by Hamel, B. B.
And Linda, of course. If someone had told me a year ago that I’d be head over heels for a girl that was a member of my father’s most hated family, well, I would have laughed and said hell yes. Because that’s hilarious and fuck my dad. But if they had said that I would also be insanely in love with her, really and truly lost for her, that I wouldn’t have believed it. But there I was, day in and day out, thinking about Linda, tasting her skin, missing her when she wasn’t around. It was pathetic and it was amazing and it was everything I had no idea that I had wanted.
So there I was sitting in a theater seat as the opening credits of a film I made with the woman I loved rolled up on screen. The Life and Times of Miss Havisham, Actress was the best thing I had ever made. Hell, it was the only real thing I had ever made, and I was beyond proud of it. Linda squeezed my hand, and I smiled at her. I would have rather watched her the whole time, since I had seen the movie enough already, but I figured her parents would find my staring a little unnerving.
They seemed like good people. We had met up a few hours before the show to grab a bite to eat. Her mom immediately made some awkward jokes about hating my dad, which we all knew weren’t actually jokes, but I diffused that situation by agreeing whole-heartedly that yes, my dad was a piece of shit. Linda’s father seemed a little weird and distance, but we got along when I let him talk to me about emperor penguins for twenty minutes.
For the most part, they were a normal family. Linda had her issues with them, but they didn’t hate each other. They didn’t use their money as a threat, or the memory of their dead loved ones as emotional blackmail.
That was just the Carterson family. We were unconventional until the end.
In the dark of the theater I slipped my hand into Linda’s, lacing my fingers with hers. Our movie was playing on the big screen in front of a pretty decent audience, and despite how cool I acted in front of her, I was nervous.
Most of all, I was afraid of how Miss H would react. She hadn’t seen the movie yet, and although I was proud of what I had made, I didn’t know what it would be like for her to see her life up there. I didn’t know if I did her justice, or if I left out important parts. I didn’t know if a half hour was enough to hit the highlights of a person’s existence.
The movie reeled through, from birth to present, showing the hours of interviews we had whittled down to a fraction of that, the images we had picked out from hundreds of candidates, and the countless hours we sunk into the project.
And at the end, people clapped.
“They liked it,” Linda whispered in my ear.
I smiled at her. “Thanks to you,” I said.
“No, you did most of the work.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m the best.”
She laughed as we stood up and moved back out into the theater’s lobby with the crowd. That place had begun to feel like my real home, the home I hadn’t had since my mother passed away. It was where I met and fell in love with Linda. It was where I gathered all the weirdos I had helped out over the years. It was my project.
“Noah,” someone said behind me.
I turned and saw Miss H, her face smiling huge. She was wearing several layers of skirts and shawls, and big costume jewelry.
“What did you think?” I asked her.
She crossed the space between us and wrapped me in an enormous hug. I could smell her perfume and heard the soft jingling of her jewelry.
“Thank you,” she said. I could hear the tears in her voice.
“Any time,” I said.
We broke apart, and she looked at Linda, smiling.
“And thank you, too!” she said, wrapping Linda up in a hug.
I laughed at the two of them and looked around. Most people were filtering out back into the night, probably heading home. The theater was slowly emptying, and I felt a bittersweet sadness, something I couldn’t exactly explain. It had to do with completing the task I had set out months ago to complete, even though I didn’t want any of it to end.
“You two did something amazing,” Miss H said, pulling away and looking at us.
“No, we just made your story,” Linda said.
She shook her head. “You two are amazing kids.”
“Cut it out, Lacey. You’re the star of the show.”
She smiled sadly. “I’m not the star, not anymore. But you two, you two have promise. Make sure you don’t waste it.”
I stared at her, surprised at the serious turn the conversation had taken. Her look was earnest and pleading, and I hadn’t heard her speak so plainly since I was a little kid.
“We won’t,” I said softly.
Memories of Miss H checking in on me every day, making sure I had what I needed for school, and taking me out to the park came flooding back. I had a nanny for most day-to-day things, but Miss H never let an afternoon go by where she didn’t at least call me to see how I was doing.
I don’t know what I would have become without her.
“Good! Now I’m going home, I’m tired,” she said, suddenly reverting to her usual self.
“We’ll walk you out,” Linda said.
“No, no, I’m fine on my own,” she replied, walking toward the steps. “You two go talk to your lovely parents.”
I looked in the direction of Miss H’s gaze and saw Linda’s parents waiting for us off toward the box office. I smiled and waved, and her father nodded back.
“Come on, your parents look lonely,” I said to Linda.
She nodded and we walked over toward them. I shook her father’s hand while Linda’s mother wrapped her in a big hug.
“I’m so proud of you, sweetie,” she said.
“Thanks, Mom,” Linda replied.
I grinned at the two of them.
“Damn good movie, Noah,” her father said to me.
“Thanks, Mr. Lewis,” I said.
“Call me Chad, I hate that mister shit,” he said.
I laughed. I could tell I was going to like him.
“And as for you,” Linda’s mom said, coming toward me. “I’m proud of you, too.”
She wrapped me in a hug. At first, I was nervous, and I almost flinched. But I quickly realized that the drama between our parents was between our parents, and her mother was actively trying to put it all behind her. I hugged her back and grinned at Linda.
Her mom pulled away. “I’m sorry for any awkwardness between us, Noah,” she said.
“It’s okay, really. I understand.”
She shook her head. “I shouldn’t revisit the sins of the father on the son, as they say.”
“His sins are bad enough for all of us.”
She laughed. “Maybe that’s true, but I am sorry.”
“It’s really okay.”
She turned back toward Linda and smiled. “So, when did you get good at making movies?”
“I learned from the best,” Linda replied.
“She means me,” I said, jokingly.
He parents both laughed, and the serious undertones of our relationship were washed away in an easy, shared joke. We drifted out into the night, chatting aimlessly, and although there was still a hidden level of awkward tension and discomfort underneath everything we said and did around each other, I knew that everything would be fine. Her parents were decent people, and her mom wasn’t going to hold anything against me.
I really didn’t have to pay for the sins of my father.
The next day, the banquet room was hot and packed as the judges announced the winners. I was sitting at a cheap round table with Linda and another group of students that we didn’t know, and my leg nervously bounced against the plastic seat of my chair. Linda’s hand was warm and moist in mine, and she looked at me, smiling.
Obviously, we were pretty nervous.
Frankly, I was a mess.
I wasn’t sure why I cared about winning so much. The whole point of the movie was to honor Miss H in some way, and we had clearly achieved that goal. At least, that was my end game; for Linda, I guessed it was
more to get me off drugs, which worked as well. Still, winning the contest would validate everything we worked for, and would give Miss H the recognition she deserved.
An older guy that I didn’t recognize walked up to the microphone.
I looked at Linda, and she squeezed my hand in response.
“And the winner in the documentary category is...” he said, tearing open an envelope.
“Come on, this isn’t the fucking Oscars,” I grumbled under my breath.
Linda gave me a look.
“The Life and Times of Miss Havisham, Actress!”
“Holy shit!” Linda said, and the room began to applaud loudly.
I stared at Linda, honestly shocked. I had never won something in my entire life, at least not something that I cared so much about. We stood together, my body feeling like it was moving through a thick cloud, and we walked up to the judge’s podium to receive our plaque. It was a cheap wooden thing with a gold-tinted metal front, but it was the most precious thing I had ever seen. All of my trust fund money, all of the nice things my father had lying around the house as I was growing up, none of it compared to that cheap, crappy student film contest plaque.
I had always been too cool. I had always been too detached, too busy to give a shit about anything other than the people closest to me. Maybe I helped people here or there, maybe I did some good things, but I never invested in myself.
I never let myself get hurt.
But the movie, it was my way of putting myself out there. Maybe it wasn’t my idea, and maybe I needed someone like Linda to push me, but it was real and it was something I cared about. And I couldn’t have done it without her.
The old guy smiled, shook our hands, and congratulated us. The crowd clapped like they did for every other category, but it felt more real for us. At least, that’s what I thought. We walked back to our table in a daze as the applause slowly died down and the judges began to announce the winners of the next category.
“I can’t believe it,” I said to Linda.
“I can, Noah. You put a lot into this.”
“Congrats you two!” one of the other guys at our table cut in. “You really deserve it.”
“Thanks man, I appreciate that,” I said.
Linda and I nodded to the others as they all congratulated us, and went back to holding hands under the table, the plaque resting on the table in front of us.
After the screening the day before, Linda’s parents had gone home and had made us promise to call them as soon as we knew the results of the contest. Her mother seemed to genuinely like the movie, and even went so far as to offer to let us borrow the equipment as often as we wanted.
Which was good, since we were already planning our next story together.
Miss H wanted to go to the awards ceremony, but had an audition to attend. Even though she was one of the hardest working people I had ever met, she never stopped auditioning. She never stopped trying to land that big role.
She never gave up on her dream.
I stretched my legs out and breathed deeply as the ceremony moved forward, boring and drawn out, but important to each individual filmmaker in the room. I was pretty surprised at how many films had been entered, and figured it was at least upwards of a hundred.
Finally, though, the ceremony ended, and people began to mill about the room, shaking hands and congratulating each other.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said.
“Yeah, okay,” Linda said, standing.
I stood, stretching my legs, and admired Linda’s body as she picked her way through the crowd.
She may not have realized it, but she was the most radiant girl in the room. I shook my head, smiling to myself. I was becoming such a sentimental asshole.
Outside, the halls were quieter, and Linda pressed herself up against my arm, smiling up at me. I kissed her softly as we walked, the weight of the plaque in my other hand a comforting weight.
“So what now, dots?” I asked her.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess we can finish writing the script?”
“That sounds good.”
We walked down the stairs and pushed out the double doors, out onto the sidewalk and the cool night air. I breathed deep, letting the fresh air hit my lungs, and make my head buzz slightly with adrenaline.
“Noah,” a voice called out.
I froze, a jolt of fear running through me.
“Who’s that?” Linda asked.
I looked in the direction of the voice. My entire body tensed, my hand grasping white-knuckled against the plaque in my hand. I wanted to use it to bash his face in, to break his nose and bloody his eyes. I couldn’t believe he had shown up, despite everything.
My fucking dad stood off to one side of the building, his face serious.
“Noah, can I speak with you?” he called out again.
“Who is that?” Linda repeated.
“That’s my dad,” I said.
I felt her head snap up at me and saw her shocked expression out of the corner of my eye.
“What’s he doing here?” she asked.
“I don’t fucking know.”
“What are you going to do?” I could hear the fear in her voice.
“Wait here.”
I slipped my arm out of her grip and began to walk toward him.
“Noah, wait,” Linda said, pleading.
I stopped and looked back.
“You don’t have to do this. We can just leave,” she said.
I shook my head. “It’s okay, dots. It’s going to be fine.”
She nodded softly, wrapping her arms around herself. I smiled at her, and then turned to walk over to my dad.
He was wearing a long black trench coat over an expensive-looking suit. His face was hard and serious, staring daggers at me. I had no idea how he heard about the movie, but clearly he knew something was happening if he had known when and where to appear. I walked over to him and stopped a few feet away.
“What are you doing here?” I said.
“I can’t come support my boy?”
“No, you can’t. Not anymore.”
He stepped closer, rage rolling from his tensed muscles. “Don’t speak to me that way, Noah.”
“I’ll speak to you however I want.” I stood my ground as he stepped closer.
“Who’s that girl?”
“That’s my girlfriend. That’s Linda Lewis.”
He stopped, and I savored the surprised expression that overtook his face. He obviously thought that he had me trained, even though we hadn’t spoken since the funeral. I could see him wrestling internally with the truth.
“So you’re throwing your life away, then,” he growled at me.
“No, Dad. I’m starting my life without you.”
He blinked at me, then laughed. “Starting your life? You have nothing without me. You are nothing without me, you little shit. Your mother would be so disappointed in you.”
I got in his face. “Bring her up one more time, and I’ll break your fucking nose.”
He sneered. “You have a spine, but you’re still an idiot.”
“No, Dad, that’s where you’re wrong,” I spat at him. “I talked to our lawyers, and you know what they told me? They said that you can’t touch my fucking trust fund. They said mom willed it directly to me, and since I am over the age of eighteen, that money is legally all mine.”
His face hardened again as he digested that information. “Bullshit,” he said.
“Not bullshit. You have no fucking control over me anymore, you sadistic piece of shit. You’re an embarrassment to her memory. And you’re out of my life now.”
“You think you can do this, you little fuck? I’ll tear you apart.”
“Get out of here and never come back.”
He laughed. “If I leave, you can kiss your trust goodbye.”
I shook my head sadly, and felt the anger slowly drain from my body. He didn’t get it. I realized in that moment how pathetic he was and how
desperate he was to control everything that I did. He was a weak man and always would be, and I was finally free of him. I turned and took a few steps away, catching sight of Linda. She looked worried, and was hugging herself tightly. I gave her a weak smile to reassure her.
“Noah,” she called out, her face terrified, and she reached out one arm.
My vision went nearly black as something slammed into the back of my head. My body felt heavy and everything was dizzy. I stumbled a few steps forward, barely managing to stay on my feet as a dull pain pierced my skull.
“You little ungrateful fuck,” my dad roared, coming at me again.
He had caught me from behind, and I had no real chance to defend myself. I spun, putting my hands up. I managed to take most of his next punch in the hands and arms, but he kept coming. He landed a vicious punch to my gut, doubling me over.
“Stop it,” I heard Linda scream, almost from a distance. I could barely breath, the wind knocked out of me from that last punch.
“Shut up, bitch,” my dad growled at her, then shoved me onto the ground.
I coughed, slowly catching my breath as my dad stood over me.
“You pathetic little pussy. You’re nothing without me.”
I rolled onto my knees and slowly climbed to my feet, pain lancing down my spine and burning up my gut. I stared at him as he seethed in front of me, his hands balled into fists.
“Big mistake, asshole,” I said to him softly.
“What are you going to do, pussy?” he spat at me.
I grinned and looked at Linda. “Hey, dots, go find a cop.”
My dad laughed, and Linda nodded, heading into the student center.
“What are you going to do, arrest me?”
“At first, yeah. You’ll rot in jail, you embarrassing piece of shit.”
“They’ll take forever to get here, dumb fuck. You’ll be dead and I’ll be gone.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re not worth my fucking time,” I said, trying to bait him.
“Motherfucker—” he said, coming at me again. I took a step back, putting my hands up again, and knocked away his first two punches. He clearly fell for my taunts, and he had lost himself in his rage again.
He feinted another left jab then dropped low and tackled me to the ground. I let him take me down. He was older, but he was still in pretty good shape, not to mention heavier than I was. We hit the pavement together with a grunt, and he began to try and pull back to get leverage for more blows. I grabbed onto him, laughing loudly in his ear. He struggled, getting angrier every second.