by Willam Belli
Make me tan!
I personally like to double my facial width with hair as a minimum (meaning if your face is ten inches across, have at least five inches of hair on each side and five on top). Bigger hair makes a face appear more petite, obviously. If you have the kinda lovely face that can pull off a short hair gig, go for it. But let me tell you a story: When I first started doing shows, I met Morgan McMichaels for the first time, and I learned two things: (1) She does a fierce Annie Lennox, and (2) she must not have had any friends to tell her she needs to paint the back of her neck when she does the bus-driver-lady short wigs. You don’t want your face from Brazil and your neck from Scotland. Guys, this goes for you, too. No one wants the back and side of your neck looking like a happy trail. If you ain’t found the kinda buddy who will check for errant hairs and shoulder zits, maybe just ask whoever of your friends is the biggest and most likely hairiest. I had a standing date once a month to buzz my one big friend’s back during summer and he sure would smoke me out and let me eat whatever I wanted from his fridge. I know he’d rather just do it himself, but ABC.
Chances are a wig straight outta the bag is not gonna be as flattering to your face as it is to the little white Styrofoam head. Make that friend who does hair come over to trim it to fit your features better or hit Fantastic Sams for a bang trim. Take your Friday wig out of the bag on Thursday night and hang it upside down so it’ll get some good lift to it. It’ll save you some back-combing, but definitely throw in a good base tease. You want it to move when you move. Big hair doesn’t have to mean helmet hair. Synthetic hats will keep a style longer than human hair, but they will also tangle much quicker. Throwing a bag of human hair up into a fake can make for a nice blend, which splits the difference: the good structure of an unnatural fiber with the touchability of actual hair at the bottom. When a wig gets too ratty, you can always dread it up or make it into a mufasa. (A mufasa is a wig consisting of many other wig parts and/or tracks that looks like a lion’s mane. It’s where a weave that might be past its glory days can do a circle of life for all tranimals under the sun.)
DIVA HAIR
Every generation has a diva with an iconic mop that has all the queens scratching their head on how to replicate it. Think of Chaka Khan’s Muppet-hooker look. Another would be Madonna’s alopecia-inducing braid/snatched-back ponytail combo in Truth or Dare. The newest entries into who I think will be a fag fan for life is Ms. Ariana Grande. Here’s how to do her swingy pony, half up, half down gig but a little draggier. ’Cause no dude looks good in a slick-back on top. You need some volume to even out your big man head probably, and wigs are sized for regular lady heads. Just trust me. So here you go. I present to you the Ariana Grangbang Schtupdo. It’s good, sexy hair.
This is my math face.
1 Get a base wig that fits your hairline well along with two ponytails or falls in the same tone. I Sharpied in a bit of a root on mine. The markers that are normally used to touch up woodwork on furniture work good, too. Pin it into toupee clips that you’ve secured at the temples and on the back of your head. You wanna be able to suck dick in a hurricane in this hair. Make sure you have enough pins crosshatched in a halo around your head.
2 Next, you’re gonna wanna use a heat protectant. By that, I mean hit a bowl.
3 Pull the top (and sides, if you want) up into a ponytail and back-comb it until it looks like a shelter dog with mange. You can also ball up another wig and pin it to the top of that wig and use it as a “bump.” Side note: Wigs are a frequent spot to hide drugs during travel, so your bump can actually hold bumps.
4 Take your first ponytail and pin it into the ratted-up hair underneath it. Be thorough because this is the first thing a bitch will grab if shit gets rowdy. Nothing like grabbing some ho by her ponytail only to swing her around by it to beat her face. I love fighting. It makes me feel alive.
5 Wrap a piece of hair around the base of the ponytail to hide your pin work.
6 Pin the second ponytail under the first to give you some length right through the Wigs By Vanity tag. Yes. I said Wigs By Vanity. That’s WigsByVanity.com.
7 You could be done now, but I come from the shit-on-shit school of thought. Nothing says I tried my best to look like a woman like a simple bow. The best method to pin something large into your hair is to stick a sturdy safety pin through the base of whatever it is and then pin the bow into place as desired. This is especially useful for pinning in flowers through the stem.
HAIR
Look at how classy I look. I could go to fuckin‘ Easter in that.
9
How to SUCK LESS at
SHOES
My first pair of heels was given to me by my dad, a former marine. They were a pair of wood clogs with a three-inch block at the back that he wore in the ’70s. They click-clacked like my favorite RuPaul song (now available on iTunes). I’m sure he didn’t see it as giving me heels, but he was also cool enough not to give a shit when I was sent home from eighth grade for violating the dress code.
My second pair of heels was procured on a shopping trip at fourteen with my aunt Nancy’s then-girlfriend, now-wife DJ. Convincing a man who said “Oo-rah” and a lady who likes hoo-ha’s to gimme the shoes was the easy part. The first few times I tried on high heels I probably looked like a crackhead trying to stand up in a canoe. I actually know what that looks like too, because I lived on a creek in South Jersey for a minute, and when my relatives would get outta rehab, they’d usually visit us instead of going straight back to Philly.
Remember how Michelle Visage called Latrice Royale’s boots “lesbian hiking boots”? Well, guess what my first pair of heels was: the same shoe. (Hi, Michelle!)
Anyway, walking in heels is not all that hard as long as you take it step by step. OMG, I didn’t even plan that joke. I was just typing stream of consciousness, wondering WTF I was gonna write, and it happened (Books are hard). I couldn’t use my looks, luck, or backup singers when I decided to write it and just had to commit. Kinda like heels. You’re gonna have to give up the notion that your feet won’t hurt at first. That’s why you should try on a lot of heels if you’re a first-time shopper. I subscribe to the school of thought that a good heel should be the size of a good dick (when flaccid): nothing under three and a half inches. But if you’re just starting or have smaller feet, maybe try a wedge or something lower. I think shoes really say a lot about a person. Mine all give the suggestion that, “yes, I will do anal, and how kind of you to notice my hindquarters.”
The whole reason I got the idea to write this book is because a friend asked me for drag help. When I couldn’t tutor in person, I wrote lady lists and sent Vimeo-protected, password-personalized tuck videos to peruse. But heels we always did in person because it’s not the kinda thing you can just take a correspondence course for.
If you’re a dude, it’s always a smart idea to get a sturdier shoe, because tippy tumbles will happen. Watching Neil find his stride in heels for Hedwig and the Angry Inch made me glad the shoes he had were reinforced. That’s a great trick, BTW. If you’re a newbie, take your heels to a cobbler and they can put in a small brace to make them sturdier. You’re most likely gonna be dealing with spilled drinks somewhere, so take all the help you can get. Neil took to it quickly because he’s, well, basically good at everything. It’s way more fun when people aren’t as agile as him. YouTube ‘drag queens falling’ and you’ll agree. I have a four-inch scar on the inside of my leg from my freshman year homecoming after-party, when I decided I should wear all the high heels and do a one man walk off. Also, men (and girls with big tits) tend to have to deal with looking like a top-heavy gorilla in a race to see how fast they can fall to the floor.
One of the notes I found myself repeating from the NPH movement sessions was to slow down. When you rush, your shoulders rise and you hunch up like a linebacker. I remind myself to keep my shoulders down and my neck long, and it really helps propel the 150 pounds of man more gracefully, even though I’m walking on toothpicks. Your
tits will look better, too. Sit into each step, and put your foot down before you pick the other one up. This also helps with not tripping because you have to make contact with your heel first and roll through the front of your foot. If you’re a guy and you want to walk in heels, you naturally have it a little harder than a woman because your center of gravity is lower. Women have shorter torsos and lower fulcrums than men. (The fulcrum is the point where your body bends when you fall over ’cause you don’t know how not to go ass up and out.)
Know that if you’re in a heel, you’re bound to garner more attention. No one should be looking at anything else in the room if a bitch is on a runway and has got a good pump in her pumps going. Girls and fags will be checking out your shoe game, and admirers will get a better view of your ass since heels make the peaches more pert. Seeing Raja or Mathu at the top of a runway gets me excited because I know I’m about to see a feat that looks effortless but in actuality combines athleticism while balancing restraint and showmanship. It’s all a show—and what do you do before a show? You practice. Any time a normal person sees a dark parking garage, I see a runway. I know some like to cross their left foot in front of their right foot for each step, and there are those who pretend to walk an imaginary tightrope. I prefer to sit into each step and let my hip roll through to the next sauntery step. Your walk will come to you over time. Copying some runway model’s stride is never a good idea for starters. For one, you’re not a model. Models don’t read books and you’re, like, forty-something pages up into this bitch.
Paint all the piggies even if only two or three show through any peep toes. What if there’s an after-party and you wanna kick off your shoes? Or some hot dude is into feet but your lazy ass didn’t wanna spend five more seconds on each foot? Your pinkie toenail is probably the size of a piece of gravel, yet you can’t be bothered? Bye.
10
How to SUCK LESS at
LOOKING RIGHT
Taking a good picture can be easy if you don’t overthink it. It’s best to blast any thoughts you may have out of your brain with awesome music. You want a good beat and something that makes you wanna bop but not quite boogie, ’cause you need to pose long enough to get the shot. Having a few drinks or whatever is also totally recommendable to loosen you up. Not enough to be messy, although falling in pictures does make for great images. (See below.) I fuckin’ ate it, but I got the shot.
If you ever brain-fart out on poses, just pretend to be anyone with a better life. Seeing how awesome Christie Brinkley’s life is in “Uptown Girl” makes me happier than videos of deaf babies hearing for the first time. So happy. So does pretending to be Gigi Gorgeous. In my favorite-ever Instagram of Gigi, she was serving it up—literally… cranberry sauce three days after Thanksgiving. I was like “WTF? You’re Canadian and your Thanksgiving was in October. Put down the fuckin’ gravy boat.” But I still favorited it and retweeted. She’s my biggest shimspiration at the moment.
Now, if you’re a guy, you may wanna steer clear of pretending to be a rich white woman. You can still keep holiday-related condiments on hand to overpose with. Making sex-related faces always works well, too. Visualize that moment when the dick feels bigger than it looks, or furrow your brow like somebody’s pussy is looser than it should be. Gape the mouth open like you’re riding reverse cowgirl with one foot on the dresser. Replicate the agony/ecstatcy face of when your dick is sucked one millisecond too long after cumming. It’s like all the despair of a generation combined with wondering if it’s too late to get pizza. If you’re planning on having a lot of skin out or being full-on naked for your modelings, pull an Amanda Lepore and take off all your clothes immediately once you get to the set (optional: bring a loose robe), so you don’t have lines to retouch from waistband indentations, sock marks, etc. You need a good two hours for those to go away once they’re there.
All the makeup in the world around those five holes on your face won’t help if you don’t know what to do with your face. I rely on three looks.
My first agency card. She thought she was sooo famous.
1. RIHANNA AT THE MET BALL face. It’s not your typical resting bitch face (RBF). It’s engaged-and-active bitch face.
2. A toothy MISS AMERICANA PUSSY SPORTSWEAR CATALOG SMILE is always in fashion. Think Chrissy Teigen. Determining what face you should make by where the camera is can be advantageous, too. I like to hide my big chin behind someone’s shoulder when taking a selfie with them.
3. PORNO PRODUCE AISLE look is like you’re seeing if the peaches are firm enough, but it also conveys you might want someone to get firm cuz of your peaches. Speaking of fruits, you may wanna try saying “Prune” as you pose. It’s rumored the Olsens used to do it, but who knows? Just say I taught you. Saying “Prune” gives the perfect amount of puff and release without veering into duckface zone. Try it now. Pruuune. I bet you spit a little.
SUCK LESS AT SOUNDS
TRACKS TO MAKE YOU FEEL AS GOOD AS YOU LOOK
These are some of my favorite tracks to twirl to. My personal tunemaster, DJ Pastabody, would throw them on during a photo shoot or when we were getting ready to go out. This playlist will let the neighbors know that your pussy tastes just like Pepsi-Cola.
“Heartbreaker” Mariah Carey featuring Jay-Z
“Hypnotize” The Notorious B.I.G.
“Tom’s Diner” Suzanne Vega
“Click Clack (Make Dat Money)” RuPaul
“Love Me Like You” Little Mix
“I’m Too Sexy” Right Said Fred
“Love Yourself” Justin Bieber
“All Night (Don’t Stop)” Janet Jackson
“Too Funky” George Michael
“Do It Well” JLo
“Fembot” Robyn
“Don’t Make Me Wait” Jazmine Sullivan
“Party in the USA” Miley Cyrus
“Break Free” Ariana Grande featuring Zedd
“Ignition (Remix)” R. Kelly
“Right on Time” JoJo
“Little Bird” Annie Lennox
“Do It to It” Cherish featuring Sean P.
“Queen” Xelle featuring Mimi Infurst
“Love Sex Magic” Ciara featuring Justin Timberlake
“Blow” Beyoncé
“Biscuit” Ivy Levan
“Crazy Bitch” Buckcherry
“How Will I Know” Whitney Houston
“When I Get You Alone” Robin Thicke
“Are You That Somebody” Aaliyah
“Pocketbook” Me’Shell N’degéocello featuring Redman and Tweet
“Walk It Out” Jennifer Hudson featuring Timbaland
Certain proportions should be met either in real life or in your postproduction to make up what one would call a “good figure.” For guys, your biceps should be double the size of your wrists. Rolling sleeves up to give the illusion of broader shoulders is a great way to make your waist look more tapered if you don’t happen to be the ideal shape. Hooking your thumbs in your back pockets also gives that good V’d look. Monochromatic dressing is helpful to make a bitch look lean and make stretching you in Photoshop without distortion easier later. What else? Oh… cock rings. They can go around your whole package, around your balls only, or in a figure eight around your balls and dick. Whatever works for you. Hell, throw a plug in if it helps. If you’re taking a selfie in the bathroom, please crop out that crapper or at least close the goddamn toilet seat.
WAYS TO MAKE YOUR DICK LOOK BIGGER
Wear button-fly jeans and don’t fasten the second button from the bottom. Instabulge but not enough that it won’t show there’s a button undone.
Photoshop.
Wear underwear with shelfing pouches like the kind Francois Sagat makes. Cheapundies.com has some good ones, too.
Take a condom and break through the end and put it around your cock and balls. Like an underwire bra aka the poor man’s cock ring.
Fuck people with smaller hands.
If you’re trying to look feminine, the correct camera placeme
nt can do most of the work. The most flaw-prone areas can be captured when the camera is below a girl (hips, double chin, brow ridge). Placing the camera a little above is always the smart way to go if you don’t have time for surgery or tons of digital post work. When Eddie Redmayne was shooting his trahnz scenes in The Danish Girl, the cinematographer always ensured the frame was one to two inches higher than normal to make for a more feminine view of his face. I always do the same thing, because from below my chin looks like a Mount Rushmore with bronzer.
When all these tips fail, another way to look better is to take group shots with uglier people. The best way to come out looking good in a group-shot selfie is to hold the camera. When that’s not an option, find whoever looks the worst and stand next to them. Buying your friends Fireball shots and then saying “Selfie!” ten minutes later is a surefire way to shine. If you’re worried you’re going to be the worst one in the pic, that’s when you make a funny face or find a large decorative urn to hide halfway behind. Props always help. If you can’t get your hands on anything, post that ass up on the wall and put your shoulders forward. Boom. Standing centerfold. If you’re not sure what to do with your hands while standing, the Susan Lucci trick works for all genders: Put your palms on your legs and press down lightly. It expands your chest, lowers your shoulders, and makes you look just better in general. You can even try it with your hands in your pockets. Put the book down and try it. Did you do it? Do it, seriously. I bet you think you’re fancy now, huh? Ha-ha-ha. Idiot.
Just kidding. You’re not an idiot, but y’know who is? That one person who thinks they should be in the group shot when you know you’re just gonna crop their ass anyway. Usually, I’m the person to go “No, no, this is one with the girls,” trying to be nice about it, but sometimes it doesn’t work. Like, if you’re in a room full of queens and you have your genitals in a normal place, that means you shouldn’t be in the picture. At least not all of them. In fact, how ’bout you actually take the pic for us? Thank you. Be a gentleman. That’s what I wanted to say in the next shots, but as it was happening, I was like “Fuck this. I’mma put this in the book and use it as a learning experience.”