by J. Saman
Seriously? He did that? He really is the ultimate stalker. I mean, he wasn’t pounding on my door and demanding that I open it before he breaks it down like Jason used to, but still.
“I didn’t even intend to go to your place,” he continues. “I swear I didn’t. I was just out on one of my late-night walks, and without conscious thought, I found myself at your building. I was going to leave before the sun came up, but then I saw you.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you, Luke. I’m not fleeing the country or anything. I just . . . I need space and time to think this through. And your stalking really knows no bounds.”
He nods, fully aware of just how wrong that all was. “I don’t know what to say to you. Part of me knows that I need to let you go because you’re better off without me, but I love you so much that every time I try to imagine my life without you, I just can’t.”
My eyes cinch shut, trying to keep back the scalding tears threatening to fall.
“I understand you need your sister, and I’m sorry for doing this in the middle of the airport. Go, and if by some miracle you decide you need me even half as much as I need you, I’m here waiting.”
“I know,” I laugh. “You’re always lurking about, aren’t you?”
“I am. But in a totally non-threatening way.”
He laughs, squeezing my body to his and inhaling deeply like he can’t get enough of me. Can’t get close enough to me. It drives me wild when he does that, and my body shivers involuntarily. His laugh dies in his throat, turning into a groan.
“You need to stop that, or I’ll have to pull you into a room for a cavity search. I’m dying for you, baby, and you shivering against me like that isn’t helping. You have no idea how sexy that is.”
It’s impossible to be in Luke’s arms and not feel the same way about him.
His warm, muscular, masculine, body presses against me. His smell is like home, familiar and safe, yet at the same time so incredibly sexy and seductive. It’s a heady mix that suddenly has me clinging to him, unwilling to let him go.
“Ivy?”
The question in his voice is so loaded. It’s asking so many things that the three simple letters in my name can’t even begin to hold them all.
I don’t respond, mostly because I’m so bewildered that I can’t make heads from tails.
I love Luke, so very much. And I want him, so very much.
And yet, I feel stuck in this chasm between so many possibilities and nothingness.
Luke pulls back, studying my face, a smirk twisting his lips. “Will you go on a date with me tomorrow night?”
I snort out an incredulous laugh. “Sorry?”
“A date. We never really did that, and it’s been a long time since we’ve spent any real one-on-one time together. I’ve placed a lot of pressure on this, considering the small amount of time we’ve actually spent together. So how about a date?” The lopsided grin he’s giving me with that damn irresistible dimple. The mischievous glint in his eyes. I’m so done for. “Come on, you know you want to.”
I laugh despite myself. “Okay, I’ll go on a date with you.”
“Awesome,” he smiles wide. “Now, you have a plane to catch.” He takes my hand and leads me back to the security area and of course, there’s a huge line now.
I groan, “I’ll never make it.”
Luke winks at me. “Of course, you will, baby.” He pulls me past the line right up to the scanning machine and over to a TSA agent. “I’m taking her to the gate. She’s been cleared,” he says, sounding so official I almost want to laugh like it’s some joke and they’ll kick us right to the back of the line. But he flashes that badge again and the agent waves us through without being screened or questioned.
“What is that thing?”
He grins at me. “It’s confidential.” I roll my eyes, and he laughs. “Seriously, though,” he says holding my hand and leading me through the terminal to my gate. “Go see Sophia. Think about everything I told you last night. Get some sun and vitamin D. I hear that shit is important.” He winks at me again. “You’ve been living in Seattle too long.”
I laugh, nudging him with my hip. “I’ve actually been in Boston, but that’s not a whole lot better. Are you saying I’m pale?”
“Yes.” He laughs when he sees my frown and then kisses my temple. “But I love you pale, so it doesn’t matter.” Luke slings his arm around my waist, pulling me into his side. “Actually, I just love you, so thanks for agreeing to the date.”
We stop in front of my gate, and my flight has just started boarding.
“Not loving each other isn’t the issue. It’s all the rest of the stuff I need to learn to accept or understand or live with, or whatever I’m supposed to do with it.”
Luke wraps his arms around me again, leaning his forehead to mine.
“The stuff with my father I cannot change. That’s something I will always have to live with. But for the last ten years that I’ve been involved in the other stuff, not once has my daily life actually been threatened. I’ve never had someone trying to hunt me down or come after me, unless I was on the job. I can’t lie about that. But that’s changed now. I’m very good at what I do, Ivy, and I take steps to keep my world as safe as I can.” His hands come up to cup my face as he stares intently into my eyes. “And I would die before I’d let anything happen to you. It’s not as horrible as it sounds. I swear.”
I lean up, pressing my lips to his, and it feels so right that my whole body seems to come alive. This is different from the kisses he’s given me out of desperation or passion. I’m the one making this choice and in doing it, I know there is no going back for me.
I’m his, and he’s mine. I just have to come to terms with the rest of it.
Can it really be that simple?
33
Ivy
* * *
The beach that directly abuts my sister’s condo is glorious, especially in the morning sun. Large waves are crashing against the shore as seagulls fly high in the air, squawking their delight. There are even a few surfers out there taking advantage of the swells.
I miss beaches like this. Where it’s warm and bright and you can actually go in the water. I spent a great deal of my time here while I was at Caltech.
It’s hard to believe that it’s only a little after ten in the morning and I’m sitting here, considering where I started this morning.
I spent the entire flight down thinking about what Luke had said.
Not just from last night, but this morning as well. I believe him when he says no one has come after him. I mean, I have no idea what he’s doing exactly, and I’m sure it’s serious stuff, but I doubt hitmen—or whatever these people might be called—are standing outside his building waiting to pounce.
I’m sure there’s a large dangerous component to his life, hence the secretive nature of it, but as he said, no one has come after him yet. That, and he told me he’s taken measures to scale this all back, so really, it’s sort of a non-issue, right?
Did I just rationalize all of that away? I think I might have.
I don’t exactly love the whole leaving at a moment’s notice and having no clue as to where he is or if he’s safe. That part is unsettling as hell, but maybe that’s something you adapt to. Something you grow to look past and accept as part of life.
I’ve already accepted what he did as a teenager, so really, what’s my hang up?
It’s the gravity of everything combined, I think. And not just his history or the complicated world he’s still mixed up in.
I came home, saw him, and then he instantly pursued me. Again. He maintains that he came out to Boston on a few separate occasions, but was still restricted by the same obstacles that instigated him to push me away in the first place.
So dating him after all of this? Is it even possible to take so many steps back and give a go at starting over?
Nothing is ever simple, is it?
Though it really does seem to be that way for other pe
ople.
I’m sure every relationship has its hardships and challenges, but these seem almost impregnable. They nearly were, and I don’t know how to process all of that.
Dropping back into the warm sand, I close my eyes, facing up to the radiant warmth of the heavens while absorbing the sounds of nature around me. It’s tranquil and calming, and I understand fully why people pay a large fortune to live in places like this.
“You’ll get sand critters in your hair that way, doll,” Sophia says from behind me as she comes up to join me.
“Good. I’m hoping they’ll burrow into my brain. If I’m really lucky, they’ll be the flesh-eating sort, and I won’t have to think ever again.”
“There’s my upbeat girl,” she says, sitting beside me with her knees bent, leaning back with her hands in the sand near my head. “I take it this isn’t just a friendly visit?”
“I love you, Soph.”
“Ah, this is serious. I’d bet big bickies this has to do with your bloke.”
I can only sigh. Suddenly I’m exhausted. The lack of sleep and perpetual overdrive my brain is on with all of this is wearing me down. “He told you about his past, yeah?”
I shoot upright, but when my face is next to hers, I can only stare at the knowing, unapologetic look in my sister’s beautiful eyes.
“You knew?”
“Yes, of course, I knew. Don’t scowl at me; you’ll get wrinkles. It’s part of what I do. I investigate and probe into people’s lives, and when my wee little sister tells me that she’s mad over some bloke, I dig.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I ask, my voice reflecting the depth of my chafe. I’m not entirely sure I have a reason to be hurt by her withholding, but I am. No, screw that, I have a bloody reason. She’s my sister.
“Because you were in love with him, and I was afraid the truth would scare you off from that. Especially coming from me. And I did urge him to tell you, so when he ended things without doing so, I figured it was for the best and you didn’t need to know anything else.”
“Ah, Soph.” I drop back into the sand, raising my forearm over my eyebrows to shield my eyes from the penetrating California sun.
“Don’t, Ah Soph, me. There was no bloody way I could tell you that story, so ease up. You can hardly blame the wanker for holding that one back from you, though I think he did right.”
“You do?”
“Of course I do,” she says in earnest. “That father was bad news. A drunk, a gambler, a child and wife beater, and was steadily working himself up to molester. Scum like that deserve what they get, and according the court documents, Luke wasn’t going to do the deed when it came down to it.”
“How do you get that information?” I’m stupefied right now. My sister—much like everyone else, I’m quickly learning—isn’t who she appears to be.
“Information is absurdly easy to procure if you know the right people and have the money to do it. I work in Hollywood, luv bug, so don’t play Connie Coy with me. You know very well what I do.” Sophia leans back into the sand, propped up on her elbows, staring out into the azure waters of the Pacific.
“So, you don’t think the whole government covert piece is an issue either?”
Her bleach blonde curls whip in my direction. “Come again?”
I grin at her, bouncing my eyebrows. “Apparently, your informants are slacking, and you don’t know as much as you think.” Sophia frowns, narrowing her bespectacled eyes. “And I can’t talk about it. But yeah, he’s involved in something much larger than his regular nine-to-five.”
“Oh, I love this man,” she laughs lightly. “You need to marry him straight off. Seriously, Ivy girl, nothing will ever be boring with him.”
“I like boring.”
“I know, but you like him more.”
And that’s it, isn’t it?
The crux of everything.
I like Luke more.
Amazing how a simple statement like that can settle something so convoluted.
“Yes, I think I bloody well do.”
“Then stop all this nonsense. You’ve always been a chronic overthinker, Ivy girl, and that’s as dangerous as it gets. Sometimes things don’t require further analysis. You love him, he loves you, so just get over yourselves already.”
Laughing, I reach over and grab my sister, pulling her down on top of me and sinking us deeper into the sand.
She’s laughing too, but she’s also fighting, pushing me away and attempting to bury my face in the sand at the same time. We must look insane to any passersby, but I don’t care, and neither does she.
“What if he hurts me again?” I ask when we’re both breathless and our laughter is starting to subside.
“Then you tell me and I have him taken care of. You never even have to be involved.”
I roll my eyes. “Hold back there, Hollywood Homicide. You sound eerily serious. While I appreciate your loyalty, that may be taking it a bit too far.”
“Suit yourself there, doll, but if that bloke messes you about again, and just so happens to disappear, I wouldn’t go around asking too many questions.” She holds her hands up in surrender. “That’s all I’m saying.”
“But you think I should give him another go?”
She chews on the corner of her permanently stained red lip, staring out at the surfers in the distance. “Tell me true blue here, Ivy. Do you love him? Do you think he’s really going to give you the toss again, or is he wanting a ring and babies in whatever order that may come in?”
“I think the latter.”
“And you love him? I mean, I know he’s tasty as sin and could probably make a lifelong lesbian such as myself rethink things, but he’s the real deal for you?”
I laugh, leaning my head on her shoulder. “Yeah. I love him.”
“Then I say go for it, and if he’s daft enough to hurt you, then he’ll have me to answer to. And probably your mate, Claire, too, because she adores you.”
“Thanks, Soph. You’re the bestest big sister I know.”
“Right?” She grins, looking at me. “I wish I could commiserate with you here on the way men ruin lives, but I can’t. Women are so much easier to manage and tend not to have clandestine, top secret, murderous pasts.”
“Thanks so much for that,” I say sarcastically. “No really, that’s so very helpful.”
“Aww, you always were way too serious.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“Let’s just say I go with the flow much more often than you do, and I am happier for it.”
“Touché, my love.”
Sophia leans over and kisses my temple. “Go home, Ivy girl. It’s time you face this nonsense straight on.”
“I will,” I smile. “After lunch.”
Sophia takes me out in Hollywood to one of her ‘hotspots.’ It’s really just another restaurant with overpriced, mediocre food, outdoor seating and a lot of paparazzi hanging about. When I went to Caltech, I rarely came into this area unless I was visiting Sophia.
This world is not for me.
I eat my twenty-five-dollar salad that was little more than grass clippings on a plate with goat cheese, and as we’re rounding the corner, heading back to her car, I slam into a tall, hard body that knocks me to the ground on my bum with a heavy oomph.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” someone says, and as I lift my head to see who it is, my mouth drops open, and I freeze on the ground in the middle of the sidewalk.
“Ivy?” he asks, just as shocked as I am and if this were any other ex from my past, I’d get up, give them a hug and a hello. But it’s not just any ex; it’s Jason, my stalker.
I’m too stunned, and frankly a little scared, to respond.
Sophia hoists me back up, because apparently my legs refuse to work as well. “Keep on moving, Jason,” Sophia says with a warning.
“Relax, Sophia,” he puffs out slightly aggravated, but his green eyes soften as they turn back to me. “I’m sorry, Ivy. I didn’t
mean to knock you down. I wasn’t watching where I was going.” He reaches a hand out like he’s about to touch me, but thinks better of it and it drops to his side. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I manage. “I didn’t see you there either.”
A smirk twists his lips as his eyes dance all over my face and body.
“It’s been a long time,” he says in that way of his that once upon a time I found so charming. “You look as beautiful as ever. Are you practicing?”
I can feel Sophia’s eyes on me, and in truth, it has been a long time, but yet I’m still on edge around him. I wonder if restraining orders count in another state? I doubt it highly.
“I am,” is all I offer. “You?” I ask, continuing the pleasantry for some unknown reason, though I’m edgy and desperate to go.
“Yup. Orthopedics here in L.A.”
“That’s great, Jason. I’m happy for you,” I offer a small smile that he feasts on. “Sophia and I should get going.”
When I look at him, all I can visualize are the scenes he made in the hospital and in public so long ago. I picture the paramedics’ pitying expressions as they hoisted me out of my car after he ran me off the road. I see everything that I’ve been trying to stay away from all these years.
Sophia and I attempt to maneuver around him, but he intercepts us by grabbing my arm. Instantly I yank it away, alarm bells going off inside my head as my heart races to a punishing rhythm.
He holds his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry. I just meant to stop you. I won’t touch you.” He’s eyeing me now like I’m a caged animal, and I don’t like or appreciate it. “I want to apologize to you, Ivy. For everything.” The sincerity in his voice doesn’t do much to soften me, but I do stop to listen, because I feel like I need this.
The way things ended between us was so very bad. Restraining orders, a car accident, and me spending the night in the hospital with a concussion.
“I, um . . .” He shifts his weight, looking down quickly before meeting my eyes again. “I was in a bad way when we were in school. The stress of everything was getting to me, and I just felt out of control and overwhelmed by the pressure to perform at a perfect level. I’m sorry for how far things went. I never meant to hurt you. I loved you and I was hurt you didn’t feel the same. I’m sorry.”