Charlie raises his hand as though he wants to smack the back of my head. “Are you five, Connor? I raised you. I fucking taught what to do with girls. I fucking taught you to—“
“I don’t mind being a father, Charlie. I mean with her by my side I can be a father, have a family and all that stuff.”
“That’s fucking insane.”
“I’m an orphan, Charlie. If she’s pregnant with me I want the baby to have a family. To have two parents, do you understand? I’ve never had that. I don’t even remember my parents. I don’t want another kid to live like this, without roots, without a normal childhood.”
Charlie huffs again. “Okay. Get it.” He nods at me several times. “I will try to find her but there are rules, Connor. I’m the boss here. Understood?”
“You’re the boss. As always.”
“Okay. Send those shots of her to my phone.”
“Do you need money? I have savings in my bank account.”
“We’ll talk about it later.”
We finish our beer and go to get some take away and eat it, sitting on the beach.
“How are the boys?” Charlie asks.
“Coyote is fine, but Hale’s life is a slippery slope.”
“It’s like with our parents. We couldn’t fix them no matter how hard we tried.”
“Hale doesn’t want to listen to us at all. He thinks he has everything under control.”
Charlie sighs as though he’s exhausted. “That’s the whole problem.”
We stop talking and stare at the glassy blackness of the sea. Then I guide him to my place. He sleeps in my bed and I sleep on the floor.
The next morning, Charlie goes to Rosrick and I buy a map of the area as he advised me and start searching for Eavan according to his tips. He’s the professional here, after all.
My life is about a routine.
I wake up, have a shower, and grab something to eat then jump into my car and look for Eavan but it seems like she’s vanished.
Charlie calls me every evening, but he’s not very optimistic.
Tonight, I’m sitting at the table outside of the pub near the flat I’m renting. The smell of seaweed invades my nostrils and fills me with a sense of nostalgia. The pyramid white heater swishes on my left, sheltering me with pleasant warmth from the chill of the night.
A slim figure drops onto the bench at the opposite edge of the table.
“Hello, handsome,” a female voice says.
I raise my head and recognise Alice. Anger wells up in my chest. “What are you doing here?”
“I thought you might need company.”
“You were wrong.”
“What are you doing, Seafra?”
“I’m enjoying my solitude.”
“Come on, let’s have some fun together. You look like you need some fun.”
“I don’t need more fun. I’m having a lot of fun on my own.”
“Hale and Coyote are concerned about you.”
I roll my fingers into fists. “Did they send you?”
Her chin trembles. “No, I thought—“
“You were wrong, Alice.”
“I can make you feel good, you know that. Just tell me what you need.” She rises to her feet, arcs the table and sits beside me.
The smell of her perfume engulfs me, jasmine and mandarin with the notes of spice.
“Just tell me what you need,” she repeats in a low voice. “My mouth? My ass?”
Heat rushes to my dick as she kisses my cheek.
“I’ll be on all fours and you’ll fuck me in the ass,” she says. “Interested?” Her hand travels to the bulge in my trousers. “Tell me, baby. Interested?” She strokes my hard on through the fabric of my jeans. “You’re interested. Good. Let’s go to your place.”
I haven’t had any woman after Eavan, and Alice has just reminded me that my dick needs a warm hole to fuck. She always knows how to make me feel good.
“We can find another pussy to entertain us,” Alice says. “What do you think? I will fuck a pussy with my mouth and you will fuck my ass.” She strokes my hard dick harder then slides her fingers under my pants.
Fuck. I need sex. The last five years of my life have been about singing and sex. The singing is my air, food, and addiction; the sex is my release and forgetfulness, my way to get rid of adrenaline. It’s always been easy and pleasant, but I’ve never associated it with any meaning. Alice is easy and available. She’s always been fun. Nothing more.
Her skilled fingers make me feel good. Heat rolls over my lower body, my toes curling. Then coldness fills my veins at the memory of Tony’s words. I grab Alice’s wrist and take her hand off me. I don’t want to come for Alice. I want to come only for Eavan. Or I can jerk off.
My phone vibrates in the back pocket of my jeans. I take it out and read a message from an unknown number.
I miss you so much that it’s killing me. Forgive me.
My heart jumps up into my throat and I pull myself up, shoving Alice to the side.
The message is from Eavan. I just fucking know that. Everything crumbles inside me, disintegrates and is rebuilt, creating a new me. Sex has a meaning. Sex means her. Every touch has a meaning. Every touch means her. Eavan is my air, my food, my addiction. My release, my forgetfulness. My pain. But I prefer to feel pain than give up on her.
I stagger among the tables as Alice catches up with me.
“Seafra.” Her hand grabs my wrist.
“Fuck off, Alice. We’re through.”
“What the fuck is wrong with all of you,” she hisses. “You... Coyote... That’s like a fucking kindergarten.”
She has my attention. “What about Coyote?”
“He’s just burbling and burbling about that girl without legs, you know. All the time. She has no legs, you know. Even thinking about Coyote and her in an intimate situation is kind of disgusting.”
I hook the back of her neck with my hand and squeeze it, forcing a groan from her mouth. “Fuck off, Alice. And never ever insult Ruby again.” I shove her forward. “Get out of my face.”
She shows me her middle finger. “Sick fuck.”
“Get out.”
She shakes her head and walks off.
I call Coyote. He answers in a sleepy voice.
“Are you still alive?” Coyote asks.
“It seems like I am. How are you?”
“Fine. You?”
“Could be better. I have just had a chat with Alice.”
“She’s hopeless.”
“Ruby wasn’t hopeless, huh?”
“Fuck off.”
“Ruby was pretty and adorable, huh?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“I will find them, Coyote.”
“I haven’t decided yet whether I want to be a decent guy or not. I like to be free, you know. That chick would mean no freedom any longer.”
“But you like Ruby, huh?”
“I like her very much. I may even like her more than my freedom. I haven’t decided yet. Let me know when you find them and take care, man.”
“Take care.”
I disconnect and return to my flat. There is no woman in my bed so I decide to have fun with my own hand. It’s not bad. Stroking my cock, I think about Eavan. I’d have her on all fours, naked and she’d moan my name. I’d fuck her slowly from behind, pinching her nipples. She’d push her ass against my groin, demanding harder and faster. I’d fuck her harder.
I come almost at once. Then I roll in bed the whole night.
Two weeks later, I meet up with Charlie in the pub. His face is greyish, cheeks sunken, and something violent blazes in his eyes.
“So,” I start. “Any news?”
“You’re going to fucking forget about that bitch forever, do you understand, Connor?”
“Mind your words, Charlie.”
“No, listen to me, boy.” He looks really pissed off or scared, I can’t tell. Putting his elbows on the table, he leans towards me. “Leave it.”
“No.”<
br />
“You’ll fucking leave it right now, do you understand?”
“No. I’m not leaving it.”
He shakes his head and slams his fist on the table as his jaw muscles twitch. “Two phrases ‘mafia’ and ‘the witness protection program’. Leave it or you’ll kill her. Or yourself. Or both of you. Do you understand? I’m not digging deeper, for fuck’s sake. It’s fucking dangerous.”
My mind goes blank for a moment then something heavy sits on my chest and my heart hammers in my chest. “What does that all mean, Charlie?”
“You can expose her, Connor, kill her, man. Forget about her.”
“Do you know where she is?”
“Not yet.”
“Find her.”
“No, Connor. Forget about her for your own good.”
“Find her. She’s been sending messages to me, each time from a different phone number. Find her, Charlie. She wants to be found.”
Chapter 12
Eavan
I send him a text every day. Typing a few words for him takes me to another realm. It feels as though I’m with him again.
It’s rainy.
I miss you.
I’m so lonely.
The sun is beautiful.
I’m hungry. You?
Stupid words, but so powerful at the same time, bringing him to me for a brief moment even though he’s far away from me.
I am lonely.
Ruby and Jack are gone.
I sleep two hours a day, fearing that something bad can happen to them. So far, no cop has appeared at my doorstep so I continue my routine. My morning sickness is getting worse and worse. A walk, my job, a thousand of doubts, nightmares are my grey blurry reality.
Tonight, I’m sitting on the stone wall around the Cathedral.
I have just sent another text to Seafra: I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused you. I wish things were different for us.
Then I bath in the pleasant environment of my happy memories.
I’m holding a birthday cake in my hands.
“For me?” Jack asks.
“For you, birthday boy,” I say. “Ruby and I made it for you. It looks horrible—“
“Looks great.” Jack turns his face away to hide his glassy eyes.
We sit around the table and Ruby cuts the cake with a big knife. “Happy birthday, Jack.”
“Just don’t sing, Ruby,” Jack says. “You can’t sing, you know that?”
Ruby takes a deep breath and sings as loud as she can. I burst into laughter then join her. Jack’s face lights up and a genuine smile crosses his face.
A man sits beside me and uneasiness surges through me. I zip up my hoody, shoving my hands into the pockets and shoot him a warning glance as a cloud of vapour leaves my mouth. It’s cold, but I don’t want to go to my house yet. The emptiness there is killing me. The memories are tormenting me.
“It’s a lovely evening,” the man says in a husky voice. “Very cold but lovely.”
“It is indeed,” I say.
Our glances meet and the flicker in his blue eyes reminds me of Seafra. Fucking hell. Every man is Seafra for me.
I look for him among the crowds I pass every day and among the people I serve. I crave his arms and kisses. I want him to find me even though I know it will never happen.
We have to forget about each other. Well, it’s the ultimate hypocrisy given the fact that I text him almost every day.
“Such a pretty face shouldn’t be so sad,” the man says.
“I’m not sad,” I snap.
“Charlie,” the man says.
“Fuck off, Charlie,” I say and rise to my feet, but nausea pins me down and I collapse back onto the wall.
My mind spins and I retch.
“You okay?” Charlie asks with concern.
“None of your fucking business.”
“Are you pregnant?” There is even more concern in his voice.
“Fuck off, man, before I call the police.”
He raises his hands in a warding gesture. “Just trying to help. You look like shit. Sorry, but you really do.”
“I don’t need your help.”
Charlie chuckles. “When is the baby due?”
“In four months.” My insides turn solid like rock and I scold myself for my honesty in my head.
It’s none of his business. We shouldn’t even be talking, yet I can’t move, unsure whether this is my pregnancy or my need to be with a human being for a moment.
Charlie nods several times, his eyes sweeping over the Cathedral. “The father?”
“Are you interrogating me or what?”
“Yes, I am interrogating you.”
I burst into laughter. “Do you interrogate every woman you meet?”
“No.”
“So I must look very miserable.”
“More than very miserable.”
I suck in a breath and choke back tears. “The father is a good guy actually, but my life is too shitty for him. We can’t be together.”
“But it seems like your life is not too shitty for your baby.”
His comment stabs me like a knife. “I didn’t plan that. I’m just trying to figure out what to do.”
“Maybe the father will know what to do.”
“Maybe.”
“Would you like him to take care of you?”
“Maybe.”
Charlie rises from his seat with a sigh as though he’s very tired and stands in front of me. “Do you want me to walk you home?”
“No offence, but I want to stay alive. You look like a nice person, but no, thanks. You might be a rapist or a serial killer, no offence. My life is really hard now but I like being alive.” As I finish my monologue, Charlie extends his arm and we shake hands.
“Good luck then,” he says and smirks at me.
“Thanks. The same for you.”
“You need it more than me.”
“Maybe.”
He winks at me and walks off as I remain frozen, stunned by the conversation I’ve just had with a complete stranger.
Compose yourself. Pregnant women are allowed to do stupid things.
I pull myself up with effort and cringe into myself at the coldness of the wind then move towards the Cathedral’s main entrance, passing it and entering the narrow passage. My feet shuffle through the autumnal leaves layering the pavement like the carpet of tiny mummified bodies. The rustle fills me with melancholy like a sad ballad then a thought blasts in my head.
Maybe I should tell Seafra about the baby. Maybe he’d want to live with me in some place far from here where nobody could find us.
Can I ruin his life like my father ruined Ruby’s and mine? No, I can’t. He doesn’t belong to my world and I don’t belong to his. Our baby is in between, connecting us like a bridge, but neither of us can step onto that bridge. We’re condemned to stay at the opposite ends of the bridge, to crave each other, but never touch each other.
I approach my house and notice two figures standing at the doorstep. Fuck, they’re cops. I take a deep breath and flash them the sweetest of my smiles.
They interrogate me for two hours. I’m playing a sweet idiot.
“Really? Escaped?” I say. “Jack and Ruby went to do some shopping two hours ago. They’ll be back in a minute or two.”
The cops don’t seem to believe me, so I play a really stupid person.
“Maybe you mistaken us for somebody else?” I say.
They leave the house, shaking their heads.
Two weeks later, I walk from work. A slim figure is sitting on the steps by the front door of my house. My heart stops beating as I recognise Ruby. Her eyes shift to mine and I see death in her gaze.
Chapter 13
Eavan
Ruby hasn’t gotten up for three days. It has happened for the third time within a month.
Her soul is sick again.
Jack and she tried to get to Alaska, but the cops caught them and shot Jack dead. The blonde bitch, Natalie, who is lookin
g after Ruby and me now, was very straightforward about it.
“We had to take him,” she said. “For the alleged kidnapping.”
“He was our friend,” I yelled, knocking over the chair I was sitting in.
The banging sound echoed in the interrogation room I’d visited four times so far as another cop walked in, a man in his fifties, anger pervading his glance.
“We had to follow the protocols,” Natalie said.
“You killed my friend,” I said. “You killed my sister again.”
“Your daddy killed you both when you were born,” the male cop said. “We’re just trying to deter the moment you and your sister rest in your caskets. Behave or you’ll be on your own. And that will mean bye-bye life and welcome the afterlife.”
“Jack was one of you,” I said, sobbing, and the man glared at me.
Natalie tilted her head towards the door. “Give us a minute, Mike.”
Mike left the interrogation room as I fixed my eyes on Natalie. She dropped into the chair, waving her hand towards me so I lifted my chair and sat down.
“Ruby didn’t see his death,” she said. “We took him outside of the motel whilst she was having a shower.”
“You killed a cop. A. Cop. Your colleague.”
“Jack stopped being a cop the moment he broke the law and started an intimate relationship with Ruby.”
“They loved each other.”
“Jack wasn’t allowed to have feelings for any of you. He was supposed to do his job properly and ensure your safety.”
“He saved us twice. He was a good man. A good man who deserved to be happy.”
Natalie’s eye twitched. “I’m sorry. Sometimes good people make very bad decisions in life.”
I breathe in the cold air rustling the lilac curtain hanging in Ruby’s bedroom.
“How are you, honey?” I ask and stroke her head.
“Not bad,” she shrieks.
I remove my trainers and lie down beside her. We’re facing each other. Ruby’s hand travels to my pregnant belly.
“How is our little treasure?” she asks.
“Very naughty.”
“You should tell him.”
“You know I can’t contact him. Natalie—“
“Screw Natalie. Let’s pack our clothes and go to where nobody can find us. Let’s take Seafra with us. Let’s go to a nice place far from everybody else.”
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