“No, I’m Irish,” he retorts.
Ellen blows him a kiss and walks to her own apartment.
Not until she is about to climb into bed does she realize Tim didn’t wear a condom and she laughs at the incongruity of asking her ex-husband to wear one while her friend makes love to her three times in one night without. Abruptly she stops laughing. Unprotected sex isn’t funny. She’s sure now that he’s not gay, but equally sure that he’s had other partners — many other partners.
Now she has a new set of worries.
— 14 —
JOANNE AND JANA TUMBLE into the apartment early the next morning, twin whirlwinds exploding into Ellen’s world. Jana’s words roll from her in a torrent as she simultaneously tries to struggle out of her coat, untie her shoes, give Ellen a hug, and show off her newest treasure. Joanne is only slightly better as she balances an armload of bags and boxes while helping Jana.
“Let me give you a hand with those,” Ellen says, deftly grabbing the load from Joanne’s arms.
“Mom, we had the most wonderful visit. It was great to see Dad again.” There was a short pause. “He sends his love.”
She waits for a reaction that doesn’t materialize.
“Grampa gived me a picture of mommy when she was little,” Jana chirps, waving a snapshot in front of Ellen’s face.
She remembers it well. The girls’ fifth birthday. She had pointed at something to distract their attention while Al sneaked behind their backs, a puppy cradled in each arm. The pups wore party hats and big ribbon bows.
“I still remember how I felt at that moment.” Joanne laughs.
“How, Mommy?”
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Total shock! That was probably the happiest moment of my life.” She bends down and hugs Jana. “Until you came along, munchkin.”
Jana is off and running with a thousand new questions. What were the puppies’ names? Where did they stay? Did they sleep on her bed? Where were they now?
Joanne solemnly relates the history of the pups — funny things they did, exasperating moments, special memories. Then, of course, comes the loaded question.
“Can I get a puppy, Mommy?”
Joanne glances at her mother.
“We’ll have to see, sweetheart.”
“That means no,” Jana says, pouting.
“No, it just means we can’t get one right now. Things are a little confused right now. We’ll have to wait a while.”
“Does that mean I can?”
“Maybe later.”
“You didn’t say maybe. You said wait a while. How long is a while?”
Ellen fiddles with her fingers, smoothing a cuticle, ignoring Joanne’s silent plea for help. The obvious answer is yes, if they go back home and she patches things up with Stan. And no if she moves into an apartment and goes out to work every day.
“Well, a while doesn’t have any real time to it. It’s not like tomorrow.”
“Is it next week?”
“No, not then, either.”
“Before my birthday?”
Joanne doesn’t answer.
“When we go home?” Jana persists.
“Jana, leave it.” A tinge of anger colours Joanne’s voice. “We’ve got lots of other things to think about before we worry about a puppy. But I’ll make you a promise. You will have a puppy one day. Okay?”
“Is that a really truly promise?”
“It is.”
Amazingly, Jana is satisfied. As Joanne turns to look at her mother, Ellen can’t help but think how much the two look alike. The same wide open eyes, the same small, neat chin, the same pleading expression.
“Dad would really like to see you again.”
Ellen takes a deep breath.
“Joanne, leave it. I’ve got lots of other things to think about. Okay?”
Even as the words slip past her lips, she wants to recall them. Joanne’s eyes react as though she’s been slapped. And of course, by repeating her own words, Ellen has slapped her — verbally — but it’s just as painful as a physical slap.
“I’m sorry, honey. I’m not upset with you. It’s your father. It isn’t fair of him to use you like that. He knows how I feel. He’s just not willing to accept it.”
“Well, at least you didn’t promise me I could have a new daddy one day.” She tries to laugh off her mother’s comment.
“Joanne, you already have a father. That doesn’t change. It never will.”
“I know, Mom, but this seems so wrong. He’s miserable living by himself, and you’re miserable living by yourself.”
“Whoa! Who says I’m miserable?”
“Sorry, that’s the wrong word. I should have said lonesome.”
“Not even lonesome.”
“But you don’t have any friends here.”
“You’re wrong. I do. You simply don’t know them. Believe me, Joanne. I have a very full and satisfying life without your father. And I plan to keep it that way. Now can we please change the subject?”
As if on cue, the phone rings. It’s Stan, for Joanne. As Ellen hands over the phone, Joanne gestures toward Jana. Ellen nods.
“Come on, honey. I’ve got a new book that I think you’ll like.”
Joanne’s voice follows them as they walk into the bedroom to look at the book, a story about a caterpillar whose multi-legged adventures carry him to strange and wonderful places. When the story ends, Jana considers for a moment before turning to Ellen.
“That wasn’t really, was it, Gramma?”
“No, pumpkin, that was make believe.”
Jana’s face reflects the turmoil in her mind. It’s like watching a little rivulet, twisting its way down a rainy windowpane, darting first one way, then another, reaching toward ever larger globules of water, only running true when it becomes large enough to resist their pull.
“Mommy used to tell me things that were really, but now she says things that are make believe, only she thinks they’re really.”
“Mommy’s having a hard time right now, munchkin. You’ll just have to be patient with her.”
Jana looks up solemnly, large, round eyes fixed on Ellen. Then she sighs and looks away. Ellen isn’t sure if Jana thinks she’s in league with her mother, or whether adults simply can’t be trusted anymore.
At that moment, Joanne appears in the doorway.
“Hey, guys. I’ve got a great idea. Let’s go down to the mall for ice cream.”
It’s obvious she wants to talk, but needs something to distract Jana. Baskin and Robbins and their 31 flavours might do it. By this time, Ellen’s curiosity is aroused, but she’s also resentful of Joanne’s easy assumption that she has nothing else to do. Wickedly, she wonders what might happen if she told her daughter she had a date with her lover later on today, or wanted to go on a fifty-mile bike ride. It’s a beautiful day, perfect for riding, and Ellen would far rather be doing that than wandering around in the mall, but curiosity wins and she agrees to go.
It’s an easy venue for talking. Jana is distracted by sidewalk displays — toy shops, a pet shop, a book store. The activity centre interests her but she isn’t feeling confident enough to leave her mother’s side to investigate. She watches for a while, then they resume their stroll and arrive at the ice cream store, where Jana flits like a hummingbird from one choice to another. Eventually she settles on rainbow and they seat themselves on a nearby bench.
“Jana, you can watch the puppies while you eat your ice cream,” Joanne says, and as Jana scampers to the pet shop window, she turns to Ellen.
“Dad offered to take Jana for a few days so Stan and I can go somewhere and spend some uninterrupted time together to talk things over. He thought neutral ground might make it easier.”
“Knowing your father, he’s probably fantasizing a second honeymoon for you and Stan.”
Joanne shrugs.
“Whatever. Stan and I need to talk. Putting it off just makes it that much more difficult. Maybe Dad’s right; neutral ground migh
t make a difference. We certainly couldn’t do it at home and it’s time we got things resolved. It’s wearing me down … and I know it’s upsetting Jana, too.”
The waltzing finally comes to an end as she faces Ellen and takes her hand.
“Mom, just for the weekend, could you move back in with Dad?”
Ellen’s eyes widen in shock.
“Could I what?”
“Well, it’s hard for him to look after Jana by himself. He’s not used to little kids. And it’s just for the weekend. He’s not asking you to make any long-term commitment … or any commitment at all. Just to spend the weekend there. Please, Mom?”
Ellen locks her jaw to prevent words from spilling out of her mouth, takes a deep breath, than another, before she trusts herself to reply.
“Joanne, I think it’s a great idea for you and Stan to talk. It’s a wonderful idea to have your talk on neutral ground. But it’s not
a good idea for me to play house with your father for the weekend. If you’d feel more comfortable, leave Jana with me. I’m used to looking after little kids. I’ve had some experience, remember? Or leave Jana with him. He’s capable enough. He’s had some experience too.”
Joanne studies the nail on her left thumb, examining it closely before she speaks.
“Okay, so he wants to spend some time with you. Is that so wrong? Wouldn’t it be great if you could resolve your differences with him and Stan and I could sort things out too?”
“And live happily ever after?” Ellen adds.
Joanne scrutinizes her other thumbnail.
“Joanne, your father is a manipulator. He’s using you and he’s using Jana to make me do something I don’t want to do. Something I’m not going to do. I spent thirty years dancing to his whims, walking a tightrope so as not to upset him or send him off into one of his moods, or generate a tantrum.
“No, Joanne. I will not spend a weekend with your father.”
“Even if …”
“Even if nothing. I won’t do it. Jana can stay with me. She’d be happy. Your father can visit if he wants to spend some time with her. But that’s it. Or you can leave her with him.”
Angry as she is, Ellen has to stifle laughter as Joanne tries to marshal an argument. Her daughter is once again the twelve-year-old who is convinced she has the meanest mother in the world because she isn’t allowed to do something that “everyone else” is doing.
“Joanne, forget it. Whatever you were about to say, forget it.”
The stony silence is accompanied by a pair of glaring eyes.
Ellen walks to the pet shop window and kneels beside Jana.
“Which one is your favourite?”
Jana has no trouble making up her mind.
“That one. The little brown one with the spots on his nose. I like him.”
Joanne has walked over toward them.
Ellen extends an olive branch.
“Which one is your favourite, Joanne?”
Joanne refuses to accept it.
“Is there anything we need in the mall, or can we go home now?”
“Home is fine,” Ellen replies, levelly.
Jana and Ellen make most of the conversation on the ride home, choosing names for some of the puppies. They continue their conversation during the tense dinner. Ellen continues to chat with her granddaughter while Joanne steps out in the hall to make a series of phone calls on her cell. Finally, it’s bedtime for Jana. Ellen runs the water into the tub and laces it with bubble bath. She builds bubble hats on Jana’s head and makes bubble animals until the water begins to cool. Then it’s time to rub her dry with a thick, warm towel and pop her into her pyjamas.
Joanne re-enters the apartment.
“Mom, I’ve been thinking.”
Ellen waits, while Joanne chooses her words.
“I really need time to work things out with Stan. And Jana needs to spend time with her grandfather, too. If you won’t help Dad, he’ll just have to cope the best he can. After all, he did help raise four children. He can’t be that inept.”
Words rise to Ellen’s lips. Can’t he? Where was he when.…? But there’s no point to that now. She bites off her response. Whatever Joanne’s memories are, they won’t change now, regardless of what Ellen may or may not say.
“I’m sure he’ll do just fine. When will Jana visit with him?”
“This weekend.”
The words hang between them. Ellen throws Joanne a small gift.
“Tell him to call me if he needs help.”
Joanne relaxes and Ellen stifles a smile. It’s so easy to read her daughter’s face. At this moment, Joanne is confident that things will go according to her plan. Al will call, Ellen will rush to his aid, they’ll realize they miss each other, and like a sudden burst of sunshine after a storm, everything will be well again.
It’s a classic response to a classic situation. Only it doesn’t usually happen after the child of a divorce approaches thirty. Or does it? Is it something children yearn for no matter how old they are? At this point it seems Joanne is more interested in getting her parents back together than in solving the problems in her own marriage.
It will make a funny story to share with Tim, when this is all over.
The next day, she helps Jana load her backpack with the things she’ll need for her sleepover at Grandpa’s.
“Can Grampa make braids?” Jana asks, trying to decide which of her hair clips and bows she wants to take with her.
“I don’t know,” Ellen replies. “I don’t think he’s ever tried.”
“But I like to wear braids.”
“You’re not wearing them now,” Ellen points out.
Joanne peers out from Jana’s eyes.
Ellen sighs.
“How would it be if I do your hair in braids before you go?”
Jana considers briefly, then smiles. Her world is serene again.
— 15 —
SUNDAY IS SUCH A beautiful day that it catches Ellen by surprise. It unfolds with a wonderful sense of freedom. Jana and Joanne are away. She is answerable to no one. The drizzle of the past few days has ended and sunlight streams through the window, a marker of Indian summer. Breakfast can wait. Coffee can wait. Everything can wait while she takes advantage of this unexpected gift.
The liberating sound of wheels against the road frees her mind and she turns her thoughts to Joanne and Stan, and to Al. Joanne has shown more backbone than she herself ever had, and that’s a big plus in Ellen’s mind. Still, she knows how manipulative Al can be. From his point of view, it would be comfortable to have Joanne move home to stay. She’d keep house for him. Is he capable of being that devious? Perhaps not consciously, but yes, it’s possible. It’s selfish behaviour, but he likes to be comfortable.
She battles with the notion that she should warn Joanne. But warn her against her own father? It seems so unfair. She’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. Why isn’t there someone who can tell her the right answers and make decisions for her? For that matter, why can’t she make decisions for herself? Why can’t she stand up for herself?
The turmoil continues in her mind, fuelled by the rhythm of the road. Where did Al get off, deciding he had a right to come riding with her, whether she wanted him to or not? Deciding she should come at his beck and go through things in the house. Deciding … it didn’t matter what it was, she was expected to respond. Not just respond but acquiesce. Whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.
Was Tim any better? Was what happened with Tim anything more than his fantasy? Yes, she was willing, but there could have been more warning — a buildup, maybe even a date, a dinner, a prelude of some sort. It was almost rape. Very pleasant rape, but nonetheless an invasion of herself. And unprotected. That was the ultimate in selfish behaviour on his part.
And Joanne. Much as she loved her daughter, much as she wanted to help her, surely she could have said something more than a few hours before arriving on her doorstep? What if she’d been on her way to California
. Or in California? What would she have done then?
The wheels and her pedals echo the metre of California.
California, California, California, like the rhythm of a steam engine as it chugs along the road.
Ah, but steam engines arrive at their destinations. And she doesn’t seem to.
She should be in California already, she thinks. She should have been there some time ago. But always, something gets in the way. Something she can’t say no to. Something she has to accommodate.
As she rides, she notices a lull in the traffic, cars slowing down. Curious. It doesn’t seem like there’s anything ahead on the road that would cause a problem. But something is happening. The cars go slower and slower and she finally catches up to some of the traffic.
She notices a woman sitting in her car, pulled over to the side of the road. She’s slumped over the steering wheel, listening to the car radio. Tears trickle down her face. The woman is in obvious distress and Ellen slows, pulling in beside the car to see if she can offer help. Ellen’s shadow draws the woman’s attention. Wordlessly, she gestures through the open window, shaking her head as the newscaster’s voice repeats the horrifying description of a tragic incident in New York. An airplane has flown into one of the towers, hundreds of people are trapped and smoke is pouring from the rupture in the tower’s façade. A second plane has flown into another tower and there are reports of other terrorist attacks against national landmarks.
“I can’t believe it,” the woman says.
“Is it a radio play?” Ellen suggests, unable to grasp the enormity of the event.
The woman shakes her head. “No. It’s on all the stations.” She listens for a moment, then continues.
“I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do.”
The woman stretches her hand out the window. Ellen clasps it, attempting to reassure her, but there is no reassurance anywhere.
“I have to go,” Ellen says.
“I know. I do too,” the woman replies.
Gently, Ellen removes her hand from the woman’s grasp, mounts her bike, and retraces her route home. She has to phone Joanne and tell her not to let Jana listen to the radio or watch the TV. But when she enters her apartment, the phone is ringing.
On the Rim Page 20