by N. K. Love
Half a bottle of whiskey later and we’ve been strolling down memory lane, reminiscing about brighter times in our relationship.
“Mike, this place feels so different, now that you’ve stripped away the ornaments and pictures. But this,” I gesture between us, “This is nice. Isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it is. My life’s been packed away into a few boxes and it’s strange that you’re no longer part of it. But, yeah this is just what I needed, even though I didn’t know what to expect.”
“Well, you look great, by the way. Different, somehow. But, it’s a good different.”
I don’t think I’ve seen his default, resting stern face once. He may have been anxious beforehand, but he is so relaxed and easy to be around now. It also hasn’t escaped my attention that he’s tanned and those brows have definitely been shaped.
“Thank you. I feel much better since, you know, everything. Anyway, you’re looking great too, Bethany.”
“Hmm. Honesty isn’t really your strong suit, is it? I look like shit.” The word ‘honesty’ floats around between us, trying to entice him into a deeper conversation. “I’m enjoying this. It’s the first time I’ve really smiled for a while. This is good. You know, just chilling. Here.” I look around the room. “Drinking and talking… No laptop, no phone calls, no rushing around losing ourselves. Losing each other.”
When those last few words fall out of my mouth, they flip the atmosphere on its head. I swear to God, that fucking elephant is eyeballing me from the corner of the room now.
“Bethany, you’re such a beautiful person, inside and out. You have always deserved so much better than I could have ever given you.”
“Yeah?” I scoff. “I’ve heard a lot of that lately… Funny how people seem to think they know what’s best for me, without even consulting me.”
“You’re right… I was an idiot and I will never forgive myself. Ever.”
“Mike, what are you referring to here, exactly?”
Mike eyes me suspiciously. I’ve no idea how this is going to play out. We both take another swig of dutch courage and I see Mike’s brain ticking over.
“I had a visit, after that night, the night when you found out.”
He pauses. Perhaps hoping that I will reveal whether or not I already know. I find my pulse quickening, but it’s not at the prospect of hearing his truths. It’s the thought of Jax being brought into this conversation. There’s no escaping him. That’s probably because, deep down, I don’t want to.
I just nod slowly at Mike, keeping my lips pursed. He knows I want to hear this from him, in his words.
“It was from the guy you were with that night. The big guy.”
“Jaxson.” I whisper his name and savour it on my lips, loving the sound of it spoken aloud.
“Did you know about that? Did he tell you?”
“Yes. But only recently. I had nothing to do with it.”
“When you knocked some sense into me—” Mike rubs his cheek at the memory. “It was like a switch flicked inside of me, like some sort of awakening… I knew that I’d been living the life I thought I should, instead of the one I needed to. I knew it, but I’d never admitted it, not even to myself. Beth, I—” He reaches across the sofa, taking hold of my free hand. The struggle in his eyes is agonising to witness. “—I love you. I really do but—”
“You’re gay.”
At this point it’s no longer a question. I thought I’d feel animosity towards him, but I don’t. I actually hate that he felt the choices he made were the right ones simply because he was ashamed.
Mike looks at me with glassy eyes. Shuffling closer, he nods his head, but he doesn’t look down, he owns it. Finally, he owns it.
“I’m gay, Bethany. I wish I wasn’t, but—”
“Don’t. Don’t say that. Don’t wish you felt differently. You want what you want. Being ashamed of who you are is exactly what got us here in the first place. Haven’t you learned that?”
Tears threaten and the lump in my throat chokes me.
“I’m trying. Do you know how many times over the years, I sat in the office pretending to work so that I could creep into the bedroom whilst you were sleeping?” With my tears falling freely now, I knock back the rest of my drink. It hurts to hear and to remember, but it also helps me to connect the dots. “I convinced myself that, because I loved you, I could make you happy regardless. I was so fucking wrong, Bethany.”
Mike rarely curses. I pull my gaze back away from our hands and glance up to see tears silently streaming off his face. I automatically reach out to wipe them and then hold my palm against his cheek. He gently covers my hand, regarding me with a face that’s unmistakably full of bitter regret.
“Did you always know, that you weren’t into women?”
I move my hand and start fixing us another drink.
“No, I don’t think so. I had thoughts occasionally, but just put it down to puberty. I purposely slept around to try and prove to myself that my wayward thoughts wouldn’t amount to anything. Then I met you.” I smile and nod for him to carry on. “You were so angelic and genuine. We had a good thing going and I guess I thought I’d cracked it. The love I felt for you—I thought that was ‘it’. That that was what I was waiting for. But after we were married, I soon realised it wasn’t. My love for you was more like that of a close friend. I honestly thought that the spark would come over time. It didn’t… Sorry, if this is making things worse.”
“It’s not. I want to know. If it helps, I know now that I loved you in the same way. I also thought we had ‘it’. I was inexperienced. I thought our love was what true love was and believed that I just needed to work harder to make us happier. But I’ve since learned that it didn’t even come close. Sorry if that sounds harsh, Mike.”
“After how I deceived you, you’ve got no reason to apologise to me, ever… So,” he smiles almost shyly, “you’ve fallen in love?”
“Yes.”
“And, you’re happy?”
Mike’s eyes genuinely sparkle for me, and I hold on to the warmth of that feeling for a second before reminding myself of the reality.
“I was. It’s complicated.”
“What does it feel like, when you’re with somebody that’s your everything?”
His question throws me off guard. So much so, I open my mouth and let the words fall out without even considering my answer.
“It feels like the rest of the world is spinning, but you’re both utterly still. You’re invincible. When he looks into your eyes, there’s no need to question anything anymore. You can just exist in an imperfect harmony, and that’s okay. You’re together and nothing else matters.”
“Wow! Well, that’s the dream right there. That’s what I want. I’m so happy for you. I mean that, seriously. Your happiness is the best ‘going away’ gift possible.”
“Going away—that seems like a viable option for me right now.”
“Really? Going away, or running away?”
Mike clinks my glass with his and downs his whiskey. Standing up, he stretches with a little added stagger. We have been sitting for what seems like hours now. I lean back on the sofa and cross my legs.
“If I’m honest, I’d be running. My head’s really fucked up at the moment, so starting afresh sounds like music to my ears.”
“Hold on. Bethany, after the way you’ve just described your love for somebody, how can giving up on that seem like the better option?”
“I guess for the same reason you thought staying married to me was the better option, instead of following your heart and going to find yourself a man!”
“Touché. I’ll give you that. But, I’ve also just told you that that was an epic mistake and I was totally, irrevocably wrong.”
I inhale deeply, resting my head back against the cushion. Mike docks his phone and plays some soft classical music quietly in the background. I close my eyes, enjoying the slight spinning.
“Tell me about when he came here, to this house.”
“The big guy?”
“Jaxson.” There it is again…
“I think he came round to beat the crap out of me. I was blind drunk, drowning my sorrows. I’d been drinking since the early afternoon. I thought he was a burglar or something, until I looked into those piercing green eyes.” Fuck. Those perfect eyes. With my eyes still closed, I can see them now. “That’s when I recognised him. Although my instinct was to be scared of him, for some reason I wasn’t. Shall I tell you what I was, though?”
“Go on.”
“Jealous.”
“Jealous? Why?”
I open my eyes slowly, angling my head to look over at Mike.
“When I saw you two together, I felt jealousy rip through my veins. Not because he was touching you—well, okay, that too—but mainly because I wanted a piece of that—”
“What?” I mock. “You wanted a piece of the green-eyed big guy?”
Mike grabs the nearest cushion and throws it across the room at me.
“No, Bethany. I think you know what I’m saying. Remember, I know your face better than most, and the way you looked at him, that connection you had—that’s what I want, one day.”
“And you will. One day. Now that you’re moving in the right direction… So, what happened with him, here?”
I look up at the ceiling, as though I can somehow channel the feel of his presence.
“He roughed me up a bit. I didn’t even care if he hurt me. If anything, I wanted him to. I felt like I wanted to be punished for all the crap I put you through. I’d been thinking about how I’d kept you away from finding true happiness for all that time. You could be happily married by now. You could be a mother—”
“Stop!” I snap at him. “Do you think I wanna hear that, Mike? Just tell me what happened, please.”
“Sorry… Well, my head was already a mess, I was pretty emotionally unstable by this point. I just broke down, Bethany. I don’t know what he told you, but I was a state. I hadn’t spoken to anybody since you’d smacked me, and even though he came here to hurt me, I couldn’t help myself. I just spewed out my regrets, all over him. By the time I’d sobered up, piece by piece it came flooding back to me and I was mortified.”
“Did he hurt you?”
“Not enough.” Mike shakes his head. “I didn’t feel anything until the next day anyway. I remember he kept saying to me ‘You’ll never hurt her again.’ Before he left, he got me to sign some document about adultery. I told him it wasn’t necessary by then. I wouldn’t have dragged out the divorce, Bethany. I promise. It’s all going through now—I wouldn’t have done that to you.”
“Well, back then, I wasn’t sure. I felt like you were a different person to who I thought I knew. Jaxson helped me see things clearer. He has shown me what it is to be me, the real me.”
“So, he’s the guy?”
“Yep.” I sigh. “He’s the guy.”
“Do you want to know what I think you should do?”
“Are you seriously gonna offer me relationship advice? Isn’t that a bit weird?” I frown, but smile.
“I know, I know. Humour me?”
“Let’s hear it then.”
“When you think about whatever it is that’s made things ‘complicated’, try to also think about the way you’ve just described how you feel about him. If I find somebody that lights up my face at the mere mention of their name—I’m going to do everything I can to make it work. That’s all I’m saying.”
“I hear you.” Mike doesn’t look convinced. “I do. I’m not going to throw it all away unless I have to. And thank you.”
We remain silent for a while, listening to the music, whilst I consider what he’s said.
Shortly afterwards, we decide we’re both ravenous so Mike orders a concoction of food from the local Chinese restaurant.
We devour the random selection from numerous foil cartons, whilst finishing the rest of the whiskey.
Chapter Two
Sunday 10th May 2015
1:05am
After opening and finishing a bottle of white wine, we’re both well and truly drunk and incredibly tired. We’ve stumbled around dancing and laughing and talking all night.
Mike told me about Claire, the girl he was seeing. She’s a transsexual, or ‘chick with a dick’ as he drunkenly put it. He said she moved to the Midlands after being outcast by her family. He met her through a discreet dating service online. By that point, I was way beyond the point of filtering so I blatantly asked him why he didn’t seem interested in anal sex with me—I was way too curious to not ask. Mike said he felt like it would’ve been disrespecting me, by having sex with me, but thinking of somebody else.
Well, that diverted to a whole other conversation, where I probably revealed way too much information about my recent sex life. But it did feel liberating, and Mike was so laid back, it was like talking to a new man. All the irritating, uptight sides to him had simply fallen away.
When Mike goes outside for a cigarette, I fumble my way upstairs, ambitiously heading to the bathroom. I smile to myself with the belief that tonight was absolutely meant to be. Mike and I both feel lighter, having let go of the past as best we could. That doesn’t mean it’s forgotten, but life’s too short to let your fuck ups bring you down. I’m so fucking smashed right now, but still, it’s the best I’ve felt this week and I’m thankful.
I have a little look around upstairs. It’s bare. All the furniture has gone. Tomorrow, Mike flies to the other side of the world and starts his new beginning properly.
Knowing that helps to give me that kick up the backside I need to get my shit together.
I make it to the bathroom unscathed. After going to the toilet and washing my hands, I put the toilet lid down and slump on top of it. Grabbing my phone, my fingers work on their own accord, scrolling straight to Jax’s messages. Our thread is looking a little one-sided.
How are you? x
How’s ur new place? Do you need anything? x
Can I call you? x
After those, he gave up asking questions or expecting responses.
I will never give up fighting for you x
I will do anything to show u that we belong together x
Then the most recent message, which was received about an hour ago.
Wish 36 – I wish I could hear ur voice, Angel x
Whenever I read his messages, I do it automatically in his voice. That dark, husky, masculine tone, which is capable of being solely responsible for arousing me at will.
Without listening to Miss Sensible for the first time since we left on Monday, I hit the call button and hold my breath.
One ring later…
“Angel?” I pause, open-mouthed.
Instead of speaking, I let out a shaky exhale to calm myself. I can hear the whirring of his ceiling fan and I’m immediately transported back into his bedroom. The place that had started to feel more like our bedroom.
“Say it again.” I whisper.
“Angel.”
“Jax.” I squeeze the phone closer to my cheek, as though that’ll bring him nearer.
“I’m right here. Are you okay?”
“I am now, for the moment. S’pose it’s strange hearing your voice… That voice.”
“I’m glad you called.”
“Me too. S’been scary. I don’t think I even smiled on Tuesday or Wednesday or Tuesday or Fri—wait… Well, anyway, I smiled tonight.”
“Oookay.” Why can’t I keep my babbling mouth shut? “Beth, I don’t like you drinking alone.”
“S’good job I’m not alone.”
“Okay. Good. Are you with Willow?”
“Nope.”
“Your mother?”
“Nope. Wait. How’d you know Mom’s here?”
“I have my ways. Who are you with?”
“Well, I’m not with you—”
“That’s only because you’re taking time out, Beth. We are still together, don’t forget that.”
How h
e switches effortlessly from soft and caring to his possessive tone has my horny, drunken body crossing my legs and clenching my thighs. I squeeze tighter and my fickle mind imagines his beautiful lips all over my body.
“Is that what you want?”