by Kelly Utt
I try and smell. And I do. “I smell the horses,” I say. “I smell the fresh morning air. I smell the sea.“
It all smells wonderful. It smells familiar. It smells like home.
“Very, very good,” Joe says. His calm reassurance is helping me relax and settle down deeply into the memory experience
“Now,“ he continues. “Is Roddy still in front of you?“
“Yes,“ I reply.
“I want you to ask Roddy if he has a message for you. Ask him to share his knowledge of this Ancient Greek lifetime so that you might use it in the present day.“
I look intently at Roddy in my memory, again being impressed by his dramatic physical stature. He is such a big guy. He feels me looking at him and stops what he’s doing with his horse to turn and face me. He puts both hands on his hips, waiting to hear what I have to say. His black horse turns and looks at me, too, and I almost feel like the horse could give me a message if I ask. These animals are wise and intelligent. I do as Joe says and I ask Ancient Greek Roddy if he has any messages for me. I ask him if he knows anything that can help me in our modern lives. I don’t say the words, but rather I think them and they’re communicated telepathically. It’s the same way Dad has communicated to me in my dreams. I’m getting the hang of this type of communication now and it feels natural.
Roddy looks at me and I suddenly feel that he does have something important to show me. It feels like he’s sending me a package of information that’s bursting at the seams with content. I’ve already given permission to receive it, so I feel pulled instantly as the knowledge begins to unfold. Before I can do anything to stop it, I’m swept away from the training ground and thrust into a much more volatile scene. The sky is dark and foreboding. This is a much harsher experience, a far cry from the happy morning with chirping birds. The images around me seem to swirl as I work to focus and make sense of them.
I’m with the other soldiers. Roddy and Leo are here. We’re far from our city now and I know we’re on a mission. We’re all amped up for action and the energy is palpable. We’ve trained years of our lives for just this sort of scenario and we’re about to execute that training with lethal force. I think we’re on some sort of a raid. We’re in a village and it feels foreign. If feels like we’re very far from home. Or, at least, farther than we usually are when we make regular rounds patrolling the area. This time, we’re on the offensive.
I look over at Roddy. He appears to be a leader. The leader. He’s standing tall beside his horse and motioning for the rest of us to fan out. A sickening rush comes over me and I feel like I’m going to throw up. In an instant, I see horrible images of destruction, fire, and death. We’ve come to destroy this village. Oh, how I wish I didn’t know this to be true. I feel so badly for having been involved. Everything becomes a blur. I can see smoke. I can hear the fire crackling. It’s strange, but I can pick up on Roddy’s feelings, too. He wears a brave face, but inside, it hurts him to do this. He doesn’t want to be causing death and destruction any more than I do. I suspect most of us here don’t want to be doing it. But we have orders. We have no choice. We have been ordered to carry out this mission and we have to do it.
I hear people crying and screaming. I see them running while gripping their loved ones and pulling them close as they flee their homes. I see myself taking a lighted torch and placing it along the base of a small home with the thatch roof. It hurts me to do, but I have to. Oh, I hate this. I’m immediately reminded of the horrors that took place as a result of my actions in the United States Air Force in my modern life. I may have been at a further distance, but the drones I designed and sometimes piloted killed people. They destroyed homes. They destroyed lives. I don’t know how to make sense of the brutality I’ve been a part of, in both lifetimes. I’m a reluctant participant, yet a participant nonetheless. My feelings of pride from just a short time ago are dampened by the harsh realities of the horrors I’ve been involved in.
I focus on Roddy because it seems like he was trying to show me this. I look hard at him as the mayhem in the scene behind us begins to dull and fade. I can tell he’s here doing this because it needed to be done. There’s something more to it than just following orders. There’s a bigger picture here and I want to understand it. I wonder why the orders were given in the first place. I wonder why Roddy seems to be showing me this scene, of all the scenes he could choose to share. I’m reminded of the night of the break-in last January when Roddy placed two calculated blows to the intruder’s head, ending his life right there in our front yard. Roddy didn’t hesitate at all. He decided it needed to be done and he did it, simple as that. I don’t know if he felt bad afterward, but he was decisive and certain when he took the action. In that scenario, I can understand why he did it. Someone came onto our property and took our little boy out of his bedroom window. That’s an egregious violation of our space and our right to live in peace. Maybe the violation which prompted the scene I’ve just been shown in Ancient Greece justifies the actions we took.
I want to know more.
I begin to think the question to ask Roddy what prompted this abominable scene when I hear a loud blaring sound that interrupts my regression. I feel myself being pulled back to waking consciousness just as intensely as I was first pulled to the white light around the door to my memory. I try to fight it, but there’s no use. It happens fast and rough. Joe doesn’t have a chance to gently bring me back with suggestions of elevators or counting up. This time, the blaring sound is incessant and intrusive. I feel my body in the Adirondack chair. My hands again ball up into fists. I toss my head from side to side as I try desperately to hold onto the Ancient Greeks scene and to maintain the line of communication with Ancient Greek Roddy. But it’s too late.
I open my eyes and identify the blaring sound like a car alarm that’s been set off. “I’m sorry, George,” Joe says. “I can see that you weren’t finished.“ I’m angry, but not at Joe. I don’t want to take my frustration out on him. I take a deep breath before I speak.
“Is that a car alarm?“ I ask.
“Sounds like it,” Joe confirms. “It sounds like it’s coming from out on the street. I’ll bet it’s a member of the media who is parked out there trying to get a story. Disgraceful.”
I knew Marjorie and Liam said they were out there, but I guess I put it out of my mind. I’ve had more important things to think about. I take another deep breath. I wanted more from the hypnosis session, but I’m grateful for what I got. Focusing on all of my senses helped me to delve deep and anchor myself in memory. Even though I may not have Joe available to help hypnotize me when I return to active duty tomorrow, I think I can go deeper on my own by using his methods. I can prompt myself to notice the smells, the sounds, and the physical sensations.
I can’t explain why, but I now know for certain that I am going back on active duty tomorrow for a mission. I don’t know how I know, but I know. I’m needed. It’s complicated. Very complicated. But I have to go. It’s who I am.
“It’s okay,” I say as I reach one hand over and pat Joe’s forearm. I can tell he feels bad and that he isn’t sure what to do to help me.
“That wasn’t…“
“It was enough,“ I say. “It was good. Thank you.“
Part II
Duty
5
Active
Joe and I walk back up the dock, climb the stairs, and step into the back door of our vacation rental house. Liam is there at the big dining room table when we arrive. He sees me as I open the door, so I motion with my head for him to step outside. My uncle looks solemn as he comes out and Joe goes in. I can tell by the look on Liam’s face that the news he has isn’t good.
“How did hypnosis go?” Liam asks as he folds his arms over his chest and leans against one of the railings on the deck.
His pose reminds me of Dad’s. I’m beginning to enjoy these moments when Liam looks like his big brother. They must be happening more often because he’s getting older. I don’t know. Maybe I’m ju
st seeing it more than I used to. Whatever the reason, I like seeing the resemblance.
“It was going okay until that car alarm went off and interrupted,” I stay.
“Yeah,” Liam says as he shakes his head.
“I can tell you all about it later,” I say. “Seeing as how we’re reporting for duty together, I suppose we’ll have time to chat on the plane. Right?”
“I’m afraid you’re right,” Liam confirms. “I tried, George. I really did. I pulled out all the stops, but they wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t even figure out what was going on. But it’s something big. We’re both needed right away.”
“Binghamton tomorrow morning?“ I ask.
“Actually, no,” Liam replies. “I explained the logistics and they said we could report to Nellis Air Force Base tomorrow. We have to be there by mid-day. Wheels up at 14:30.”
“Can we fly from here?” I ask.
“Unfortunately, not,” my uncle replies. “My commanding officer already checked. None of the flights from Tahoe Valley Airport would get us to Nellis in time. We’re going to have to drive. If we leave early in the morning tomorrow, we’ll make it. It’s about seven and a half hours without stops.”
“I guess that’s better than having to report to Binghamton,“ I say. My uncle laughs a little, cautiously. I can tell he doesn’t want to make light of the situation.
“So this is really happening,“ I say.
“I know it sucks. Horrible timing. Could not be worse.“
“I’m coming to learn that things could always be worse,“ I say somberly. “I just hope the mission will be short.“
Liam reaches an arm up and puts it on my shoulder. He’s trying to steady me. I appreciate him, but I’m feeling as steady as I think I’m going to get. I pull out my mobile phone and look at the time. Less than twenty-four hours until Liam and I will be on a plane to God knows where to do God knows what on behalf of the United States Air Force. I had better spend the rest of the day putting in place the very best plans I can come up with.
“What can I do?” Liam asks.
“I talked to Roddy awhile ago,“ I say. “He knows what’s happening. We’re getting the family together at the hospital at two o’clock for a meeting. We’ll hash things out and make detailed plans then. In the meantime, help me figure out what to tell my little boys.“
We stand quietly without saying anything because there’s nothing much to say. I just promised Ethan I would stay around and keep the boys safe. Leo and Will looked on. Now I’m going to sound like a liar to my children. How do I begin to explain this to them? What do I say that will ease their precious little minds? How will I be able to keep them safe when I’m far away? As has become all too typical lately, I have a lot of questions. And none of them have good answers.
“I’m here,” Liam says. “Like always, nephew. I’ll be right beside you as you tell them. I’ll be right beside you as you face every part of this that you have to face. We’re going to find a way through it.“
“Let’s start by telling Mom and Marjorie,” I say. “Would you mind going in and asking them to come out here? Maybe Joe can entertain the boys for a few minutes.”
“You bet,” Liam confirms. “I’m on it.“
Liam goes inside and closes the door behind him. I sit down on a wicker loveseat on the deck, amongst bright orange and red pillows. I begin to feel the familiar old sensation of being between two totally different worlds. And I’m not talking about Ancient Greece and the modern-day. Each time I’ve been deployed with the Air Force, I’ve seen conditions which are drastically different than what we enjoy here in the United States. I ponder the meaning of it all as I sit and stare out at the lake. My thoughts bounce between the carefree luxury of a vacation in Lake Tahoe, the fear and doubt of the threat to my family’s safety, and the atrocities happening in other parts of the world where human beings are living a completely different way of life.
On top of it all, I need time to absorb the Ancient Greek memory I just experienced. Joe’s right that I can only take so much at once. I want to accelerate the memories and learning. But I can feel that there are limits I shouldn’t push. I have to take it easy, a little at a time. Before I can get too deep into my thoughts, the door opens and Liam, Mom, and Marjorie come outside. Marjorie looks concerned, but like she has an intuitive sense of things. Maybe she overheard Liam on the phone and intuition doesn’t have anything to do with it. Mom, on the other hand, looks very concerned and in shock. I motion for them to sit down on the wicker furniture next to me.
“George, dear,” Mom begins. Her voice is shaky. Her hands are, too. “Liam says you have something urgent to tell us. What’s going on?“
I reach out and put one of my hands on top of Mom’s, working to stabilize it. I haven’t apologized for the way I talked to her yesterday. I don’t want to leave anything unsaid as I head out on the mission.
“Mom,“ I begin as I lean forward and look into her eyes. “I’m sorry I talked to you the way I did yesterday. I was frustrated and I said some things I shouldn’t have. I want you to know I love you very much and I won’t do that again. You deserve to be treated with respect.”
“Thank you for saying that, dear,” Mom replies. “But I know that’s not what you called us out here to talk about.”
“True,“ I say. “But I want to make sure to apologize. It’s important to me that you know how I feel.“
“I understand” Mom affirms. “I realize that a lot of what you said to me is the truth. Perhaps we can talk about some of that another time when we’re both calmer.“
“I’d like that,“ I reply as I squeeze Mom’s hand.
“So, what is it that you have to tell us?” Mom repeats.
Mom and Marjorie both look apprehensive. We’ve all been through so much this year that we’re on edge whenever we think we are about to receive bad news. I don’t blame them for being concerned.
“Well,” I begin. “This came out of nowhere, but I got a phone call a little while ago from the Air Force. They’re calling me back out of retirement for a mission. They say my expertise is needed and that there’s no option to cancel or postpone the mission.”
“Oh, no,” Mom says, raising one hand to cover her mouth.
“Liam, too?” Marjorie asks.
“Yes,” he answers. “And I’ve now called everyone I can possibly think of to try and get George out of this. No luck, whatsoever. I’ve been called back from my scheduled leave as well. They need both of us.”
Mom’s hands begin to tremble again. She’s been pretty steady throughout everything that’s happened to us, but she looks scared right now. She wasn’t scared when I’ve been sent out on missions before. Or at least, she didn’t show it. Marjorie sees how upset Mom is, so she leans over and puts an arm around her shoulders. The gesture touches me. Mom and Marjorie have spent plenty of time together over the years, but they’ve never seemed to make a deep connection. I always figured they liked and respected each other, but that they’re too different to be friends. If things go as I expect and I’m gone for a little while, Mom and Marjorie are going to be the two primary people I’ll rely on to take care of the boys. I hope they’ll be able to get to know each other a little better. I hope there’s a chance they can become friends.
“When do you have to leave?” Marjorie asks.
Liam and I look at each other. We know this particular piece of information is going to be the hardest to take. Liam does the hard work for me by saying it. “Early tomorrow morning,” he announces. “We have to be down in Vegas at Nellis Air Force Base by mid-day.”
Mom begins to cry softly now as Marjorie grips her shoulders tighter and tries to provide comfort. My hand is still on one of the Moms, so I give it another squeeze.
“What are we going to do?” Mom asks through tears. “We can only take so much. I’m happy to help in any way I can, but I fear I won’t be able to keep the boys safe. Just look what happened on my watch in the hospital last night. I honestly t
hought it was a real nurse who I let Ethan go with. I’ve been doubting my judgment ever since. And now, come to find out that you and Liam are both going to be gone. Do you even know when you’ll come back?“
Liam and I look at each other again.
“Unfortunately, we don’t,” Liam says. “We don’t even know yet what we’re going to be doing. Or where.“
Mom shakes her head from side to side as if she’s rejecting the information. Her body says no. “What about Ali?“ Mom asks. “We still don’t know what’s going to happen with her. She may not be awake when you leave. Not to mention, we live in New York... “
“I know,“ I say, as reassuringly as possible. “It’s the worst possible timing. Truly. My superiors know what’s happening with Ali, but they insist my expertise is needed anyway. They say it’s a matter of national security.“
“What about your family’s security?” Mom asks, desperately.
I lean back in my seat and raise one hand to smooth the hair down on the top of my head. It’s something I do when I’m nervous. I don’t have a good answer for Mom. In fact, I have the very same concerns myself.
“George,” Marjorie says. “I spoke with Roddy after you called him.“ So, that’s how she knew. “I want you to understand that he and I are committed to being here for you. We will stay here and take care of the boys and Ali. We’ll be here full-time. We will drop everything else that might split our attention.”
That’s both reassuring and upsetting at the same time. Now that I know about Roddy’s colon cancer diagnosis and his need for chemo, I’m concerned my absence will cause a delay in him getting the treatment he needs. This complicated situation will involve sacrifice on a variety of different fronts. I can’t mention Roddy‘s diagnosis to Mom because I’m not sure he wants others to know yet. I figured telling Liam was okay, a I had better stop there until I get Roddy’s permission.