by S. L. Jayne
I need to get out of here, I need to get away from him. I haven’t had in-depth talks about him or even thought out loud about him in all this time.
“I didn’t think you wanted me around you since you didn’t talk to me either. I thought you were ashamed of me, Ava! You made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone that we hooked up!”
I felt a stab in my chest, I had to remind myself that he didn’t know I had been crushing on him since third grade.
“And that’s exactly why I made you do it, Ryan! I was just a hook up to you! I didn’t want people thinking I was just a drunken fumble, but it looks like you were also thinking exactly what they would have thought anyway! I don’t know why it hurts more hearing it from you though, I’ve always known what you’re like!” I said with slightly more venom in my voice than I had intended.
He stepped towards me and put his hands on my shoulders holding me on the spot. Blocking out the feeling of his having his hands on me, I looked up at him as he brought his face closer.
“What I was like, Ava. I was an asshole and I didn’t care about who I hooked up with or how they felt afterwards when I walked out on them to re-join the party. With you it was different, I didn’t go back in to that party, Ava. I went home,” His voice was thick and his eyes were boring into mine.
Raising my eyebrows I shot him a sarcastic look. “Why did you go home? I’m sure I wasn’t the first girl to give her virginity to you!”
He kept his eyes on mine. “No, you weren’t, but you were the first and only girl whose virginity meant something to me. I went home because I was pissed at you for making me promise and pissed at myself for feeling hurt. I never felt hurt over girls, until you, Ava.”
I shake my head trying to block his words from sinking in.
I can’t just take his word for it. I have to get away from him.
July 2013
“Are you excited?” Rylee asked as she lay on my bed watching me struggle to close my suitcase.
I smiled up at her. “Yeah I am. I’m looking forward to getting away from here but sad about leaving my parents, they’ll miss us hanging around here eating all dad’s muffins.”
I know it will be hard for my parents, they are supporting our decision to move away and have helped us every step of the way with travel arrangements and making sure we had everything ready in time.
“I know, I’ll miss them too,” Rylee said as she stared at the ceiling.
I finally zipped up my suitcase and wheeled it across my bedroom to leave it by the door. Unlike Rylee I opted out of taking everything with me, I understand her reason though. She had already said her goodbyes to her mom and Connor earlier today, she said it had gone as well as she had expected and didn’t want to talk about it much.
I walked over to the bed and sat down opposite Rylee. “So we have two hours until the party, what are you wearing?”
We had been invited by Adam to Drew’s bonfire party down at the lake behind his house, he calls it our end of school tradition and everyone attends. It’s great timing because we get to say our goodbyes before we leave in the morning.
“As it’s the first time I’ll be able to come to a party and actually have more than one drink, I’m celebrating by wearing that summer dress of yours that you never wear,” she said with a huge grin.
She always loved that dress, I told her she could have it but she didn’t want to take it, she said she would always just borrow it.
I jumped up off the bed to get the dress from my closet. “You look great in this, the guys are going to freak! With your pretty blonde hair, beautiful deep blue eyes and stunning sun kissed tan,” I said as I held it up.
Rylee shook her head and laughed. “I have no idea what you see when you look at me but I don’t see that, I see a normal skin tone, plain blonde hair and blue eyes.”
I walked over to the bed, put my hands on her shoulders and leaned down to look her in the eye. “That’s because you don’t believe how amazing you are, girl. Just you wait until we are away from here, you’re going to learn to have faith in yourself. The rest will come in time.”
It was a little after six thirty, we were ready to meet Hanna. She had texted back earlier to say she was definitely still going as she wasn’t going to miss out on seeing Dean, and said we could get a ride with her and Dean so we arranged to meet at the top of the street just past my house. I called through to my mom and dad that we were leaving.
“Bye, sweethearts. Don’t forget your curfew, Ava. Have fun but don’t get drunk. Stick together and if you get stuck and need to get home before Hanna leaves then call me!” She gives me the same speech every time I go out, but I know it’s because she worries.
“Yes, Mom. Byeee,,” I called over my shoulder as we walked out the door.
Rylee giggled as I rolled my eyes at my mom’s run down of dos and don’ts. “You’re so damn lucky to have cool parents!”
I laughed. “Yeah I know, but, Ry? Don’t say my parents and cool in the same sentence again… Please!” I said shaking my head.
“Hey guys, where’s Lillie-Mai?” I asked as we climbed into Dean’s car.
Hanna shifted in her seat to face me. “She bailed, said she had other stuff to do. I have no idea what could be better to do than go to a party but whatever, we’ll still have fun.”
I’m kind of bummed that I won’t get to say goodbye to Lillie-Mai but she has drifted from our group a lot in the past year or so since she got more into music, she could always sing well but wanted to learn how to play guitar and she found the perfect teacher in her new boyfriend.
“Yeah, it’s got to be fun, we leave tomorrow so we want good memories,” I said as I looked out the window.
I’ll have good memories as long as I stay the heck away from Ryan tonight.
Rylee’s voice pulled me from my trance. “Just ignore him if he’s there, sweetie. I know it’s playing on your mind but please don’t let his asshole ways get to you.”
I turned to face her. “I know, I really should be over it by now it’s stupid and I really should have expected it.”
I knew what everyone would think and I knew what I was getting myself into by having sex with Ryan that night, but it’s just so hard seeing him and pretending that even after all this time it still hurts that we have barely spoken. I miss being on his ‘friends’ not ‘fucks’ list.
When we arrived at the lake it was already full of people, they must have got here a lot earlier than us. Rylee, Hanna and I walked around and found a spot to sit at away from all the bitchy girls and away from the jerks that always have an opinion on what we’re wearing and how we look ‘do-able’. We chatted amongst ourselves about graduation and all the things we had done growing up together.
After an hour or so Sophie and Kelsie joined us and had brought drinks with them, turning our moment of nostalgia into full on laughing and joking. We’ll miss these girls the most, I’ll miss a few guys too, Adam and Josh mostly. Cheering roared from over by the bonfire, I turned to see what the commotion was and saw Ryan doing body shots with Charlotte.
I heard Rylee and Sophie gasp. “What a douche, I can’t believe he’s doing that with her of all people!” I heard Sophie say. I could feel the sick feeling rise, I hated that I still felt things when I saw him with other girls.
I tore my gaze away from them and turned to face the girls. I took a deep breath in and mustered up my best fake smile. “Yeah, well he has been through most of Barbie’s friends so why stop there. Tonight isn’t about him, he’s not going to ruin it for us. It’s our last night together and I’m going to enjoy it.”
Adam and Josh found us, Hanna had gone to find Drew but said she would be back. We all got up and danced and sang along to songs we loved. I overheard Adam and Josh coming up with a master plan to coax Sophie down to the lake so he could throw her in and Josh play hero by jumping in to save her. I had a feeling he liked her but I had never asked him, I guess this is Adam’s way of helping him. My eyes went wide and laughter
erupted from me when I saw Adam running up behind Sophie.
“Sophie, move, quick!” My warning to her came out more of a high pitched squeal.
Sophie ran towards me and let out a scream. “What? Why? What’s-“
Adam sneaked around to her front and grabbed her by the waist throwing her over his shoulder.
“Adam, put me down! Now!” She screamed as she kicked her legs and smacked him on the back.
“Sorry, sweetheart, but Josh wants you wet!” Adam said as he gave her a playful smack on her ass and took off towards the lake.
We all burst out laughing as we ran to catch up with Adam who was now by the edge of the lake and had Sophie in position to throw her in.
“No! No! No! Adam, no! Josh, help me!” Sophie said through her laughter.
Before any of us could stop him he shouted “Three!” and hurled Sophie into the lake and Josh went in after her. I turned to face where Rylee and Kelsie were standing, they were bent over trying to catch their breath from laughing so hard.
“Oh my god, poor Sophie!” I called over to them.
***
I made my way through the crowd in the house to go to the bathroom, I was feeling a little lightheaded and needed to splash my face with water. It was dark and the lights were off in the house as everyone was outside, I knew my way to the bathroom so I didn’t need to turn them on. As I walked down the hall to the stairs I heard giggling, I rounded the corner and bumped straight into them.
“Oh, sorry! I’m going to the bathroom, excuse me,” I said as I walked around them towards the stairs.
“Ava?”
I know that voice, I may not have noticed it was him with his face buried in the girl’s neck but I can’t mistake his voice, it was deep and smooth and made me shudder every time I heard it. I ignored him and walked faster up the stairs, I entered the bathroom and locked the door behind me. Standing with my back against the door, I tilt my head back, close my eyes and take in a few deep breaths. I have to shake him off, shake that night off, it meant nothing to him. I had to remember that.
I finished up in the bathroom and made my way back down the stairs, it was quiet now so I guessed the giggler had returned to the party. I reached the bottom step and stopped when I saw him leaning against the wall with his head tilted back- pretty much the same position I was a few minutes ago in the bathroom. Was he waiting for me? Surely he doesn’t expect me to be his next fix after the giggler? He moved his head down and opened his eyes staring straight at me, I turned my head away and continued down the hall.
“Ava. Don’t ignore me I need to talk to you,” he called out.
My heart is pounding and telling me to hear him out but my head is telling me to keep walking because he’s drunk and has nothing to say that will make up for him not talking to me for the past 18 months. I turned to face him and he was right there, stepping towards me, he brought his hand up to my face and brushed his thumb down my cheek.
I took a step back. “Don’t touch me, Ryan!”
An instant later I felt his hands on my shoulders and his mouth on mine, I gasped and lifted my hands up to his chest to push him way.
“Ryan! What the hell are you doing? What makes you think you can do that after all this time?!” I said with a raised tone.
“I’m sorry, Ava. I really am, I shouldn’t have done that but please listen to me,” he threw his head back and ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want you to leave tomorrow, I want you to stay here with me,” his voice sounded almost desperate, but I know him I know he doesn’t mean it.
I stared back at him with my eyebrows raised. “Seriously, I’ve heard some crap come out of your mouth over time but this tops it. Why the hell would I stay here with you? You want me to watch you doing more body shots with one girl and then eating another one alive a few hours later? Is that how little you think of me? Wow, that’s low even for you!” I gritted my teeth with anger.
I saw a flash of hurt in his eyes as he stared straight at me. “You think that little of me too? You think I’d do that shit to purposely hurt you? Hell, Ava that hurts like a mother fucker. I know I have still been with girls but I can change for you, I can be the guy you want me to be. I’ll even come with you to California if I have to.”
He doesn’t mean it, he’s drunk. I can’t believe he’d ever change!
“You don’t mean any of that, Ryan you’re drunk and if you could change, it wouldn’t be for long. I’m not putting my life on hold for a ‘chance’. I’m taking my chance at a new life and I refuse to have that clouded with what if’s over you.” My tone was harsh and my gaze on his didn’t falter.
He lifted his head and I could see his jaw tensing, “You’re right, Ava. Ignore me, I’m drunk,” he said in a sharp voice and turned to walk away.
I sighed, this was the last time I would see Ryan and the last time I would let him in my head. After tomorrow I wouldn’t think about him.
Chapter Eleven
Lying in bed awake an hour before my alarm is due to go off, I don’t feel like I have slept all night. My mind is going over last night, Ryan being in town and his words to me as I walked away keep replaying in my head- I won’t let you walk away from me without a fight, not again. After I walked away from Ryan I found Rylee and Matt coming out of the bar to find me, Rylee grabbed me and pulled me in for a hug as she asked Matt if he could take us home. When we got back to our apartment I told Rylee I didn’t feel up to talking about Ryan and made my way to bed, I laid there fighting with emotions- I was angry that he had just assumed I’d have been happy to see him, I was pissed that Adam didn’t give me any clues, but mostly I was confused; confused about why he’s here and what he wants, confused over his speech about the night I gave him my virginity, and confused to hell over his last words to me. I won’t let you walk away from me without a fight, not again. There it is again, in my head.
What the hell?
A light tapping on my bedroom door pulled me from my thoughts. I turn to face the door and call out, “Come in, I’m awake.”
Rylee opened the door and peeked her head around. “Morning. I made coffee, figured you’d need some,” she said with a sympathetic smile.
She’s used to me being the one to hold it together. I can’t let this get me down.
I smiled up at her. “Thanks, sweetie, I’ll be out in a few.”
She nodded her head and closed the door behind her. I climb out of bed, take in one deep breath, straighten my shoulders and lift my head up. I have forgotten Ryan Sanders words once, I can do it again!
***
After coffee and a small chat with Rylee about Ryan, we made our way into work. I got Rylee to drive today because my concentration level was at an all-time low. I was happy that I didn’t have to drive but on the other hand I was regretting my decision because it gave Rylee the opportunity to chat away knowing I couldn’t ignore her and pretend to be concentrating on the road. After asking me ten times if I’m sure I’m okay and another ten times if I wanted to play hooky and watch movies all day. I assured her I was fine to go to work and also informed her that I had text Reece last night agreeing to go on a date with him. She stopped asking questions at that point but only because I promised we would chat more at lunchtime when I was more awake.
We walked down the hallway to our office, Aimee and Kaitlyn called out hello’s to us as we passed them. I think Aimee feels bad about last night, I need to assure her she has nothing to feel bad about. We waved and said hello over our shoulders and parted ways to our offices.
I turned on the computer and hung my jacket over the back of the chair. My cell beeped in my purse as I set it down on the floor, I pulled it out and saw I had a text from Matt.
Matt: Hey, Ava, I hope you’re okay this morning. You were pretty shocked last night, I wanted to check on you today. Can I meet you and Rylee for coffee at lunchtime? :)
I smiled at his text. He really is a gentle giant- to look at him, tall, tattooed and toned you’d expect him to
always be flirty like he is at the bar¸ which I’m sure he can be given the right person/situation but for the most part he is caring and one of the most genuine people I have met in a long time.
Me: Hi, Matt. I’m okay thank you. I was shocked and thank you for checking in on me. Sure you can meet us, we’ll be at the Waffle Stop café near Ashby’s :)
The morning passed quite quickly, I had gotten most of my days work done in a few short hours- it’s amazing what you can accomplish when you throw yourself into your work to forget your thoughts. Mr Ashby stopped by my office a couple times too to tell me about new schedules he would be emailing out very soon so I knew to expect a busy week next week. I stood up grabbing my jacket and purse and headed out the door to get Rylee for lunch.
As I rounded the corner Aimee came rushing towards me. “Ava. I’m so sorry about last night, I didn’t know you knew Ryan and if I had known, I’d have never sprung it on you like that I would have told you,” she sounded so panicked about it.
I shook my head. “No, Aimee. It wasn’t your fault you have nothing to be sorry for, you weren’t to know. Please don’t feel bad, I know you wouldn’t have done that,” I smiled and pulled her in for a hug before going to meet Rylee.
We were seated at the café table and Rylee turned towards me with her eyes narrowed and a hint of a smile on her lips.
“And when were you going to tell me Matt was coming? And when were you going to tell me Reece text back and is taking you out tonight!?” She asked as Matt walked away from the table to get our drinks.
“I was going to tell you on the way over here but I couldn’t get a word in edgeways with you talking a mile a minute about Ryan-“
She cut me off.
“And have you thought more about Ryan? Are you going to meet to talk?” She asked.
She really was going for gold with her questions, for someone who doesn’t like to be pushed into talking she sure knows how to ask the questions and give me a taste of my own medicine.