by J. Saman
“No thanks,” I say, hoping I portray a confidence I don’t feel as I move to brush past them.
“We weren’t asking,” the one with dark hair, dark skin and golden eyes says. “Sit.” It’s a command and the look in their eyes says not to mess with them. That in doing so, I may be risking my life. Maybe I’m overdramatizing this, but I doubt it and their hard-nosed, authoritarian, all business yet perfectly casual stance and expressions tell me that I’m right.
I sit down.
“Wise decision.” They sit too. To any onlookers, we might portray the image of grad students and friends. However, there is nothing friendly about this little impromptu meeting.
“How long did it take you to hack into the federal government’s mainframe?”
Oh shit.
Neither of them have offered a name or any identification, but they are the type of men who don’t have to. Their intimidating presence and irrefutable knowledge imply they’re government.
And once again, I’m screwed.
I don’t even bother denying it.
“Did you really think that a smashed computer and hard drive would be enough to cover your tracks?”
Yes, yes I did. Motherfucker!
“You’re good, Luke,” the dark-hair guy says. “Very good. And it took us a solid four weeks to find you.”
“But we did find you,” the other guy adds like it wasn’t glaringly obvious.
“I have a lawyer and nothing to say,” my voice is surprisingly even, given the workout my heart is getting right now.
“You do have a lawyer, but he won’t be able to get the file he wants from the FBI,” the blond laughs. “Well, that’s not entirely true. He’s going to get the one that says you were arrested for hacking into the bank. That’s the one we’re making public. But your other crimes? You will not be set in front of a judge for those.”
“What the fuck?” I bark out.
That’s not even legal. Is it?
“We’ve been watching you,” he goes on, ignoring my outburst. “Monitoring your activity. We tipped off the FBI about your final challenge in the ring. We had them lined up and waiting, and they arrested you for the bank infiltration on our order, but we’re not interested in that. And though you may have a lawyer, you’re looking at a lengthy prison stay.”
Whoever these guys are, they know I hacked the government and got me arrested for some other charge so they’d have leverage against me.
Blackmail.
That’s what this is.
Entrapment.
Another good word.
I swallow hard. This is the part of the game where they play let’s make a deal, except this is not a game and there is no deal.
“So what do you want?” I need to get to the punchline here before I have a stroke.
One guy slips me a white business card with a handwritten address on it and nothing else.
“We’ll see you there at three p.m. today. If you tell anyone, we’ll know, so don’t.” They stand up in unison and leave without saying anything further.
I stare at the card and then to where they just left.
Then it hits me hard, like a truck being slammed into my chest.
They’ve got me, and they know it.
And just like that . . . I’m done.
20
Luke
* * *
“What the bloody hell did you do?”
“Oh, come on, you’ll love it.”
“Rack off, I’m not doing it. I’m going to chunder everywhere if you get me in that thing.”
“You do realize I only caught about every other word, right?”
Ivy sighs, but she doesn’t look any more relaxed as I pull her up to Seattle’s Great Wheel. Truth be told, in all the years I’ve lived here, I’ve never done it, but I want to do lame touristy things with her so she’ll want to come back after her year away.
It’s a pathetic attempt at best. I get that. Fully even, but what the hell, right? Could be fun.
“Now is not the time to make fun of my accent. I don’t like heights. That American enough for you?”
“You’re locked in there, Ivy.” She throws me a look that tells me that didn’t help my cause. “Come on,” I pull on her hand. “We can make out the entire time. It’s beautiful up there. Or so I’m told.”
“Luke?” She chews on the corner of her mouth. “Can’t we just go eat or do something else?”
“Come on, baby. Live a little. I promise, I won’t let anything happen to you.”
Ivy’s wooden posture relaxes a fraction, and she gives me the slightest of nods.
I got back from my ‘business trip’ a few days ago. At first, Ivy was distant with me—probably because I didn’t call or text her almost the entire time I was gone. That, and two days ended up being four. She never once asked me about the trip. Not even a simple question. That threw me off. I was expecting an onslaught after Ryan filled me on her little drunken night with Claire and Kate, but instead I got nothing.
Her silence is far more disconcerting than the idea of the onslaught.
But the simple fact is, I missed her.
I missed her to the point of near insanity. During that brief hiatus from her, I realized I’m doomed.
I’ve never experienced this sort of paradox before. There’s so much internal strife and conflict, I’m arguing with myself no matter what position I take.
I want to keep this going. I want to be with her and try the whole long-distance relationship thing. A real relationship.
But I don’t want to tell her about my past. I don’t want to tell her about my family. And I can’t tell her what I was really doing when I said I was in New York. That last part is non-negotiable, and I assume secrets aren’t the best thing for a relationship.
And what I was actually doing could endanger her life if my identity were discovered.
See my dilemma here?
That, and there’s the whole issue of me not being good enough for her. Nowhere even fucking close.
The second they lock us in our little space bubble and we sit on the bench seat, she starts to shake.
Shit. I didn’t think she was really that serious about the heights thing.
“You’ll be fine.” I wrap my arms around her, holding her close to me and kissing the spot on her neck just above her collarbone. “I promise to feed you after.”
“If I sick up, it’s on you. Literally.”
I can’t help but laugh at that. “Would it help if I gave you an orgasm while we were in here? You know, to help you relax.”
She’s smiling a little now as she elbows me in the ribs. “How will I ever survive without you?” Ivy muses, but I freeze and so does she. Suddenly, this small pod we find ourselves in is suffocating.
I’ve been putting this off, and Ivy’s been avoiding it as well, but I wonder if being stuck in here for however long this thing takes is not a perfect time to bring it up.
Today is Thursday. She leaves on Wednesday, and we haven’t said a word about that.
But, screw it.
“When you leave next week, is that it?”
Ivy looks down at her hands that are folded neatly in her lap. “How can it not be?”
“Do you even want to talk about it? I mean, it’s only a year, and it’s Boston, not Australia.”
She shrugs, looking out the window as we start to move, but evidently, she thinks better of that and turns back to her hands.
“Are you saying you want to do that?”
There is so much freaking hope in her voice that my chest clenches at the same time my gut sinks. I inwardly sigh. Why did I bring this up? Can I go back in time thirty seconds and retract my question?
“Maybe.”
Ivy laughs humorlessly. “Maybe, huh? Wow, that’s glowing. Seriously, I’m overwhelmed by your enthusiasm.”
I cup her cheek, tilting her head up until her fathomless eyes meet mine.
“What would you say if I told you that I love you?”
Her eyes grow wide. “Are we speaking in hypotheticals here, or is this an actual declaration?”
“I love you, Ivy,” I smile softly, my eyes eating her up. “I do. I tried not to. I swear I did, so you can’t be mad at me about that.”
“I think I love you too,” she says, and I smile so big I’m sure all of my teeth are showing.
“You think?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe?”
“Possibly.”
“Possibly?”
She’s laughing now and so am I. My lips find hers and we kiss like two people in love as we go up in the damn Big Wheel with the city and water sprawling all around us. It would be one of those idyllic moments. You know, the type they write into cheesy movies.
But the harsh reality is that it’s not.
The harsh reality is that even though I want this with her, can I really be that selfish?
“Ivy,” I breathe against her. She looks up at me with sparkling eyes, and in this moment, this very freaking moment, I realize I can’t do it. I can’t destroy her life. The life I know she’s desperate for. The life her sister Sophia reminded me that she deserves.
She deserves the world, and that’s not something I can offer.
My heart cracks wide open in my chest. I’m bleeding out, and there is nothing she can do to stop it. The pain is unreal, and I’m so very tempted to thrust everything in my life aside and keep her. So very tempted. But how far could we really get that way? How long could we last until she started asking questions and demanding answers that I am incapable of giving?
How long until I make this a million times worse?
Because the simple truth is, I can’t give her what she wants. And the longer I let this continue, the more I’ll hurt her, and if I do that, I’ll never be able to live with myself.
“This is all well and good, but there is a very real chance that after my fellowship I won’t be returning to Seattle.”
Is she giving me an out? It sounds like she is. I should take it, right? I should grab hold of it with both hands.
“My company is here in Seattle. I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon.”
“I could always try and come back. I mean, I went to medical school, did my entire residency, and most of my fellowship here. They know me. I could probably secure a position.”
She sounds so optimistic, and I’m about to obliterate that in three, two, one…
“Ivy, honey, I’m sorry,” I say, swallowing down weight of overpowering guilt and fucking despair, knowing that what I’m doing is for her own good in the end.
“For?” she prompts, suddenly nervous, seemingly able to read the change in my disposition.
I can’t be with you. This will never work. “For not being in touch while I was away,” I say instead.
She sighs, exhaustion from a day of working and my unexplained absence making themselves known. Ivy leans into me, silently watching us glide through the world around us.
“I have a lot going on in my life right now, Luke. You made sure to see me almost every day all these weeks. Made your thoughts and feelings for me known every chance you had, and then you disappeared without an explanation. It wasn’t even like you told me that you weren’t going to be able to stay in touch. You didn’t. You just left, and that was it. Maybe it seems ridiculous to expect more given our situation, but I did expect it.” Ivy finally fixes her attention on me. “And I know there’s a lot you’re hiding from me. A lot you never intend to tell me?” That last one is a question, and it’s asking so much more than the simple one she poses.
“I can’t.”
Her eyes close slowly like she was afraid that was going to be my answer.
“I love you, Luke, but I don’t think I trust you.”
Wow, that may have just killed me.
“I know I’ve given you no reason to trust me, Ivy, but I care so much about you. So much and I don’t want to lose you again.”
I need to shut up now. I can’t even stop the contradictions.
She shakes her head back and forth. “Were you in New York?”
“Yes and no.”
“Is what you’re doing illegal?”
“Not technically.”
When she opens her eyes, they’re glassy with her unshed tears as she stares at me, patiently hoping I’ll change my answer and open up to her the way she needs me to. The way I have no intention of doing. Finally, when I don’t offer her what she’s searching for, she folds into herself and I know what’s coming.
And all I can do is let it happen, because this is the way it’s supposed to be.
“I don’t expect a free pass into your life, but what you give me is so superficial. What you give me is the bare minimum. I know you, yet I don’t know you at all. You’re asking if this is ending when I leave? You’re hinting that you don’t want it to, but I want a real relationship and I don’t think you can give me that, can you?”
I shake my head, my gut twisting with the regret that chokes me.
“I want you. And I want to be with you. I really do, but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to keep you and give you what you’re looking for. I’ve done things. Things you know nothing of, but even if I were interested in telling you, and you decided to stay with me by some miracle—which you wouldn’t—there will always be the other thing. There will always be the very real, dark, and looming presence that I’m forever beholden to. And that I can’t change, even if I wanted to. I get how sinister and cryptic that all sounds, but that’s probably because it is.”
Those tears that were threatening finally spill over, flowing down her cheeks.
“Those phone calls you take?”
I nod. “They’re the tip of the iceberg.”
“I don’t know how to be in a relationship based on secrets and half-truths. I don’t need all the details. I don’t. I just need something real.”
She’s pleading. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.
This is a hopeless situation. And continuing to straddle the line between loving Ivy and my inability to be forthcoming is only going to destroy us both. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but eventually it will catch up to us. Eventually, it will end us.
Is it better to do this now and save us both future agony, or do I string her along knowing that we’ll never be what she wants us to be? I’ve had this life going for as long as I can remember, and I don’t know how to change that.
Fuck that, I can’t change it.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell me I’m not imagining the worst possible scenarios then.”
“I can’t.”
“Fuck you,” she snaps, hitting me hard in the shoulder. “I resisted you. I pushed you away from the very start, and you were relentless. You pursued me.”
“I know. I don’t even have a good defense, like I tried to stay away or something. I wanted you, and I went after you.”
“You selfish bastard. I tried to end this time and time again, knowing that it was leading to heartbreak. But you kept telling me it was fun. You kept convincing me that all would end well. And then you did the worst thing of all, you gave me reason to hope it would never end.”
I cover my nose and mouth with my hands, breathing through my palms in ragged torrents, trying to clear my thoughts. She’s right. I did that. I am a selfish bastard. I knew the progression of her feelings every step of the way and I did nothing to abate them. I encouraged them because they were the same as my own, and I wanted those fucking feelings of hers dammit.
“I’m so sorry, Ivy.”
Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are bright with her sudden fury.
“Then give me a reason to do this, more than just you love me. Is there a chance at a real future here? I don’t mean to put that sort of pressure on you, on us, after this short amount of time, but you’re telling me that you love me and I love you back—and that makes me think of forever.”
I drop my
head into my hands, my elbows on my parted thighs. I have a million reasons for us to try. A million. But none of them are good for her. None of them will work, because it means her life with me will be at risk. It means her life with me will be as she said—superficial.
It means this angel will be with the worst sort of devil.
How could I marry her or give her my babies?
I can’t offer her the forever she desires until I work everything out, and I don’t know when or if I can even do that.
“I love you.” It’s all I have left, and it’s not nearly enough.
“Then trust me.”
“It’s not a matter of that, not fully anyway, and I think you know that.”
She pulls away, wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach, watching the rain that just started, running down the glass the same way her tears fall against her cheeks.
She’s so beautiful. So absolutely exquisite.
And she has me. I’m hers. But she cannot be mine.
She’s the woman of my dreams, and I’m throwing her away.
It’s all me. I know this, and I’m helpless to stop it, despite how desperate I am for her.
“Do you know what hurts the most about this?” she asks softly, her voice so full of emotion that all I want to do is hold her in my arms and never let go. Promise her anything she needs. Give her everything.
“What, baby?”
She gusts out a half-laugh. “We could have been so amazing. I felt it almost instantly. That night ten years ago, that night at the party, the morning you showed up at my flat, every second of it.” Her eyes find mine, and the pain I see in them is more than I can handle. “We could have been epic, Luke. The couple everyone was jealous of. A year would have been nothing compared to the forever.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s not because I don’t want that. Please,” I practically beg. “You have to know that. I want you, Ivy. I want to be with you.” I reach for her hand and she lets me take it into mine.
She nods like she’s considering this, and it just makes me frantic to think of a way to be with her. To make this work.
Do I want my life for her? It’s not like I’m asking her something easy. It would be lies and half-truths, just as she said, and then there’s my past. Fuck, how could I ever tell her about that? She’d leave me for sure. I know she would. How could she not?