“At first we both wanted to save ourselves for marriage but now it’s like, how can I marry someone when I don’t even know if the sex will be any good?”
“I think he has some weird sort of virgin/ whore mentality going on,” my sister had replied, diagnosing not only Jimmy but also the state of our relationship more honestly and accurately one minute after hearing about that session than Mary had been able to do after months of couples’ counseling. “I just think he isn’t able to see you as anything other than his white dress- wearing future bride.”
“He’s never going to be able to defile me the way that I’ve come to realize I need to be defiled,” I’d admitted to her.
“You should just jump his bones,” she’d said. “I’m sure he wouldn’t protest.”
“He might,” I’d told her. “Just like the look on his face showed me he was protesting against my perfect sex fantasy.”
To be honest, I didn’t even want to have sex with him anymore. That’s when I’d decided to break up with him for good and lose my virginity to someone else. Someone whose fantasies and real-life tastes might be more in tune with my own.
And that’s when I’d gone on this mission to lose my virginity to the right person. Or at least a person who will know how to take it from me the right way.
I have a feeling that Mystery Man could be that person. Except that we shouldn’t—we can’t— because we work together. Damn it. Just my bad luck.
Chapter 4 – Madilyn
All this time spent living in an unsatisfactory sexual relationship has taken its toll. I’ve wanted to call it off for a long time, and last night was my chance. It was yet another sexless, boring day, when Jimmy had told me after dinner that he was going to “hit the sack” early. (That was his phrase— not mine. Sometimes he talks like an old man. And he even insisted on sleeping in the guest bedroom because he didn’t want to “soil” our future marriage bed.)
Realizing that I should have said something a long time ago, I decided to speak up last night. I’d been trying to work up the courage to do it for a while, and I was frustrated enough that it seemed like the perfect time. In fact, I began to realize that the first time he had ever gone to bed without having sex with me should have been the last time.
“Jimmy. I can’t do this anymore.”
I’d never been so relieved to finally be able to utter those words, but he looked crushed.
“Let’s sleep on it,” he’d said, in his usual non- confrontational style. “You might feel differently in the morning.”
This morning, I did not feel differently. I strapped a leash on my dog Lucia, as I do most mornings, and took her for a jog.
Thinking that maybe Jimmy wasn’t as sexually into me as he used to be because I’d gained a few pounds, I’d taken up jogging a while ago. It didn’t make Jimmy become any more interested in me sexually, and it didn’t help me lose weight— I like New Mexican food a bit too much to make sure my diet matches my strict exercise regimen— but the jogging routine helped me clear my head and have time to myself.
This morning, I’d thought about how long and hard I’d worked to get to this place in my career. I’d gone straight from kindergarten through law school. I’d made Law Review— an elite panel of law students chosen to write and edit legal articles for the school’s legal journal— and I’d gotten good grades.
I’d gotten a pretty good summer clerkship and this very good permanent associate job offer. All that mattered now was doing a good job at my new job, climbing the associate ladder to partnership and being a successful lawyer.I didn’t want to let my old relationship problems get in the way of my new career.
When I got back home, I dressed in my most expensive and best- looking suit— the same one I’d worn when I’d interviewed and gotten this job— and told myself in the mirror that I could do it. Today was my day.
Jimmy was awake and he looked at me hopefully. I know him too well to hope that he would be the one to bring up last night’s break- up, even though I also knew it was on his mind.
It was clear that it would be up to me to keep doing the dirty work.
“Jimmy,” I said, trying to sound kind but business- like. “Do you have somewhere to go stay tonight? Your brother’s?”
“I— I thought—”
He’d looked down at the carpet but he didn’t say anything further.
“I’ll probably stay late at work today, since it’s my first day and all,” I told him.
I wanted to say that while I knew he had to work today, I thought it would be best if he could get his essential things together after work while I was still gone, and stay with his brother overnight.
But I didn’t want to be cruel. I was hoping he would read in between the lines.
“I have to go now,” I told him, rather than discussing it any further.
“Have a good first day,” he’d told me, his eyes still downcast.
And now he’s calling me, twice in a row, when I’m not supposed to be taking calls here in Cubicle Hell, even though there’s not much else for me to be doing.
I finally accept the writing on the wall: Jimmy is not going to leave me alone until I talk to him more bluntly about what I want, or more accurately what I don’t want.
I know I had to get it over with. And then I’ll be free to fantasize guilt-free about Mr. Mystery Man.
I’ll just insert him into the fantasy I wrote for Mary. From the way that he had raised his eyebrows at me in pleasant surprise when I had told him, “Yes, Sir,” I think Mystery Man would appreciate my fantasy a lot better than Jimmy did. And he’d probably be able to help me out with it in real life, too, if it weren’t for the fact that we’re co-workers.
But a girl can still dream, right? That’s what fantasy is for. And I sure do have a lot fantasizing to do about Mystery Man.
Chapter 5 – Madilyn
I excuse myself from Cubicle Hell— although the paralegals rushing around are too busy to notice or care that I’m leaving— and head down the fifteenth floor hallway so I can try to find somewhere private to talk.
The only place I can find is the bathroom, so I lock myself into the furthest stall and call Jimmy.
He answers on the first ring.
“Madilyn,” he says, his voice sounding as if he hadn’t slept all night.
Since we don’t even actually sleep in the same room, it’s very possible that he hadn’t slept a lot and I hadn’t known about it. But I know I can’t give in to feeling guilty and stopping myself from doing what I need to do.
“Thank you for calling me back,” he says. “I just had to talk to you—”
“Jimmy,” I hiss, in a hoarse whisper.
No one else is in the bathroom, but I don’t know when anyone might come in. “I’m at work. Aren’t you at work, too?”
“I can’t go to work. I’m too upset,” he says. “My stomach hurts. Just tell me it’ll be okay. Please don’t break up with me.”
“Jimmy,” I tell him. “It’s really for the best. You can find someone you’re more… into. Compatible with. Attracted to.”
“I’m into you,” he insists. “I know I haven’t always shown it…”
That’s for sure, I think, but I don’t say anything.
“But I’ll try harder,” he continues. “Mary can help us.”
I can’t count the number of times he’s promised that. And our sessions with Mary only seem to be making our problems— and their lack of a realistic solution— even more obvious to me.
“Jimmy, I have to go,” I whisper into the phone. “Please don’t call me at work anymore today.”
“But promise me you’ll talk to me later,” he pleads.
“Fine,” I tell him, just to get him off the phone.
I lean back onto the wall behind me and breathe a sigh of relief. At least I’ve gotten him off my back for now. I won’t get in trouble from Mystery Man any more.
Although, I have to admit I’d like to get into trouble if it involves a
ny form of punishment from that rugged, handsome stranger. Maybe he’ll spank me.
I smile as I surprise myself with the thought. I’d vowed to be more sexually open to different things, and I suppose that means letting my fantasies run wild.
I reach down between my legs and feel the wetness dripping out. Just one thought of that sexy stranger and the way he made me want to say “Yes, Boss” even though he’s not my boss fills me with delight and intrigue.
I rub myself gently while thinking about fully unbuttoning that shirt he so casually wears half- open. I want to rub my pussy all over his chest. I can’t believe I’m even thinking these things. I imagine myself straddling him and sliding up and down his big, muscular, toned chest and entire body with my wet pussy.
I’m really wet now and decide to go all the way with my fantasy. I imagine that his cock is huge and that I slide down onto it and lower myself on top of it. In my mind I ride his hard cock while in real life I rub my clit until I’m coming.
I’m gasping for air and holding onto the side of the stall with my free hand, wishing I knew his name so that I could call it out even in my mind. I’m determined to find it out so that I can do just that.
Mmmmmm, I moan under my breath, not even caring that I just made myself come in a bathroom stall on my first day of work. I don’t care that this isn’t like me— I love giving into it. I can only imagine what I might do if that handsome man so much as touched me with the tip of his finger. I think I would go wild and just take it in my mouth and just start sucking on it.
I’m really hoping I can see this man again and that somehow he can fulfill these crazy fantasies I have without us getting into trouble at work. And if not, at least I can think about it and make myself feel better than Jimmy ever could.
Chapter 6 – Madilyn
After my private daydreaming session involving the man whose name I don’t even know, I’m full of pleasure and the sweet feeling of release and I'm ready to re-start this day. Then I hear the bathroom door open and the sound of women laughing as they enter the bathroom.
Shit.
I can tell by looking through the slim crack between the door hinges of the stall that they’ve congregated in front of the mirror. They must have just gotten to work and decided to finish their primping together here in the bathroom.
I wonder if they could have possibly overheard any of my “me time.” But at least they couldn’t have been anywhere close to the bathroom soon enough to hear my conversation with Jimmy. I don’t know which option would be more embarrassing.
I decide they seem oblivious and that they don’t even know I’m in here. I quickly pull up my feet so that just in case they heard anything, they can’t see my shoes and later identify me as the sad sack in the bathroom who was trying to break up with her boyfriend on her first day of work. Or the horny girl who couldn’t even wait until her first day of work was over to get off by thinking about some guy she doesn’t even know.
“I wasn’t sure how early to get here before the start of new associate orientation,” one of the women says.
I squint through the crack between the door and the stall to see who she is. I vaguely recognize her and one of the other women from a mixer the firm threw last week so that the new associates could get to know each other.
Most of them had been summer clerks here at the firm last year, so I was one of the few new people, and I’m not very good at getting to know people.
I think her name is Tara and she has hair as blonde and legs as long as Barbie’s. In fact, they all three look like some version of Barbie or one of her friends.
I know the second woman a bit better because she was in my class section of law school. But that doesn’t mean we were friendly.
I had thought the era of mean girls ended in high school. In law school, however, I found that we as a class had apparently regressed back to middle school.
There were cliques, there were post-finals celebrations that rivaled college frat parties and there were definitely mean girls. I tried to avoid them and keep my head in the books while they threw themed parties or networking events.
But now, on my first day at the law firm of Marks, Sanchez & Reed, I’m learning that mean girls are not only still alive and well, but they’re also still gathered together as a clique. Bad news like this seems to be par for the course for my first day at my new job, my new career, my new forever.
Just as I was surprised that mean girls rule the law firm world just as much as they did the middle school lunch cafeteria, I’m also surprised by how many young, attractive females become successful associates at large firms.
I know I should count myself among them but I’m sure they don’t. Although I’m young, I’m curvier and bustier than most of them, and I don’t care about plastering my face with tons of makeup or doing my hair in the latest style.
“I’ve heard that the orientation is boring,” says Candace, the one with whom I’d shared law school classes— “So I downloaded some of the most recent issues of Vogue onto my iPad. What did we learn in law school, if not to always be prepared?”
They all three laugh and then the third one— I’m certain her name is Mandy, because when I first saw Mandy and Candace together at the mixer, I couldn’t get over the fact that their names could be “Mandy” and “Candy”— says, “The only reason I’m looking forward to orientation is because I heard that Asher Marks is going to be there.”
“I know,” says Tara, her eyes growing wide as she stares at her perfectly- waxed eyebrows in the mirror. “I can’t believe we’re finally going to get to meet the elusive firm founder.”
“He spent all of last summer on some mountain climbing trip in Katmandu or Nepal or Tibet or something,” Candace pipes in. “I can’t believe he didn’t even want to meet the summer clerks.”
She flashes a sarcastic sniffle.
“I can’t believe they let a partner get away with not working all summer,” Mandy says. “But then again, he’s not just any partner. He founded the whole firm and he’s rich as fuck. I heard he flies private jets to all the mountains that he climbs. Every few months, he’s on a new expedition.”
“Jen Harris, the senior associate with the bad skin? She worked on the Simone Technology case last spring and she told me that Asher won a huge verdict," Tara says.
"I've heard that's not the only thing that Asher has that's huge," Candace says. "And yeah, Jen needs to wear some foundation on that shiny forehead, poor thing."
"The Simone Technology case earned enough money in contingency fees for everyone in the firm to happily retire, if they wanted to,” Mandy says.
From the crack between the stall doors, I can see the other two girls turn to look at her.
“What?” Mandy says, batting her eyes innocently. “I religiously read the firm news bulletin. Don’t you? The contingency fee alone was over two billion.”
Her two friends whistle their amazement and I would join them if I weren’t in hiding. My knees are starting to cramp and my foot has fallen asleep.
I hope they’ll leave soon. But by the way their cosmetics are spread all over the bathroom counter, it doesn’t look like they ever plan to. In fact, it looks like they moved into the office and made the fifteenth floor bathroom their own.
“That’s why Asher Marks can do what he pleases,” Tara says. “He keeps the whole firm afloat. Makes a huge profit and then waltzes off on some mountain- climbing trip.”
“I hear he can do what he wants personally, as well as professionally,” Candace adds and then laughs.
“Yeah, it’s pretty common knowledge that he always takes a new female associate under his wing,” Mandy agrees.
“And under his desk,” Candace says.
Yuck.
The three women laugh but I feel nauseous. Just what kind of a law firm had I been so anxious to work for? A place where the head partner is a total douche and the new associates laugh about it?
“Well I don’t know about you ladies,” Ta
ra says, “But I’d definitely let him take me whenever and wherever he wanted.”
“Hell yeah,” agrees Candace, and all three girls nod in happy anticipation.
Make that vie for the sleazebag’s attention, I think.
“It’s not like he just uses and loses them,” Candace continues. “I mean, sure, he moves on to the next one after a while, but whoever his chosen associate is definitely gets a good mentoring experience, both in the office and in the bedroom. And she always goes on to do bigger and better things, either within the firm or at another firm, depending on how acrimonious their fall- out is when Asher eventually jilts her.”
“So, as long as we know what we’re in for, it sounds like a good deal to me,” Tara says, as if assessing the negatives and positives of making a large purchase.
“Yeah, and I hear he's on the prowl for his newest one so the timing is perfect. Just don’t get attached,” Candace says. “Know it’s only temporary, and have some fun, because he definitely knows his way around the legal world, and his way around a vagina.”
“Stop it,” Mandy says.
Yes, please, I silently agree with her, but then she adds:
“You’re making me horny. I have to concentrate on winning Asher’s affection, and my head can’t be swirling around in fantasy land.”
Barf.
“Who do you think he’ll pick this time?” Tara asks, shaking her breasts in the mirror as if they’re about to compete as prized animals at some farm show.
“I think it definitely has to be one of us,” Mandy says, almost in a whisper.
“Yeah, I mean most of the new associates are guys, and among the women other than us, there’s that older lady, Megan, and that clearly prudish- looking lady, Margo or whatever her name is, and a few dumpy- looking ones like that Madilyn girl.”
I do my best not to let out a horrified “hrmph," and I also do my best not to pass out.
Just when I was thinking that nothing could be worse than having to listen to them compete over a sexist jerk like Asher Marks seems to be, they have to go and prove me wrong. They have to start talking about me.
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