“Daddy, no. You don’t mean that,” Claudia cried out but then covered her mouth. “Oh, I think I’m going to be sick.”
Without another word, she pushed away from the table and shot out of the room.
I held his gaze, my hands clammy with anger. I couldn’t wait for her return. I needed to engage, now.
“We don’t need you to approve of what we’re doing, because either way, we’re doing this. Claudia would like you to … be okay with it.” I hesitated only a second before adding, “To be honest, so would I. Neither of us wanted this, but you don’t need to make her feel worse than she already does. If you want to blame someone, blame me.”
El Capitán mashed his lips together.
“I’m not okay with it, but I don’t have a choice now, do I?” His gaze scattered over my face, unable to focus. The stench of alcohol atop his anger hit me with a strong sense of déjà vu. My own father’s drunken expression flashed through my mind. “Claudia didn’t behave like this before you came around. You turned my daughter into a common floozy.”
He provoked, and my anger swelled in answer.
“If you weren’t her father, I’d lay you out.” My fists curled, and I was tempted to feed the monster that thrashed about inside me. “You’re sour, old man. Sitting around here feeling useless and getting hammered with your friends. It’s easy to see why your wife left you.”
Target hit. Nostrils flared. “Get the fuck out of my house!”
“You can make me leave, but I’m taking Claudia with me.”
“You take my daughter anywhere, and I will have the entire Suffolk County P.D. all over you.” Blood surged to his face, and I was afraid his head would explode. “You’ll never be good enough for her. Never.”
I couldn’t see straight. I lumbered back a step, my hostile energy fizzling as he left the kitchen without saying another word. He didn’t have to. He’d hit me where I was most vulnerable. And he knew it.
I rushed into the bathroom. Claudia blew her nose, looking completely wiped out.
“Pack your things. We’re leaving. We’ll elope,” I bellowed.
She replied with a sad smile.
“You think I’m kidding, but I’m not.”
“My father will come around. Eventually.”
She hadn’t overheard the awful things he’d said. Somewhere within the walls of this house, I was sure he was waiting to confront her, and I didn’t want to leave her alone.
“You don’t have to stay here. Come home with me.” I pulled her towards me.
Her eyes softened with regret. “He isn’t well enough to manage on his own yet. As much as I’d love to run off with you, I can’t leave him.”
Her answer crushed me. Claudia was duty-bound to the very same man who hated me.
She was rooted to the life he had given her, but there was no way I could stay.
I rubbed my face and pulled my car keys out. “If you need me or change your mind about coming over, I’ll be at home.”
Chapter 17 • Claudia
As soon as Toby left, I called my mother.
My long distance confession brought on some anticipated questions.
“Didn’t you use birth control, Claudia?”
“We did … er, except for one time.”
“I knew the minute I met him he was trouble. I should’ve warned you years ago about boys like him.” She spoke without pause, and I pictured her pacing, wearing a track in the carpeting of her apartment in San Diego. “I saw the way the two of you looked at each other. The least I should’ve done was taken you to the gynecologist and made you get on the pill while I was there.”
Apparently my situation was all her fault.
“Mom, please stop,” I said. “Pointing fingers and placing blame doesn’t change anything.”
“What about school?”
“We both agree that I should continue.” I was glad she’d gotten past the guilt to focus on practical questions. Only I wasn’t sure I had many useful answers.
“Babies are expensive. You’ll have to quit your job or find affordable daycare. Honey, does Toby make enough to support you and a baby and still cover your tuition?”
Toby didn’t live a big life. He drove the same Jeep he’d been driving for the last several years. Other than his laptop and guitar, he didn’t own expensive electronics, and unlike a lot of guys his age, and lucky for me, he didn’t seem interested in acquiring an assortment of bright, shiny new objects.
Pursuing advanced degrees, however, was as expensive as it was demanding. Apparently so were babies. We would be strapped, at least, until I finished school and started working.
“Toby’s in line for a promotion with his company. We’ll manage,” I said.
What I told my mother was off the cuff, but it sounded convincing. Truth was I didn’t have it all figured out yet. The pregnancy had shifted my world off axis. All my careful planning was bounding off trajectory, and without a strategy, I was scrambling for purchase. Pursuing a PhD—something I hadn’t even told Toby about—now seemed an impossible dream. If I applied myself, finishing my master’s was something I could squeeze into the narrow window of time before the baby came. Like a dog with a bone, I was going to be aggressively defensive of reaching that goal.
“I wasn’t expecting to be a grandmother so soon, but it is what it is.” My mother sounded resigned. It was more than I’d hoped for. More than Dad would give me.
My mother was a levelheaded realist. Even if she wasn’t aware of it, her shrewd subtleness always managed to push me to do my best. I had never blamed her for her decision to leave, and as much as it hurt me when she did, I never voiced it aloud. I didn’t want her to feel guilty for standing up for herself, for doing what I was sure had been exceptionally difficult.
“I’m sure your father will help out.”
Her words made me think about Dad steaming away somewhere in the house. It made me miss her more.
“I’m not so sure of that,” I replied.
I found my father in his study, pouring himself a drink from the bar cabinet behind his desk. I stood in the doorway, the barrier of tension between us keeping me from crossing over the threshold.
“Are you ready to go up to bed yet?” I asked.
“Don’t treat me like a child. I’m physically disabled, not mentally impaired.” He lowered himself into the desk chair and tipped the glass to his mouth.
It was on the tip of my tongue to lecture him about drinking too much, but a reprimand coming from me on the heels of my slipup was the last thing he would tolerate. I leaned heavily into the doorframe. “Dad, I know you’re disappointed and this isn’t what you expected from me.”
“You had unprotected sex, Claudia.” His glass clunked heavily on top of the desk. “For heaven’s sake, there’s a drugstore on every damn corner. For such a smart young woman, you should’ve known better. What the hell were you thinking?”
It was better that his anger was focused on me and not Toby. Having grown up defending my every decision, I was well versed in handling my father’s vitriol.
“I made a mistake, but the fact is I’m pregnant. That’s not going to change, so what would you have me do? Have it alone? Give it up for adoption?” I met his eyes. “Abort it?”
As I expected, my father blanched. “No!”
“That leaves getting married. It’s the only alternative.”
“Marriage is difficult enough without the added burden of a child, expected or not.” He massaged his temples and dropped his hands with a thump onto the desk. “Toby is not ready for that kind of commitment, and after this enlightening news, I wonder if you are either.”
His appraisal wedged my heart against my ribs.
“Daddy, all my life I’ve wanted nothing more than to make you proud of me.” My voice was rusty in my throat. “It kills me that I’ve disappointed you, but I’m taking responsibility for what I’ve done. This is my decision. You can support us …” Drawing on my strength, I hesitated only a beat
. “Or you can turn your back. That choice is up to you.”
He said nothing. The ‘Great Wall of Dad’ wasn’t coming down. I folded forward, squeezing my eyes shut and repelling the tears that lay behind them.
My father was a tough, demanding parent and sometimes an intolerable one. His stance on tradition admirable, but easily counterweighed by all of the times he flew off the handle in emotional outbursts. Every family had its unique dynamics. This was ours. Even though I was trying to put on a brave face, my father’s reaction was tearing me apart. If it’d been my mother laying into me, I could’ve taken it on the chin. Maybe even dished it back. But the day my mother left, she left us both. Since then, Dad and I had maintained a symbiotic balance, and losing favor with him threw our world askew. This time, I’d done the unthinkable, marred myself in his eyes. He would never look at me the same. I would never again be that unblemished, innocent girl I had always tried to be for him.
I waited a few hours and found my father sleeping in his lounger in front of the television. It was easier for him to get up and down from the chair, and he spent quite a few nights there. I covered him with a blanket and switched off the lights.
With my father soundly sleeping, I chanced leaving him alone. I sent April a text, and like a thief in the night, drove to Couture 112, the hair boutique where she worked as a stylist. I spied her through the festively decorated plate glass window of the upscale salon, her bubbly spirit noticeable even from a distance. The door chimed as I walked in, and the scent of the fresh pine roping around the doorway hit my nose. Poinsettias and metallic garland festooned each stylist’s station, and Christmas music played in the background. Despite the festive adornments, I felt no holiday spirit.
“Hey, Susie,” I greeted the young receptionist, whose black hair, like always, was in some type of intricate twist.
“Hey, girl!” Susie stood, and we kissed each other’s cheek. “We’re closing up, but you can go on back.”
April grabbed me into a hug as soon as she laid eyes on me. “How are you?”
“Been better,” I said.
“Sit down. I’ll trim your hair before I clean my station.” April spun the chair around for me, and after I slid in, she started combing my hair. “How did it go with your parents?”
“Mom took it better, but neither is a thrilled about their soon-to-be grandparent-ness.” I stared at my reflection without seeing myself. “The thing they seemed most concerned with is whether Toby and I are ready for this, and more importantly, if we can afford it. Yes, I’m concerned about those things, too, but really I’m freaking out here. It'd be nice if just one person could say something kind or show us an ounce of support.”
“You have my support.” She gave my shoulder a light shake. “Always.”
“I know.” I put my hand over hers.
“Your parents have always put a lot of pressure on you, way more than anyone I know, but sometimes you need to plug your ears and listen to your heart.” April pinned a portion of my hair to the top of my head and met my eyes in the mirror. “You know my family. It’s not unusual for baby showers to come before weddings showers. News of a baby is happy news, no matter when it comes.”
“I know, but—”
“But nothing.” She rounded my chair to face me. “Tell me, if it were me who was pregnant, what would you be saying to me right now?”
“I would probably tell you everything was going to work out, that your baby was a blessing, not a mistake,” I said.
“That’s right, mamí. Just like you told me to buck up with my wedding dress, you need to stop worrying what your parents think. If they aren’t on board, that’s unfortunate, but you have to start thinking about what’s best for you and the baby.” She leaned forward and lowered her voice. “You love Toby. He loves you. Chica, that little life growing inside you was created with love, and that makes this baby a blessing. That is nothing to be ashamed of.”
I pressed my lips together, unable to talk around the lump in my throat. She bent forward and pressed her cheek to mine. “Don’t worry. Your kid is going to have a friend before long. I already told Dario I want a baby right away. I plan on getting knocked up on our wedding night. I figure that way our kids will only be about a year apart.”
Laughing, I turned my head and kissed her cheek. “Thank you for that, love.”
I left the salon heavy in thought. I felt introspective and emotional. As an only child, I was used to being on my own. I had lots of extended family, but my place was set apart even amongst them—in the middle—between the oldest and youngest of my cousins. I had been babysat by the older ones and become a babysitter for the younger ones, but I’d always been the one cousin without siblings. April was my best friend, but going to different schools, we spent our days apart. I learned how to do things alone. I was always okay with it. But now I knew love. With Toby, I knew what it felt to love and be loved in return. With this baby, I would never be alone again.
I laid a hand over my stomach and thought about what April had said. For the first time, I allowed myself to envision a little baby with blue-grey, almond shaped eyes and a toothless, crooked grin. It immediately overwhelmed me with emotion. Tears streaked down my face, one by one dropping onto my hand as I gently stroked my belly—our baby.
He or she was part of both Toby and me, conceived in love. The thought hit me hard. I swished my hand lightly over the flat plane of my stomach, trying to imagine it large and swollen. An unexpected jolt of pleasure flashed through me.
“I didn’t expect you, bella,” I whispered. “But I already love you.”
I drove to Toby’s. The flicker of the television was the only light glowing within. I used my key to enter. Bernie didn’t greet me like she typically did. Her whining drew me to the den, where she kept guard next to Toby’s sleeping form on the couch. She sat up, her little stubby tail thumping the floor, but stayed vigilant at his side.
“Good girl,” I patted her head, more grateful than ever that Toby and I had adopted her. I picked up the afghan from the back of the couch, the one Toby told me his Nana Faye made, and, like I’d done with my father earlier, I laid it over Toby. The toe of my boot collided with an empty glass on the floor, and it toppled over onto an open high school yearbook.
The glass and book lay haphazardly next to the couch, as if both were dropped, most likely when he’d fallen asleep. I bent to pick them up, and two snapshots fell out of the yearbook.
Curious, I took the photos into the kitchen and turned on the light.
The pictures were of Toby and a dark-haired girl with pale skin and big brown eyes. One photo looked to have been taken inside a car, and the other outside with the high school in the background. He was young and handsome with those same engaging blue-grey eyes. He had an arm around the girl, and they were both smiling. I wondered if it was Lacie. I turned to the yearbook, my fingers drifting over the glossy pages, trying to match the girl’s face to one of the senior photos. I couldn’t find her.
The last few weeks had been hijacked by a variety of stressors, from the positive pregnancy test to the showdown with my father. Maybe he’d needed a trip down memory lane to remember simpler days.
Toby hadn’t budged since I’d arrived, and I sank down onto the floor next to him, comforted just to stroke his hair as he slept. With everything we’d been through, I could hardly blame him for wanting something to take the edge off.
Still, I fought the inclination to worry about his drinking, especially with his family’s history of alcohol abuse.
Chapter 18 • Toby
I surveyed the expensive necklaces, rings, and stones in the display cases of the jewelry store with mild interest. No one I knew shopped in the upscale boutiques that lined our town’s small Main Street. I’d probably passed the stores a thousand times on my way to somewhere else, barely taking notice of the showy jewels in the street-front windows.
Until today. A week after Thanksgiving, and we were just now getting around to having my mo
ther’s ring resized.
Once Claudia told the clerk we were recently engaged, news of our impending nuptials spread though the staff like an epidemic, everyone taking a moment to come over and congratulate us—as if our merger held an element of anticipation for them, mere strangers. The head jeweler took a look at Julia’s ring, and Claudia looked through the store’s glass cases at the selection of engagement rings.
The store was moderately busy with holiday shoppers, and a fiftyish saleslady dressed in a suit with a candy cane pin on her lapel introduced herself as Adele. “If you want to try on any particular ring, let me know.”
“Oh, no. Only browsing. I already have the ring I want,” Claudia answered, pulling her arms back as if not to be tempted.
“Go on,” I nudged her. “When will you ever do this again?”
She gnawed her lip before conceding and asking to see the ring she’d been admiring, a silver one with a center diamond surrounded by two smaller blue stones and a trail of smaller diamond chips down each side of the band.
“This is one of my favorites,” Adele told us as Claudia slid the ring over her knuckle. “Fourteen karat white gold, princess cut diamond with pear sapphires.”
Claudia held her hand up for me to see. “It’s really beautiful.”
The ring was bigger and better in every way—better than anything anyone in my family could’ve ever afforded. More than I could currently afford, too. I could tell by the way she stared at it she wanted it but was too sensible to confess it.
“Let’s get it,” I said. “If it’s what you want, I want you to have it.”
“No. I have a ring already.” She took it off and made to give it back to the saleswoman, but I caught her wrist and stopped her.
“We want it.”
Claudia locked eyes with me. “Toby, seriously, we can’t afford it, and I love your mother’s ring.”
An argument brewed on my lips. It was as if she’d thrown down the gauntlet, and now all I wanted was for her to have that ring. I let go, but over her shoulder, Adele and I exchanged a long glance. Claudia’s ring finger was measured, and we were told to come back in a week to pick up Julia’s resized ring.
Keeping Claudia (Toby & Claudia Book 2) Page 17