I shrug my shoulders, not willing to voice anything just yet as the second I do, it suddenly becomes real. “Carter,” she says, demanding my attention. “I’ve known you for like fifteen years, I know when something’s up. What’s going on?”
I let out a sigh and watch as she makes herself comfortable in the chair beside me. With a deep breath, I let it out. “It’s Bri,” I tell her. “I need to end it.”
Her eyes widen in shock and her jaw instantly falls to the table. “What?” she shrieks. “Why the hell would you do something so stupid?” she questions. “You’re like, madly in love with her, it’s as clear as day.”
“I know,” I sigh. “She wants to get married and have babies,” I say as way of explanation.
“So?” she grunts. “I’m failing to see how that’s a deal breaker. Don’t you want that with her?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “She wants those things so desperately and I don’t think I ever want them.”
“You never want them, or you never want them with her?” she queries.
“I want her but that’s it. I’ve never wanted the whole domestic, happy family bullshit. That’s not me.”
“So, talk to her about it. Don’t be rash about something like this. She might be ok to go without that stuff.”
“Trust me, she’s not,” I tell her. “She said last night that she wants what you and Sean have, and I can’t give her that. It’s not fair for me to let it keep going on knowing she isn’t going to get what she wants out of the relationship.”
She presses her lips together and lets out a sigh of her own. “I’m sorry,” she says, placing a hand on my shoulder. “You’ve got yourself in quite the pickle. One I don’t know how to fix.”
“I don’t expect you to,” I tell her.
“I know,” she smiles, “but when there’s a problem concerning you three boys, I can’t help but insert myself.”
“I know,” I smile as I put an arm around her shoulder and give her a quick squeeze. “How are you going?” I ask, indicating down to the cutest little baby bump.
“Good,” she says. “But I’m always hungry. I’m so worried this pregnancy is going to turn me into an elephant.”
“Whatever, you’re tiny,” I scoff. “Has the morning sickness gone away?”
“Yeah, but my tits hurt,” she tells me.
“Thanks for that information.”
“No problem,” she laughs as she gets up and goes about pouring herself a bowl of cereal. She comes and stands beside me with her bowl in hand. “Listen, if you are going to… end it,” she cringes, “Do it nicely. Bri puts on a tough exterior, but this is going to tear her up.”
I nod my head. She isn’t telling me anything I don’t already know. I’ve been throwing up all night knowing what this is going to do to her. “Yeah,” I say, unable to form much more of a sentence.
“OK,” she says, giving my shoulder a squeeze. “We’re around if you need us,” she tells me before disappearing up the hallway.
With a sigh, I throw back my orange juice and head upstairs. It must only be seven in the morning and I know after a night like last night Bri won’t be up for another few hours, but if this is the last few hours I’ll have to call her mine, then I’m going to soak it all up.
Resisting the urge to climb back in bed and hold her, I take a seat on the couch and watch the steady rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps. Fuck, she’s beautiful. She’s the love of my life and I hate myself for having to do this to her. I will never find another woman who makes me feel the way she does.
Leaving her is going to tear her to pieces, but in the long run, it’s the best thing to do for her. Her heart will eventually heal, and she’ll move on with someone who can give her the life she craves and the babies she wants to raise.
For me, it’s simple. I will never love again, but because I love her, I need to do this. I want to give her the world and if losing her is how I’m going to do that, then that’s what I have to do.
Minutes turn into hours and the longer I wait, the worse it gets. One part of me wants to go and shake her awake so I can get this over, rip it off like a band-aid, but the other part is screaming at me to continue being a selfish bastard and wait it out; to cherish the last few moments I have with her.
She starts stirring and I curse myself once again. The few minutes go by way too quickly and I do what I can to seek out every last bit of courage I can find within myself.
Don’t fucking back out, you goddamn pussy.
Why can’t I just continue on being a selfish prick? I’m so fucking happy with her. She’ll forever resent me for not popping the question or knocking her up, but at least I’ll be happy.
Her hand reaches up and pushes her brunette hair off her face before rubbing her eyes. She lets out one of those ‘I don’t want to wake up’ moans before stretching herself out across the bed. Her hand feels around on my side, clearly searching for me and when she realizes I’m not there, her head pops up and she squints across the bed.
She sits up and starts to look around the room, no doubt her mind has already gone to the worst scenario after the way I turned her down last night. “I’m here,” I murmur into the quiet room.
Her head flicks around at the sound of my voice. I take her in and if today was any other day, I’d be laughing at the way her mascara has smudged all over her face during the night, instead, it just makes me think how much worse I’m about to make it when the inevitable tears start to fall.
She takes me in across the room and a curious expression takes over her beautiful face. “What are you doing over there?” she yawns as she sits up in bed and lets the sheet fall around her waist, exposing her perfect tits.
“Couldn’t sleep,” I reply.
“I noticed,” she tells me in a sad voice before leaning down to the floor and scooping up my shirt that I’d worn at the wedding last night.
She gets up and makes her way around the bed, showing off her petite body, draped in nothing but my shirt, making what I have to do that much harder. She sits at the end of the bed, facing me and I swear it’s as if she can read my mind, or at least, she can sense something is wrong.
I hate the way she has woken up and not touched me. It feels wrong, like I’m missing the most important part of my morning. I need to reach out and touch her, but it’s only going to make this harder.
“Have you checked in on Elle?” she questions formally, as if she’s trying to prolong whatever fears are circling in her mind, the fears I’m about to make reality.
“Yeah,” I tell her. “I spoke with Logan not long ago. She’s fine. Apart from a few cuts and bruises, she came out unscathed.”
“That’s good,” she murmurs without meeting my eyes.
It’s in that instant that I realize she already knows. My heart sinks and I want to fall at her feet, begging for forgiveness.
She focuses those deadly green eyes on her bare thighs and from the angle I’m sitting at, it’s impossible to miss the way her eyes are watering up. “Why are you doing this?” she asks with a broken voice which I barely hear.
Fuck. I haven’t said a word and it’s already tearing me up.
“Babe,” I breathe with my heart on my sleeve. My eyes close as the pain is nearly impossible to bare. The words don’t seem to come so we sit in an excruciating silence.
I feel her waiting for me to tell her she’s wrong, but the longer she waits, the quicker she realizes that what she thought was true. Her tears start to fall as I lean forward in my chair with my elbows on my knees. With my head in my hands, I try my hardest not to shed a tear.
This moment has got to be one of the hardest moments of my life, excluding the days I buried my parents.
She moves her head ever so slightly and I know she’s ready to talk. Her hands come up and wipe at her tears but she still refuses to look at me. “Am I just… not enough for you?” she questions.
Fuck. How could she possibly think that? Her self doubt is enough to throw
me forward out of my chair. I fall to my knees before her and instantly look up at those eyes I love so much. “Don’t you dare say that,” I demand. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever come across. I fucking love you, Bri.”
“Then… I don’t understand. Why are you doing this? I want to be with you,” she says with the tears staining her cheeks.
“Please, don’t cry,” I tell her as I pull her forward and let her drop into my lap. Her arms instantly circle me as her head drops to my shoulder. “I’m sorry,” I tell her. “Please believe me when I tell you this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“Then don’t do it. Don’t ruin this,” she begs as her stubborn voice breaks, allowing a sob to take over. She holds me tighter and I do the very same.
“I can’t give you what you want,” I murmur.
“You can,” she says. “You are what I want. I love you.”
I run my hands down her hair, attempting to soothe her, but it’s a lost cause. Rip it off like a band-aid, I remind myself. Don’t drag this shit out, you’re only making it worse for her.
“No babe. I’m not,” I tell her with unimaginable amounts of pain rushing in and blackening my heart. “You want the big white wedding and the family to go with it. I don’t want that and in ten years when you’re still waiting for me to propose, you’re going to resent me.”
“What are you saying?” she asks as she sits up to look at me. “You don’t want to marry me?”
“No, Bri. I don’t. I don’t want to marry anyone. Marriage is not something I’ve ever wanted for myself,” I explain. “I thought you knew this.”
“I did,” she says. “But I thought you were just being an idiot and when you found the right girl that would change.”
“Believe me, Brianna. You are the right girl. You’re the love of my life, but I can’t give you the life you want for yourself.”
“I can try,” she cries. “I don’t need to get married. We can work around it.”
“But you deserve to get married. You deserve the wedding of your dreams and I refuse to be the reason why you don’t get it. I can’t do that to you. I won’t.”
“No,” she sobs. “Don’t. Please.”
I let out a breath and bring my finger up to her chin to raise her face. Her eyes meet mine and I know that what I’m about to say is the ultimate deal breaker. I wish I was able to give her everything she wants in life, but I can’t, and I will forever have to deal with that fact. “What about kids?” I ask her.
Understanding dawns on her face as she realizes I’m right. We may be madly in love with each other, but we’re not compatible. “You don’t want them?” she questions with fear in her green eyes.
I shake my head, but I need to voice my answer. “No. I don’t.”
“Ever?” she asks.
With a nod, I confirm her worst nightmare. “Ever.”
Agony shoots through her eyes as she looks at me with complete and utter betrayal. She pushes herself up off me and stands in the center of the room looking absolutely broken. Her arms cross over her chest, completely closing herself off from me. She’s silent for the longest time and I want nothing more than to run to her and take it all back.
She wipes at her red eyes before looking up at me across the room. “How could you let us go on for two years knowing that we could never work?” she demands. “Why would you let me fall in love with you? What kind of monster does that?”
I walk to her, making sure she completely understands what I’m trying to say. “I’m sorry. I was fucking selfish. I should have been up front with you at the beginning but then I fell in love with you and the thought of letting you go tears me up,” I tell her with my own tears springing to my eyes. “I didn’t realize just how important all those things were to you until last night. I want to give you the world and if that means you need to be with someone else to get it, then that’s what I’m going to do.”
She stares up at me and I know her well enough to know the blow is coming. She’s reached her emotional level and has taken just about all she can handle. “You’re telling me I’ve spent the last two years falling in love with the wrong man?”
Fuck, that hurt, but yeah, I guess that’s true.
I don’t respond but she doesn’t need me to. She presses her lips together and gives the slightest nod before grabbing her phone off the charger and disappearing through the door.
Chapter 3
Brianna
I rush down the stairs in nothing but Carter’s shirt and barge my way into every damn room until I find the one person who can possibly give me any sort of comfort right now.
Fuck. Why is this damn house so big?
I need to get out of here. Where the fuck are you, Bobby?
I wipe at my sore eyes but it’s useless, as another tear instantly takes its place. I can hardly breathe as the sobbing is quickly becoming uncontrollable. How is this happening? Why is it? I thought we were happy. I thought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. I mean, Carter is my soul mate. I know that with one hundred percent certainty.
I will never, and I mean never, find another man who can capture my heart the way he does.
I simply don’t have what it takes to move on from this. My heart is his. He took it from me two years ago and I’ll never get it back. I don’t want it back.
I push my way through a fourth door and finally find my twin brother fast asleep on a living room floor. The sound of the door slamming against the wall startles him awake and he flies up into a sitting position. “What the fuck?” he complains before taking me in. His face scrunches up at my attire but instantly changes as he finds my face. I run to him. “What’s wr…?” he asks but is cut off when I fall into his lap.
The sobs come hard and fast as my brother holds me. I curl into him with my face firmly against his chest. His hand comes up to my head and he gently runs his hands through my hair. “Shhhhh,” he soothes over and over again as he rocks me.
We sit for ages as he allows my tears to run their course. It must be a good half an hour later when my tears finally dry up out of pure soreness. I mean, one more tear and my eyes will start bleeding.
“Are you ready to talk about it?” Bobby questions silently.
“No,” I murmur. “I just want to get out of here.”
“Ok,” he says as he reaches across the living room floor and grabs his phone, wallet, and keys. “Do I need to go and beat the crap out of him first?”
“No,” I sigh as a stray tear appears on my eye. I wipe it away and pull myself together.
I climb out of Bobby’s lap and find the closest bathroom. I get a good look at myself and do my best to clean myself up. I rush a hand through my hair and splash water over my face, but let’s be serious, nothing is going to take away the puffy, blood-shot eyes and splotchy cheeks. I’m just going to have to deal with the fact that I’ll be looking like shit for the foreseeable future.
I step out of the bathroom and find Bobby waiting in the hallway, holding up a pair of sweatpants. I silently take them from him and slide them up my bare legs. I have to roll them over a few times and pull the drawstring as tight as possible to avoid them falling back down.
“You ready to go?” he asks.
“I should say bye to Cassie first. They’re leaving on their honeymoon this afternoon,” I remind him.
“That’s not a bad idea,” he murmurs before following me through the house.
I find myself walking around like a scared little rabbit, constantly searching, praying he doesn’t come around the next corner, as that’s going to bring on another round of tears and I’m almost certain that would kill me.
We make it to Cassie and Jax’s door, free of any Carter sightings and I lightly knock before pushing my way in. The curtains are still drawn and they are both in an alcohol-induced, deep sleep. I bend down beside Cass pleased they have a sheet covering what I assume are very naked bodies. I gently shake her shoulder. “Cass,” I whisper.
She moans as she rolls over to face me. “What’s up?” she asks as she attempts a smile.
“Nothing, hun. I need to get going,” I tell her.
“Oh,” she sighs as she closes her eyes once again and unknowingly makes me happy that I don’t have to explain the reason for my current state. After all, I want her to enjoy her honeymoon, she deserves it and I wouldn’t want her worrying about me. She’ll have plenty of time to do that when she gets back.
“Have a great honeymoon,” I murmur before ducking back out of the room and allowing the newlyweds their well needed sleep.
Bobby and I head downstairs and I can’t wait to close the door behind me. I just need to get out of this house. Depression took over me the second I started talking this morning and it hasn’t left. Bobby reaches out and takes my hand in his, the same way he used to when we were kids. “I love you,” he tells me.
I look up at the guy who has, for so long, been my rock. “Love you, too, Bobby. Now, please, take me home.”
Home. Now that’s something I haven’t thought about yet. I’ve been living with Carter since the day I graduated college. I don’t have a home. “Bobby,” I cry as the realization truly dawns on me. “I don’t have a home.”
“You always have a home,” he tells me. “You can stay at my place until you sort something out.”
I give him a smile, but it doesn’t reach my eyes. He knows it and I know it, but there’s nothing we can do about it right now.
We arrive at Bobby’s bachelor pad twenty minutes later. I drag myself out of the car and into the house. I bypass every room and beeline for the shower, hoping the hot water will help to wash away some of the raw emotion that lays heavy on my heart.
I look at myself in Carter’s shirt and the tears start all over again. I turn on the taps and step straight in, not bothering to wait for the water to warm up. The freezing cold water hits me, and I hardly gasp. In fact, the water manages to make me forget about the pain within, but it only lasts a moment.
The water heats and soon becomes scalding. I let it wash right over me and I find myself standing there for what could be minutes or hour. I hardly know but it’s not long before my knees give out and I fall to the floor. Sobs rip from my chest as I bury my face into my hands and curl up in the corner of the shower.
Carter Page 2