by Kelly Utt
I think about the courage it took to step out onto that hospital ledge two nights ago to save my boy. I think about my most recent memory of Greece and about both my pride at being a soldier and my reluctance to do the hard things that had to be done. It’s a jumble and a mishmash of emotions, but it’s my life. I’m ready to do whatever it is that is needed and asked of me by the United States Armed Forces. Since I haven’t been told what the mission is, I don’t know what kind of risk it poses to me and Liam. I’ve been so worried about protecting my boys and about Ali’s recovery, but for all I know, I might be the one who doesn’t make it out alive. That’s a very real possibility I can’t ignore.
We make a quick stop by the hospital so I can say goodbye to Ali as I promised her. Visiting hours won’t begin for several more hours, but no one gives me any trouble as I walk into my wife’s room. Nicky steps outside for a few minutes and chats with Liam so Ali and I can have some time alone.
I tell Alessandra that she’s my one true love, forever and always. I tell her that if either one of us should see this life come to an end earlier than expected, to know that I think it’s all been worth it. We’ve experienced more than fifteen years of the greatest love I’ve ever known. I tell her that it’s been my honor to love and to care for her and our little boys. I tell her that our love is a grand one, for the ages. It’s the kind of love that books and movies are written about, the kind that people pine for, and the kind that only a few are so lucky as to ever experience. I tell her that I’ll love her until my dying breath and beyond. I tell her love like ours endures. It connects people through time and space, and even the darkest of days can’t extinguish its eternal flame.
I wrap my arms around my unconscious wife’s shoulders and I slide them carefully behind her back, lifting her ever so slightly from the bed. I squeeze her gently and I listen to her quiet heartbeat pulsing in rhythm with my own. I press my face against the side of her and I breathe deeply, taking in her familiar scent. I feel the skin on her cheeks and her exposed arms up against my own and I relish in its warm softness. I hold her as tears stream down my cheeks and into her hair. For what feels like an eternity, I don’t move. I find myself wanting to stay in this moment with her so that we don’t have to part and bad things don’t have to happen. It’s beautiful and it’s excruciating at the same time.
Finally, Liam knocks gently on the glass door. I know what he’s going to say before he says it. He doesn’t want to interrupt, but we have orders and we can’t be late.
I say goodbye to my wife and I lean down near her abdomen and I say goodbye to our unborn baby. Like a good soldier, I stand up straight and I turn to face my fate as I walk out of the hospital with my uncle by my side. A new chapter of my life begins right this moment. It’s time to go and to again be with my brothers and sisters in arms. If my superiors say there’s a threat to national security and I’m needed to help thwart it, then I’ll give that task my undying devotion. Maybe, this will be the most important mission I’ve ever been involved in. Maybe, I’ll be given the opportunity to save lives and to make a real difference in the world. Maybe, even my own family will benefit from the work that I do on this mission, at least indirectly.
Change is coming. I can feel it in my bones. By the time I get back— if I get back— things will not be the same.
7
Patriots
By the time the sun begins to come up, we’re beyond the Sierra Nevada mountain range and are winding our way through the countryside on US Route 95-South, east of Yosemite National Park in route to Las Vegas. Liam drives just enough over the speed limit to help us make a little extra time. We don’t stop for a bathroom break. We’re holding it. Liam and I have hardly said a word to each other so far. I like that about our relationship. It’s easy. We can be together in silence and it isn’t awkward. We don’t have to fill the space with meaningless conversation.
It’s hard to keep from thinking of my wife and little boys, but I do my best to push all of that out of my mind. Instead, I think about what it’s like to be deployed on a mission. I’ve been deployed dozens of times before and although I believed those days were behind me, I imagine it will all come right back. Much like riding a bike.
“Do they know we don’t have any uniforms with us?“ I ask Liam. “I hardly think they’ll want us showing up in lake clothes. We look like a couple of vacationers.“
Liam chuckles. I think maybe he’s relieved that I finally broke in silence.
“I don’t know,” he says. “But it will be okay. They’re bound to have extras laying around. Especially in a situation like this where we’ve been called back on short notice. They know we weren’t home when they called us. They’ll make accommodations.“
I reach up and smooth the hair on the top of my head down absentmindedly, as I do when I’m nervous. Liam sees the gesture and tilts his head to one side as if he’s thinking.
“George, buddy?“ he asks. “Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you? I know you’re afraid to leave your family. Since I don’t have kids of my own, I won’t say I know what you’re going through. But I can imagine. How can I help?“
I take a deep breath and slowly exhale before I answer.
“Uncle, just having you with me is the best comfort I could wish for. I’m facing the unknown here, in multiple ways. I don’t know if my wife is going to make it. I don’t know if my family is going to be safe without me there to protect him. Hell, I don’t even know if my father-in-law is going to be okay without getting started on his chemotherapy as scheduled. Not to mention, I have no idea what you and I are walking into. It must be something pretty substantial for them to call us back… You from leave and me from retirement.“
“It’s a lot,” Liam confirms.
“So, yeah,” I say. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do other than just be with me as I go through this.“
“Well, that I can do,” Liam says. “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere” He taps his fingers on the steering wheel in a rhythm. It seems like he’s thinking about turning on the radio and listening to some music. Or maybe it just helps him think. “Are you afraid for your own safety?“ he asks.
I guess it’s a reasonable question, but it’s not something I’ve thought much about. “Not really,” I say. “I’m getting by. We’re taking it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. But I’m alright. It’s my family I’m concerned about. My deepest fear is not being able to protect them. They are everything to me. You know?“
“I do,“ he confirms. “But what about you? Tell me the truth. Are you afraid? For yourself?”
I reach one hand up and fiddle with the seatbelt that’s strapped across my chest. The only fear of my own that I want to think about is the one that drives me as a protector. It’s the only one that matters. Maybe I’m in denial, but I’m not sure I can help it if I am.
“I don’t know how to answer that,” I reply. “I’m not trying to be difficult, Liam, truly. I think maybe my mind is protecting me for some reason. Like, maybe the reality is too much to handle so my mind has compartmentalized things. First up on the surface is protecting them. Keeping them safe is all I can think about.“
“I get it,” my uncle confirms. He pauses again. Calculating his words. “George? Have you ever thought about what you’d want to see happen if you should die young?“
I wonder where all this is coming from. Liam and I have been on so many missions together before. And he’s never once talked like this. I wonder if he knows something I don’t. “Not really. Why do you ask?“
My uncle hesitates.
“Liam,” I try again. “Am I missing something here? What’s happening?“
“It’s just…You’re the father of three young sons and you have a wife to think about. It seems like it’s time to discuss plans, should your life come to an untimely end. I don’t mean to sound morbid. I think most people do this kind of planning. So, I’m asking questions. That’s all.“
&
nbsp; “Alright then,“ I reply. I’ll humor him. Why not? We have several more hours of driving ahead of us anyway. I suppose we might as well pass the time and this topic of conversation is as good as any other. “What exactly do you want to know?“
“Well, for starters, do you have all of your financial arrangements in order?“
I bristle at this question. Liam and I can talk about anything, but it’s beginning to feel like I’m under attack.
“Yeah, the house is paid for in cash and the deed is in both mine and Ali‘s names. That’s all taken care of. All of our accounts are joint and I have zero debt. Ali would have plenty of money for herself and the boys, even if I weren’t around.”
“I thought so,“ Liam says. “I wanted to double-check. So you’d want Ali to stay living in the house in Ithaca?“
This is getting more and more uncomfortable as it goes on. I don’t want to think about Ali having to face life without me. I’ve been wrestling with the possibility of facing it without her, and it’s terrible. I don’t want her to be in that position. Ever. I want us to die together when we’re old and gray and have squeezed every drop of goodness out of life. I want us to be one of those old couples holding hands from our respective death beds and then passing within hours of each other. That’s the way it should be. Nothing else makes sense.
“I guess, yeah,” I say to Liam. “I hadn’t thought about it. But yeah, we’re set up well in that regard.“
“Okay, good,” my uncle confirms. He leans over a little and puts a hand on my forearm. He looks so serious that it scares me. “George,“ he begins. “Do you have a will? Any wishes for your remains? Or your memorial service?“
“What in the hell, Liam?“ I say, getting angry now. “Yes, I have a will. But, what has gotten into you? Why are you talking to me like this? I’m asking you point-blank and I want an honest answer. Do you know something about this mission I don’t? Because it sure sounds like it. Are we facing a higher threat level than ever before? Tell me the truth. I can handle it.”
Liam keeps his hand on my forearm. He doesn’t react to my escalated response. He remains calm and steady. Good old Liam. I’m grateful for his calming influence, even when I’m frustrated by it.
“No need to get worked up, nephew,” he replies. “As I said, I’m just asking the questions. I’m sorry if they are upsetting you.”
“I don’t understand,” I say. “I can tell there is something you aren’t saying. There’s something I don’t know. And I don’t like it.“
“Settle down, buddy. We’ll get through this.“
All at once, I feel claustrophobic in the car. Maybe it’s exhaustion making me touchy. Maybe the events of the last few days are still lingering in my psyche. Whatever it is, I want out. Now.
“Stop the car,“ I say. “I need some air.“
“Are you sure?“ Liam asks. “Time is tight as it is and we don’t want to be late.“
“I’m sure. Stop the car.“
Liam nods and pulls the car over onto the side of the road. He doesn’t take his hand off my forearm until I move to step out of the vehicle.
The sun is climbing steadily now and the sky is fully lit. The landscape around us is rocky with sparse vegetation. It’s not what I would typically think of as beautiful, but with the morning glow, it looks just that. There are no other cars or people around us. It feels a little eerie here. Like time has stood still. Even though I know this is real life, it has a similar quality to the dreams I’ve had where I’ve communicated with Dad. The setting seems almost concocted and artificial. Like my mind wants it there, but it doesn’t actually need to be. I leap out of the car and step a few feet away, into the rocky dirt. My head is spinning. I lean over, put my hands on my knees and stare down at the earth below me. I’m not sure what I need, but I need something. My entire life seems so shaky now. Nothing seems stable.
Liam turns the ignition off and gets out of the car, too, then walks over to stand beside me. He places a hand on my back. “You okay, buddy? Are you going to be sick?” I shake my head no. I wish I was sick enough to vomit. I long for the relief that comes after throwing up. I wish it were that simple.
My attention is drawn to a screeching bird raising all kinds of ruckus overhead. Aside from this lone bird, the rest of the environment seems to be barren and devoid of wildlife. I raise one hand to block out the direct sun and get a view of the bird as it continues to screech, loud and insistent.
“Boy, that creature has a lot to say this morning,” Liam remarks. “I’d like to know what’s on his mind.“
The bird circles closer to us. It comes so close that I wonder if it’s going to try and attack us. “I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe it’s protecting a nest. Maybe we just so happen to be too close and are making it uncomfortable.“
As it swoops down, we get a good look at the bird. It’s a hawk. Its white feathers appear to be trimmed with black. It looks glorious as the morning sun glistens on its body, highlighting the outline of its strong wings and powerful beak.
“What a beautiful bird,” Liam says. “It’s so full of life and vigor. Kind of makes you think about the meaning of it all, doesn’t it? Life can be cruel and terrible. But it can also be breathtakingly beautiful.”
I think about our conversation in the car from a few minutes ago and I begin to get agitated. First Liam is asking me about arrangements for my remains and now he’s talking about the meaning of life as inspired by this hawk. Don’t get me wrong. I agree with him. But I’m beginning to feel pushed into something that I’m not ready for and don’t understand. I have to move forward in my own time and come to terms with things at my own pace. I hope my uncle can understand that.
“Say, buddy,” he continues. “This bird being here like this reminds me of the snake we saw the other day when we were jogging around Lake Tahoe. I wonder what Marjorie would have to say about it. I wonder if a hawk is known as a spiritual symbol of anything.”
“I have no idea,” I say, still irritated. “We can ask the next time we talk to her.“
The hawk continues to circle and screech, coming closer and closer to us each time. He seems to want to be acknowledged, so I consciously look up and make eye contact. In my mind, I tell the bird that I see him. We seem to connect as if we’re communicating. I’m reminded of the way I communicated with Dad in the dreams and then with John Wendell after he died. Plus, my most recent Ancient Greece memory makes me think I’m becoming better at communicating telepathically. I’m certainly being presented with more and more opportunities to do so. Although, maybe such opportunities have always been there and I just wasn’t tuned in enough to recognize them.
I’m not sure how much of this I want to tell Liam right now. It’s not that I can’t tell him, because, of course, I can. But I don’t want him to think I’ve lost my mind. It seems like I should pace myself and tell him my strange stories a little at a time. But it doesn’t matter, because Liam sees what’s happening.
“That bird is really looking you over,“ he says. “Like the two of you are communicating. No need for speech or language, apparently. Are you feeling this?”
“I am,” I say, somewhat reluctantly. “I think the bird just wants me to see it. To acknowledge its presence as a living being, you know? I haven’t had a chance to tell you about it yet, but when Joe had me under hypnosis yesterday morning on the dock, I was remembering a scene from Ancient Greece and the sounds of the birds and the horses stood out to me. Like, I saw them in a new and different way. I could feel how happy and carefree the birds were. It was morning in my memory, just like it is now. There were songbirds there who were eager to greet the day, much like this hawk.”
“That’s fascinating. We should all pay attention to the animals. And communication that happens in ways other than verbal. I like it, George. You’re growing and changing. I’m proud of you.”
Liam steps closer to me and puts one arm around my shoulders. His touch is familiar and comforting. I know that as long
as he’s around, my family and I will never be alone. He’s the best friend a guy could ask for. The fact that he’s also my uncle makes it even more special. I can’t stay irritated with him for long.
“Thanks, man,“ I say, perking up. “You’re the best.“
He laughs, as expected. “Now tell me something I don’t know.“
I’m ready to get back into the car and back to business, so I nod goodbye to the hawk and return to the vehicle.
“Let’s get moving,” I say. “I’m already thinking about how the boys are awake now. They’re probably eating breakfast with Margie and Roddy and asking questions about when their parents are coming home. I can’t let myself think about it too much or I’ll never be able to perform my job duties properly.“
“I hear you,” Liam says. “Do you want to drive for a while? I promise to only talk about the mission we have in front of us.“
“Sure,“ I say. “Some driving will be good. But I’d like to stop and grab breakfast. Do you think we have time?“
“Yeah, I think we do,” Liam replies. “We’ve made good time so far. We have some wiggle room. I’m sure they want us fueled up and at full strength when we arrive. Some bacon and eggs ought to do the trick.“
We climb back into the car and drive until we see a diner with its open sign lit. We make a pitstop to eat, use the restroom, and stretch our legs. Liam doesn’t bring up any more difficult questions, thankfully. Instead, we chat about lighter topics related to our upcoming mission. I try to get Liam to tell me more about what he knows, but he claims that he can’t. It’s classified and all. I have the same top-secret clearance, but it comes with a need to know.
I remember when I was a young officer, fresh out of college. I thought top-secret clearance meant I’d get to find out everything, including whether or not there really are aliens in Roswell, New Mexico. I was disappointed when I learned it didn’t work that way and that I’d probably never find out about Roswell. A part of me still holds out hope for learning the truth, but mostly, it’s a topic I laugh to myself about now and then.