***
“I just don’t understand what got into Bill. It really wasn’t like him. Maybe all this stress is more than we realize.” Nancy was saying to Allen. They were sitting in Marie’s hospital room.
“It is hard. I tried doing like Jasmina said. I prayed for Marie, but it seemed so silly. How can a few words mumbled change anything?” Allen shook his head.
“It probably did more good than you know, Allen. Just keep trying. We have to keep trying for Marie’s sake.”
The phone rang. Allen got up to answer it. “Oh, hello, Mr. St. Clair. Yes, sir. She is right here.” He stretched the long, tangled phone cord across the room and handed the receiver to Nancy. Nancy smirked as she took it.
Allen went out into the hallway to sit in a waiting area to give them some privacy. His parents had left the day before. They were content that he was recovering well and should be fine. It had been as comforting for Allen to see them as it was for them to see him.
He found a padded bench near a window. The hospital was busy with nurses bustling through the hallway and patients’ families coming and going. Some were on pay phones in corners, some were crying quietly, others were pretending to be cheerful. Hospitals are not normal life. It’s where life lands when it’s turned upside down. It’s where you need help just to live, where family clings to hope and each other. You try to act like everything is still normal so you don’t scare anyone because you really want to scream and knock holes in the walls. That won’t fix it, though, so you pretend that everything will be fine and try not to lose your mind. Maybe in the quiet of the night you can secretly lose your mind and hope to pull yourself back together before morning.
Allen turned from the people in the hall and stared absently out the window. It was a beautiful June evening. Clear azure skies so blue it nearly hurt his eyes stretched as far as he could see. The sun was just getting low in the western sky making a smear of peachy red on the horizon. The rich green pines and bright new leaves of the oaks waved gently in the mountain breeze. He closed his eyes and imagined he and Marie were hiking somewhere right now and all of this was a bad dream. He could feel the cool air on his face and her laughter as she prattled on about a ludicrous dream she had. A perfect world where things were black and white, there were no lost souls or comas, and they were only concerned about what they might have for lunch. How had things changed so much? How had they been so blind before?
Despite the fact that his mind fought him with logic, he was determined to do anything for Marie he could and, right now, that meant praying. He wasn’t sure to what or whom he was praying. He certainly wasn’t sure if anyone or anything heard those prayers. All he knew was that was all he had to save her. Part of him believed it would help, a very small, childlike part that believed we really did have a purpose here other than amusing ourselves and deciding lunch possibilities. He knew one thing, he loved Marie, and that made anything possible.
He glanced around to see if anyone was watching and then discreetly bowed his head toward his shoulder. Someone might have thought he was dozing.
Quietly so no one near could hear, “Marie, if you can hear me, listen. I’m here waiting for you. I’ll wait forever. Don’t be afraid. I don’t know what it’s like for you there, but you belong here. You have to get back to your body and wake up. I love you. We love you, your mom and dad and me. Even my parents. Find a way, Marie. Find help. Maybe there is someone or something that can help you. Please don’t give up. I love you.”
CHAPTER 29 – WHERE DO I BELONG?
Marie and Ben appeared in Allen’s old dorm room. She sucked in a breath as she saw it was empty, deserted. The furniture had been stacked in the corner of the dining area so the maintenance people could shampoo the carpets. The kitchen was bare. No dishes drying on the counter like always. She walked quickly to the bedroom and peered inside. The bed, bare and dismantled, and the wardrobe were pushed to one side. Realizing for certain now he was gone, she walked to the window and looked at the tops of the pines rolling like ocean swells with the breeze moving over them. Loneliness crept up on her and she felt frozen. Her fear of losing him was second only to Hester destroying him.
“He’s gone,” she choked on the words. “Hester was right. He went on without me.” A tear formed in the corner of her eye. She wiped it away before it could fill enough to fall. She turned back to where the bed had been. The last place she had touched him. She remembered tousling his hair in the middle of the night. How precious it was to just be physically next to him, touch him, to feel the warmth of his body from sleep. What would she do now without him? What if she was doomed to forever float in this time between worlds, alone. Not alive and not dead.
She felt the weight of the watch hanging from her neck and clasped her right hand around it. She could feel it as a physical object. It felt cool. She had no body to warm it. It felt just as though she’d pulled it out of a drawer, the cold metal pressing into her invisible hand. It glowed a soft radiant light even now. She pressed the pin and the cover opened. Tiny, delicate hands floated over an ivory face with roman numerals. She closed the cover and turned it over. There was another side that opened. It was a locket place where you could put a picture or have an inscription. Marie wondered if Sarah Elizabeth once had a picture there of the man she loved.
What would Sarah have done if she had been pulled out of life like this? What if she lost the one person for whom it was worth risking everything? The watch glowed a bit brighter, as if it were hoping to tell Marie something. She traced her finger over some scratches inside the locket compartment. It was not an inscription that a jeweler would make. There were scratches in the gold that looked like letters. They had been worn down as though they had been touched repeatedly. Marie squinted and, holding the watch up close to her eyes, tried to make out what it said.
Love gives life.
Sarah must have written it. She would not have had the money to have a jeweler inscribe it. Marie stared out the window pondering this thought. It was a nice thought, even if a bit pithy. It was something you would see painted on a plate and hung in a kitchen. It was so obvious, it was meaningless. ‘But’, Marie thought, ‘that’s it. That’s the power.’ This watch had an ability to focus power. It wasn’t just any power. It didn’t help Hester. It was love. Only the power of love in a person’s heart seemed to set it in action.
Marie had watched so many things unfold in front of her the past few months. There were clear examples of a tangible consequence of showing love or showing hate. Hate was a big word for what Hester did, but that was what it was. She had twisted her desire for love into a desire for revenge because, without the love, she was open to hate. Hester had used Marie’s fear to change her, to make her tap into hate, to cause pain.
There may have been hope for Hester before she entertained her bitterness, but afterward, when she was only comforted by her own self-pity. Love was gone. The lesser satisfaction of revenge was all she could hope for.
Sarah had said to ‘follow your heart’ but what if what your heart’s desire is gone? What could Hester have done to find joy when Tom was not going to love her? Marie wondered what she would do if Allen was gone. Is love something you have to give away to find life? Or, is the greater calling to let love overflow your heart onto everything you touch? Can you find life, even alone in a nowhere land between life and death, by just letting love overflow your heart, filling the world from you outward? It is not self-love, nor is it love for others. It is choosing to be a wellspring of love, a conduit for the power of that love to be released on the world.
Tired though she was, she knew she must try. There were things in her life from which she could gather strength: her relationships and her sense of wonder for nature. She closed her eyes and let these things fill her mind. A peaceful contentedness covered her. Like a mathematical formula that multiplies, returns, and multiplies again, ever repeating and increasing, Marie could feel the fatigue washing away as the peace increased. The antique watch in
her hand vibrated and hummed. The golden light radiated out and filled a sphere of space that encompassed Marie. The soft ringing filled the air in a stellar message calling out for anyone to hear and take notice. Marie knew that no matter what happened to her, whether Allen had moved on or not, she was okay. She didn’t know what the future held, but she would turn her face toward it and it would be good. Goodness would be there. She owned that belief.
Ben came up behind her, “He is somewhere nearby. We’ll find him.”
She looked out at the pines. She thought about what he must have had to go through all this time with her in the hospital. She imagined him alone and sad. She could almost imagine she heard him.
“Did you hear that?” she asked Ben.
“No. I don’t hear anything,” he said looking out the window thinking she must have heard someone outside.
She stood very still and closed her eyes.
Marie, if you can hear me, listen. I’m here waiting for you. I’ll wait forever. Don’t be afraid. I don’t know what it’s like for you there, but you belong here. You have to get back to your body and wake up. I love you. We love you, your mom and dad and I, even my parents. Find a way, Marie. Find help. Maybe there is someone that can help you. Please don’t give up. I love you.
She would have been crying if she had a body that could make tears. Her heart leapt. “Ben! We have to find him! I heard him! He was talking to me! He- He loves me.”
Ben smiled. He knew the precious joy of being remembered. “That’s awesome! Sometimes I hear my mom. Every once in a while she whispers, she says, ‘I haven’t forgot you, precious child.’ It gives me hope.”
“Yes! Hope!” Marie said. “What a gift!” then she paused and tilted her head. “He is close. Maybe he is at the hospital. Let’s go.” She grabbed his hand and they flashed to her hospital room.
“Hi Lucinda! Nice to see you again.” Marie said to Lucinda who was busily whispering in Nancy’s ear. She waved a distracted ‘hello’ at Marie.
Nancy was having an agitated discussion with someone on the phone, whom Marie realized quickly was her father. They had had some sort of misunderstanding. Marie looked at her empty body on the bed. Her hair was brushed and pulled into a neat pony tail on one side over her shoulder and secured with a pink ribbon. Her mother’s work, she assumed. How awful this must be for her, she thought. Gratitude welled in her for the care her mother had taken in sitting with her.
“Bill! I just don’t understand you anymore. One minute you’re ranting like a crazy man and the next you are crying. Neither makes any sense. Are you sick? Do you have a fever? Poor Allen has been listening to me...” Nancy trailed off and Marie remembered she was looking for Allen and walked straight through her mother and the wall behind her, looking this way and then the other for Allen. “Wasn’t there a waiting room near here, Ben?”
“Uh, yes. This way I think,” he motioned to the left. They walked right through nurses, visitors and crash carts. Marie was getting the hang of not having a body. For just a minute she entertained the thought of her running into people and walls if she ever got her life back and how she would have to get re-accustomed to being a solid object.
They came to a wide spot in the hall and saw Jacob sitting next to Allen on a bench. Both were looking out the window. Jacob looked up and acknowledged them.
Twisting around to see them better, “Hey, look who’s back from Zombie World!”
“Funny.” Marie said dead pan. “So how’s my fella, here?” Marie came around in front of Allen and knelt down in front of him. They were nearly eye to eye. She gave him invisible kisses on his cheek. She closed her eyes and wished for any physical reminder of him like the feel of his breath on her cheek, the warmth of his body, the smell of his skin, but there was nothing. In her world now, there was no sensory input other than sight. Everything that gave her joy in the real world was missing in this half world.
“This just sucks! I am so angry!” she huffed. “I hate this. How am I going to get back to my body and my life? How on earth did this happen anyway?” Marie sat crossed legged on the floor with her face in her hands. The watch started glowing, imperceptibly to the living.
“You’re here, aren’t you, Marie?” Everyone, including Marie looked at Allen.
“He can feel your presence, Marie.” Jacob said.
“I can tell. It’s been a while since I felt you near. I was worried. Worried you were gone forever. Worried,” he paused, “that you were- just gone.” A tear streamed from his eye and fell on his knee as he hunched over. He sniffed and wiped his cheek with his ring and pinky finger. “God, Marie, I don’t know what I’d do if you never came back.”
“Its okay, Allen. I love you. It’ll be okay.” Marie said, knowing he couldn’t hear, but at least maybe he could feel her near. The watch dangled on the chain and started the low continuous ringing. Marie looked down and could see it begin to glow the golden light. Jacob and Ben were looking too.
“Have you ever seen anything like that, Jacob? It has to be the combined emotions Marie and Allen are sharing.” said Ben. “It’s like back at your parents’ house, Marie!”
Marie interrupted, “It was doing it at the dorm, too. I wonder if it could always do this, but no one in the living world could see it.”
“Possibly, but wouldn’t Tom or Lucinda or somebody else have noticed?” said Jacob. “Henry knew you could use objects to focus energy. Maybe all this happening has strengthened the watch’s ability to be a channel.”
Allen heard a faint ringing sound in front of him and fixed his gaze on the empty space between him and window. The ringing was like the ringing in your ears after a loud concert. He thought he could see a golden twinkle of light appearing about two feet in front of him. He gazed at it curiously. Then for a fleeting instant, he could make out Marie, sitting cross-legged on the carpet. His eyes opened widely and he rubbed them, thinking surely he was seeing things. He smiled a broad smile of joy. Marie did also. She knew he could see her.
It was going to be okay. They could figure this out. They both knew it.
The ringing faded and Allen realized he must look crazy to anyone else, smiling giddily at the carpet all alone. He didn’t care. Her image faded and he stood up and strode back to Marie’s room. He had to tell Nancy that Marie was okay.
“Wow! That is incredible!” Jacob said. Ben turned to look him up and down.
“You? Mr. I-Have-Seen-it-All-and-Nothing-Surprises-Me?” mocked Ben. They both got up and followed Allen. Marie sat here a minute thinking about how crazy this all was, but she couldn’t help but feel like it was going to be okay. No matter what happened, she was going to be okay.
CHAPTER 30 – WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND
Allen opened the door to Marie’s hospital room and stepped in. Nancy was off the phone, but clearly distracted by the conversation she’d had with Bill. She sat in the chair with her back ram-rod straight. Her hand was balled up in a fist and propping up her chin with her elbow on the arm of the chair. She looked like she might leap from the chair at any moment.
“Hi, Nancy? What’s new?” Allen asked to feel out her mood.
She gave a harrumph and a sigh and looked at him before speaking, “What has become of the world? Is it just me or are people really losing their minds?”
He was careful to think about his words, knowing what he had to tell her clearly fell into to the category of people losing their mind. “Well, the news did say there has been a lot of bizarre behavior everywhere.”
She sighed again and then said, “Evidently last night, Bill-, Bill lost his mind and cut up several of my dresses and an antique pair of slippers I had. That was after he’d called and was irate because I was here. He seems fine now and really has no explanation. He’s fretted about it all night and is very sorry and upset about it. It’s hard to be mad at him when he is just as upset about it as I am.”
“Hm. Well,” Allen was out of his league here and really didn’t want to be in this conversat
ion at all, “So, guess what? You’ll never believe this?” He hoped to just change the subject.
“Well, I just might after what I just heard on the phone. I might believe anything!”
“Yeah,” he paused unsure if now was a good time to throw a real crazy curve ball at her, “Well, I was praying, you know, like Jasmina said.” Allen felt like such an idiot for what he was about to say. He imagined himself hearing this from someone else and thinking they must have been on drugs or some zealot.
“Yeah, go on,” Nancy prodded.
“Well-, I was praying and, you know talking, like talking to Marie, and, well, I could swear I felt her near me… out there in the waiting room.” He thought this was a safe place to start and waited for her reaction.
Allen could tell she switched gears in her mind as she considered this. She looked at Marie in the bed and then back at him. Nancy answered, “Well, we had both agreed we felt that before. So that’s good. Is that it?” She had to ask that.
“Nooo,” he stretched that out as long as feasible before adding the next part. “I think I could see her for a minute. Her, her spirit. Sitting on the ground in front of me. Just for a second. She smiled at me, too.” He held his breath waiting for her reaction this time.
Nancy just looked at him without reacting visibly. Inside her mind was racing. Maybe it was true. Maybe he was right. Maybe Marie was trapped in a spirit world. Then she reeled herself in and said, “Hm. And you didn’t take any of your pain pills this morning?”
He laughed and broke the tension, “No. Seriously. I’m not really prone to seeing ghosts or unicorns or anything like that. But, I know it was her. We have to keep trying.”
She settled back in her chair and tried to throw off logic a minute, “Well. I guess I’m jealous then.” She glared at him sarcastically. He laughed at that.
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