by Willam Belli
I actually met the Forrest Gump fucker at a show. He was not a fan. He thought I was repulsive because I was fellating an audience member (because, amazing as it is, I had already watched Detox do her Mannequin number three hundred times in five years). And y’know what? The guy I was blowing ended up using the “Do you remember me” line the next year at the same club. Again, I said I believed him and he sure did pull up the picture of the back of my head in his crotch. He got the full Meet, Greet, and Skeet package. Usually it’s just called a Meet and Greet. Not a Meet, Stay, and Tell Me About Your Cat You Named Willam but Then It Ran Away and Oh You’re Thinking About Doing Drag but You’re Also a Bipolar and You Give Me the Strength to Go On.
Fuckin’ greet me and let me greet you back and then put the coin on the dresser and hit the door. At an M&G, you usually have about fifteen to twenty seconds of my attention as a given. No bathroom chatter or locker-room talk ever. Have some common sense. I ran into Leah Remini at a local med spa and took my own advice, simply saying The King of Queens was my eleven p.m. TBS jam and that I was there at our mutual friend Michelle Visage’s recommendation. She was all like “Oooo… one of Michelle’s girls? OK.” I was happy at that point that she was even talking to me, because I mean we were in the lobby of a pumping parlor and it’s not like we were there just to Zen out. Although I had just had an extensive Eastern medicine/meditation consultation (which means I thought so intensely about getting Botox into me that a nice Asian lady named Sharon came into the room and pumped me full of it).
Treating a famous person like a normal person is usually the best bet. Especially in bed. Don’t ever mention when my dick is out that you think I shoulda won Drag Race, please. Think of it as dickscretion. For instance, I blew half the gay male leading cast of Mean Girls and, sure, technically that’s only two people if you don’t count Tim Meadows, but when I blew that one guy, I didn’t post something stupid like “On Wednesdays, we suck dick” even though it was a Wednesday and it was my first starfuck. He told me not to talk about it, so I just wiped my mouth with some Burger King napkins from my glove box and went about the rest of my night. NBD.
A lot of people comment that they don’t know what to say after they meet me or mention I’m intimidating. I would say sorry, but it’s not my fault. There is no reason to be afraid of speaking to someone you’re a fan of. Guess what? I never get tired of hearing how much you love me. G’head. Bitch, I’ll take the next train if you wanna talk and, yes, I will take that selfie with you. Never apologize for taking up my time. It actually takes up more of the alleged time that you’re not actually sorry for taking up. If you ask someone for a moment of their time and apologize while you do it, why should they go along? It’s like saying “Ugh, this is horrible. Here, try it.” Don’t be sorry. Be resolute and direct. I won’t say no to a picture unless I know I can’t reasonably pull off my semi-sober face.
Penmanship is everything.
A Reddit user said I was a cunt at an M&G at American Apparel in NYC and then, in the same thread, another commenter tried to apologize for me without even having been present. They hypothesized that I was maybe having an off day or something because I wouldn’t come around a table to take selfies with everyone. I was positioned in between Courtney and Alaska, and it woulda been impossible. Like, I gave out cupcakes to the end of the line at that very same event but totally lied about them being gluten-free. Call me terrible for that, but it’s totally within a person’s right to not interrupt their day to do your impromptu M&G exactly how you want it. Like, if I sign a picture with just my name and don’t write a personalized haiku in my own blood, would that make someone say to never meet their idols? I dunno. There’s a certain point when some people have to just give up pretending they want new friends instead of fans. I totally get that Gaga doesn’t want to spend a whole day taking selfies to satisfy a few hundred when that time is more valuably used creating content the whole world will enjoy. Comparing myself to Gaga or Ru is about as far-fetched as using a Frisbee as a fuck toy, but I hope I’ve shed a little light on things. So let’s recap: (1) Keep it cute, (2) keep it quick, (3) insert Yaaas/Fierce/Love, and (4) selfie and a send-off.
13
How to SUCK LESS at
TALKING TO TRAHNZ (TWENTY DUMB DRAG QUESTIONS)
No, I don’t want to answer some questions for your college thesis on what gender roles play in modern society or what drag means to you. STFU. If you’re paying money to learn and you’re trying to write about drag, maybe consider a better-accredited facility.
1 Q: I want to start drag. What do I do?
A: Watch my tutorials and do the opposite. I’d say do stuff people will give money to see or stuff that’s so awful they pay you to go away. Do as much drag as you can everywhere you can while you’re still passionate about actually creating something. Do drag on the Internet, on game shows, at bus stations, at clubs, at churches, at Church’s Chicken, at Shangela’s house. Because if you don’t end up making a name for yourself and succeeding (translation: being paid), it turns into a rather expensive hobby. If as a baby newbie queen, you’re doing another performer’s signature song as a tribute, homage, or straight-up jank, then you better turn it out and somehow make it not only different from your predecessor’s but also better in some ways. If I see you lip-synching a song I’ve popularized in one of my live singing acts, I’m simply reminded that you’re not as talented as I am. Find some way to dance the house down or get a gimmick real quick, because at a certain point, audiences go “OK… what’s next?” I dunno what else to write advice-wise, but I will just shamelessly steal a Chad Michaels tip: don’t be that queen with the dirty tights. Put a towel on the floor where you’re getting dressed and clean off your feet with alcohol wipes before slipping them into some pumps. The alcohol wipes are handy, because sometimes after untucking, your basement smells like a basement. For a more pleasant ride home, give a quick swipe with a swab before getting in the car.
2 Q: Where do the balls go?
A: My favorite spot to hide balls is in my mouth. But if you want me to specifically talk tucking my balls, here goes. If you’re just doing some quick drag in a loose garment, I’m totally fine with advocating a lazy lady casserole and just pulling all your junk back between your legs like Buffalo Bill into what I call a monster mash (see Pearl Liason). Put a few pairs of tights on and make sure, with an honest friend or a good look in the mirror, that it looks like all your luggage is properly stowed in the underass compartment.
When a tighter tuck is required, for a more body-conscious look, that’s when it’s time to play hide your keister eggs and stuff ’em up your body. Guys, y’know how when you’re on your back, about to jizz, and sometimes a ball pops up into the cavity above your dick and then you feel all emasculated even though there’s already a dick in your ass? OK. Well, that’s where I put my balls. I have to put my left ball up first, ’cause it’s bigger. If I put the right one up first, the left one is all like “Ocupado, señor.” So, yeah. I get the balls up and then I pull my dick back and wrap my loose sack skin around it like a dirty breakfast burrito. Then you just need to keep it in place with a gaff (a super-tight thong-string combo) or a few strips of tape. When taping, I like to dip into it so I don’t get any thigh skin or extra cheek fat in there. Otherwise it leaves stretch mark–like underskin crease bruises, like when you carry a bag that’s too heavy in the crook of your elbow.
3 Q: Wait. So you actually put tape on your balls?
A: Yes. The fuck I’m supposed to use? Post-Its? (You can also purchase a roll of my Tuct Tape on my website www.willambelli.com. New: $10. Used: $50.)
4 Q: How do you get the sticky stuff off?
A: Your father. In actuality, you’re right to query. It can get sticky down there when your father doesn’t thoroughly get at my balls like a hungry buttmunch. That’s when you break out the ol’ Goo Gone for one of the uses As Not Seen on TV. Just smear a little around. My friend Courtney says I’m gonna get taint cancer from it,
but it’s got orange oil in it so it can’t be that bad. That being said, you can always use coconut oil, too. She uses that. Either way, it is mutually agreed upon that you should get the sticky stuff off with a remover of some sort before trying to do it in the shower or else it’ll roll up like wet semen (any guy who’s ever jerked off in the shower knows what I’m talking about).
Ballwatch. Can you see the little dent created when I shove two round balls up into my otherwise taut stomach? Fuckin’ pervert. Turn the goddamn page.
5 Q: Wait. So where are your balls?
A: On either side of that dent above my panties here. Guys with big dicks don’t have trouble tucking. Guys with big balls do ’cause they get shoved up into the body. I’m like a Hungry Man meal. Small portion of meat but a lotta potato. Y’know when your mom used to yell at you to get in the car? I do that with my balls all the time. A nice hot shower helps them hang low and get them ready to launch off to taint land.
6 Q: Does it hurt to sit down?
A: Only if there’s no lube or money.
7 Q: I want to do drag, but I don’t have any money.
A: Remember this: long bangs, heavy powder, head down, walk fast, no spook. Let me break it down: “Long bangs” means you don’t have to worry about how your wig is glued to your forehead or if it’s in the right spot or, hell, even covering your brows. “Heavy powder” means turn your face into an imperfection-free mask. Suffocate the man who lurks beneath with a dust storm of coverage that will last till his beard peeks back through. “Head down” means to remember in photos to keep your head down. Look right above the flash so your eyes seem up and open. “Walk fast” means… well, walk fast. A rock in motion tends to stay in motion. While you’re not a rock, if it’s your first time in drag, you just might be a brick. So keep making laps and avoid pools of unfortunate lighting. No blue! “No spook” means just that: “to spook” means to garner attention because your look is scary or noticeable. Thank you Krystal Summers for this wise advice.
Hungry Trahnz: all potato, no meat.
8 Q: How’d you get into that?
A: We have tricks. Here’s one now:
Bangles don’t fit past those man knuckles? No problem.
A plastic bag over your hand will allow you to slip your hand through the bangles without tearing the skin off.
Shave your arms too, while you’re at it. Fuckin’ beast.
Wrap thread around your fingers to slide off rings that got too tight from all the water weight you’ve gained cocktailing.
9 Q: Any tips for me?
A: Be as nice as Ongina, as daring as Divine, as sickening as Mayhem, as take-no-shit as Delta, as chill as The Princess, and as unsinkable as Rhea Litre. Know your herstory and not just queens from TV. Jackie Beat, Christeene, the Cockettes. Try to have fun… and safety pins. Some bitch will always need one. Oh and when in doubt, just think “What would Raja do?”
10 Q: When did you know you wanted to be a woman?
A: I don’t want to be a woman. But if I ever transition, I want to be so passable that I can believably call in sick at work due to complications stemming from an abortion blood fart.
11 Q: I love drag queens, but I don’t wanna go alone/I’m not out/I’m lame.
A: You’re never alone with alcohol on your side. The ghosts of bad decisions past are all around you and will guide you. It’s not hard. What have you got to lose? I try to look at every new face I meet as a potential new seat, and anyone who doesn’t do the same is bound to miss out on some shit. Just try it. It’s not prom.
12 Q: What’s RuPaul like?
A: I’m not familiar with his dietary restrictions.
13 Q: What happens if you get hard in drag?
A: I double my booking fee. You ever see that part in Alice in Wonderland after she ate that acid cupcake and outgrew that house? You star in a one-man show called Tuck Neverlasting.
14 Q: Will you do my makeup?
A: Why Yes! Yes, I will random stranger who smells of whiskey in the club. But I need you to put your shoes back on and stop yelling at every girl onstage to do Beyoncé. This is not Spotify. You don’t get to pick what we do. Now, what’s your PIN?
15 Q: Why are you such a bitch?
A: Well, dear, I work at a place where people come to get fucked up because it’s more fun there than wherever you probably go to make money. So, for me, it’s like being a Muppet in a Holocaust film. Sure, it’s fun to have a gig and be in everyone’s splash zone, but let’s see you keep a whale in a fishtank and calibrate your mood. Free Willy, bitch.
16 Q: If I were straight, I’d bang you in drag…
A: Oh wow. Thank you! BTW, if Christmas were in July, you’d still be an asshole. That’s right outta The Notebook, isn’t it?
17 Q: Can I try on your wig?
A: Can you? Possibly. Will you? Only if you fuck it offa me.
18 Q: What’s my drag name?
A: Well, I got my moniker because my dad fucked my mom and that’s what they named me. You don’t need a drag name. Some of the best in the business don’t change theirs (Boy George, Charles Busch, Kevin Aviance, Joey Arias, Mathu Andersen, Leigh Bowery, Willi Ninja), but if you really feel the need to, please don’t use the whole middle name and pet way of working it out.
Best/worst names IMHO: Amnesty Barrel, Karen from Finance, Rape Soda, Raquel Felch, Crystal Beth Ann Fettermean, Bunny St. Blowclouds, Frittata Jenkins, Mrs. Peaches von Tiffanysworth, and the classic Helluva Bottom Carter.
19 Q: Shouldn’t you be in the men’s room?
A: Call me Caitlyn, cunt.
20 Q: What did you do on RuPaul’s Drag Race?
A: I actually get this question a lot and treasure it more each time. When I was disqualified, I was at Toad Hall in SF and listened to the bar all laugh when something funny happened and yell support when Latrice and I won. But when RuPaul sent me home, the entire bar gasped at the same time, and it was as unnatural as hearing a whole room fart in unison. Everyone looked at me, wanting answers… and I loved it! So giving up all the mystery of what I actually did would be too easy. It’s almost as easy as getting Alyssa to guest edit this next part on figuring out how to tongue pop.
Every magical tongue pop must include a moist mouth; a strong, very flexible, well-trained tongue; and discipline. Place your tongue on the roof of your mouth and imagine the sound echoing through hallways, and when the moment is right, pull back and release the pop of life! And I thank you. Always and forever, Alyssa Edwards
14
How to SUCK LESS at
STYLE
Isaac Mizrahi said, “A girl can do and say anything she wants when she looks like a lady.” I think this is super true. I always try to dress for the station or job in life where I want to be, regardless of where I actually am. Like, usually I dress like an unemployed Powerball winner in all vintage and a nice watch. Some bitch ain’t giving you nooch in a store? Flash a little wrist and show the shopgirl the T. As a kid, I said no to being an altar boy because (get this) I didn’t want to wear a dress. That garment they tried to make me wear woulda given me all the curves of a refrigerator, and I wouldn’t have stood a chance of getting molested.
As an adult, I get to wear whatever I want. I fought with my nephew Levi when he was five and said I dressed like a girl because I had long hair and earrings. I told him boys could dress like that too and pulled up a Jack Sparrow pic on my phone. It’s so satisfying winning a fight with a child. He has since learned I also wear dresses, but he knows enough not to call them ladies’ dresses. I wear my dresses. A dress is a dress is a tunic is a robe. Men have worn dress-like garments for most of the world’s history, and only recently have they been scrutinized for it. I take off my clothes more times in a night than some do in a full week, but as long as the presentation is perfect, you can get away with anything that may raise an eyebrow. Never be bare legged. Some Body Bling or Sally Hansen Airbrush Spray Makeup or even some skin-toned Capezio fishnets will save you lots of filtering later.
One of the biggest mistakes I see with hose-wearers is not wearing panties. The answer is yes. I usually wear a light panty over tights. If you’re wearing fishnets, a panty patch may suffice. If a woman wears fishnet panty hose with nothing under them, her vagina will look like a defrosted piece of salmon casually flung onto a chain-link fence. It’s not cute. My balls and dick skin trying to squeeze through diamond-patterned fishnet openings like genital-colored Play-Doh is something an audience never needs to see twice.
Your foundation garments are key in presenting a good overall look. No one should know what’s going on under your clothes. A jockstrap or cute bra peeking out is fine, but anything waistbandy that forces a muffin top or back roll is never the look. If you’re doing a shaper garment or Spanx, it happens often. Conceal it maybe with a belt or just take it the fuck off. Underclothes are stupid. Are you fucking Amish? No.