by J. Saman
“Well, when you put it like that.” She winks at me.
Fucking Ivy winks at me.
For some reason, I find this to be incredibly awesome and insanely sexy. People so rarely surprise me, but Ivy’s brutal honesty mixed with her fiery temper and overt politeness keep me on my toes. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with her so easily.
She’s the most fun I’ve had in three decades and one year.
She’s like the most elusive of hacks.
Cagey yet vulnerable.
Able to be penetrated but only after more dedication, balls, and sheer luck than most are willing to play for. But once you get inside, it’s the best sort of rush. The highest of highs that no drug can even come close to touching. Once inside, you have the keys to the motherfucking castle, and you own that shit. It’s yours for the wielding, but if you push too far or get carried away with the thrill of the prize, you’ll crash and burn.
And that, my friends, is worse than never penetrating it at all because you know how fucking amazing it is on the inside. But you also know you could potentially never get there again.
So do I plan to squander another minute of my life without her?
Absolutely not.
35
Ivy
* * *
So, I have a bit of irony for you. Are you ready? Luke hacked Jason. He completely invaded his privacy and did so unabashedly and unapologetically. That, and he ended up outside my blasted building on a bloody step before chasing me down at the airport. That’s pretty close to stalking, right? No. That is stalking.
And I do not care.
Go figure that one out.
Maybe it’s the fact that Luke isn’t really a stalker. I mean, some of his actions say that he is, but I don’t believe that is his outright goal or anything. I don’t think he sits about possessively obsessing over where I am and who I’m with or what I’m doing to the point of insanity and violence.
But Jason? That’s exactly what he would do to the point of following me around everywhere I went. To the point of accosting me and others I spoke to. To the point of violence.
The mere thought of him causes bile to creep up my throat.
I like to think that he’s gone. That he’s done with me. But that weakness in my brain that I absolutely hate makes me feel like he’ll always be lurking about. Men like that thrive on vulnerability, and that’s something I need to work on. No one can help me with that.
Strength comes from within, right?
But as Luke throws his arm around my shoulder, pulling me securely into his side, I know I’m safe.
He has one of the most jaded pasts I’ve heard of. The things he’s done? Hell, I still can’t make heads or tails of them.
But do I condemn or redeem him?
I love him, and I believe he’s a good man. He’s never shown me otherwise.
So that’s what I’m going to go with. That’s what I’m betting on, and I don’t think that’s the wrong choice. I may even feel it’s the right one.
“I made us a reservation,” Luke says as he opens my car door for me. We’re in his car, and I get the feeling that he’ll be dropping me back off here at the hospital in the morning. I seem to be okay with that too.
“Where’s that? Because I’m keen for Mexican food.”
Luke laughs, shutting my door and then hopping in his side before starting his car with the press of a button. “I actually went with sushi.”
I slap at him, laughing. “You did not, you savage liar.”
“Savage liar? That’s a bit strong, don’t you think? How about ruthlessly handsome, or roguishly endearing?”
“That could never describe you.”
“You wound me, Ivy. Deeply. You should know that.”
“If you don’t feed me soon, Lucas, I’ll wound you superficially as well.”
“God, I love your threats,” he sighs. “Okay, I might have gone with Mexican, but if you end up smelling like onions and chiles, I might try to take advantage of you before we hit up the ice cream.”
“Really? Onions and chiles do it for you?”
“Darlin’, you have no idea.” He gives me that lopsided impish smile of his, complete with that sexy-as-all-sin dimple. What is it about his smile that gets me every time?
The Mexican place he picked is one of my favorite restaurants in all of Seattle, and though I’m ravenously hungry, my appetite is dwindling.
“My spidey sense is telling me that something is off with you,” Luke comments as he pops a chip laden with guacamole into his mouth.
“I’m not following.”
“You’re not eating, and that’s pretty much a sport with you, so what’s up?”
“I don’t know. Just uneasy is all.”
Reaching out for my hand, I happily place mine in his. “Do you want to go out and meet up with everyone? Ryan’s brother has joined our little team of merry bandits and I’d bet money on the fact that he’s dying for the redhead.”
“Claire?”
“One in the same.”
“Wow.”
“I know,” Luke laughs.
“She’ll eat him alive.”
He shrugs, “Already warned.”
“I’d rather just go home.”
“No ice cream?”
“Can we take a pint to go?”
“I can pay the check now, order you up some salted caramel, and we can be eating it in bed within the hour.”
“You really are the best, aren’t you?”
“Without a doubt. But really, what’s going on?”
I look down at my half-eaten plate of enchiladas with regret. I love this place and these enchiladas and don’t know why I can’t shake this. “You know I saw him?”
“Yes,” he answers, though it was a rhetorical question. “He won’t bother you, Ivy. I’ve got him by the balls if he even tries.”
My eyes find his. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’ve got access to his systems should I ever need it. It means that if he ever comes near you, I’ll have him arrested and destroy his world. It means I’d never ever let someone hurt you.”
“Can you offer the same promise against yourself?”
That gives him pause. “Yes. At least, I think so. You’re my world, and I will always protect you. No matter what.”
Wow. I mean, just wow. What can someone even say to that?
Luke’s eyes hold mine, trepidation clear as day in those brown depths. “Do you have questions for me?”
“No. I really don’t. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand everything that comes with you, but I’ve thought about it, and maybe I’m okay with that. Maybe it doesn’t matter.”
“Can you say matter again?”
“Matter?”
“Yeah, but you say it like mat-ah. It’s cute.”
I roll my eyes, ignoring the way he looks at me like I’m the most beautiful woman on the planet. And I definitely ignore the way it makes me feel. “Pay the check. I want my ice cream, and then I need to sleep.”
“With me?”
“Yes.”
Luke whips out his wallet in one of the fastest moves I’ve ever witnessed. He doesn’t even wait for the check. He just drops down a couple of large bills, way more than what we owe, and then reaches for my hand.
I take it with more ease than I would have imagined.
We make it out to his car, and as we drive through the streets together, I fall into myself again.
“What are you thinking?” Luke tilts his head in my direction, his eyes still on the road.
“I’m not thinking anything.”
“You’re the worst liar, baby.” He reaches out for my hand again. “You can ask me whatever you want to know.”
I shrug, feigning indifference. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m thinking the things I am. “It’s none of my business.”
He chuckles, reaching up to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing up and down, eliciting a shiver down my spine. “Sure i
t is. I told you, you’re mine and I’m yours. I know you’re wondering about my past.”
“I’m not.” He throws me a look and my shoulders fall. “Not really anyway. I just still feel like I’m missing so much of you, and . . .,” I trail off, not wanting to finish my thought.
“Did you know that I’ve only ever had one real girlfriend?” I shake my head, not entirely sure where this is headed and a little frustrated that he changed the subject like that. “I dated a girl named Veronica, Ronnie I called her, when we were in college. She split the second the Feds came banging on my door and after that, I met you.”
“Right,” I draw out the word, because I knew that already.
“I left you that morning, maybe five or ten minutes after you had fallen asleep. You were so exquisitely beautiful, and it was really not a far stretch to picture something more with you, even though we had just met. But Ronnie had just dumped me over the FBI thing, and I knew I was headed in a bad direction, so I left. I left that morning, but that didn’t stop me from hanging around Bean & Leaf whenever I could, hoping to see you. Hoping to talk to you and apologize.”
I try looking away, suddenly uncomfortable with his penetrating stare. His thumb and second finger possess my chin, forcing my eyes back to his and holding me there as he studies my expression against the lights of the dashboard as we sit at the traffic light.
“I was stuck on you after that one night. Unable to let go, but I knew I had no choice. That seems to be my theme when it comes to you. My inability to see past myself, the things I had done and things I was doing, kept me from you a second time.”
I swallow down, overwhelmed by his intensity that I now can’t seem to look away from.
“I have people,” he continues. “Kate is an incredible woman, and I love her like a sister. Claire, the monster, too. Ryan most of all, and even that little shit, Kyle. I have people in my life. People I love and who love me back, but other than Ryan, no one really knows me. Except you,” he stresses. “You know me. And though you think you’re missing a lot, you’re actually not. I want this with you. I want a future and a forever, and I’m really not shy about asking for it. I am so sorry for what I put us through, but I need you, and I think you need me too.”
“I might need you too.”
A slow smile lights up his face before he leans over to kiss me chastely. “Might?”
“Don’t push it.”
He laughs, driving forward with the change of the light, taking us back to his place.
* * *
Luke tosses his keys on the table next to the door before snaking his arms around my waist and walking me in. “I have ice cream in the freezer,” he says into my neck, trailing kisses up and down.
“Not interested.”
“Then what are you interested in?” he asks with so much suggestion in his voice that my toes curl as I suppress my moan.
Turning around in his arms, I peer up into his soft brown depths, my hands snaking around his neck.
“Hi,” he whispers, brushing my hair back behind my ears so he can study my face better.
“Hi,” I whisper in return, and now we’re grinning at each other like lovestruck teenagers before their first kiss. It’s that same feeling. The incredible coil of anticipation mixed with the bubbles of excitement that pervade my chest.
The delicious buzz of desire grows between us, snapping and popping, fizzing and sizzling and I can’t get enough. The buildup is almost as good as the real thing. Almost.
His head dips down slightly before pausing, hovering a few measly inches from mine. He’s asking me. This time he has no intention of taking something I’m not willing to offer, but little does he know, I want everything.
His kisses, his hands, his body, his mind, his soul, his everything.
“I love you,” I whisper.
His eyes slam shut, and a shaky breath stutters past his lips.
“Wow. Who knew three simple words, arranged in that order, coming from your mouth, could sound like the most prodigious symphony ever composed?” When his eyes open again, they’re on fire, and everything inside me ignites before it liquefies into a molten pool of lava. “I don’t just want you for tonight,” he says, like it’s a warning.
“I know.”
“What are you saying? I need to hear the words, baby.”
“I’m saying I’m yours, Luke. I’m saying I always have been.”
His hands clasp my cheeks before his mouth crashes to mine, devouring me. We’re pulling at each other in frenzied desperation. This is no sweet, gentle reunion. This is need and passion. And did I mention need? Holy god, do I need this man.
My shirt hits the floor, followed by his, and then he’s lifting me up, walking me across the flat. His lips never leave mine, not even to maneuver us around, which is why we bump into furniture here and there, laughing against each other as we go.
Luke tosses me down on the bed with a bounce, causing a giggle to bubble up, but it gets lodged in my throat as I see the expression on his face. It’s unbelievably raw and exposed, and if I thought I was eager before, I’m a million times more so now. I’ve never had someone look at me like that. Ever.
“I’m sorry,” he says, regret crumbling his features. “God Ivy, I’m so goddamn sorry for everything I’ve put us through. I still maintain that you’re too good for me, and that you deserve a shit ton better, but I love you. I love you so fucking much. I hate that I hurt you.”
Luke drops to his knees on the floor in front of my legs, which are dangling off the edge of the bed. His fingers slide under the backs of my thighs, pulling me closer to him before his head drops to the tops of them. Sitting up, I run my fingers through his soft short hair.
“You’re my world,” he says quietly, lost in thought. “And the way I love you.” I see a small smile pulling on his lips. “It’s really not even describable. So that stuff with Jason that Sophia called me about? I can’t even go there. I can’t even think about it, because it makes me want to wrap you up in my arms and never let you leave here again. It makes me feel like a crazy, possessive caveman. And that got me thinking about my situation. So I’m just going to say this and then if you’re still with me, I’m going to make love to you until you never question anything again.”
“Okay.”
Luke raises his head out of my lap, brushing a thumb across my cheek. “I would never let anything or anyone hurt you. Ever. I would give my life to protect yours. And I’m not saying this to be dramatic. I’m saying this because you need to know that I will ensure your safety if you decide to be with me. I know it comes with a certain amount of risk, though it is less now than it was. I’m not easy and neither is my life, but god, Ivy, I’d do anything to be able to make you mine forever.”
His thumbs brush against my cheeks again, swiping at the tears I hadn’t noticed falling.
“Okay.”
He pushes out an incredulous laugh. “Okay? I bare my heart and soul to you, and all you can say is okay?”
“Yeah. I think that really covers everything, don’t you?”
He laughs, shaking his head before tackling me to my back and covering my body with his delicious weight. “Darlin’, nothing with us will ever be just okay.”
“All right? Does that work?”
He starts tickling my ribs and though I’m not all that ticklish, he seems to find my one spot. I’m squirming and giggling, trying to push his hands away.
“Bloody hell, Luke! Stop! Please!”
He does finally stop, leaving me panting and breathless, smiling so big my cheeks hurt.
Luke hovers above me, his hands pressed into the mattress on either side of my head. “You’re so beautiful,” he says reverently, his eyes gliding across my face feature by feature. “And you’re mine, so no more of this okay or all right bullshit.”
“Okay,” I smirk, but instead of more tickles, he gives me a broad smile before dipping his head down and pressing his lips to mine.
After that, we’re
a mass of lips and hands and moving bodies. “I missed you,” I whisper as he slides inside me. We’ve done this particular dance many times before, but this time is nothing like anything before it.
This time nothing is held back.
Nothing is hidden.
We move against each other as one with our eyes open, knowing full well that this is the beginning, not the end. And it’s so unbelievably, earth-shatteringly, torturously good.
He thrusts into me like a man on a mission. Like any space or distance between us is too much for him to bear. He slides out of me slowly, only to push in deeper and harder each time. Over and over again until I lose my mind.
“Yes, Ivy. I’m close. So close, baby. Tell me you’re there with me.” I nod. It’s all I can do. “Come with me. Now, Ivy. Come now. You feel too good for me to stop.”
I explode on cue, shattering apart and moaning out his name in one continuous string of sound. He follows me over, growling and groaning, collapsing onto me and covering me with his incredible weight. When we finally crash back down to earth, we’re smiling in relief. Luke pulls me against him, my head resting on his chest over his racing heart.
“Will you move in with me?” he asks after a long quiet moment, his fingers gliding up and down my bare back.
“I’m sorry, I must have misheard you.”
“Nope. You heard me.”
“Impossible. It’s far too absurd of a question to have been uttered.”
“The thought of you being in your place alone and me in mine is a little much for me. I realize we’re trying to start over and that this is sort of new for us, but I want you to live with me.”
“Live with you?”
“Yes.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not? I want you with me. I enjoy having you in my bed every night in my arms. Last night, holding you like that, holding you like this, it’s the way it should be.”
“We’ve been back together for what? Five minutes? Absolutely not!” I practically shriek.