Missed Connection

by K Larsen

  “Everyone okay with pasta and bacon?” I ask.

  I get a resounding yes from all three people, so I start pulling out what I will need. I can’t botch this. I want it to be robust with flavor and to look nice, too. I don’t need to impress Jess, but I’d like to. I put a large pot of water on to boil before browning the pancetta and bacon in olive oil. While that’s underway, I beat some eggs and put a ladleful of boiling water into them. I can’t believe Jess is bipolar. I would have never guessed. She doesn’t seem off kilter at all. When the pasta’s done, I mix all the ingredients together with some heavy cream, salt, pepper and garlic. She shared her baggage and I’m feeling guilty for not having the guts to share mine yet. I should have told her in the car but I didn’t want to draw the attention away from her. The kitchen smells amazing and my mouth is watering. I’m impressed with myself. I resolve to tell her after dinner, when the kids take off for a little bit. It has to happen.

  “Luke!” I shout over my shoulder. “Set the table, will ya?” There is a grunt and footsteps shuffling in my direction, so I assume he heard me.

  Jess walks in and sidles up behind me. “How can I help?” She slips her arms through mine and kisses my shoulder blade.

  I turn slightly and kiss her forehead. “No, no, you’re a guest. Your job is to sit and relax.”

  “Titan.” Jess narrows those sky blue eyes at me.

  “Okay, your job is to entertain Angie,” I say with a smile. She shakes her head at me but marches back toward the living room. I don’t want her to do anything. I think, for once, it’s her turn to sit back and let someone take care of things.

  “Anything else?” Luke asks. I pour the carbonara into a serving dish and nod.

  “Drink orders for the ladies.” Luke yells to them, asking what they want. Not exactly what I had in mind but I’m glad he’s treating them like he would any other family or friends.

  Our dinner is surprisingly comfortable. Angie makes fun of the pictures along the dining room wall from when Luke was younger. Jess and I make a toast. Everyone oh’s and ah’s over the carbonara. We talk about how awesome the resort was, and get more detailed reports from the kids about what they did. All in all, it feels like a family dinner that’s happened every night for the last twenty years. It’s strange. A good strange, but strange nonetheless. I expected more awkwardness. I expected some hiccup or hang up between the kids not liking either me, or Jess or each other. I expected a lot of things once I knew the four of us were going to spend time together but I didn’t expect that everything would be perfectly smooth and affable. It almost makes telling Jess that much harder. I’m about to throw a wrench in things.

  Luke took Angie to hang out in town with his friends and show her around. He was really excited because his friends would think she’s hot. Angie was a good sport though and even touched up her make-up before leaving with him.

  “Let’s go into the living room,” I tell Jess. She smiles and grabs our glasses of water before heading in. I watch as she sinks into the couch. She’s perfect and it’s going to be hard to shatter the angel sitting before me. I’m bad at this stuff and I’m trying to think of how to tell her when she pats the sofa cushion next to her.

  “I have Hepatitis C,” I blurt. I plop down on the old sofa, stretching my legs out and crossing them on the coffee table. Sinking back, I close my eyes, and rest my head against the cushion, hoping for some relief. I let the weight of my words sink in. Jess remains silent. “I had it for years before I was diagnosed. Last year, I started a new trial treatment. In the beginning, the results were hopeful. My liver function got close to normal and my viral load dropped. Last month my viral load skyrocketed, bringing me closer to cirrhosis. My blood tests still show high viral counts and liver inflammation. My platelet count is low, and my blood isn’t clotting normally, because of the liver damage. I have a biopsy this week to see how my liver is looking these days.” I open my eyes and find Jess staring at me. Eyes brimming with unshed tears. I decide to plow onward because I need to get this all out.

  “I don’t know how much you know about it, but it’s usually spread when blood from a person infected with it, enters the body of someone who is not infected. Think unsterile tattoo parlors, needle sharing or transfusions gone bad.” I take Jess’s hands in mine. “People can live with Hep C for a lifetime now. The treatments have come a long way.”

  “Is it, can it be sexually transmitted?” she asks and runs her fingers through her hair.

  “It could, but it’s not likely. Better to use protection and be safe. One of the other patients in the trial study with me, just knocked up his wife and she did not contract it—and neither will the baby. But, if there is any blood contact, it’s just not worth it to me, Jess, to mess around like that with your health.”

  “Is this why you didn’t . . .”

  I cut her off. “Yes. I didn’t have condoms with me. I thought it was a weekend away with Luke. It nearly killed me not being inside you that night. There is absolutely no evidence that hepatitis can be transmitted through oral sex. I would never put you at risk. Never without your consent.”

  “So oral sex is safe?”

  “One hundred percent,” I tell her with assurance.

  “That’s good,” she says, with a glint of mischievousness crossing her face.

  “God, even after I woke up and you were gone, I was hard again. Torture, I tell you.” I give her a grin. “If you feel at all uncomfortable, I can set you up a phone call with my doctor to answer any questions.”

  “No, Ty. I trust you. If you say it’s safe—you know better than anyone.”

  Her eyebrows furrow and I have an urge to smooth them out. To soothe her somehow but I know she needs to process everything I’ve just shared. “But you don’t seem sick? Are you suffering? I don’t really know anything about Hep C. Please tell me you’re not dying.”

  I stroke her thigh gently. “There’s plenty to learn and you will—but no, I’m not dying right now. We just need to be careful and I need to stay vigilant with my health and this trial I’m doing.”

  Jess pushes her fingers through her hair. I’m beginning to think that’s a nervous habit. “How did you get it?”

  “I don’t know. Could have been from the tattoo parlor, could have been a blood transfusion after the car accident all those years ago, who knows? I wasted a lot of time trying to answer that question and getting angry about it, but eventually, I had to let it go because I will never know.”

  “Did you use drugs? Did you get it from sharing needles?”

  “Definitely not. I was never an addict. Tried some stuff in my early twenties but I never injected.”

  “Ty, I’m so sorry.” I slide my feet to the floor and turn so I can pull Jess into my arms. She sinks into my embrace and I know everything will be okay. She didn’t run screaming. She didn’t scrunch her nose in disgust. She didn’t say it was too much to handle.

  “Don’t be. It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault. It just is.”

  She nuzzles into my chest. I inhale her scent and kiss the crown of her head. “We have approximately two hours before the kids return and I’ve been dying to feel you. All our skeletons are out now, Jess, let’s go upstairs.”

  He grabs my hand and I follow him up the refinished wood stairs. I’m in a daze from what he’s told me, but strangely, I’m not scared. On the contrary, I feel a need to confirm to Ty that I’m not afraid of his body, that even if he’s sick, his body is sacred to me and I want to show him how much I want it. But I am terrified for him and what this could mean. Will a trial cure him for good? Is he destined for an early death or degeneration because of the virus—or is it dormant enough that it’s just a technicality and cannot affect his life?

  He opens the door to his bedroom and it smells just like him. Old Spice, drug store soap, maybe cinnamon and cardamom. His bed is made and the décor is minimal, dark slate colored drapes, dark slate colored everything. He’s got an en suite bathroom and a nightstand on
each side of the bed. There are condoms in those drawers. I haven’t seen a condom in years.

  “Jess, if you’re hesitant or uncomfortable, please let me know. I don’t want any pressure or to rush things.”

  “I’m sure. I’ve been sure since the night I met you. I missed my chance back then; I’m not letting another night go by without you.

  “Thanks for trusting me,” he says, looking deep into my eyes. Ty has a way of making me feel like my life is just beginning, forty years in and he gives me the sense that my whole future lays ahead of me. “I would never put you at risk. If it were even dangerous. No matter how badly I want you, I don’t take it lightly. I wouldn’t chance it.”

  “I’m ready. I want this for us.”

  Last week, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to actually meet him. I thought it would taint the magic I could feel through his texts and emails—the decades old memories of our one chance encounter. But now, after only three days, Ty is more than I imagined. He makes me want a future for myself instead of just living vicariously through my daughter.

  “Can I tell you, without sounding juvenile, that you are the most beautiful woman I’ve even seen in my life?”

  “You can tell me, but I probably won’t believe you. Let’s talk about you and that body of yours. You’ve gotten better with age, in every way possible.”

  He pulls me close to his wide and warm chest, circles his arms around my back and kisses my head. He runs his fingers through my hair and pulls a small section apart with his middle and pointer finger. “It’s like spun gold, not a white hair in sight.”

  “I think both Angie and I were meant to be redheads, but our DNA didn’t get the whole message.”

  “I like it like this. Blonde like a sunflower. Like you’re wearing a permanent halo.”

  His fingers press up from the nape of my neck into the base of my skull, massaging with a pressure that makes me weak in the knees and my body melt into his. He scratches my scalp with all five fingers and I relax more than I knew I could. I make a sound of pleasure that come out like a purr. Burying my face in his neck, I kiss him there and slide my hands up under the back of his sweater.

  “I give good head . . . massages.” Ty says, his lips bearing a sly smile.

  “You are so good at both,” I gush and his tongue pushes into my mouth. Ty kisses like a man much younger than his years, he thrusts deep and uses his tongue and soft suction to draw me into a state of frenzied arousal. It’s strange to me, that with a kiss, he can simulate sex; even more foreign still, the way he can get me wet with just his mouth on my mouth, his lips tasting my lips. He walks me backward until the back of my knees hit the bed. I fall back into the soft down comforter and I push myself up until my head reaches the pillows. I’m rewarded with his sweet and spicy scent all around me. I flip on my stomach, hide my face and inhale deeply. Ty’s hands come under my stomach and unfasten my jeans.

  “Are you hiding from me or showing me your butt?”

  “Both,” I giggle. My skin sensitizes with gooseflesh as he removes my clothes.

  “Turn over, Jess. I want to see your face.”

  I flip onto my back and help him lift my tunic over my head. I like the way he looks at me. No, I love it. I feel resplendent, beautiful, young and hopeful under his gaze. I don’t know how he does it but I hope that my eyes on him bring him a fraction of what his do to me.

  Ty strips down to his boxers and planks over me, holding his whole body just inches from mine. His biceps bulge, his cock is hard, he looks so virile and strong. I can’t image that there’s a virus that’s silently attacking his body. His beautiful body that I’ve come to adore in the little time we’ve shared. I feel desperate, frustrated, overwrought with emotion and longing. Linking my arms behind his neck, I pull him to me and wrap my legs around his back. His full weight bearing down on me is enough to crush the breath out of my chest.

  “I’m scared for you,” I whisper into his ear. Then I attack him with the kind of persuasive kiss he kisses me with. I suck his tongue into my mouth and press my hips into his until I’m lost in his body, his scent, his husky manliness.

  “Do you want me to answer that, Jesenia?” he asks me when we surface for air.

  “I want you to be okay. I can’t stand the thought of you suffering.” His eyes look sad, he nods his head and travels his kisses down my neck and over my collarbone. He pulls back the light blush-colored bra I have on and my nipple puckers in response to the cold air and anticipation of his mouth.

  “God, this lingerie that’s so close to your skin color, makes me lose my mind. All I can think about is being inside you.” And truly, that’s all I want, too. My insides are like gasoline and each time Ty touches and caresses me, is a match. I’m blazing like a bonfire at my core.

  When he pulls one erect nipple into his mouth, I gasp and grind and arch my back, offering the nipple up more. Ty uses his teeth to lightly scrape it and then extends his tongue fully and laps at it, flattening my breast out. The sensation is so potent, I feel like I might come in my underwear.

  “Oh, God!” I breathe and he pulls the other bra strap off of my shoulder. He squeezes my breast, licks and then thumbs the nipple. I tilt my pelvis, arch my back and tip my head back all at once. Again, I’m pushing my breast into his hungry mouth and rotating my hips, shamelessly pressing my crotch onto his hard bulge. With Ty, I’m overcome with something I haven’t felt in years. Lust, making my teeth itch, the back of my throat scream and my body behave like it doesn’t even belong to me.

  He tortures my nipple and I brush my nails down the expanse of his back. His brown skin, his rough hands, his solid muscles are driving me into a heady intoxication. He’s not all that gentle with me either and instead of invoking fear, it makes me feel more daring. I tug at his boxers and pull them over his round butt. My hands, with a mind of their own, greedily massage and grab the flesh I’ve been dying to touch. He reaches down a hand and hurriedly yanks them off. Then, he’s at my entrance, and all it would take is one thrust. I’m wet enough to receive him and more than eager enough. But he presses on my hips with both of his hands and sits up until he’s straddling my hips. His erection is enormous, his cock pulsing with anticipation. I lick my lips and grind again into nothing.

  “Condom. Sorry, it’s non-negotiable. I’ll protect you from me, even when you beg me not to. And believe me, you’ll beg; I’ll make you. A lot. But even if you cry, I will never gamble with your safety.”

  He leans into the night stand and the gorgeous erection presses up high onto my pale belly. Its heat and hardness make my head swim and I reach down to touch it. He sits back up, suddenly pulling it away. He tosses the gold square onto my stomach and it feels cold and foreign in contrast to his cock.

  “Here, you put it on me,” Ty winks and smiles. I smile back and decide that condoms aren’t that bad after all.

  The sight of Jess’s small, creamy hands rolling a condom on me is enough to bring me to my knees, if I weren’t already on them. She takes her time. Her tongue darts out and wets her lip. I lean down to her mouth as her hands leave my shaft. Taking her bottom lip between my teeth, I bite gently and pull. The moan that escapes her, drives me wild. Her eyes are barely open, as I let go of her lip and nibble my way down her body. I want her teased to the point of begging. I want to taste every inch of her before I let myself sink inside of her. I want so many things but I’m not sure I have the willpower to wait any longer. We’ve waited twenty years for the culmination of this desire.

  “Please, Ty.”

  “Please what?” I tease. I lick the underside of her breast and goosebumps break out along her skin.

  “I want you.” Her voice is husky and wild sounding. Like she’s a different person. Lost in desire. It’s the best sound I’ve heard.

  “You have me,” I answer before taking her nipple into my mouth. She raises her head and wiggles beneath me.

  “Inside me,” she says. She’s resorted to begging. Which is good because I’m not su
re how much longer I could have teased her anyway. I rest back on my knees and wrap my hands around her ankles. She watches as I lift each leg and place them on my shoulders. With one hand, I spread her wide as the other guides me in. She’s tight and warm and hugs the entire length of me. I push in and withdraw slowly a few times. Her perfect toes curl. I put my hands at either side of her head and thrust. Jess, folded somewhat in half, gasps.

  “Is that good?” She nods her head quickly. “Hold the backs of your knees, baby.”

  I kiss her lips and thrust again, deeper this time. Her lips stop moving against mine and her breath stops. “Breathe, Jess.” Her hands leave her legs and she reaches around and claws at my backside. I speed up my rhythm.

  “Do not stop, Titan,” she pants.

  “Never.” I slam into her again and keep a steady pace this time. She squeaks, and moans and the headboard thumps the wall behind us. The sway of her breasts has me hypnotized. When I find the wherewithal to look away from them, I find her eyes burning into mine. Devotion. Need. Here we are, together, finally.

  I hold her gaze and pick up my pace more. I will never last like this. She turns my insides outward. My brain doesn’t exist. We are carnal, primal, skin and need, meeting in a hurricane of longing. A woman whom I have fantasized about endlessly, beneath me in the flesh, taking every inch of me. My balls tighten, her muscles contract and she goes rigid beneath me. Her legs drop from my shoulders and wrap around my waist. Hands come to my shoulders and clutch with a strength I couldn’t have imagined she had. She moans sweetly, powerfully. Her eyes have gone glassy and lost in the sea of feeling and memory that we’re both drifting in. Crushing her petite body to me, I pump into her desperately and stop deep inside as my orgasm hits me. Jess’s back is arched. Her muscles squeeze my cock, milking it spastically as her orgasm tapers off. I slowly grind in circles until she relaxes. I don’t want to stop taking her, even after I come. She shivers and gives me a lazy smile as we both gently fall back down to earth.