“Hart died today, out of the blue. I’m actually going to miss him and his cold wet nose nudging my ankles, begging for food.” He laughed at the memory. “I know it’s just a pig, but he was her comfort when you…left. He kept a smile on her face when I couldn’t. He helped her miss you better and with less tears when I…couldn’t.”
“I still can’t. I don’t know what I’m doing, except ruining every bit of good you left her. She doesn’t want to love anything; that’s what I’ve taught her.” There was anger in his words, anger at himself. “She said the words, Cass, she said I don’t love anymore, and she isn’t wrong. I love her. I love the boys, even though they’re hard to love sometimes – and Ma and Da too of course.”
He paused as if he wasn’t sure what he was leading up to. “It’s like everything after you – there’s no room for it. Nobody can come in. My heart…it’s too full and empty, all at the same time. Like I can’t just love. I’m afraid to because the hurt gets easier, but the ache never leaves, Cass. It never leaves.”
“There’s this guilt too. I can’t really explain it, but every time I think I need to move on, find happiness…or smile even – I remember. I remember that you’re gone, and it isn’t fair that you’re gone. You don’t get to be happy…or smile.”
“I don’t like feeling so distant from Reagan. God, there’s days I miss her even after we were together all day. Doesn’t it make it easier for her though? Easier for her if I am distant and something happens? I’m home more, take less risks, but tomorrow isn’t promised no matter how careful you are, and there’s always life’s what if’s. She’s hurt enough to last a lifetime, and I don’t want her to ever hurt over me if…well, you know.”
“Jesus, I’m bad at this. You were great at it. I don’t know how to do this without you.” He kicked that loose rock around a little more, thinking about what he was saying. “Even gone, you’re better at this. Your letters, they’re everything to her. I never would have thought of that, but you did. You still do everything right with her…even gone.”
“She said she’s starting to forget things – little things. I don’t want her to forget, Cass. She can’t forget you. You need to last her a lifetime. God, I hope there’s enough letters.
He let out a silent sob and wiped a lone tear from his cheek before running his hands through his hair. “What do I do, Cassidy? Help me out here?”
Liam turned back to where he started, foot on the ledge, arms draped over the railing, and he rested his head there and waited for guidance. He was desperate.
“I thought I’d find you up here. You weren’t in the lair, so…” Felicity said from behind him. “You okay?”
She stood next to him, draping her arms over the railing as he had, and waited for him to answer. He finally nodded.
“We uh…found a letter for today. Loss of a pet,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief. “Cassidy’s words helped.”
“She always knew what to do and say…to everyone,” he replied softly.
“She really did think of everything.” Felicity smiled. “That was Cass.”
Liam nodded and nearly smiled. “Yeah…it was.”
After a moment of silence between them, Felicity went on. “So, we’re having a little movie night – home movies. I think Reagan’s tears had less to do with Hart and more to do with what he represented…her mom. She said she misses her, forgetting…”
“Yeah, I know,” Liam interrupted, his tone curt. “You guys go ahead.”
“We were thinking of having cake and some of Cass’s favorite things – to help her remember…”
Liam turned to face her, his body leaning against the railing. “Yeah, I get it. Reminders help her remember – got it. I can’t stop remembering so forgive me if I pass.” And he turned away, facing the water again.
“Okay then,” Felicity said, turning to walk away. “You know, Reagan said not to invite you, that it’ll just make you sad, and she can’t fix it. She is trying to take care of you rather than the other way around like it should be.”
Liam’s jaw dropped, stunned by the audacity of her words but more so that they were his daughter’s. He shrugged in defeat, shook his head and stared off.
“I’m glad she can’t see you like this,” Felicity said with disgust.
Liam spun on his heels to face Felicity, his anger obvious. “Reagan sees me like this every day.”
“You’re right, but that’s not who I’m talking about,” Felicity deadpanned. “Do you really think Cassidy wanted you to live this way? To sulk and feel sorry for yourself day in and day out…for the rest of your life?”
“Sulk and feel sorry for myself?” Liam raised his voice, angry that Felicity had been so insensitive. “My wife died, Felicity. She died and left me to raise a daughter, a daughter, all by myself. Something I don’t know the first thing about. I don’t know what to do or what to say when all of these things happen to her.”
“You don’t have to know what to say!” Felicity shouted and threw her hands in the air in frustration. “There isn’t a script, Liam. Just listen to your heart and be there for her like everyone else. Like Cassidy did before she even left. She wrote all those letters.” She threw her hands up again. “So many letters. To all of us, but you haven’t read any yours, have you? Because if you had, maybe you’d pull your head out of your uptight ass and live a little!”
“How am I supposed to be there for Reagan and pretend nothing happened when it did?” he argued.
“You’re right. It did happen, and it was awful and unfair, but it happened.” Felicity couldn’t hold back her despair - it was too overwhelming, and she’d held it in for too many years. “Liam, your wife died. She died! Not you! You’re still here, and you’re wasting so much time stuck in your own damn head, feeling sorry for yourself. It’s like you died too.”
“Feeling sorry for myself? You’re right! My wife died!” he fired back, trying to excuse all of his behaviors. “She left me…us. Then, I cheated on her! She wasn’t gone but a handful of months and I…we...” Liam looked away. He couldn’t look Felicity in the eye. “I did that…to my dead wife…because I felt sorry for myself. Now I live with that every single day.”
“Liam.”
“Then I have this girl. This angel of a girl, and all I see is her mother in her. She’s all I have left of her, and I’m ruining that too,” he continued, finally speaking his truth. Or what he thought to be his truth. “You’re right about everything, Felicity. It’s like I died too because from the minute she was gone, I’ve not known who I was or who I am supposed to be. It was always us. The first thing I do as just me – is a night of…of…what you and I did! That’s who I am without her?”
A long pause stood between them while Felicity regained her composure. “No, Liam, that’s not who you are. We all lost someone we loved the day Cassidy died. The difference is we all choose to live, not hide. You refuse to live. That’s who you are.”
Felicity turned and walked away. She didn’t look back because she didn’t want to see what her words did to him. More than that, she didn’t want him to see what they did to her.
14
Dearest Reagan,
I’m so sorry for your loss, sweet girl. Our pets are like family or a best friend. We nurture them, love on them, protect them, and lean on them. Losing a pet is like losing a small part of your heart, honey. I’m sure you loved your pal immensely because you don’t know how to love any way other than big. And I’m sure your special loved one loved you back just as much because it’s impossible not to love you until it hurts.
There isn’t an easy way around the pain you’re feeling, other than to just feel it. Feel every bit of it because each ache is attached to a wonderful memory. Remind yourself of those wonderful memories. It sounds silly, but it will help you heal because the more you focus on the good things, the more you’ll rejoice in them and see just how much those lovely memories outweigh the pain you’re feeling right now. It doesn’t make sense now, but
one day, it will.
Your heart is hurting, and it’s hard to say goodbye, but always remember there is purpose in all things – even loss. It may make you think of me, and selfishly, I hope that it does because then you’ll remember the hugs, and kisses that I would have showered you with today.
It’s okay to cry, honey, but be brave too. Give yourself the time you need to be sad, but only as long as you don’t forget the joy too. Be happy again, my sweet girl. Know that I’m always with you, and love you bigger than the sky, baby girl.
Forgive daddy if he acts a little silly over this – boys just deal with these things differently than we do. He might stumble over his words and say the wrong thing, but only because he loves you so much that the right words are hard to find. Lean on each other, honey. I’m sure it’s a sad day for daddy too – mostly because he loves you so much it hurts to see you sad.
I love you…
Always and Forever,
Mama
15
It wasn’t long before Liam left the rooftop and made his way back downstairs to his apartment. When he walked in through the front door, he heard giggles coming from the living room – Felicity and Reagan. It was far too much for him to deal with in the moment. He was still reeling from the ass chewing Felicity had handed him.
Standing in the middle of his bedroom, he looked around and realized nothing had changed since his wife passed. Everything was exactly as she had left it. Why hadn’t he changed it? It was like an odd tribute to her, a museum of memories. This really is unhealthy, he thought.
He saw Cassidy in every inch of the space, but the bed – that’s where he saw Felicity, and it pained him with guilt. That night came flooding back to him as he thought about Felicity’s words on the rooftop. Cassidy had been gone for what felt like a minute but was really months and months past. Reagan had fallen ill – very ill – and he was dealing with it for the first time as a single parent.
He was frightened, afraid to lose her too, and it left him feeling vulnerable and broken. When her fever finally broke, and things started looking up, Liam broke down. It was another one of the many firsts – first Christmas without his wife, first round of birthdays without her, Reagan losing her first tooth, and first major illness without her. Sounded strange, even to him, but having to deal with even the simplest of things for the first time, alone, took its toll. Reagan’s illness affected him, more so than most other things, because it had a potentially devastating outcome.
He looked to the balcony off his bedroom and remembered standing out there twenty something floors above the city, losing his shit. Felicity found him there and consoled him as she often did. She was so good to them – to all of them, even Cassidy before she passed. Liam and Felicity had grieved together. He lost his wife. She lost her best friend. They had become like sisters. But, like Felicity said, an hour or so earlier on the rooftop, she eventually chose to go on living like everyone else in their life had. Liam chose to stand still in the storm, numb, frozen in place for roughly seven years.
Cassidy had been gone just over a year that night on the balcony. There had been a shift in the air. A sudden sense of desire that had never provoked them before engulfed them. Something sparked, it was like they each had something the other desperately needed to feel, and maybe even heal.
They acted on it with reckless abandon. What started as a night of emotional chaos ended as a night of libidinous passion. They spent the night wrapped in each other’s arms, trying to satisfy an insatiable craving. It was raw – it was all consuming – it was beautiful.
Everything felt right until he woke and saw his wife’s picture and realized what he had done in her home, her room, her bed. The guilt consumed him. He’d betrayed his wife. How could he have done that to her, replaced her so quickly? He had a responsibility to his wife – to raise their daughter, not look for love or even just sex.
It hadn’t been just sex with Felicity though. Maybe that it was more was what scared him the most, he thought. She wasn’t the kind of girl you have a one-night stand with. She was the kind of girl you loved and built a beautiful life with. She deserved that, at the very least.
Felicity was in his head. Everything she had said on the rooftop just played over and over. Would Cassidy be disappointed in how he was behaving? Probably, but he didn’t know any other way to live, especially after living this way for so long. Maybe he did need to move on, leave the guilt behind. It didn’t have to mean he was leaving Cass behind, he told himself, did it?
Wandering thoughts landed on Cassidy and what she would have wanted for him. He knew what she wanted, at the very least, because she had told him before she left them. She wanted him to be happy, didn’t want him to spend his life alone. It wasn’t obvious to him then because his loyalty to his wife clouded his thoughts and cloaked his heart. She wanted him to find love again.
Battling between heart and mind, he negotiated the reasons moving on was damaging as much as fruitful. Loving meant losing. That possibility was always going to be there, and he’d lost enough in his life and had plenty of people to worry about already. It was a gamble and not one he was sure he could make. Or could he?
Liam went to his closet, reached for a box on a high shelf, and took it back to his bed. He sat down, facing the French doors that led to the balcony, watching the city in the distance while the box sat next to him. Felicity’s words were flooding his mind – the letters. He asked Cassidy to help him. Was this the help he needed? The letters?
With a deep breath, he removed the lid of the box and pulled out a scrap book that looked much like Reagan’s. He sat there briefly, his hand flat on the cover, preparing himself for what he would find inside. When he opened the cover, the first thing he saw was a candid picture of Cassidy and him that he didn’t even remember taking. Her handwriting below shook him to the core, and he abruptly closed the book, and closed his eyes, begging, pleading to keep it together.
It was time to move forward, whatever that meant, and he knew this scrapbook was the first step. With shaking hands, he opened the scrapbook once more, his breathing slightly labored, and dragged his fingers over the words she wrote.
For Liam…
My forever friend – my forever companion – my forever love
Until we meet again…
Cass
He looked at the protruding tabs that labeled each page. It was a book of firsts just like Reagan’s. Some were Reagan’s firsts, some were clearly firsts for him…without her. How she wrote so many letters and made beautiful pages for each, adorned with meaningful pictures, in the short time she had was beyond him. She had written everyone a letter, but Reagan and Liam received a book of firsts.
There was some catching up to do, so many letters that were for times that had already passed – and he would get to those, but first…her goodbye.
My dearest Liam,
This is the first letter I am writing and, by far, the hardest. It needed to be first because it is the most important. There are so many things I want to say, but there isn’t enough time…or words. How do you summarize a lifetime in a single letter?
I need you to understand that I am okay with the hand I was dealt. I don’t feel cheated or robbed of time. I don’t feel like I missed anything and certainly don’t want for anything. I’m not disappointed or angry. To feel any of those things would be a terrible discourtesy to all of that which I have had the joy to experience and live. I don’t want you to feel those things either, Liam.
I had my second chance. I was already given more time – time to be a mother, a better wife, a better friend. Not many people get that privilege – to see life through new eyes like I did. I’m lucky, Liam. Lucky to have been given that time, albeit short, to be who I was meant to be. Forever is wasted if it isn’t through the right eyes, with the right people.
We’ve had a wonderful life together, one that forty or fifty more years couldn’t have made any better. Don’t confuse time and joy. Joy only takes an instant to feel
and lasts long past forever. I choose to take the joy with me over the time, my love. I hope you can understand what that means…eventually. I found joy in you, the family we built, and that sweet little girl you gave me. Liam, please remember the joy. It’s the root of everything good, and it will heal that which isn’t.
I don’t think there is a greater love than the love you carry. Remember to love – all things – even when it’s hard to remember how. It will see you through the hard times and bring you joy during the good…there’s that word again…joy. I know our parting isn’t going to be easy for you. My only regret is that I can’t help you carry that burden because I would gladly take it with me if I could, but that would mean I take everything we cherish too. Do you understand that, Liam?
I need you to understand that the greater the hurt, the greater the love, and our love is bigger than the sky, remember? It’s okay to hurt. With every bad day you have, remember the endless good we shared. The beautiful life full of incredible memories is why it hurts so bad, but they’re also what will see you through. Your grief is a testament to the love we share. For every bad day, there will be endless good…so long as you let your heart feel it.
I’ve left you with the arduous task of raising a daughter alone, and I know you’re going to think it impossible, but I can’t think of a better man to do right by her. On those days where you do think it’s impossible, and you aren’t sure what to do – just love her. Just…love her, Liam. If you do that and teach her to love like only you can love, she’ll live a full and charmed life.
You’re my everything, Liam – my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my hero, my blessing, my first and only forever love. Please be my hero once more. Let yourself have the life you deserve, even if it’s without me. Live a whole life because half a life…it’s just not you.
Brother's Keeper V: Wylie (the complete series BOX SET): NEW RELEASE + Series Box SET included! Page 44