After a pause to collect herself, she sat up, smoothed down her skirt, then reached for her phone.
“Hi, Andie. No. You didn’t interrupt. I was, um, finished.”
She blushed and gave him a sideways look that, despite everything, made him want to laugh.
“Yes. Ten minutes will be fine. Thank you again for doing this. I’m so happy they all had fun. Yes, I took care of what I needed. And then some.”
This time she didn’t look at him, but he could detect a certain tart look in her eyes and had to chuckle. She turned slightly and pressed a chiding finger to her lips. She might have looked like every caricature of a stern librarian, if her hair wasn’t coming out of her loose updo and her sweater wasn’t askew and if he didn’t have the image burned in his memory of how beautiful she had looked a few moments earlier.
“Yes. Thank you. Goodbye.”
She ended the call and turned to him. “They’ll be here in ten minutes.”
“We’d better hide all the evidence, then.”
She looked confused for a moment, until he gestured to the table, scattered with ribbon and wrapping paper and tape.
“Oh. Right.” She glanced at the bed, then back at him. “Jamie, I’m sorry that turned out to be so...one-sided.”
He stopped her with a kiss on her forehead. “Don’t. I had a great evening. Every moment of it. If you don’t mind, though, I’ll help you clean up the wrapping paper mess, then I think I should head upstairs. I’m predicting the boys will be wild enough after a Christmas party. I tend to rile them up more than I intend, and I don’t want to make it completely impossible for you to get them to sleep on a school night.”
“Thank you for that. And for...everything else.”
He laughed. “It was my pleasure. Believe me.”
After they finished cleaning up, he kissed her one last time, then slipped out of the apartment. The gravity of what had happened between them seemed to build with each step away from her.
Something had changed during that heated encounter. He wanted her more than any other woman in his life and ached to be free to touch her fully, to explore the passion seething beneath her skin.
He didn’t know what to do with this yearning. More troubling than that, he could feel the emotional ties tightening inexorably between them, especially after all she had told him.
He cared for her, deeply. Somehow in the last few weeks, she had slid right past his defenses, with her kindness, compassion, her sly sense of humor.
How had he let this happen? Since Lisa and her tragic death, he hadn’t let any woman this close to him. How had his uptight, quiet librarian managed to wriggle her way into his heart?
It didn’t matter. He couldn’t pursue a relationship with her. Julia deserved to be happy—to be cherished and adored by someone who would see her for the amazing woman he had come to know this last month.
That someone couldn’t be him.
She had already been hurt enough by the implosion of all her hopes and dreams. He couldn’t drag this out further.
Jamie had figured out a long time ago that he wasn’t the sort of man who could stick around for happily-ever-after. Sure, he was casual and fun and could make a woman smile and sigh and maybe have an unexpected orgasm out of the blue.
He couldn’t make her happy for the rest of her life, as she deserved.
He would move out as planned and then do his best to extricate himself from their lives. She would be hurt, yes, but not irreparably.
He would rather walk away now than drag this out more and hurt her even worse.
* * *
“MY PRESENTATION WENT WELL,” Julia said over the phone to Mack Porter. “They seem to like our summer reading program ideas, and I’ve already had three libraries ask me to send them information about how we set up our incentives.”
“That’s because you’re so brilliant. Before you know it, they’re going to want you to run for the board of the library association.”
Julia shuddered at the idea. She was happy to volunteer and participated in a couple of different committees for the association, but she had no interest in leadership. “The reason I called is to let you know I’m leaving Boise and should be back in town by two, but I’m taking the rest of the afternoon off.”
“Got it. It’s pretty quiet here. I guess people have better things to do a few days before Christmas Eve than return their library books.”
“Like what?” Julia said in a disbelieving tone that made Mack laugh. “Nothing is more important than that.”
“Truth.”
“Anyway, I told the boys this morning not to go to the library after school, as they’ve been doing, but to meet me at home. If they forget in their excitement about it being the last day of school before the break, they might show up there. If they do, call me and I’ll pick them up.”
“Okay. You’re leaving now?”
Out her Lexus’s window, she could see a few stray snowflakes twirling down from the sky. Nerves tightened in her stomach. If it was snowing at all, she would have to take the other road back to Haven Point, which added at least forty-five minutes. The longer, more circuitous route always felt safer for her, where cars weren’t whizzing past her at sometimes eighty miles an hour, pressuring her to go faster than she was comfortable.
“Yes. Right now.”
“Drive safely,” her friend said in his deep voice. “And merry Christmas.”
“Same to you. I’ll see you next week.”
She pulled out of the parking lot of the Boise library where her committee meeting had been held and drove toward the road that would take her home.
Only a few more snowflakes fell as she continued toward the route. When she reached the last intersection before she had to decide whether to take the freeway or the slower road, Julia dithered.
She really wanted to save forty-five minutes of driving, but was it worth risking the stress of driving on the freeway in the snow?
The car behind her honked, and Julia realized she had to make a decision.
In an odd sort of way, she felt as if she were at a crossroads in her life, literally and figuratively. She could continue to be afraid to reach out, to live in her safe little world where she took no risk and thus enjoyed no benefits from that risk. Or she could give in to the part of her that longed to go fast, to live hard, to embrace everything life had to throw at her.
She knew which one she wanted to do. Jamie had shown her that over the last few weeks. She had experienced the wonder of flight. She had gone to the fancy gala dressed like a fairy princess. She had kissed him on the ski slopes and under a starry sky and in her bedroom, where he had brought her indescribable pleasure.
He had helped her achieve so many things she had dreamed about, and in the process she had come to know herself a little better.
How hard was driving on the freeway, anyway, even in the snow? One used the same driving skills. The same turn signals, the same steering wheel, the same cruise control. She only had to employ the skills she already had a little faster.
She could do this.
She could do anything she wanted.
The back roads had their advantages sometimes. It was beautiful there, and she could slow down and enjoy life a little. But when she was in a hurry, like today—when she had boys who would be looking for her after school, eager to tell her about their last day of school before Christmas break—she didn’t want the slower pace.
Empowered in a way she never would have imagined, she used that turn signal now and moved into the lane that would merge her onto the freeway. Heart pounding, she accelerated up the on-ramp. A car changed to the inside lane to give her room, and a moment later, Julia was doing it. She was driving at freeway speeds in the middle of December in her little Lexus that was designed to go even faster.
Her happiness seemed too big to be contained inside the small space, so she rolled her window down and gave a shout of glee. A woman driving past in a blue minivan gave her an odd look, but Julia didn’t care.
Of course, she could only keep her window down for so long. It was December, after all. After a moment, she rolled it back up, turned on the stereo and drove the rest of the way home to Haven Point singing along to her favorite Christmas carols.
When she reached her house, she was delighted to see Jamie’s vehicle in the driveway. She had to tell someone. To others, it might seem like such a stupid thing, but for her it was huge.
She opened the door, unlocked her apartment to dump her bags inside, then hurried up the stairs to his. He answered on the second knock.
“What’s wrong?” he asked instantly.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s been a terrific day. May I come in?”
He held the door open with a confused look. The apartment appeared just as it had when he moved in, with the addition of a little more clutter and a couple of open moving boxes. For a moment, the sight of those boxes dulled the excitement sparkling through her veins. They served as a stark reminder that his time here was temporary, that he would be moving on before she knew it. She felt sadness clutch at her stomach but quickly pushed it away. Today was for celebrating.
“Guess what just happened?”
He gazed at her. “Judging by how excited you look, I’m thinking you either won the lottery or were just named Librarian of the Year for the state of Idaho.”
“Neither of those things, though a girl can always dream. Maybe next year. No. This is something better.” She paused for dramatic effect. “I just drove home on the freeway! And it’s December. And it’s snowing!”
“Seriously?”
“I know it sounds stupid, but driving on the freeway always made me nervous, especially in the wintertime. When I was a new driver, I was bringing my dad back from a doctor’s appointment in Boise when it started to snow, and black ice formed. We were involved in a twelve-car pileup. Neither of us was hurt seriously, but somebody else in the pileup was killed. Ever since, I’ve been afraid to take the freeway.”
“You never do?”
“I rarely go to Boise, in the first place. When I do, I’ll take the freeway there and back if it’s a sunny day, but the rest of the time I take the long way home.” She shrugged. “Today, I decided it was stupid to be afraid. I could handle whatever comes along, and I had more important things to do than give in to my fear.”
“That is amazing! Good for you!”
“I know it’s a little thing, but it was important to me.” She paused. “Thanks for not thinking I’m a stupid scaredy-cat.”
“I don’t think that at all. I think you’re brave and adventurous and incredible. Come here.”
She had been waiting for him to say just that, and she wrapped her arms around him and lifted her mouth for his fierce, approving kiss.
What would it be like to have this all the time, someone to share her joys and triumphs and sorrows with? Another person who wanted her to succeed, who saw the good in her she often overlooked?
She sighed, remembering those moving boxes. He was a temporary part of her life, and she had to accept that. He was here now, though, and she wouldn’t waste time worrying about the future.
He drew back, smiling. “You know what this means, right? The only thing left on your list is kissing somebody special under the mistletoe and getting a puppy!”
It took a few seconds for his words to pierce her happy glow. List. Mistletoe. A puppy. They made no sense...until they suddenly did.
Icy shock crackled through her as dawning realization poured over.
Somehow, Jamie knew about her list. That stupid, juvenile bucket list that Roxy Nash made them write at the book club, when she had been well on her way to being wasted on sangria.
Julia felt all the blood rush from her face, her hands, her toes.
“How... You saw that list?”
“Yes,” he said warily.
“You saw the list,” she repeated.
He eased away and scratched his chin. “Not on purpose. When you were sick and I was taking care of the boys, it fell out of a book. I wasn’t snooping, but I...happened to read a few lines, then of course had to read the rest.”
That pathetic, ridiculous list that she hadn’t even wanted to make in the first place! Humiliation burned through her, replacing the icy shock. She felt exposed, laid bare, as if he had read her private journal on a live internet broadcast and revealed all her secret dreams to the world.
She remembered the events of the last few weeks and suddenly saw them through a new filter. All the things he had done with her, the adventures he had provided for her and the boys—taking her up in his airplane, teaching her to ski, the gala. It was all because of her stupid book club list.
She tried to remember everything on it, each humiliating detail. Suddenly her lungs contracted, and she couldn’t breathe.
The day before, her bedroom.
She had written that on the list. Have an orgasm with someone else.
She wanted to die, to curl up into a ball and disappear.
That was the reason for everything he had done. None of it was real. Jamie Caine didn’t care about her. It was all some stupid effort to help the poor, wretched, boring librarian check off the pitiful items on the list.
“I have to go.” She pointed vaguely at the door, then forced her frozen feet to move toward it.
“Julia, wait.”
She shook her head and kept moving. She couldn’t face him. Not now, maybe not ever. She had to get out of here.
Gripping the polished railing that had been made by some ancestor or other, she rushed down the stairs and to her door. She was so consumed with her mortification that she didn’t realize he followed her until his hand on the jamb stopped her from slamming the door closed behind her.
“Julia. Wait. Listen to me.”
“I can’t. Everything you did, everything we shared the last few weeks, was for that list. Because I’m a thirty-something introvert who has let life pass her by. You felt pity for me and wanted to help me accomplish things that most normal people would have done by the time they were out of their teens.”
“Pity had nothing to do with this,” he insisted. “I liked you and I liked the boys. I thought it was a great thing you were doing for them, taking them in when they had nowhere else to go. I admired that. When I saw the list, I wanted to do something nice for you in return. That’s all.”
That’s all.
She had completely lost her heart to him while he was being nice to her.
“And you succeeded admirably. Thank you. Now will you excuse me? I have to go find a certain book about filling your stupid well and burn it.”
“Why are you angry?”
She stared at him. Did he really not get it? Did he not see how absolutely humiliating this was for her, to know that the only reason he wanted to spend any time with her the last few weeks was to help her check off a stupid list with items she never should have written down in the first place?
“It doesn’t matter. You did a nice thing. I’ll never forget all the adventures you gave me. Skiing, flying. All of it.” She couldn’t add the rest. She just couldn’t. “Now you can enjoy your Christmas with the warm glow of knowing you’ve done your good deed for the year.”
“It might have started out that way,” he said. “But somewhere along the way, I forgot all about that list. I was only doing it for you, because I wanted to make yo
ur dreams come true.”
His words sent treacherous warmth seeping through her. She wanted to lean into that warmth, but then she remembered. This was Jamie Caine, notorious charmer, who could persuade a woman to do anything he wanted.
None of it was real. How could she have been so stupid to lose her heart to him, to actually think he might be interested in her?
Her jaw tightened. “That sounds lovely. Did you read it on a Christmas card somewhere?”
She heard her own acid words as if from far away and wanted to take them back, but she was too miserable, too hurt.
“I mean it. I care about you.”
She might have scoffed. Or coughed. Or maybe it was a sob that she couldn’t quite manage to restrain.
Jamie stepped forward and reached for her hand. His expression was solemn, but there was something there she couldn’t read.
“I shouldn’t have just blurted it out like that. I was going to tell you I saw the list at some point. I thought maybe we could have a laugh about it.”
“A laugh.” That’s all she was to him. She tugged her hand free and twisted it around the other one. Her fingers were shaking, but she couldn’t have explained why.
He ran a hand through his hair, a muscle flexing in his jaw. When he spoke, his voice was low, intense. “Would you be this angry if I told you that somewhere along the way I started to fall in love with you?”
For a brief, magical moment, joy exploded inside her like Roman candles on New Year’s Eve.
Jamie Caine. In love with her.
She thought of the tenderness she was almost certain she had seen in his eyes, the sweetness he showed to the boys, how safe she felt in his arms.
She wanted so desperately to believe him. Sometimes Cinderella really did get Prince Charming, right?
That was a fairy tale, though. The kind of story that could be found in her library books. Not real life. In real life, gorgeous pilots who could have any woman they wanted didn’t choose the dowdy librarian who had spent most of her life living for others, afraid to take any chances for fear of the hurt that might be waiting on the other side.
Sugar Pine Trail--A Small-Town Holiday Romance Page 25