“At least you’re now admitting what I’ve known and obviously your daughter has for the past few weeks. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Why do women always want to talk about their feelings? No, I don’t want to talk. I want to forget Tracy even existed.”
Do you really? Alexa took a step closer to Ian. “Why?”
“Why! How can you ask that? She walked out on me and Jana. How can a mother do that to her child? I can understand abandoning a husband—me—” he thumped his chest “—but she practically ignored her daughter for over a year.” All pretenses faded from his posture, expression, tone of voice, to be replaced with his anger, directed at his ex-wife. “And now she’s waltzing back into Jana’s life like nothing is different and wants to pick up as though the past seventeen months didn’t happen.”
“You’re worried Jana won’t be able to handle this visit—or is it more about you not being able to handle Tracy’s reappearance?”
Ian flexed his hands, then curled them into a tight ball, his knuckles whitening. “When she walked out, she gave up certain rights.”
“Like what? The right to hurt you anymore?”
A storm brewed in the depths of his blue eyes. “How about Jana? Tracy says she’ll call and talk to Jana every week now, but what happens when she grows tired of doing that? I’m the one who’ll be left to pick up the pieces.”
“Give your daughter some credit. We talked. She understands her mother better now than you think, and when she doesn’t, she has you.”
“Doesn’t stop the hurt.”
“Again, for her or you?”
“I’m past the hurt. I’m angry at her for what she did to my daughter. Forget about me.”
It would be easier if she could forget about him, but she couldn’t. Alexa moved even closer, although his anger blasted the short space between them. “But you are tied up in this. This anger is controlling you. For a person who has desperately tried to control his life, you’re letting your ex-wife run it.”
“I am not…” He swallowed the rest of the sentence, glanced away for a moment before reestablishing eye contact with Alexa. The look bore into her.
“Forgive her. Let your anger go. If you don’t, she will always be in control. Is that what you really want?”
“She betrayed me. Had an affair. Left without a word. Had little to do with Jana for over a year until now.”
“I know and I didn’t say it was gonna be easy. In fact, it might be one of the hardest things you ever do. Aren’t you the one who helped me through what happened between my father and me?”
“This is different.”
“Is it really? The anger consuming you is the same. And the way to fix it is the same.” She splayed her hand over her chest. “Take it from someone who knows and has gone through it recently. Once I forgave my father, I felt such a peace and freedom from the past. The Lord can help you through it.”
“I prayed for help when Tracy left. I didn’t get an answer.”
“Maybe you did get an answer, but it wasn’t what you wanted to hear.”
He drew himself up into a warrior stance—his arms held slightly away from his body, his shoulders thrust back, his head held high. “What your father did only affected you. What Tracy did affects Jana, too, not just me.”
“That’s an excuse to continue to hold on to your anger. I think your daughter actually feels sorry for her mother.”
“She said that?”
“Jana doesn’t think Tracy’s really happy.”
“She isn’t?” He lowered his gaze, masking it from Alexa.
Is that hope in his voice? Her heart ached at the thought she’d lost Ian for good today. The few kisses they’d shared were only because he was on the rebound. She’d never accept a relationship that couldn’t be one hundred percent. “Your daughter is very perceptive. She thinks her mother is trying too hard to appear happy.”
“I have a hard time having any empathy for Tracy when I remember my daughter’s tears, questions and anxiety. How can I forget that first time Jana fell apart and refused to leave the house, all the times she clung to me in fear I would abandon her too? No matter what I told her about how I would never leave her, that I knew what that was like, she still didn’t believe me—not at first. It’s taken almost a year of therapy to get her to where she now goes out without me.”
“I’m not saying you should forget. I’m saying you should forgive. Those two things are different and don’t have to go hand in hand.”
The rigidity of his stance collapsed, and he sank back against the front of his desk right behind him. He gripped its edge. “What if Tracy wants to take Jana? Wants joint custody? What if this visit is leading up to that?”
“Is that what you’re really afraid of—losing Jana?”
He blew a breath out and nodded. “The courts seem to favor mothers over fathers, especially where a daughter is concerned.”
“You have full custody of her now?” She’d never asked that question, just assumed.
“Yes. Tracy didn’t want it.”
“I know weird things can happen, but I don’t think you need to worry. You’ve been there for Jana for seventeen months. You didn’t leave her. That’s got to count for something. And besides, Jana will never forget that. She loves you.”
“I know, but—”
“Don’t worry about something that probably won’t ever happen. It’s wasted energy.”
“That’s easy to say. You aren’t a parent.”
She really tried not to let his words hurt her. He was right. She wasn’t a mother, but she knew what worrying did to a person. As a teen she’d lived a life of worry. “You’re right. I’m not, but I care deeply for Jana.” And you. But she would never share that with him. “Talk to Tracy. Find out what’s going on before you let this worry eat you up. And pray for guidance.”
Before Ian could reply, the phone cut into the silence. He jerked around and snatched up the receiver, a frown descending over his features. “Hello.” There was a long pause then he said, “A movie? When will you be home?” His scowl deepened. “Fine. I’ll see you at ten-thirty then.” When he hung up, his hand lingered on the phone as he stared down at the desk.
“Jana’s going to the movies with her mother?”
“Yeah.”
“How did she sound?”
“Okay. She’s been wanting to see this movie and said something to Tracy. That’s when her mother thought it would be fun to see it together.”
“And you don’t like it?”
He lifted his head and stabbed her with a razor-sharp look. “No, I’d wanted to take her to see it after the fifteenth, when I had more time.”
“There will be other movies.” After she spoke, she realized how hollow those words sounded to a man hurting and struggling with his emotions concerning his ex-wife who had deserted him. “Tell you what, why don’t I fix us something for dinner while you get some of the work you need to do finished. I’ll come get you when I’ve got it prepared. Okay?”
A war of conflicting feelings—anger, sadness and resignation—paraded across his features. Finally resignation won out. “Fine.”
Alexa left Ian as he sat behind his desk. While she closed the door to the office, she peeked in and glimpsed him scrubbing his hands down his face as though trying to keep himself alert after many sleepless nights. In that moment she wanted more than anything for him to love her, but she knew it wasn’t going to happen, that she needed to move on, think about her dream and her future. She would call the Christian Teachers International Organization on Monday and accept the scholarship.
Chapter Twelve
“Did you have a nice time at the Tallgrass Prairie Preserve?” Ian asked as he let Jana and Tracy into the house late Saturday afternoon.
“Yeah, I saw several buffalo calves. They were so cute.” Jana’s cheeks were rosy from too much sun.
Didn’t Tracy see their daughter needed some sun-screen? Ian gritted his teeth to keep his c
riticism to himself. His ex-wife was leaving tomorrow morning, and he couldn’t be happier. He hated this disruption to their life. Jana and he were doing just fine before she’d come back as though nothing happened. Probably not even aware of what their daughter had really gone through with her leaving.
Sugar bounded into the foyer, tail wagging as she leaped up and down. Jana scooped her pet up into her arms. “I’d better go feed her. Will ya stay a little while, Mom?”
“I need to talk to your father then I’ll come find you. Okay?”
Jana glanced from him to her mother. “Yeah.” His daughter’s gaze lit upon him again, and she hesitated, but Sugar wiggled so much in her arms she released her dog and quickly hurried after the yelping animal.
“What do you want?” Ian brought his attention back to Tracy.
“Let’s talk somewhere private.”
That didn’t bode well. A tightening in his gut increased its grip as he strode toward his office and gestured for Tracy to go inside first. Why did he feel as if he was walking to his doom? He closed the door, faced the woman who had betrayed him and waited for her to say something.
She scanned the room. “This has a more lived-in look than your office where you worked downtown.”
He stiffened. “Is that what you wanted to point out, the difference in the decor of my two offices?”
“No, not really. Just an observation.” She sauntered to the couch and sat. “Please have a seat. It’s been a long day, and we did a lot of walking. I would have preferred to go shopping, but oh, well.” After sliding to one end, she patted the cushion. “You haven’t loosened up a bit this past year, have you? Sit.”
A thought invaded Ian’s mind. Tracy sounded like Jana teaching Sugar a dog trick. The implication raised the heat in his blood. He remained standing. “I’ve been sitting all day. I’m fine just like this.”
“Suit yourself. You always have.”
“If all we’re going to do is exchange barbs, I think this conversation is at an end.” He started for the door.
“I want Jana to come visit me this summer in Arizona.”
Halting in midstride, he closed his eyes, trying to picture anything that would calm his rapidly skyrocketing temper. An image of Alexa popped into his mind. For a few seconds her smile filled him with serenity.
“Ian, did you hear me?”
Tracy’s grating tone scraped down his spine, and he went rigid as he pivoted toward her. “Excuse me.”
“I want Jana to visit me. We can go see some of the sights around there. I know she’d love the Grand Canyon.”
“You know? How? You haven’t spent much time with her.”
“I want to change that. People can do that even if you haven’t. You’re the same rigid man I married twelve years ago and thought I could change.”
Her comment made him vividly aware of his stiff stance that supported exactly what she’d said. He forced himself to relax his posture although he couldn’t unfurl his hands.
“You never wanted to do anything fun. All you did was work. I poured my heart into decorating this house, and you hardly said a word. And when you did have time, you wanted to spend it all as a family.”
“I was trying to earn a living to support your decorating trips to Dallas and Kansas City with your friends.”
She held up her hand. “I didn’t come here to discuss our past. It’s over. I’ve come to the conclusion you can’t change any man.” A frown twisted her mouth.
“A woman can change, but a man can’t?”
“Exactly.”
“Why did you come back after all this time?”
“To see my daughter.”
“Why didn’t you before now?”
“I—I…” Tracy peered away, biting her lower lip. “Jana and I talked today, and I’m gonna do better. I was wrong not to. I was trying to make my new marriage work. It required all my time and energy.”
“It isn’t working?”
“No. Sam is okay, and I know he loves me—” she threw him a pointed look “—which is more than I could have said for you, but I don’t think I’m meant to be married.”
“Have you told Sam?” Strangely, he should feel vindicated and elated at what was happening to Tracy. He didn’t, which surprised him.
“No, I’m not going to give up. I’m going to work at my marriage. That’s one of the reasons we took this cross-country trip.”
“Why didn’t you work at our marriage? You never talked to me about what you were really feeling.”
“Feelings? Do you have any?”
He ground his teeth together. If the pain he’d experienced was any indication, his emotions were alive and well.
“You’re so reserved. Everything had a place, even me.”
All he wanted was to end this conversation. “Jana has had a hard time since you left. Did you even know your daughter is seeing a therapist? I’m not uprooting her and sending her halfway across the country to visit you. You’re free to come here if you want.” And he meant that, which was another surprise to him. He continued his trek to the door and thrust it open, relishing the fresh air that seemed to rush into the heated atmosphere in his office. “Just give me notice. Good night, Tracy.”
Glaring at him, she shot to her feet. “Do we have to go back to court?”
“Do what you feel you need to.” He stared straight ahead. I refuse to worry about it anymore. I will deal with it when or if it happens. Alexa’s right. I can’t control her actions.
Tracy walked to him. “Look, I’ll admit I handled our situation all wrong. I know that. I’ve already admitted I should have contacted Jana more often, but—”
“Sending her a present on special occasions isn’t really contact, Tracy. She needed to hear your voice. She needed to understand why you abandoned her.”
“Abandoned her? I left her in your care while I tried to figure out what I wanted in life. I was a mess to be around. She didn’t need to see that.”
He raised one brow. “And did you figure it out as you rushed into another marriage?”
“I’m working on it.” Tears gleamed in her eyes.
“Oh, don’t you dare start crying and think that’s going to control me.”
“I never thought I could control you. You do such a good job of that yourself.”
Control? He had little of that. This visit hammered home that fact.
Ian glanced down the hallway, heard his daughter in the kitchen and stepped back into the office, closing the door so she wouldn’t hear their conversation, which obviously wasn’t over. “Yes, you thought you could control me. I went to work for that big accounting firm downtown that you just complained I worked for all the time. I did it because you wanted me to when I wanted to open my own office. Maybe I wouldn’t have made as much money, but I would have been able to spend more time with you and Jana.”
“Jana! You were always thinking about her.”
“She’s our daughter. Why wouldn’t I? We were a family.”
“I wanted some of that time.” She pointed to herself. “I needed to feel like I was the most important person in your life.”
“This wasn’t a competition between you and Jana. I loved you two equally.” In that moment he realized he didn’t love Tracy anymore—hadn’t in over a year. That his anger had come from what had happened to Jana and the fact he hadn’t been able to control anything that occurred concerning Tracy.
Tracy’s mouth pinched together. She reached for the door. “It wasn’t enough. I want to see Jana more. Don’t make this difficult for everyone.”
Tracy stalked toward the den. Ian hurried after her, afraid of what his ex-wife would do or say to Jana.
Lord, I need Your help. What am I supposed to do?
Stopping inside the entrance, Tracy plastered a huge smile on her face. “Honey, I wanted to give you another hug before I leave.”
Jana tossed a small ball for Sugar, then rose from the floor and headed for her mother. “I had fun today. Thanks, M
om.”
Tracy took Jana into her arms and planted a kiss on the top of her daughter’s head. “I’ll call you when I get back home. I want us to spend more time together in Phoenix. I’m hoping your dad—” she tossed a piercing glance at Ian “—will allow it.”
Ian tensed, wishing he’d never let the woman into the house. This day couldn’t get any worse.
“Dad?” Jana turned toward him.
“We’ll talk about it later,” was all he could think of to say to his daughter, whose eyes searched his face with accusation in them.
“We can have such fun when you come.” His ex-wife gave Jana another quick hug, clasped Jana’s hand and strode toward the foyer with his daughter.
After months of working to get Jana in a place where she could heal, was all that going to be destroyed with one visit from Tracy? Ian shook the question from his mind and quickly trailed after the pair.
Lord, where are You?
At the front door Tracy placed her hands on Jana’s shoulders. “I’m thinking the first of June. It’ll be hot but not as bad as July and August. We have a pool, so you can swim when we aren’t going places.” After a kiss on his daughter’s cheek, Tracy left.
Left him to face Jana.
Left him to explain why he didn’t want his daughter to fly by herself to Phoenix and see Tracy. What if she never returned to Tallgrass? What if she preferred living with her mom and stepfather? Panic attacked his insides, twisting his gut into a huge knot. It was all he could do to remain in the entry hall. Tracy had abandoned him without giving him a chance to fix things, and now even Alexa would be leaving after she graduated in December. He couldn’t deal with his daughter leaving, too.
Please, Lord, help me. What do I do?
“Dad, are you all right?”
Jana’s question, spoken with concern not anger, reined in his spiraling panic. “No. I—I don’t want you to go in June.”
“Why?”
It’s too soon. You have so much more healing to do. I don’t want to lose you.
“We need to talk with your therapist about this. I’m not sure it’s a good idea after the past year. I’ll go with you to your next session and see what she thinks.” It was a copout, but he didn’t know what else to do. “Did you really have a good time?”
Love Lessons Page 17