart, if that’s what you were wondering,” I said.
“Well, there is your replacement,” Chelsea started.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, she means well, but she’s not great.”
“Sounds like you really miss having me around,” Noah said.
I gave him a look. “Don’t push it,” I said.
Chelsea laughed. “Yikes, well this is awkward.”
Noah’s smile turned into a devilish grin. “Dots is always like this around me.”
“Like what?” I snapped.
“Flustered and a little confused,” he said.
“You’re a prince,” I replied sarcastically.
“Be nice, Noah,” Chelsea said.
He held up his hands defensively. “Whoa there, don’t gang up on me. Just speaking the truth.”
“You couldn’t speak the truth if it tortured you first,” Chelsea said, laughing.
I grinned thankfully at Chelsea, and my anger dissipated. I didn’t know why it bothered me so much, but for some reason it didn’t feel right that Noah could show up at the theater and pretend like nothing had happened. Then again, the place did feel better with him around, even if he was back to being his usual asshole self.
“Dots, can I talk to you?” he said once Chelsea and I stopped laughing.
“Sure, what’s up?”
He nodded at Chelsea then walked back toward the steps. He stopped, leaning his back against the wall. I stood in front of him nervously, curious about the serious look on his face.
“About this movie,” he started.
“Actually,” I said, interrupting him. “I wanted to talk to you about that, too.”
“Okay, you first then.”
I took a deep breath, inwardly steeling myself. I didn’t know how it was going to go over with him, but I had to have the courage to lay down rules, and to speak up for myself. If I was going to get involved with him again, I couldn’t let him have the upper hand in everything, not when my feelings were involved.
“I know I brought this project to you, but I have two rules that you need to agree on before we get started.”
His eyes widened slightly, and his lips curled into a small smirk. I wanted to slap him and kiss him at the same time, because I knew exactly what he was thinking.
“Okay dots, what are these rules?”
I looked away, blushing slightly. “It’s not like that.”
He laughed softly. “I didn’t say it was.”
I looked back. “Fine, the first rule. You can’t disappear again. I can�
��t get involved with you, even if we’re just making a movie together, if you’re going to flake and disappear on me.”
He nodded. “Fine, that’s reasonable. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay, and this one is more important. You have to be sober the whole time, and you have to keep going to meetings. No more drugs.”
He nodded again. “Okay, I agree to your terms.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Good. Then I guess we can do this.”
“My turn now,” he said, getting serious. He moved off from the wall and stood closer to me. I breathed in sharply, aware of his body so close to mine. Memories came flooding back of his fingers against my skin. “When you’re working the program, you’re supposed to follow a bunch of steps, and part of those steps is admitting you were wrong and trying to make amends.”
My breath caught in my chest. “Okay, so what’s up?”
“I was wrong to cut you out of my life. You have no idea how hard that was for me. If I could go back, I would do things differently. I was wrong.”
I nodded, blinking. I had never seen him so serious before.
“And I will make amends. Maybe slowly, if you’ll let me, but I will.”
“Just don’t disappear on me again,” I said softly.
He stopped closer, and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he wrapped his arms around my body and pulled me tightly against him. I could smell his scent and feel his hard, ripped muscles under his clothes. He hugged me tightly and I returned the embrace after a second, surprised at the contact, but melting into it.
“I’m not going to,” he said in my ear. “I promise.”
I hugged him harder, not wanting to let go, and I felt the exact thing I had thought I was going to be able to avoid begin to lodge itself in my chest. After another few seconds, he pulled away.
“All cool, dots?” he asked, back to his cocky self.
I looked away, controlling the flush of emotions. “Yeah, we’re cool.”
“Good. Get to work now.”
“Yeah, says the model employee.” I gathered myself together and looked at him.