by Mia Ford
“Wow,” she said suspiciously. “How are her parents?”
“I don’t know anything about her mother except that she isn’t around,” I said. “And Caspian is cool.”
“Caspian? You call your boss by his first name like it’s nothing?”
“It’s not exactly a super professional atmosphere.” I laughed.
“Oh yeah? How unprofessional are we talking?”
“Don’t,” I said, knowing where she was going.
“Oh my God,” she squealed. “Are you serious?”
“Okay, okay,” I said, blushing. “Stop screaming, and I’ll tell you all about it.”
“I’m calm,” she said breathlessly.
“I slept with Caspian last night,” I said quickly.
“Good for you,” she said excitedly.
“I don’t know how good for me it is,” I scoffed. “I mean, this could get really complicated or bad for me. What if things don’t work out between us, and he fires me? Technically, I don’t have rent, but I need a job. And I really like this job.”
“You need to relax,” she said. “Stop stressing out about all of this and just go with the flow. I know that is hard for you, but it is a normal thing that everyone does. Just let whatever is going on between the two of you happen naturally. If you fight it at this point, it will just make things worse and really awkward. Do you like the guy?”
“Yes.” I sighed. “I really like him. I don’t know if I can just go with the flow on this one. You know how I worry about every damn thing. This is just going to be another thing for me to freak out about.”
“Yes, and then you will self-destruct your own love life like you always do,” she said. “You want to keep your job, and you like this guy. The only choice you have is to go with the flow. Don’t force it, and don’t push it away. Just let it go.”
“I will give it my best shot,” I said, pulling up to Aggie’s. “But hey, I’ll call you later. I am running late.”
“If you weren’t out getting some, you would be on time,” she teased.
“Yeah, yeah,” I replied, climbing out of the car. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye, lover girl.” She giggled as she hung up the phone.
I stood there on the curb for a moment, stuffing my phone in my purse and trying to push down the nerves in my chest. Going with the flow was not something that has ever been in my vocabulary, and I had no idea how I was supposed to just magically start doing it right then and there. I shook my head and went inside of Aggie’s, trying to focus on what I had to do that day, which included facing Caspian and hoping for a good reaction from him. My mind was so preoccupied that I ordered my breakfast and coffee and completely forgot to ask Caspian if he wanted something. I got in the car and drove off, realizing that my head was so far in the clouds that I wasn’t going to be able to teach Bella if I kept it up.
I pulled up to the house and swallowed hard as I walked inside, but surprisingly, I was greeted with a kiss on the cheek and a warm welcome. My nerves began to slowly melt away with the smile plastered across Caspian’s face. Maybe Jessa was right. Maybe I was overthinking this like everything else in my life.
“She is waiting for you,” he said. “And so was I.”
I smiled and blushed and made my way back to the office, seeing Bella sitting quietly in the chair by the desk. As soon as she saw me, she straightened up and took a deep breath. I kept my giggle to myself, finding her seriousness completely adorable.
“I have something to show you,” she said seriously.
“Wonderful, what is it?”
I stood there and watched as she cleared her throat and counted from one to twenty without the slightest bit of hesitation. When she was done, she looked at me with more pride than I had ever seen her have before. I put my things down and began to clap, smiling big and shaking my head in awe. Bella was so incredibly intelligent that I was starting to think she would quickly outgrow me before I did her. Whenever she struggled with something, she worked even harder to figure things out and make it happen. I had never met a five-year-old with that much reasoning in their little brain. I walked around the desk and picked her up, squeezing her tightly in my arms. I adored Bella so very much, and with that realization, my heart sank just a little bit. That was something I hadn’t taken into account when thinking about any kind of future with Caspian.
What would happen if we did start to seriously see each other and things didn’t work out? Not only would I lose Caspian, but I would lose Bella, too, something that almost felt like it would be worse than the break-up itself. This little girl had obviously lost her mother in one way or another, and then I was possibly putting her in the position of losing someone else that cared about her deeply. I knew it wasn’t normal to think about the end of a relationship, even before it had started, but I had never felt that way about someone. I’d never had the chemistry I had with Caspian or felt the way I did about a child of the man I was thinking about dating. In fact, I had never been with a man that had a child, so all of this was incredibly new to me.
I put Bella back down on the floor and pushed the thoughts as far away as I possibly could. I needed to continue with the lessons for the day and show Caspian that I could still teach his daughter, even with something else going on. We went through the lessons for the morning really easily, and I decided to throw in the next ten numbers on the number line just to see how she would do. When it was time for lunch, Caspian came to get us, looking happier and more cheerful than I had seen him.
“I’m cooking some burgers on the grill.” He smiled. “I had leftovers from yesterday.”
“Sounds amazing.” I smiled.
“You like cheese on your burger?”
“Yes, please,” I said sweetly, putting the files in the bag.
“Perfect, come meet us on the deck,” he said, tapping the door frame and walking away.
I smiled and shook my head, feeling like everything was going exactly how I wanted. But now, I was completely confused by it all. I walked out and stood in the living room, watching Caspian at the grill, dancing around with his spatula. I covered my mouth and giggled, and at that moment, I decided that even if it were just for the day, I was going to go with the flow. I didn’t want to miss out on the amazing mood that Caspian was in, especially since it was seeping over to Bella as well. She was standing on the deck dancing along with him, and there was absolutely no music playing.
I grabbed some plates, silverware, and napkins and brought them out to the deck, setting the table. I pulled the leftovers out of the fridge from the day before and set them out, smiling as Caspian turned around with the burgers. We all sat around the table and filled our plates, not caring about the time, the lessons, or anything else that was going on in our lives at that moment. We talked about life, about travel, about all the things that Caspian had done in his life. It was an amazing afternoon, and by the time we started to clean up, Bella had wandered inside and fallen asleep on the couch.
“Should I wake her?” I asked.
“Nah, let her sleep,” he said, leaning over and kissing my lips. “I’m going to clean up, but I want you to take a beer from the fridge and go sit on the deck. You deserve to relax for a little while.”
“I like this,” I said, smiling, taking a beer out of the fridge and handing it to him to open.
He popped the top off the lid with the opener on the counter and pulled it close to him, leaning forward and pursing his lips. I smiled and leaned in, kissing him firmly, leaning into it and feeling the emotion behind it. When I pulled away, I was almost out of breath, and he stared at me with surprise, showing me he was feeling the exact same thing. He shivered and smiled, leaning his head back and chuckling.
“Go relax,” he said, swatting me on the butt.
I turned and walked outside, stopping for a second to put the blanket carefully over Bella. When I walked back outside, I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of sea air, remembering for a second why I came to Ma
ine in the first place. I wanted a chance at life somewhere I could do what I loved, meet someone with common interests, and try to enjoy life for once. I had been able to escape the city, something that even Jessa thought I would never do. I had defied every instinct I had and turned down job offers at schools in the city. I wanted more than just money. I wanted quality of life, quality that I knew that I could find in Blue Hill.
I sat down in the chair on the deck and leaned back, closing my eyes and listening to the waves crash against the shore. The birds flying above squawked loudly, and I smiled, thinking about how I used to sit on my grandparent’s deck for hours when I was younger, happy to escape the stress of my parents’ disconnection.
Caspian had been amazing, cooking the most delicious burgers, opening up our conversation line, and never once making me feel uncomfortable or awkward about what happened the night before. I could definitely get used to this kind of life and spending this time with a man like Caspian and a little girl that stole my heart every time she looked at me with her father’s eyes. If I was in trouble, I didn’t care one bit in that moment.
10
Caspian
When Lacey got to my house that Tuesday morning, I was more than ready to get out and clear my head. The day before had been fun, carefree, amazing even, but I wasn’t sure if it was right. No matter how much I didn’t want Lacey to leave the day before, and no matter how impatient I was that morning to see her when she arrived for tutoring, my head was completely screwed up. I waited until they went to the office before throwing on some flip flops and heading out to the beach. This section of the beach was mainly deserted, used mostly for private residence and only getting busy on holidays like Independence Day and Memorial Day. It was why I bought that specific house. It was far enough off the beaten path to escape the tourism of the area, but still on the water, where Isabella and I were born to be. It also provided the perfect thinking path for walking when things got heavy in life.
My father used to tell me that there wasn’t anything that couldn’t be solved if you took your problems to the sea. So far, he had been right about that, but at the same time, the ocean had taken more than just my problems with it. That day, though, my thoughts were swimming between memories of the past, a love lost, and a new love that I wasn’t sure had come at the right time for me. The other night had been amazing, and I had felt things physically and emotionally that I had never experienced before. Everything about Lacey was tantalizing, all encompassing, and I was engrossed by her every single time that she came around. I had this incredible urge to be with her sexually and otherwise, but I wasn’t sure that it was the right move.
The war raging inside of my brain was complicated and aided by the ghost of my deceased wife that I had allowed to linger with me for the last two years. The truth was, I still missed her terribly, and I was pretty sure that I would miss her for the rest of my life, no matter who I had in it. That longing for someone that I would absolutely never see again made it really difficult to bring anyone new into a relationship. It was hard on me, yes, but it was unfair to the other person, too. I could only imagine what it would feel like to constantly be the second choice, one that wouldn’t be chosen if my wife were still alive. I could never be that second choice, and I didn’t know if I could make Lacey my second choice, even though my feelings for her were completely different than those I had for Isabella. It was a lot of baggage to bring into any new relationship, too much actually.
I didn’t even really understand what Lacey and I were. We had slept together, there was incredible chemistry between us, and everything felt natural when we were together, but titles and labels hadn’t been discussed. Ten years ago, I would have laughed at the battle going on in my brain, telling myself to just go with the flow and see where it leads me, but things were different now. Not only did I have Bella to think about, I had the responsibility to think about Lacey’s feelings as well, something that Isabella had taught me in her short time on earth. She always cared for everyone else and truly felt that if your intentions weren’t one hundred percent honorable in every way, you owed it to the other person to protect them from that. But how do you do that in this situation without letting the other person go?
I threw a seashell into the water and sighed, feeling almost more confused now than I did before I left. There wasn’t anyone who could solve this for me. It was a problem that involved me fighting myself. Still, I needed to breathe and think, and I knew that a day at my mother’s house would help me do that. It always did. I walked slowly down the beach back to the house and rinsed my feet off when I reached the deck. I stood there staring out at the ocean, not even clear where the sky started and the ocean ended anymore. I turned and walked in the house, smiling sweetly at Lacey who was grabbing something from the kitchen.
“Hey,” I said, catching her before she went back. “Go ahead and finish up the lesson you are on, and then you can leave early.”
“But I’ve only been here an hour,” she replied with confusion. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, I just thought that Bella deserved a little time off since she worked so hard on counting from one to twenty. She is very unique in the fact that when she messes something up, she works really hard to fix it.” I was unsure if I was talking about Bella or myself.
“Alright,” she said carefully. “We are almost done, then, and I will go home for the day.”
Lacey went back to the room and finished up her lesson for the day. I could hear Bella counting out her numbers, but when she reached twenty, she didn’t stop, counting all the way to twenty-six before having any kind of issue. I was really impressed by it. There was no question of the fact that Lacey was an amazing teacher and really good with Bella, which made all of this so much more confusing. While I felt that Bella needed Lacey, or someone like that in her life, I was also scared of her getting hurt if things didn’t work out between the two of us. I had a responsibility to protect her above all others, but did that mean I needed to stay single until she was an adult?
“So, we are good,” Lacey said, walking around the corner. “She is all ready for you.”
“Thanks,” I said with a fake grin.
“Are you sure you are okay?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, just a lot on my mind today.”
“Okay,” she said, walking toward the door. “You know, if you ever need to talk, I’ve been told I’m a really good listener.”
I nodded at her sweetly and watched as she walked out of the house. Why did it feel so bad to watch her leave like that? Maybe it was because I cared about her so much and actually did feel bad for hurting her in any way.
“Hi, Daddy,” Bella said behind me.
“Hey, sweetie,” I replied, bending over to her. “How would you feel about a little trip to go visit Grandma Betty?”
“Yes,” she said, pumping her fist.
“Awesome.” I chuckled. “Go get your shoes on.”
My mom didn’t live that far away from us, but I really did enjoy the drive over there. The sun was shining brightly, the waves were perfect, if I still surfed, and it felt like a carefree summer afternoon. Bella smiled and giggled as the wind hit her in the face from her open window. I always love the seasons in Maine. They were just so normal and perfect for the type of person I was. When we pulled up in the driveway to surprise my mom, she was out in the yard pulling the weeds in the front area. That was the job I had as a teenager, to keep her flower beds beautiful and weed free. To this day, I refused to plant anything but grasses and gravel so that I didn’t have to pull weeds.
I opened our car doors and watched Bella run across the yard and jump into my mom’s arms. I could see them talking and laughing, but I knew my mom would be curious as to why we were there. I didn’t want to talk about my problems. I just wanted to be in a comfortable, neutral place where I could relax and let things go. I walked up to my mom and kissed her on the cheek.
“I thought that Bella would be at tutoring with Lacey this afternoo
n,” she said curiously.
“Yeah, they have been working so dang hard that I wanted to give them a day off from the grind of it,” I said. “I mean, it is technically Bella’s summer vacation, and she learned all the way through the number twenty-six, so she deserved to take it easy today.”
“Mm hmm,” she said, raising one eyebrow.
“Please don’t,” I said, putting up my hand. “Just take it as a day to spend with your son and your granddaughter, and don’t read into it.”
“Alright,” she said, smiling and patting me on the shoulder. “Besides, how can I complain with that little cutie? Bella, how about some lunch?”
“I’m starving,” she said like a grown up, making us laugh.
“Me too,” I said, smiling.
I was glad that my mother didn’t push me any further to talk about it, even though she knew there was something up. She had been a tough mom sometimes, but she was always respectful of my boundaries and knew that if I wanted to talk, she would be the first one I went to. That had been a great source of comfort for me over the years, especially since my father had died at a very important time in a man’s life. She told me from the get go that she wouldn’t always have the answers that my father would have had, but that she would always have a non-emotion based response for me. She wanted me to know that she would give me the best possible advice, which turned out to not always be the easiest solution to a problem. From that, I learned that life was difficult and there were easy ways and not-so-easy ways around an issue, and that a lot of times, the easy way was not the best solution.
For me, knowing what to do with Lacey didn’t seem to have an easy solution. It only seemed to have a hard and even harder solution. I knew I should be looking at what was best, but there was something inside of me that was refusing to see the reality of it all. For just a few moments over the last couple of days, I actually felt like a human being again. There had been moments where the pain of the last couple of years had been lifted off my chest, and I liked how that felt. It was almost easy to get lost in that feeling, and who could blame me?