“Maybe not every one,” Grant agreed, “but when it gets to the point that it’s bothering you, that makes it important. I want to know, especially if it concerns the girls. I’m not here with them the way you are. I need you to tell me what’s going on.”
“As much as you work, you have enough to deal with,” Lainie told him. “You don’t need to worry about what’s going on here at home. I can handle it.”
As much as Grant loved Lainie, sometimes he just wanted to shake her. He wasn’t a child. He didn’t need to be protected. He was the one who should be protecting her. “That’s not the point,” he said, exasperated. “We’re in this together. You don’t need to do everything all by yourself.”
“I can handle it,” Lainie insisted. “I always have.”
Anger, white and hot, shot through Grant. His face flooded with heat and color, and the restraint he’d been holding onto by his fingertips fled. He slammed his hands on the counter and spun to face her. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
That got Lainie’s attention. Her eyes widened, and she paled. “Just that I’ve always handled the household and the kids,” she said quietly. “It’s my job. You’ve always made that clear.”
Since when? It wasn’t her job. It was their job. He did his damn well best to get her to tell him what was going on around here. She was the one who tried to do everything herself. “Have you heard a single word I’ve been saying? I’m trying to tell you that you don’t have to do it by yourself. You’re the one being stubborn.”
“Stubborn?” Lainie echoed. The quiet uncertainty vanished, and she faced him head on, outraged. “I’m doing everything I can to keep things going around here, and of course I’m the one who has to handle it. You’re never home.”
“I’m never home because I’m working,” Grant shot back. “You make it sound like I’m out carousing with my buddies. I work damn hard.”
“And I don’t?” Lainie countered.
“Of course you do,” Grant said. They both worked damn hard. That wasn’t the point. When had this turned into an argument over who worked harder anyway? He’d wanted to help, not fight. Taking a deep breath, Grant made himself step away. He took a glass down from the cabinet, filled it with water and drank. “I don’t want to fight,” he said after downing most of the water. “I want to help.”
“I’m fine,” Lainie repeated. She turned away, jiggling a pan on the stove.
Grant would have bet his last dollar Lainie was anything but fine, but she clearly wasn’t receptive to any further conversation. “Do I have time to take a shower?” he asked, swallowing on a nagging feeling of defeat.
Lainie nodded. “Dinner will be another fifteen, maybe twenty, minutes.”
Grant set his glass in the sink and headed for their bathroom, turning on the shower and stripping out of his uniform. He tried to put the conversation with Lainie out of his head, but it nagged at him. Did she really think he expected her to handle the kids and house by herself? That couldn’t be further from the truth. It went against everything he had been raised to believe. Sure, maybe the modern culture expected women to be super women, but that wasn’t how Grant’s father and grandfather had believed nor what they had taught him. They believed that a man should be the leader of the household. It was his job to provide, to protect, to teach, and to lead. He had the providing part down cold. He worked damn hard. He always had. Being gone so much, he had left most of the parenting decisions to Lainie. She was the one at home, and she was the one who had training on dealing with children. He didn’t always agree with her. He was a lot more old-fashioned in what he believed, but what right did he have to speak up when he was gone so often? She was the expert.
He’d told himself that for years, so many times that he had begun to believe it. Mostly. Now though, alone under the spray of hot water with nothing but his own conscience, he began to doubt the truth of that. It was an excuse and a flimsy one at that. He knew exactly what his father and grandfather would have made of it too. A bitter wash of shame followed. Either or both of them would have handed him his ass on a platter if they had lived to see the state he’d allowed his family to get into. Then again, if they had been here, it was unlikely the family would’ve ever gotten into such a state, but he’d lost his grandfather shortly after marrying Lainie, and his father when Natalie was still a toddler. If he were honest, that had been when he’d started to slip. He’d been devastated to find himself without the two men he’d relied on for guidance and leadership all his life. There were months afterwards that he remembered little of. Everything had been consumed in a gray haze of grief. Even after he’d begun to emerge it was far easier to let Lainie do things her way. There’d been a few skirmishes early on, mostly over discipline, which was the one area they’d had vastly different ideas about. Grant knew and believed wholeheartedly in the value of a good spanking for correcting misbehavior. He’d experienced it any number of times during his own growing up years, and had learned as a young man, that his mother, and he strongly suspected his grandmother as well, had been subject to the same type of discipline. He’d always thought that he’d run his own household much the same, but the reality had turned out to be far different. Lainie’d had very little supervision of any sort as a child, much less correction. She’d cut her teeth on child psychology and education theory, and as such, declared any kind of physical discipline to be ineffective at best and abusive at worst. After a while, it had just been easier to stop fighting. He stayed away and took on more and more work, telling himself he was just trying to be a good provider and leaving the household as Lainie’s sole domain.
Yeah, and where had that gotten them? It had gotten so bad that he dreaded coming home, and even when Lainie was in his arms, there was a wall between them as real as any concrete and stone. There barely was a them anymore, just two people who happened to inhabit the same space. It was his fault, there was no doubt in Grant’s mind about that. He had failed at his responsibility as head of the family and left Lainie no choice but to stand in the gap. That was his fault and his alone. And it was long past time he stepped up to the plate and tried to fix this mess. It was time to get back to his roots, to be the man his father and his grandfather would have expected him to be. He didn’t expect Lainie to agree immediately. They had discussed it years ago when they were dating but with fifteen years of intervening time where he hadn’t taken any kind of leadership of the family at all, it was only natural that she be wary. He’d talk her around though. He had to.
By the time he had pulled on jeans and shouldered into a sweatshirt, Lainie had dinner on the table. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs yelling for the girls to come to dinner. From what he could tell, both of them were still shut tightly in their bedrooms, patently ignoring their mother. He touched Lainie on the shoulder and told her to go sit down then headed up the stairs himself. He didn’t give them the option of ignoring. He knocked once before opening the door to first Kathleen’s and then Natalie’s bedrooms and standing over them until they got moving. Not surprisingly, they moved with alacrity once he appeared in the doorway.
Dinner progressed in the usual fashion, meaning that Natalie complained bitterly about her tutoring session and begged, as she did every single Tuesday and Thursday, not to have to go again. Kathleen alternated between sniping at Natalie and ignoring them all in favor of texting on her cell phone. Grant hated that cell phone. Kathleen acted like it was neurologically connected to the nerves of her hand. It practically had to be surgically removed to get her to put it down. It was on the tip of Grant’s tongue to demand she put it away, but he held back. Not just yet; he needed to talk to Lainie first.
When they were finally done eating, Lainie immediately got up and started gathering dishes. Grant took that as his cue. He put a hand over her wrist, stilling her. “The girls can do them tonight,” he told her. Lainie, Kathleen, and Natalie all stared at him with identical expressions of shock. “What?” he asked. “Both of you are more than ca
pable of loading the dishwasher. I know you are. I’ve seen both do it occasionally when your mother harasses you into it. I’m not asking; I’m telling, and if I hear one word of bickering about it, not only will you wash the dishes by hand but cell phones and iPods will disappear until next weekend. Understood?”
The room went utterly silent. He saw both girls cast pleading looks at Lainie. “It’ll only take me a minute,” she began.
Grant held up a hand, cutting her off. “It’s not going to take you any time at all because the girls are going to do as they were told. I don’t want to hear another word about it, from anyone.” Lainie and Natalie were staring at him with identical round, blue-eyed expressions of shock. Kathleen looked back at him with hazel eyes like his own, glaring. He looked straight back, not the least bit intimidated by a fifteen-year-old in a temper.
“Fine!” Kathleen hissed, grumbling under her breath about slave labor.
Grant’s father would have taken a hand to his backside for the attitude alone, but Grant knew Rome wasn’t built in a day. When both girls started gathering dishes and carrying them into the kitchen, he counted it as a victory.
Lainie was still looking slightly bewildered, as if she couldn’t quite believe what had just happened. If she were that surprised by such a simple thing, it was worse than he thought. He had clearly let her down, badly. How had he let it get so bad that she was surprised when he stepped in to make the girls wash dishes? He deserved to have his ass kicked from here to Kansas and back again. What kind of man had he become?
“I want to talk to you,” he said before she could gather herself enough to decide to go do something else. “Let’s go into the living room.” By long habit, they settled on the sofa, turning slightly in order to face each other. Grant swallowed a smile, realizing they had sat with each other in just this way since they were only a few years older than Kathleen was now. It reminded him again just how much he had to make this work. He reached out and took Lainie’s hand, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. “Tell me something, sweetheart. Are you happy living like this? Really honestly happy?”
Lainie opened her mouth to agree. He felt the automatic response coming, but the automatic response wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted the truth. “Be honest,” he encouraged, “really honest.” Lainie went very still and her mouth closed again. After a long moment, she dropped her head and shook it slowly back and forth. “I didn’t think so,” Grant said softly. “I’m not either.”
Lainie’s head jerked up, and she gaped at him, white-faced with shock. “What are you saying? Are you leaving me?”
The shock hit Grant so hard that all he could do was stare. “Of course not. Never.”
“What then ?” Lainie demanded.
“I’m saying I think we need to make some changes around here,” Grant told her.
“Like what?” Lainie asked warily.
Grant shifted a little closer. “Do you remember when we first got married, how we talked about having a marriage like my parents had?”
“Yes,” Lainie said slowly, “but that was years ago. Life happened.”
“It did,” he agreed, “and you were right to say that I left a lot of things to you. I’ve shirked a lot of responsibility that should have rightfully been mine, and it landed on your shoulders. I want to apologize for that.”
Lainie looked stunned, but she brushed it off. “You were trying to do the right thing. Like you said, it’s not as if you were just blowing me off to go party or something.”
“That doesn’t make it right,” Grant said. “I want to do better by you and the girls. I want to get back to the husband and father I should have been all along.”
“What does that mean?” Lainie asked.
“It means I want to step up and take responsibility,” he told her. “I want to be the head of household, just like we talked about before we got married.”
Lainie drew back like a scalded cat. “Just like that? I’ve run this household for fifteen years and now all of a sudden you’ve decided you want to step up and be in charge. What the hell is that about? You’ve decided you’re not happy so now I’m not doing a good enough job. You think you can do better? Is that it? Just because you managed to get the girls to wash the dishes one time doesn’t mean you have a clue what it’s like around here on a daily basis.”
“I know,” Grant admitted. “That’s my point. I’m not saying I want to be some kind of dictator. I’m telling you I want to help. I want to take a lot of the decision-making and the responsibility off your shoulders. Yes, there will be rules and consequences, but we’ll decide on those together. I’m not trying to bulldoze you; I’m trying to help you, like tonight, with the girls. Yes, I took over and I made a unilateral decision, but it was based on what I thought was best for everyone involved. They need to learn the responsibility, and you need a break. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
Lainie studied her hands for a long moment before finally saying, “No, that wasn’t bad. I suppose I could get used to that.”
“That’s all I’m really talking about,” Grant assured her. “I’m asking you to trust me to make decisions, and to follow through with consequences if those decisions are not followed. I meant what I said tonight. If they had bickered the slightest bit, I wouldn’t have hesitated to take their phones and iPods. If we do this, you are giving me permission to enforce the rules, not only with the girls but with you as well.”
“How would you do that, with me I mean?” Lainie asked.
Grant fixed her with a steady look, and she blushed, heat to rising steadily up her neck and over her cheekbones. “I think you know,” he told her. “If you remember our earlier conversations, then you may remember exactly what I’m talking about.” Her eyes went wide and she swallowed hard. He could see the muscles in her throat bobbing up and down compulsively. If such a thing were possible, she went even more red in the face. Oh yes, she knew exactly what he was talking about.
Carefully, he caught her chin and made her look at him. Then, he leaned over and spoke directly in her ear, voice little more than a low rumble. “Disobey me and I will spank your little butt good, understood?” He leaned back and released her, feeling distinctly smug. Lainie was clearly flustered. She had yet to speak, but her eyes were around his marbles, and she continued to swallow convulsively as if trying to find her words. He’d gotten her attention all right.
Finally, she seemed to gather herself. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not a child.”
“If you don’t act like one, you have nothing to worry about,” he said casually. “Look, if we try this and it doesn’t work, we can reevaluate. I don’t have the slightest interest in making you more unhappy. I just know that what we are doing isn’t working so I’m ready to try something different.”
“Easy for you to say,” Lainie muttered. “You’re not the one getting your ass beat.”
“No, I’m not,” Grant conceded, “but I am the one taking on all the decision-making and responsibility. For once, that won’t all be on you. All you will have to worry about is being sure that you communicate with me and follow whatever guidelines we set out.” The look of relief on Lainie’s face was palpable. She wanted this. He knew she did, if she would just let herself admit it. “Please,” he said quietly, “all I’m asking is to try.”
Silence stretched heavy between them until Lainie heaved a huge sigh and said reluctantly, “Okay, fine, we can try it, but I reserve the right to stop if it doesn’t work.”
“Of course,” Grant agreed, “but you can’t use that as a way to get out of a punishment. It’s only valid after the fact, if you still want to stop, and you’re going to have to convince me you really mean it. Otherwise, it would be too easy just to call a halt to everything every time you get mad or in trouble.” Grant was fairly sure they would never need this out, but if it made Lainie feel better for the time being, he was more than willing to let her have it with his own conditions, of course.
“I guess that makes sense,”
Lainie replied. “I can see how it would be pretty easy to want to say stop when things get heated, and that basically defeats the purpose.”
Unable to help himself, Grant reached over and hugged her hard. This time, she hugged him back. Already some of the distance he had felt earlier had gone away. Clearly this one conversation wasn’t going to be a miracle cure, but it was a step in the right direction. He was as sure of that as he had ever been anything in his life.
Lainie pulled back. “So, um, when do we start this?”
“I thought we just did,” Grant said. “We can work on specific rules over the weekend.”
“Okay, I guess,” Lainie said reluctantly. “Wait a minute. I thought you had to work security at the library this weekend.”
“I’m quitting the library job,” Grant told her, “and the mall job too. I realized that while I had been working all the time I was neglecting my most important job – here at home. I’m going to cut out the side jobs and focus on here.”
“What about the money?” Lainie protested. “Wasn’t that why you took those side jobs in the first place, because we needed the money?”
“That’s true,” Grant replied, “but things have changed a lot since then. Neither of us are on rookie salaries anymore. We can get by just fine on what the two of us make with our full-time jobs. We’re mostly using the part-time money for savings and extras like vacations. We may have to cut out some vacations and activities, but we can manage. I’m tired of working all the time, and most of all, I’m tired of being away from my girls all the time – all three of you. I’m going to try to swap out my remaining shifts. There are a couple of younger guys at work who had been hinting around that they would like to make some extra money. I can probably work it out so that they can take over. If not, then I’ll put in my notice and work for two more weeks, but either way, my days of working all the time are done. It’s time I came home.”
Lainie nodded and leaned over to kiss him gently on the lips. “It’ll be good to have you home. I’ve missed you.”
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