by K Larsen
“I haven’t slept since you left. Not a wink.”
“You haven’t slept in three days?” I can picture him sitting straight up.
“A while, I know.”
“Does that mean you’re manic? Are you having an episode?”
“Probably, but I don’t like that word. The borders are so blurry and undefined and it’s not a great way to describe it anyway. It’s not a solid state of being—it’s more like a cloud. A cloud that hovers and won’t let me sleep.”
“Jess, I’m here for you. What’s the best thing for me to do? Should I drive up to the City? Are you safe?”
My eyes are expressing tears but I’m smiling into the phone. Crazy, I may be, but that is the nicest anyone has ever been to me about my disease.
“Oh, love. I’m safe. I’m not operating heavy machinery and I know better than to drive on days like these. At some point, I’ll crash. I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“Alright, well in that case, I’ll keep talking. You sound out of breath, were you running?”
“No, I got worked up. I was thinking about you and our bed and how you make me feel. The things you do with your hands and your mouth.”
“Turned on? Horny? That’s what you mean by worked up?”
“Yes. I don’t own a dildo. I never have.”
“I can help you with that. You have Facetime, right?” I can hear the smile in his voice and the distinct note of pleasure. I was wet before and now I feel like I’m so turned on, I could climax just from hearing him speak.
“I’m too shy!” I’m startled by his suggestion, it’s not what I expected.
“Let’s get you tired out, Jess. I’ll exhaust you, so you can get some sleep. I’m Facetime-ing you right now. You’d better pick up!”
My phone rings and Ty’s face appears immediately. I’m almost expecting something obscene from the get go, but it’s just his sweet face, so I’m the one with a dirty mind. But I know what’s coming and I feel simultaneously out of my league and too old, yet more excited than ever. More excited than when Angie and I first did the show, maybe even more excited than when Ty appeared out of nowhere, when we were stuck with a flat tire.
“Ty, can you hear me okay?” I ask.
He releases a warm and booming laugh. It puts my heart at ease.
“It’s not a walkie-talkie, you’re coming in fine.”
“I’m so excited! And nervous, but excited, too,” I’m completely failing at expressing myself.
“You look so gorgeous. Is that a nightie you’re wearing?”
He’s sweet, but I know I look crazy. Not sleeping does make my eyes go all bright, but in a deranged sort of way. My hair is tousled—clean—but not styled once in the last three days. I’m alert. Like a rabbit. Too alert. Vigilant. I could take a pill to bring me down. But I hardly ever do. A few occasions in the past, a Valium or Xanax, for a state dinner or event—something to help me crash before we went on a trip, when I hadn’t been sleeping for days on end.
I don’t need anything now. I’m happy, albeit jittery, maybe a little too sped up. I’m rational and lucid. I’ve got nothing to hide and nothing to prove to anyone. I’m already on the downside of this upswing, it won’t last much longer.
“Are we having phone sex?” I ask Ty, feeling shy and adventurous all at once.
“We’re doing whatever we want—whatever makes us feel good.”
“I’m, uh . . . I’m aroused. I can’t say the other word. I searched three closets for a toy—I thought I remembered having one in college.”
“We’ll get you some new ones, until we can be together all the time. I don’t want you suffering with being aroused and nothing to fix it.”
“Fine, horny. But, I don’t like the way it sounds.”
“It sounds good to me!”
He’s laughing still. He sounds so sexy, all amused and yet sleepy. I want to crawl in bed with him and snuggle into his body. I do sit on my own bed, even though I’ve been hating the empty, Titan-less bed, ever since he left.
“One stipulation, when you use it, or anything, even your hand; you have to be thinking of me.”
My heartbeat catches a little because it sounds so domineering. I like Ty possessive. I like him telling me how he wants things.
“Of course, what else?”
“Are you wearing panties?”
“I am.” I can’t help but smile. I feel like a naughty kid.
“Slide them off slowly; over your thighs, down your calves, ankles and toes. Hold them up to the phone, so I can see. I want to see if they’re wet, if you’re wet for me.”
You can do this, I tell myself. You trust him with your secrets and your faults. Let go of your inhibitions. Ty would never belittle you.
I pull my panties off just like he said. I hold them up to the phone so he can inspect them. Sure enough, they are slick with my arousal.
“Take your top off and slip under the sheets naked,” Ty says, carefully. His voice is assertive, self-assured and almost domineering. I like it. I like him like this. I do as he says and slip in naked between the cold sheets. The sensation is exhilarating. My flesh is a plane of reception, hyper vigilant, awaiting Ty’s hands, or in his absence, perhaps just his commands.
“Jesenia, my cock is so hard. I’m stroking it now. Let me show you how hard I am, just thinking about you waiting for me, your pussy wet and ready.”
I hold my breath when he speaks. My thoughts seem to slow and come into a steady focus. I’m looking at Ty’s penis, his strong hand moving up and down it. There’s not a lot of light and the image comes across grainy and with a shade of green that’s not there in real life, but the effect is mesmerizing, it somehow heightens the mood. I reach out to the bedside lamp and twist the switch between my fingers. I feel delicate and feminine, yet I long to be crushed by him.
My fingers find their way to my nipples and I squeeze them into points. I focus the phone on them but I have no idea if he’s even looking or just stroking himself.
“Show me your lips, I want to watch your fingers run through them. Are your nails painted?”
“Red,” I say.
“Perfect. Do it.”
The image of bright, red nails and soft pink flesh makes me dizzy. Bending up my knees, I toss off the covers. One hand slips to my sensitive flesh and I balance the phone on my knee, aiming the camera to try to give him full view of my wet center.
“Christ, Jesenia. You are perfect. Use two fingers inside. I want to see them slip in and out.”
I cry out in pleasure from him talking dirty. I want to tear him apart. Bite him. Punch him. Fuck him and kiss him hard. I want to let him take me brutally. I want him to worship me and hurt me, to love me, to humiliate and bruise me. My thoughts are out of control, but crazy has never felt so good.
“That’s right, baby. Fuck yourself good.”
I whine and cry out, doing what he says. I drop the phone. I arch my hips in the air as my fingers slip deeper inside me. I can’t stop. It’s too much, as if the mania and my arousal have joined forces and taken me hostage.
“Jess, can you hear me?”
“I’m going to come. I’m coming!”
“I’m with you. Where do you want me to come? What part of your body?”
“In my mouth. Please? I don’t care if you’re sick. If your blood is contaminated, then I want to be contaminated with it. Come on my tongue. I want to taste you in my mouth. Slide all the way to the back and come down my throat.”
I’m a madwoman. I’ve never talked dirty in my life. Maybe I’m unhinged, my sanity gone, finally slipped off down the rabbit hole.
“Stick out your tongue but don’t stop fucking yourself. I want to unload on your face. On your lips and your tongue. So much that it drips down your chin and your neck—onto your tits.”
His voice and words hit the spot, perhaps even better than my fingers. I scream into the dimly lit bedroom, so loud the neighbors will likely think I’ve been murdered. I bite on my own knuc
kle to keep from spewing forth curses. I come harder every time with Ty—one of these days I’m bound to hurt myself.
“Jess, are you there? Everything okay?”
“Yes,” I whisper. So good.”
“I’m gonna grab a towel and pee. I’ll call you right back on your house phone.”
My head crashes back to the pillow without the weight of all my demons. They were frightened away by my Titan-fueled orgasm—they’re now quieter than they’ve been in three days.
A few minutes later the phone rings.
“Titan.”
“You feel any better or should we try again?”
“I’m sleepy. My eyelids feel heavy. Brain is finally quiet.”
“Good. I’m going to talk about boring stuff. Construction and accounting, until you fall asleep on the phone.”
“You mean the world to me. I already can’t imagine a life without you.”
“Shhh, baby, I’m here. Now try to sleep before I’m ready for round two.”
“Hey, Jess, I’m glad I caught you.”
“Hi, what’s up?”
“I don’t suppose you checked your email yet this morning?”
“I didn’t. Something going on?’
“Well, unbeknownst to me, Luke took it upon himself to invite you and Angie and her fiancé to Thanksgiving up here. That kid of mine, I swear he’s not normal. At fifteen you’re supposed to be separating from your parents and he’s playing matchmaker and setting up dinner parties.”
“He loves you, is all, and he’s had a slightly different experience from other kids his age. He appreciates family, is all I’m trying to say. It’s a good thing. Consider yourself lucky. I’d love to come. I might have to do some juggling with my schedule—run a prerecorded show that Friday, if possible.”
“I would love to spend the holidays together.” I notice how he says holidays and it makes my chest flutter. We’re moving forward fast, but we haven’t yet lost our footing.
“I don’t know about Angie and Andrew, I’ll call them and see.”
“Seems Luke already did and they RSVP’d.”
“Even Andrew?” I ask. It comes out more surprised sounding than I’d intended. I guess we’re a blended family now and Andrew will inevitably have to meet Titan. It’s unfortunate that he’s so close with John. I’m sure it will make Ty uncomfortable and we’ll all be wary that he’ll report back once he’s gone.
“What’s wrong with Andrew? Will we not get along?”
“No, I think you would. It’s just that he’s more or less sided with John. I think I’m on his shit list for stealing Angie that weekend. But it will have to happen sooner or later, so we might as well do it and make the best of the circumstances.”
“Anyway, read the email Luke sent, it’s a trip. The whole thing rhymes. I swear, he’s obsessed with the Van Buren ladies or something. I never taught him poetry—maybe Rory.”
“Maybe he just loves his family and he misses his mom. He probably wants to make the holidays memorable, you know, in case he ever has to deal with a loss like that again.” We’re both silent for a minute. I hear Titan breathe into the phone. The tension is thick and I know I have to ask him. I feel like he would have told me already if he’d gotten good news. “Did they give you the results for the biopsy, Ty, you still haven’t told me?”
“Uh, yeah. Inconclusive. Said they need to run some more tests. Getting information out of those guys is like pulling teeth, you know how it goes.”
“Tell me as soon as you hear anything, Titan. I’m your partner now and I want to be the first to know.”
“Of course, baby. I’ll let you know.”
I want to say I love you. I want to reach my arms through the distance and pull his head to my chest, to caress his temple. I want to make love to him all night, until we can’t anymore. Until our bodies hurt from touching and fall asleep in rebellion. I want to erase the distance between us and the obstacles we face. I want forever with Titan and deep inside, I’m in anguish, terrified that we’re already too late for it.
A million thoughts sweep through my brain in mere seconds, trying to decipher what I’m feeling. My palms are sweaty. My heart is racing. My breaths are shallow and quick. I can’t do this alone. I lied to her. I lied to Jess and it has my stomach in knots. I couldn’t tell her over the phone. And I didn’t want to worry her in the meantime by telling her we’d talk about it in person. In person means a holiday and I refuse to ruin a holiday, especially since I have so few left to celebrate.
They should be here any moment. Dan and his wife are setting the table. Rusty is with the boys in the living room and Edie is with me in the kitchen, prepping food.
“Are you excited or nervous to have them meet us all?” she asks.
I stop cutting potatoes and sigh. “Both,” I admit.
“Don’t be, Titan. I promise to kick Rusty under the table if he gets unruly and he’s the only one you really need to worry about anyway.” We both laugh and go back to prepping. She’s right. I shouldn’t be worried. The family we celebrate Thanksgiving with are friends but friends I’ve chosen to consider family. They are good, kind people who have supported me and lifted me up in the worst of times. Of course, Jess will like them. I’m more nervous that I have to see her today, knowing that I lied to her. In a way, I’ve lied to everyone here by not telling them about the biopsy results. Omission is still a lie, right?
I drop the potatoes into the boiling water and wipe my hands on a dish towel. Luke comes bounding into the kitchen. “They just pulled in!” I smile because his excitement is infectious. Edie pats my shoulder and pulls a piece of potato peel off my shirt before telling me now I can answer the door.
Luke swings the door wide and tackle hugs Angie, rambling a thousand, ‘I’m so happy you came,’ at her. Jess laughs and Andrew gives a half grin. I’m glad that he gets to see how much Luke and Angie get along. It may help him deal with the situation better if he sees how happy his bride-to-be is here.
“You made it.” I open my arms and Jess steps into them. She’s warm from the car ride. I kiss the top of her head and usher them all in, hugging Angie and shaking Andrew’s hand as they enter.
“It smells amazing in here,” Angie says.
“We’ve been at it all morning, so it should.” Jess tucks herself under my arm as we enter the living room. A cacophony of hellos and ‘nice to meet you!’ greet her. “Jess, that is Dillon, Rusty’s son, Rusty, Dan and Anna, their daughter Bridget and . . .” I turn us toward Edie, “Rusty’s wife, Edie,” I finish. Jess says hello to everyone, as do Angie and Andrew. “Alright, what can I get you to drink? Wine, soda, beer or water?”
Edie and I get everyone’s drink orders and hand them out, before heading back to the kitchen. Angie pops in and asks if she can help with anything, so I let her mash the potatoes for me.
“How’s everything going, Ty?” she asks.
“Really well. I’m glad you could join us today.”
“Me, too. This is really cozy and fun. It’s much better than our normal Thanksgivings which are cold and formal.”
I slide my eyes to her and give her a grin. “We’re definitely not formal here.” Angie smiles and goes back to mashing.
By the time the turkey is ready, it’s after one. Dan, Rusty and the boys are dying to eat so they can catch the game. Our table is packed and there is barely enough room for our plates with all the food out. Jess’s hand on my thigh makes my shoulders feel heavy with guilt. I need to tell her. I know that now trumps later every time. I’ve lived it before, only I wasn’t the one dying. Tell the truth now and deal with the fallout. That’s what I should have done. We’d get through it, maybe, and have a short future to live out together. The only thing that’s real is the present and I’m plundering it. Robbing Jess’s future. I squeeze her hand and push the thoughts from my mind so I can focus on this moment.
Jess at my dinner table, sharing a holiday meal with my family, my friends. Plates scrape plates. Jokes are shared
. Laughs had. I’m moved by it all. I stand and raise my water glass. The din dies down until it’s quiet.
“I need to tell,” my voice cracks. I compose myself and try again. “I need to tell you all that I am so grateful for this day. To see you all sitting around this table, making memories.” Everyone raises their glasses and clinks circle the table. “Cheers.”
By the time we’ve finished eating, most everyone is in the living room, reclined somehow, watching the football game. It’s quiet outside of the game announcers. Luke’s pumpkin pie is demolished on the coffee table which makes me smile because he worked hard to make it, so he must be proud that everyone ate it. Bree stopped over and is snuggled between Luke’s legs. Everyone seems content. I’m content, yet not. My secret looms over me like a dark shadow; tainting the happiest of moments. I don’t know how long I can keep it. I also don’t know how I can make the words leave my mouth and destroy lives with its truth.
We’re wrapped up in each other’s arms. After a glorious meal, happy family and pumpkin pie, which Luke made and was so adorably proud of. Ty drew a warm bath and we soaked indulgently together. The kids were down in front of the fireplace when we left them, Angie and Andrew drinking cognac and Luke and his girlfriend having hot cocoa.
I never knew that life could feel like this, where every moment manages to be somehow better than the next. I’m in pure bliss and my love for this man has permeated every single cell. Every syllable I speak, every breath I take is different and better because of Ty in my life. I no longer hate myself, I no longer feel like I’m just waiting—waiting for life to pass me by or for something bad to happen. Instead, I’m living and in doing so, my universe is expanding. There are so many things I want to do, to see, to conquer with Ty by my side. I want to build our business together, I want to build our dream house. I want to travel and see the world with him. God, I want everything. There’s even a part of me that wishes I could give him more children.
He pulls me on top of him and I’m naked under my towel, my skin still flushed with the heat of the bath. He brushes my wet hair back from my face and lays it over my shoulder.