by N. Schwalbe
Tom dropped his eyes.
Despite the huge piece of cake in his mouth, the lump in his throat made it impossible to answer.
»And if she won’t calm down?« Florentine looked at them questioningly.
»Then life goes on,« Peter answered and squeezed Tom’s hand, »We’ll help you, son!«
***
»Hi!« Zoe smiled shyly.
She felt stupid to meet a man after so many years being married but, finally, Sandra has talked her in. And she really needed to take her mind off things.
»Hi!« Emiliano kissed her cheek sheepily. »What do you want to drink?«
»Wine, please.« Zoe felt the urgent need to relax and what was better than some alcohol.
Emiliano ordered some wine and a shell with nibbles. »You look staggering.«
»Thanks, I can return that compliment. But my Grandma has always warned me of men who look as handsome as you do.«
Emiliano smiled modestly. »Why?«
»You’ll never have attractive men on your own,« Zoe replied thinking of Tom.
Emiliano leaned back so that the waitress could give them their glasses. He did not take his eyes off Zoe one single moment. »I’ve got only one woman at a time. Everything else would be too strenuous.«
»What about men?«
Emiliano raised his brows in surprise. »What’s up with them?«
»Do you fancy men?«
Emiliano laughed out loud. »No. Otherwise, I wouldn’t sit here together with you.«
»And you’re not bisexual?« Zoe persisted.
She did not want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire.
»No, good Lord!« Emiliano answered very clearly. »I’m not even bisexual.«
The waitress brought a bottle of wine and a shell with different nuts and chips.
»Disappointed?« Emiliano asked.
»No,« Zoe said smiling, »relieved.«
»Will you explain that to me?«
Zoe sighed. »Tom, my estranged husband, has fallen in love with a man.«
Emiliano pricked his ears. »Tom? Tom Weidemeyer?«
Zoe nodded. »Do you know him?«
»He’s the highlight under us colleagues!«
»Oh.« Silent, Zoe played with the stem of her wineglass.
Emiliano caressed her hand back. »Lucky for me, I’d say.«
Zoe looked up.
Slowly, she smiled.
»In earlier times, I would have put on a clown’s nose to move you to a charming smile. Beautiful women like you shouldn’t be sad. My Grandma has always said ‘if a door closes, a window will open’.« Emiliano raised his glass.
»That’s not correct,« Zoe said shaking her head, »not a window will open.«
»No?«
Zoe shook her head now vehemently and laughed. »It’s said, ‘if a door closes, another one will open’.«
»I’d love to be your next door,« Emiliano said grinning.
Zoe laughed. »Probably, you better should stay behind the door. I’m not sure whether being a door is that amusing, to be precise.«
Emiliano smiled and lifted his glass again. »Cheers, to what’s behind the door!«
»Yes, cheers!«
***
Tom threw his bag on the bench and started to get undressed.
Mark popped his head around the door. »Hello, Tom! Could you come into my office, please?«
»Sure.« Tom waved at him, slipped into his tracksuit and fetched his sports shoes out of his bag.
A door slammed behind him.
Steps approached.
Tom looked over his shoulder. »Hello Robin!«
»Hm.«
»Have you already finished your training or do we fight one more round?«
»No time.«
Astonished, Tom looked after him. He put his bag into his spint and went over to Mark’s office.
He knocked at the door and entered the dark room.
Mark looked up from his work and hinted at a smile. »Sit down!«
»What’s up, any problems with the tournament preparations?«
Mark shook his head. »No.« He folded his hands and nervously blew through them.
»Do you need an advice? Are we talking about the show fights in Lüneburg?« Tom slid on his chair.
Mark sighed. »Okay, Tom! We are talking about…for God’s sake, how am I supposed to say that?«
»Out with it!« Tom proposed.
He had not got the faintest idea what his first chairman wanted from him.
»Okay, a few members have proposed to dismiss you as our second chairman and to conduct elections.«
Thunderstruck, Tom gazed at him. »You’re not serious?«
Mark shrugged.
Embarrassed, he twiddled his pen through his fingers.
Tom stood up. »If that’s all, I’ll train now.«
»Do this…if you find a partner…«
Tom stood rooted to the spot. »What does that mean?«
»You’re number one club conversation since you’ve snogged around openly in all magazines – with a man,« he added.
»I don’t have snogged around in the magazines.«
»My God, Tom,« Mark cried out, »it’s a men’s club here. Our members fear any physical contact with…queers.« Mark emphasized the last word as if he would get plague boils from sheer saying it.
»What are you saying?« Tom asked softly.
»You’ve got me, Tom. The guys don’t want to have queers in here.«
»I have neither leprosy nor some contagious disease. Have you all gone off your nuts?« Tom’s thorax rose and dropped vehemently. He looked at that man in amazement with whom he had trained for twenty years now.
Mark fell silent.
Tom rolled his eyes and left. »That’s kindergarten shit!«
There was a sudden hush in the great hall as Tom left the office. Determined, he went over to Robin and Tim. Both stepped back as if they were forced to flee from a toxic snake.
»Robin, Tim, do you want to train with me?«
Both shook their head.
Tom turned around. »Is there anyone who wants to train with me?«
Nobody answered.
A few men shook their heads; others folded their arms to emphasize their disapproval.
»We’ve trained with each other for years now. Can anyone tell me what’s wrong?« Tom asked.
»You’re asking that?« Bruno called over to him. Hostile, almost contemptuous, he gazed at him.
»This is a men’s sport,« Tomas said, hiding behind Michael and Alexander.
Tom screwed up his eyes. »A-a-a-n-d…?«
»That’s nothing for wimps.«
»Wimps? You mean queers,« Tom corrected Tim with clenched teeth.
»Queers, fags, cocksucker,…« Kain said angry.
Tom opened his mouth, closed it and opened it again. »Asshole!«
He turned on his heels, got his bag and left the club.
***
»Good morning, Mrs Moehrensell!« Tom shook hands with Anton’s teacher and sat down. »You wanted to speak to me urgently?«
»Yes, Mr Weidemeyer. Great, you could come so quickly.« Mrs Moehrensell pushed her gilt-edged glasses back up her nose and fished out some papers. »Anton has partly or completely played hookey for one week now. Do you know why?«
Tom blew up his cheeks. »He has told nothing at home. He’s been leaving the house in the mornings and has been coming back home in the afternoons just in time.«
»Oh, he’s been coming to school,« Mrs Moehrensell objected, »but he’s been only participating in subjects he wants to do.«
»What subjects?«
»Math, German, Music and art.«
»Who’s teaching the other subjects?«
»Mr Mann gives biology, Mr Mueller physics, Mr Damm chemistry…« Mrs Moehrensell breathed in but Tom interrupted her with a short gesture. »All male teacher?«
The teacher nodded in surprise.
»Understand. Mrs Moehrensell,
I’ll talk to Anton. I’d like to hear his reasons first.« Of course, he knew long since that Anton got wind of Luca and him.
»That goes without saying, Mr Weidemeyer. Thank you very much for taking some time.«
They shook hands and Tom left.
As soon as he was outside on the street, he got out his cellphone. On a sudden impulse, he dialed Zoe’s number, but she did not answer - of course, not.
Now, she lived at her sister and steered clear of him. Tom sighed and put it back into his pocket. Then, he went to the car.
***
Anton was whistling to himself as he entered the kitchen.
Tom sat at the table. He has waited for his son to come home. »Where do you come from?«
Anton played innocent. »From school.«
Tom pointed at the wall clock. »It’s four in the afternoon. School finished at one.«
Anton casually shrugged his shoulders. »You needn’t care.«
»But I do.« Tom stood up. »Today, I was at school talking to your teacher, Mrs Moehrensell.«
»And…?«
»You’re playing hookey?«
»That’s none of your business.«
Tom banged his fist on the table. »You bet it’s my business! As long as you won’t stand on your own two feet you do what I say. You’re thirteen years old and lie under the compulsory education. That means you’re participating in lessons, no matter if the teacher is male or female.« Tom closed his eyes for a second. Now, he has spoken just like his father had done when he was a child. And he had sworn to himself never to do this parental talk.
Anton reacted just like Tom did back then. He folded his arms stubbornly. »Then, I’ll move to Grandma.«
»Oh, and you think you no longer need to go to school if you live with your grandma?« Tom laughed out maliciously. »You’re thirteen, Anton.«
»And you are…« Anton stopped talking. Scared, he desisted.
Anger crept up in Tom bit by bit.
What on earth had gotten into him?
»May I move to Grandma?«
»No. Why should you?«
»Because you’re gay,« Anton spitted in his father’s face.
Tom opened and closed his mouth like a carp.
Had the whole world gone mad?
He was still the same.
Okay, he screwed now no pussy but a brill ass – Luca’s brill ass – but despite this, he had still the same character, he was the same person, for God’s sake!
Why did he meet rejection everywhere?
If people reacted like this he did not wonder that men let out their homosexual inclinations in secret.
That was unbearable!
Tom went up to Anton, but his son moved back. »Anton…please!«
»Don’t!«
»I’m sorry Mom moved out.«
»Let Mom alone! She has nothing to do with that. She’s the good one…« Anton broke off. Tears welled up in his eyes.
Tom sighed. »I’ve fallen in love with a man…yes…but I’m still your father. I’m still the same. I fathered you, carried you, rocked you to sleep, changed your diapers, feed you, I was there when you were ill, we scuffled,« at a snail’s pace, Tom went up to Anton, »Played football, made cycling tours…«
»Stay there and don’t touch me!«
»I’m not suffering from a contagious disease,« Tom said with clenched teeth. »I’m just in love with a man.«
»You’re gay, Dad, and you can’t even say that yourself.«
Anton’s finding hit home.
He was right!
He was somehow queer and could not even bring himself to say it.
Tom sat down and buried his face in his hands. Everything around him broke in pieces.
Was that the price he had to pay because he loved Luca?
Was there a God who let him suffer as a punishment, who sat somewhere in the universe playing with a handle to torture him?
»You’re right, Anton! I…,« Tom looked up, »I’m gay. I love a man and I’m not particularly proud of it. Probably, I’ll pay my bill for it someday, presumably even now, but my feelings are too strong.«
Anton turned on his heels and left his father in the kitchen.
Tom was softly crying when a little hand landed on his shoulder.
He looked up.
Benno stood next to him. »Sometimes, penguins are gay, too, Daddy.«
Tom smiled wryly.
Benno embraced him and stroke over his back. »I love you all the same, Daddy.«
»Thank you, son,« Tom sobbed. Suddenly, he felt two additional hands. »I love you, too, Daddy,« Penny said softly and kissed him. »Daddy?«
»Yes, sweetie,« Tom sniffed.
»What is ›gay‹?«
»When a man loves a man,« Benno answered seriously. »There are even monkeys who are gay sometimes. They’re called bonobos and almost look like chimpanzees, these are apes, Penny.«
»And who do you love, Daddy?« Penny asked stroking her father compassionately.
»Mom,« Maja answered embracing her father.
Tom caressed her shoulders. »Yes, I love your Mom very much. But I…I…«
»You also love Luca,« Benno finished his sentence.
Tom nodded.
»I love him, too,« Penny vowed with big eyes. »And later, when I’m grown up, I’ll marry him.«
»I know what is fourteen multiplied by nine, Daddy,« Benno said as if this problem was the most important thing in the world right now.
»One-hundred-twenty-six,« he said.
»That’s not important now,« Maja interjected.
Benno pulled a face. »Why? I also know how to write ›tiger python‹.« Slowly, he started spelling.
Tom wiped away his tears. »Benno is right, Maja. Let’s see to more important things than being gay. You can calculate and spell very well, Benno. I’m proud of you!«
Benno nodded loftily.
»I’m gay, too,« Penny said severely.
Benno shook his head. »That’s impossible, Penny. You’re a girl.«
»But I love Daddy,« Penny said, grinning at her father.
Tom tousled her hair. »I love you, too, my dear. And now, we’ll go and comb your hair.«
»Nope, Daddy, I’m beautiful without.« Penny slipped from his lap and went to pore over books together with her brother.
»Will Mom come back?«
Tom shrugged. »I don’t know, Maja. Do you want to live with her?«
Now, Maja shook her head. »No, I’ll stay with you. You need someone now who’s taking care of you.« Tears welled up in his eyes again.
Damn, tears came easily to him today!
***
Tom had just brought Penny into the kindergarten as his cellphone rang.
»Hello?«
»Hi, this is Franz. Luca is supposed to land in half an hour at Hamburg’s airport. I thought this might be of interest for you.«
»Thanks,« Tom said touched. »Do you think I could meet him at the airport?«
»Theoretically yes but I’m afraid you won’t get close to him – without uniform. After these headlines, we have ensured special police protection for him.«
»Okay.« Tom roughly calculated how long he would need to get to the police station to get his uniform and to drive to the airport.
He would not manage in half an hour!
»Just wait for him at his apartment. I’m sure he’ll be very pleased. He could hardly wait to leave Australia to see you again,« Franz laughed out loud.
»I’ll hurry up. Franz?«
»Yes?«
»Thanks.«
»You’re welcome.«
Tom stowed away his cellphone and jumped into the car. He drove home with screeching wheels, showered and drove to Luca’s apartment.
When he was arriving, an old woman came out of the house and held the door open for him.
Tom slipped into the house and went upstairs.
He looked at his watch.
Luca must have landed right
now but, nevertheless, he rang the bell.
Nobody opened.
Tom leaned against the door and waited.
Twenty minutes later, the front door on the first floor was opened.
Steps approached.
Tom’s heart leapt.
Would he feel the same after three weeks of social hell?
What would he do if his feelings have been pure imagination and now he had put everything at risk? Probably, Luca did not want him anymore!
After all, he did not tell him that he’ll be back today.
When Luca saw Tom standing in front of his apartment, he stopped in the middle of the staircase.
»I…don’t believe this,« he said, barely audible.
Tom’s heart was shortly before an explosion.
Butterflies flew loops through his stomach and if Luca will not show a little more positive reaction, he might die.
Luca dropped his bag and jumped up the stairs, taking two steps at once. He ran towards Tom and flung his arms around his neck. »God, Tom!«
A loud sob was heard.
»Are you crying?« Luca let go of to look at Tom.
»I’ve still Australian grains of sand in my eyes. They need to be rinsed out.«
Tom grinned, then, he leaned forward. As their lips met, Tom felt the same butterflies in his stomach as three weeks before. Fire rushed into his loins and, immediately, he wished this damn door would not be between them and their private sphere.
»Let’s go inside,« he said hoarsely.
Luca nodded and got his key out of his pocket.
Tom picked up his luggage while he unlocked the door. »I thought, you won’t be back until next week,« Tom said putting down the heavy bag in the hall.
Luca smiled. »God, I yearned for you.«
Tom was taken aback. »That’s not answering my question.«
»Was that a question?«
Luca grabbed Tom’s belt and pulled him into his arms, before Tom could answer. »I pulled myself together so that the scenes were quicker in the can and here I am!«
»You’ve left the beautiful, exciting Australia of your own free will?« Tom joked.
»Yes, but only because the handsome, exciting man I love, is all alone in the lion’s den and probably needs my support.« Luca kissed Tom.
Now, tears welled up in Tom’s eyes again. He wiped them away quickly but Luca did not miss the gesture. »I knew you’re in trouble! The whole time I had this silly feeling, and you’ve been so short with me on the phone.«