This would all be so much easier if she could hate the other woman, but she actually seemed very loving and kind. It was obvious the boys adored her.
“I’ll be right back.”
She hurried to her room and into her closet, trying hard not to remember those cherished moments with Jamie as he helped her wrap the presents.
After looking at everything hidden away, she pulled out only the stockings that were on top, the ones she had hand-sewn at night after the boys were in bed.
The stitches were crooked on the letters that spelled out their names, but she had to hope the boys wouldn’t notice that. She picked a few other small, meaningful presents that would fit in them for each, then wrapped them twice in leftover shopping bags to conceal them fully.
She still had a closet full of toys. She would donate them, she decided. It was probably too late for the Toys for Tots donation, since the day after next was Christmas Eve, but McKenzie or Wynona might know of a needy family that would otherwise slip through the cracks.
Giving the boys the stockings she had made them was a small gesture, but somehow it made her feel a little better, not quite as powerless amid the events swirling around her.
She carried them out and handed them to Suzanne.
“Thank you,” the woman said. “I’ll make sure they get them Christmas morning.”
“Please. Take care of those boys. I have loved having them here.”
Suzanne’s chin wobbled, and she grabbed Julia one last time into a fierce embrace. “Thank you for rescuing them. You did a wonderful thing, and we can never repay you.”
She didn’t tell the other woman she had been repaid a thousand times over by their hugs, their laughter and the joy they had brought into her world.
Finally they were all settled into the rental car, and the terrible moment she had been dreading could no longer be avoided.
A few stray snowflakes stung her face, and wind blew through her sweater, but she didn’t go inside until their taillights faded.
She was aware as she stood in her driveway that she wanted to climb into her own Lexus and drive away into the night. Not necessarily after them, just anywhere but here.
She didn’t want to go back inside and face the echoing emptiness.
Wyn was still inside, though, and Jamie, and she knew she couldn’t stay here all night, or she would freeze to death.
On bones that seemed to creak and groan as much as her old house, she slowly mounted the steps. Jamie was waiting on the porch. She was aware of him watching her, worrying for her, but she couldn’t deal with it. Not yet.
Wynona was waiting in the entryway.
She immediately wrapped her arms around Julia. “I’m so sorry,” her friend said. “I had no idea this would happen so fast. I wish I could have given you some warning.”
Julia stayed in her embrace for a moment, then tried to subtly edge away. “This is the best possible outcome, right? They’ve been reunited with their family, people they love and who love them in return.”
“But right before Christmas. It sucks.”
That was one word for it. As someone whose entire vocation involved collections of words, she had a few choice others she could use.
“You did your job,” Julia answered. “I know none of this was your fault.”
Wyn hugged her one more time. She adored her friend and was grateful for her sympathy, but right now Julia needed her to leave so she could break down in peace.
“Call me if you need anything,” Wyn said. “Seriously. Even on Christmas Eve. In fact, why don’t you come to Mom and Uncle Mike’s new place for dinner Sunday? There’s plenty of room, and we would all love to have you.”
“I’ll be okay. I promise. You’d better go. I’m sure Cade is wondering where you are.”
Wynona finally drove away reluctantly a few moments later, which left only Jamie.
“Thank you for your help today.”
Tension seemed to thrum between them as his earlier words continued to echo through her mind. It was all too much. The last few hours had been the worst sort of emotional roller coaster, and now she felt like she did the few times she’d gone to an amusement park—hot and sticky and nauseous.
“Is that all you have to say? Don’t you want to talk about this?”
She shook her head. That was the last thing she wanted.
“I can’t.”
“Julia. Sweetheart. Don’t shut me out.”
She longed so much to fall into his arms, to cry and cry and cry until this sadness began to ease.
He couldn’t make this better, and if she allowed herself to lean on him, her heartbreak would be so much worse when he left, too.
She forced a smile. “I’m really okay,” she lied. “As I said to Wyn, this was the best possible outcome for the boys, to be with their family. I get that. I’m sad for me, yes, but I can’t be anything but happy for them. Thanks for your concern. If you don’t mind, I really need to be by myself right now.”
Before he could argue, she slipped into her living room. She closed the door firmly behind her, then locked it, leaving him standing alone in the foyer.
* * *
JAMIE STOOD ON the other side of her door, listening to the lock snick home and wondering what the hell he should do.
His instincts were telling him to knock the blasted thing down. She was obviously not okay. He had seen the devastation in her eyes, the raw pain she had gone to such lengths to conceal.
What was a guy supposed to do when the woman he loved was hurting and wouldn’t let him help? He stood for a long time, frozen with indecision. She wouldn’t appreciate him banging on her door relentlessly. Should he call someone? He couldn’t help remembering Lisa and how his indecision in that case had resulted in such tragic consequences.
Julia wasn’t Lisa. She was one of the most courageous women he knew, with incredible strength and grit. She would get through this, he knew.
He wanted to help her, but she had asked to be alone. Maybe the best thing he could do for her right now would be to respect her wishes. Instead of thinking about what would make him feel like a hero, maybe he needed to respect that she knew what she needed.
If that wasn’t him right now, he would have to accept that.
What if she never let him in again?
Panic pooled in his stomach. Julia couldn’t believe he truly loved her, and he had no idea how to prove he did—or even if he should try. Maybe he should take this literal and figurative door she had closed between them as a sign.
She didn’t want him.
I’m naive but I’m not stupid. My heart was never involved.
He inhaled sharply as the stinging pain of her words hit him all over again.
He didn’t want to believe it, but maybe that was his damn arrogance again. It was entirely possible that he had fallen head over heels for the one woman who seemed immune to his celebrated Caine charm.
Tomorrow he was supposed to fly to Hope’s Crossing to pick up his family again for Christmas at Snow Angel Cove.
He would give her time to come to terms with her loss. If by the day after Christmas Eve, she still wasn’t talking to him, he would accept that she meant her words.
It might prove the toughest thing he ever tackled, but he would move out of her house and try to go on with his life without her.
* * *
JULIA FELT EXHAUSTED, wrung out and achy and heartsick. She had cried more in one evening than the last five years combined.
For once, the cats had come through. Audrey Hepburn hadn’t left her side since the Bernards drove away, and even Empress had bounced onto the sofa and curled up next to her.
It had been an unexpected blessing, a small tender mercy.
Jamie had come down early. She had been sittin
g by the Christmas tree wrapped in a blanket when she heard his boots on the stairs. He’d paused outside her door, and she almost thought she could hear each steady breath, but a moment later the door opened and he was gone.
She probably shouldn’t have shut him out like that, she thought now as she gazed at all the presents she had pulled out of her closet.
In retrospect, it wasn’t fair. He had cared about the boys, too, had spent many hours with them. She hadn’t once considered his pain and sadness, only her own. If he were still here, she would apologize to him for her selfishness.
The long weekend stretched out ahead of her, hour upon hour she needed to fill with something. She couldn’t spend the entire holiday weekend, a time that should be centered on joy and hope, having a pity party.
The boys would be happy with their aunt and uncle, she had no doubt. She would continue to pray their mother would be able to heal mentally and emotionally and eventually find herself healthy enough to care for them. Meanwhile, the Bernards would provide continuity, would shower the boys with all the love and attention they needed.
How could she be selfish enough to deprive them of that, simply because she loved them, too?
Meantime, she had all these presents to take somewhere. She could always join the throng of unhappy gift recipients and return them after the holidays, but she would feel better if the gifts could go toward helping someone else.
While she fixed a quick breakfast, she called Wyn to ask if the social worker knew anywhere she could take them.
“Are you sure you want to do that?” Wyn asked, concern in her voice.
“Positive,” she said firmly.
“I can think of a half-dozen people who might benefit. One in particular stands out, a woman in Shelter Springs who just took custody of her grandchildren, two boys the same age as Davy and Clint and a little girl who is about three. The children’s mother was arrested in Boise on drug charges last week. This all happened pretty suddenly, and the grandma, Janet Wells, is on Social Security and doesn’t have much money to throw together a last-minute Christmas for the kids.”
“I don’t have anything for a girl,” Julia said. “But if you’ll give me a few hours, I can fix that.”
“Are you sure? The stores will be crazy on the last Saturday before Christmas.”
“Positive.”
“Let me call Janet to make sure it’s okay with her. If she is willing to accept your generosity, I’ll call you back with her address. I can come with you, if you want.”
“No. I would like to do this.”
Ten minutes later, Wyn called back to tell Julia that Janet had wept tears of gratitude and said she had, that very moment, been praying for some miracle so she could give her grandchildren a few little presents from Santa.
“How does it feel to be a miracle?” Wyn asked with a laugh that sounded rather teary.
While she was sad about her own loss, at least she would be able to brighten someone else’s holiday. She could take some solace in that.
“It feels great. I guess I’d better go shopping.”
In the end, she braved the crowds at the box stores in Shelter Springs for not only a cart full of little girl toys, but enough food to feed the family for a week.
She paid a fund-raising Girl Scout troop at the front of the store to wrap the gifts, packaged the food in a large basket, then proceeded to the address Wyn had given her.
The house was neat but showed signs of neglect. It could have used new shutters and a new paint job. Maybe when the snow melted, she could organize the Helping Hands to take on another project...
The moment Julia pulled up, Janet Wells came out of her house wearing a threadbare coat and house slippers. She hurried to Wyn when she climbed out of her Lexus and gripped her hands.
“You are an angel from heaven,” the woman declared.
Julia smiled and hugged her. “I’m glad I could help.”
“I asked my friend Florence if she could watch the kids for me for an hour, so they don’t suspect anything. I’d like to surprise them on Christmas, if you don’t mind.”
“Absolutely. Christmas surprises are the absolute best. I can carry them in for you.”
The woman cried twice more before Julia was done unloading the two boxes of gifts and the basket full of food.
“A precious angel from heaven,” she repeated several times. “How will I thank you?”
“Just hold your grandchildren close and make sure they know they’re loved,” she answered. “Merry Christmas.”
At least she could feel good that the things she bought for Davy and Clint would go to a good cause.
* * *
SOMEHOW SHE MADE it through the rest of Christmas Eve Eve, as the boys had called this day before Christmas Eve.
Though the library was closed, she went into work for several hours, taking advantage of the quiet to catch up on paperwork. When she returned to her house late, she saw no sign Jamie had come back. His vehicle wasn’t here, anyway, and she could see no fresh tracks in the driveway.
She was relieved, she told herself. She spent the rest of the evening watching a favorite Christmas movie, frosting the extra cookies she and the boys had made to give to the neighbors, and ignoring multiple calls from her friends, who all left messages inviting her over the next day to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with them.
She was not waiting for Jamie, she told herself.
That was probably good, as she listened all night and he didn’t come home.
* * *
CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING she woke up with a long-ingrained bubbly anticipation, the expectation that this was a day for wonder and miracles.
Only a few seconds later, she remembered, and the excitement died.
The boys were gone.
She indulged in another good cry, telling herself firmly that this was the last one. She fed the cats, straightened up a bit, then dressed for church services.
The program was lovely, with beautiful, soaring music and a touching, inspirational sermon, then a children’s Nativity program that made her ignore her own stricture of earlier and become weepy all over again when she saw the missing spot where two freckled angels should have been.
Several of her friends cornered her afterward to repeat their voice mail invitations to join them for their holiday celebrations. She thanked them but told them she had plans.
Jamie still hadn’t returned when she drove back to the house through several inches of new snow.
The house seemed too big, too empty. Even after filling an hour tromping though the snow to deliver the plates of cookies to her neighbors, the remainder of that day and the next stretched out ahead of her.
This would not do!
Christmas was a time for joy. While she didn’t want to intrude on someone else’s family celebrations, she refused to spend the day moping around her house alone except for her mother’s cats, even if they were being freakishly nice to her these days.
The previous year, she had spent the holidays with her mother at the care center in Shelter Springs. Why not go there again? She knew plenty of residents who would have no visitors over the holidays, and the staff could probably use her help serving up their Christmas Eve dinner.
With more enthusiasm than she’d had for anything in nearly two days, she put on her favorite Christmas sweater, loaded her car with the last few plates of cookies for the staff, then backed out of the driveway. As she turned away from the house on the road that would take her to Shelter Springs, she spotted a familiar vehicle coming in the opposite direction, toward the house.
Jamie.
She saw him behind the wheel and had the odd impression that he looked tired. She couldn’t be sure. How could she possibly tell when they drove vehicles moving in opposite directions?
For one brief instant, his gaze met hers, and he slowed down and lifted a hand in greeting.
As she looked at his dear, familiar, gorgeous features, all the misery she had been trying so hard to outrun seemed to swell, expanding to fill every available inch inside her Lexus.
While she was sad about the boys leaving, everything seemed so much worse without Jamie beside her to help her through it.
It’s your fault.
She gazed out the windshield as the words seemed to ring over and over in her head. He had tried to support her, and she had pushed every effort away. No doubt, he despised her, with good reason. She wasn’t very fond of herself right now.
All the progress she had made the last month to stretch herself seemed for nothing. She was still too afraid to reach for what she wanted. Though she yearned to follow after him, to lean on his strength, she didn’t have the courage.
With one hand curled in a fist against the pain in her stomach, she accelerated and drove away.
* * *
WELL. THAT WAS CLEAR ENOUGH.
Jamie drove the rest of the way to her house and parked in his usual spot in the driveway.
A weird, aching pain had lodged under his breastbone. After flying into Hope’s Crossing to pick up family members, he had been trying to get back to Haven Point to talk to Julia for two days. First he had engine trouble, then bad weather had closed the Hope’s Crossing airport, then his car wouldn’t start and he needed Aidan to jump his battery.
He only wanted to see her, to talk to her, to try to make things right. He never expected he would run into her on the street—or that she would quite deliberately drive away from him.
He was half-tempted to turn around, to drive after her and have this out once and for all. After he pulled into the driveway, he put his SUV in Reverse with the intention of doing just that.
At the end of the driveway, he hesitated, then pulled forward to his usual spot again and turned off the ignition.
No. She clearly didn’t want to talk to him, and he couldn’t force her to.
His main reason for returning to the house was for a shower and change of clothes, but as he slowly walked up the stairs to his apartment, he realized he couldn’t stay here anymore. Not with things so tense between him and Julia.
Sugar Pine Trail--A Small-Town Holiday Romance Page 27