by ROD HARLEY
“So, what did you think when I called and asked you to meet me out here?” She asked. I sipped my drink and looked over at her. I was close to pissed off at that point. Shannon continued to behave as if we were long lost buddies just shooting the breeze, catching up on old times. Did this bitch forget what she did to me?
“Shannon, I have somewhere to be, what’s this all about?” She took a deep breath before responding.
“Kalem, I asked you here because I…well I didn’t want to leave things on bad terms.” I glared at her. Does she expect us to be friends after what she pulled? She has straight lost her mind. I shook my head, took a sip of my drink, and set it on the table.
“What do you want? You want me to forgive you? You want me to tell you that there are no hard feelings?”
“Look, Kalem, I don’t want anything from you okay.” I sucked my teeth and threw my hands up.
“Well why the fuck did you ask me to meet you here?”
“I asked you here,” she answered, her voice raised a notch. Shannon took a deep breath to calm herself before continuing. “I asked you here so I could explain things.” I laughed.
“Explain. Explain what? There’s no need for you to explain. I’m a big boy remember, I can figure it out.” I took another sip of my drink.
“Okay, I guess I deserved that. What I did was messed up, I know that.” I gave her that same duh look she gave me back at her condo. “I just need to explain why I did what I did.” I started to respond but Shannon just kept right on talking over me. “I know there is no justification but just hear me out.” I played with my drink as if thinking it over. Inside I was dying to know what had gone wrong with our relationship. That’s the thing that has bothered me the most since we broke up. Not knowing was eating at me. “Please, Kalem.” I looked up at her.
“I’m here, so explain.” I sat back in my chair and folded my arms. Shannon took a gulp of her wine. She turned and looked over her shoulder at the bar. I followed her gaze over to where big ass Mavis and Shannon’s man-beating sister Shay were sitting. They were posted up like two stick-up men casing a liquor store before a robbery. I turned my attention back to Shannon.
“I see the whole crew is here. What are you expecting me to do, try to beat you down up in here or something? Please, I wouldn’t even think about stooping to that level. You’re not worth it, sweetheart,” I added with a cold stare. Shannon looked down at her glass of wine. I looked over at Shay and Mavis. Shay stood up as if considering coming over to our table. I stared at her defiantly until she sat back down.
“Kalem, I didn’t even want them here. They insisted on coming with me okay.” I sat back in my chair and relaxed.
“Yeah, whatever, what do have to say to me?”
“I know it doesn’t mean much but I never meant for things to turn out like this.” I grunted.
“Oh, really. What did you-” Shannon cut me off.
“Kalem, please, just hear me out. Then you don’t ever have to speak to me again. I just need ten minutes of your time.”
“Whatever.” I answered with a wave of my hand. She collected herself and continued.
“I said a lot of things to you that afternoon at my place. Some of them I wish I could take back, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you that I’m sorry. For what I said and for what I did. I had a lot of things going on at the time. I was really confused. I was hurt and angry. Kalem, I was scared. I had been having nightmares about the abor…about what I did.” I snickered. Well whose fault is that? No one forced you to do it. Shannon paused for a moment as if reflecting on her last statement. She took a sip of her wine and continued.
“You know I never gave up hope that things would work out between us. Mavis and Shay kept telling me I was a fool for staying with you. I guess I was being a little naïve.” I looked over at her confused. Was she attempting to paint me as the one responsible for our break up? “I was doing everything I could to hold on to you,” she continued. “It took a long time for me to accept that it was impossible. How can you hold on to someone you never had to begin with?” She looked down at the table. I spoke up.
“What do you mean you never had me? We were together for almost a year. We would still be together now if you hadn’t run off and gotten pregnant by some other dude.” I shook my head. “You fucked up. That’s why we’re not together.” Shannon looked up at me, a tear rolled down her cheek. I sucked my teeth and looked away. She wasn’t going to get any sympathy from me.
“Kalem, you were never mine. I loved you, you know that I did.” I shifted in my chair. You have a messed up way of showing it. She continued: “but I was always second.”
“Second to what? I loved you too. I was committed to you. I was obviously more committed than you were.”
“I don’t doubt that you loved me. And I think you committed to me in your own way, but that wasn’t good enough. Your heart was with someone else.” I looked away. “You know it’s been about you and Toya all along. It’s obvious that you and her are more than just friends.” I looked over at Shannon.
“I never cheated on you!”
“You think having sex is the only way to be unfaithful? I figured eventually you would stop hanging out with her so often and spend more quality time with me. I hoped that you would want to do more with me than just eat dinner and have sex. We could go away for the weekend just you and me. Anything, as long as we did it together. You never wanted to do those things with me. You spent all of your quality time with her.” I was becoming increasingly irritated by her attempt to shift the blame for her infidelity onto me.
“I don’t see what any of this has to do with the fact that you cheated on me and got pregnant by some other guy.” Shannon cringed at my statement. She looked over at me teary-eyed.
“Kalem,” she said with her lips quivering. “I’m sorry I cheated on you.” I laughed.
“Oh really. And what if you wouldn’t have gotten pregnant would you still be sorry?” Shannon wiped a tear from her cheek. “The only thing you’re sorry about is that I found out.”
“I know I hurt you. Whether you believe me or not, I am sorry for that. But please just try to understand what I was feeling. I was really into you; I mean I loved you to death. I tried to do things to get you to feel the same way about me. But I always felt like I was competing with her for your attention, and she was winning. I felt hopeless when it came to you and me.”
“So what, is that supposed to be an excuse for you getting pregnant by some other guy? Please, you could have talked to me about what you were feeling. We could have sorted things out. I tried repeatedly to get you to open up to me. You never could.” I shook my head. “You didn’t have a problem opening up to homeboy though did you?” Shannon toyed with her glass before downing the last of her wine.
“Kalem, yes I cheated on you. But it was only one time,” I grunted. She continued. “I know that the fact that it was only one time doesn’t make it any better but I don’t want you to think this was going on the whole time we were together. It happened one time during the early part of our relationship.” I looked up at her and rolled my eyes. “I made a mistake. About two months after we hooked up I went back to Baltimore for a couple of days. You remember?” I didn’t respond but I was well aware of the referenced trip to Baltimore. That was that first time that I couldn’t get in contact with her.
“Well, I went out with Shay and Mavis and had a couple of drinks. Later that night I ran into my ex fiancé at the club. I swear I didn’t mean for anything to happen. I just.” She looked away. I sat up straight in my chair. I was finally getting the explanation I so longed for all these weeks since we had broken up. “I wasn’t sure where we stood you know? I mean you were always spending time with Toya. I wasn’t even sure how you felt about me. I know you told me that you loved me, but I knew you didn’t mean it.” She looked over at me and smiled uncomfortably. I looked away. I had no idea that she was aware of my uncertain feelings about her and our relationship. I figured
if I told her that I loved her she would accept it as true and appreciate me for expressing it. Shannon continued.
“I can’t remember the first time you told me that you loved me, but I do remember the first time you told me you loved me and meant it.” She smiled. “We were in bed at my apartment the evening after we met Toya at Emerald’s for lunch. That was the first time I felt like you were being genuine.” Her revelation elicited a nostalgic smile.
She was right. That was the first time I had been authentic in expressing my love for her. Shannon twirled her hair around her index finger and smiled as if she were having the same feelings. After a few seconds our smiles faded, as did my nostalgia.
“Keith and I had a good relationship. We were going to get married.” I had no idea that Shannon had been engaged. “He got transferred overseas and, well you know.” I nodded in acknowledgement. “I guess I was thinking we could rekindle what we had before. But after we…got together, I realized that whatever we had was gone, and I knew we couldn’t get it back. My heart belonged to you.” I took a sip of my drink.
“Then you found out you were pregnant?” Shannon nodded. I shook my head. “Well, now I know what all those late night and early morning phone calls were about. That wasn’t your mom calling about Shay was it? That was him.” She didn’t answer and she didn’t have to. Shannon’s guilt showed in the nervous tapping of her nail on the empty wine glass. “That’s why you never wanted to talk to me about what was bothering you. And to think I was worried it was something that I had done.”
“I wouldn’t blame you for hating me, I just felt like I owed you an explanation.” I stared at my empty glass. I didn’t hate Shannon. In fact I probably still had some feelings for her suppressed somewhere deep down in my being. I appreciated her setting my wondering mind at ease by explaining things. Not knowing was killing me. It was holding me back. Her confession would help me to close that chapter of my life. She didn’t have to meet me to explain. She could have left me to wonder for the rest of my life what had went down between us, but she didn’t and I was thankful.
“I’m glad you felt compelled to explain things to me, it helps.” I looked away. “But, you hurt me. You hurt me bad, and I don’t know if I will be able to forgive you for that. But I guess I can try.” Shannon smiled and I forced a smile in return. I’m not very good at holding a grudge. I knew I would never forgive Shannon for what happened but I imagined I could at least be civil with her. She made a mistake as we are all prone to do. I know I certainly have made my share.
Sleeping with Michelle was one of them. I figured what Shannon did was not that far removed from what I did with Michelle. Well, except that she got pregnant. I thought back to that night with Michelle. As turned on as I was, I probably would have slipped right on in there without the latex if she wouldn’t have been responsible enough to bring condoms into play. Come to think of it I didn’t even take any condoms with me to her apartment. There’s no telling what would have happened once I would have slid up in her. Lucky for me, while I was thinking with my little head, Michelle kept her wits about her.
Shannon and I engaged in superficial discourse for five uncomfortable minutes before I seized the opportunity offered by an agreeable meeting of our eyes and stood to leave. I glanced over at Mavis and Shay and nodded in their direction. They both waved.
I took one last glance at Shannon. She smiled at me and I felt myself becoming emotional. She looked down at the table just as I turned and started to walk back over to the table where Raoul was sitting. When I sat down Shay and Mavis were over at Shannon’s table talking to her. I looked over at Raoul; he was flirting with a female sitting at the table next to ours seemingly oblivious to what had just went down.
“Hey, dog, I’m going to get out of here, I’m not in the mood for this right now,” I said and stood to leave. Raoul glanced up at me from his chair.
“I figured you’d be all emotional after your conversation with your ex. It looked like y’all were discussing some serious shit over there.” I guess he was paying attention. I looked over at Shannon’s table and found it now occupied by two dudes. I looked around the Blue Room for a sign of Shannon. Raoul patted me on the shoulder.
“They left a few seconds ago.” I looked down at the table. “You still love her don’t you?” I thought about his question.
“I don’t think so. No, I’m positive that I don’t, at least not anymore.” Raoul nodded understandingly and took a sip of his drink.
“Time to move on, dog. Just let that shit go and move on.” I didn’t say anything but at that moment I realized that I had. I had gotten what I needed. I had gotten closure. Shannon and I were now officially a thing of the past. I wasn’t sure what lay ahead for me but I was sure of one thing. I wanted whatever future I had to include Toya.
Back at my apartment Raoul and I were sitting around watching Sportscenter. I had just gotten off of the phone with Greg out in Phoenix. We had a bet on the Orlando Magic, Miami Heat basketball game. The Heat had won and I was jokingly calling to find out when I would be able to collect my twenty-dollar bounty.
Raoul was slouched on the sofa dozing off. I stared at the television now on CNN and began thinking about Toya. I wondered what she was doing. I wanted to call her. She’s probably asleep it’s almost one-thirty in the morning. I glanced at the cordless phone on the table in front of me. I started to reach over and pick it up. Nah, it’s too late to be calling her house I told myself. Even though in the past I would call Toya at four, five, or six in the morning if I got the urge. We never set those kinds of boundaries. But things have changed between us here lately and I have no idea where I stand with her.
Today was the first time I had seen her in weeks. For all I knew her and her little man friend Malcolm could be over there doing whatever. I reached over and snatched up the phone. My heart was pounding as the phone began ringing. Toya picked up on the fifth ring. I started to hang up when she answered the phone sounding all sleepy but I didn’t. I actually felt a huge wave of relief sweep over me when I heard her voice. The heavy thumping of my heart subsided.
“Hello,” Toya moaned. I didn’t know what to say. “Hello,” she said again.
“Are you sleeping?” I finally asked.
“Kalem?”
“Yeah, what’s up?” I said now relaxed and feeling certain that Toya was alone.
“Nothing, I’m sleeping. What are you still doing up anyway?” I exhaled.
“I’m not tired plus I have some things on my mind. I was hoping maybe I could talk to you but I don’t want to keep you up.” I hoped that she would put her sleep on hold and insist we talk about whatever was bothering me, just like she usually did, and as I would usually do for her. I was surprised by her suggestion.
“I am so tired right now, Booby. I wouldn’t make sense of one word you said to me. I have to go into the office in the morning but why don’t I call you tomorrow when I get back?” I hesitated.
“Uhmm, okay. Well just call me when you get back then,” Toya yawned.
“Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Alright, goodnight.”
“Mhuh,” Toya answered and hung up. I sat there for a moment with the phone in my hand. My mind began to wonder. Damn, Toya sounded like she was worn out. And she kept mentioning how tired she was. Since when did dinner and a movie become such a draining undertaking? My heartbeat again began to accelerate. It seemed like she was rushing me off of the phone as well. Kept yawning talking about how she had to go to work in the morning. That’s the same shit I used to pull on females back in my playa days, knowing I wasn’t anywhere near tired and had a female laid up in the bed next to me. I know she isn’t trying to play me out like that.
I glanced over at Raoul now mouth open, snoring next to me. I bet she has that bitch Malcolm up in her crib. My imagination was running out of control. I tried to regain control of my cognitions. Toya and I are not a couple I told myself. I can’t tell her what to do just like she can’t tel
l me what to do. I’m tripping. I exhaled loudly. Besides, she isn’t the type to be sleeping around with just anyone. But then again Malcolm didn’t appear to be just anyone when I met him this afternoon. I could see Toya going for his ass. Why wouldn’t she? I looked over at the phone. Nah, I’m not calling her again.
I got up and walked into the kitchen. I was about to grab a glass from the cupboard when I noticed the keys to my truck sitting on the counter. I stared at them for a few seconds. I’m not going out like that. Isn’t that against the law? That would probably qualify as stalking. I laughed. I’m not driving way out there to check up on her. She isn’t even my woman, never has been. Plus it’s after two in the morning. I shook my head and continued to attempt to laugh it off. I took a sip of my water and again glanced over at the keys before reaching over and picking them up. After jingling them in my hands for a few seconds I threw them back on the counter.
What would I do anyway go up there and knock on the door? Ask her to let me search the house? I laughed again. I put the empty glass in the sink. I could just drive by to see if his car is there. I again glanced at the keys. Shoot, who’s going to know? I picked up the keys and again started jingling them in my hand. Fuck it, I’m going to do it just to prove how ridiculous this is. Toya isn’t like that. I was straight losing it. I had actually convinced myself that I was riding out to Toya’s place to somehow defend her honor. To prove that she wouldn’t sleep with Malcolm. I was being her knight in shining armor defending her honor against some heathen who had dared to question her virtue.
It never dawned on me that the only one questioning her virtue was in fact me. Nor did I stop to think that even if Toya was over there boning Malcolm it was her business and she had every right to do so, just like I did with Michelle. I was being totally irrational, and frankly immature. I thought about it for a few seconds. A quick glance over at Raoul confirmed that he was still sound asleep and wouldn’t see me leaving. I shut the door behind me and walked briskly towards the elevator.