by J. Saman
“Okay, I’m sort of following and sort of not,” I tell him as I step over a fallen moss-covered log. Everything in this forest is that deep dark green that comes from too much rain and too little sunlight. But it’s beautiful and just cool enough that I’m not sweating like a fat man on a treadmill.
“It means I tire faster, because I don’t have as much oxygen in my tissues as you do. The fact that we’re at a higher altitude already means less oxygen in the air, which isn’t helping.”
Now that I listen, I can hear he is panting. And I know he has funky blood. He tried to explain about his platelet count and white blood cells and now his hemoglobin. It’s all very medical. And technical. And since I’m not Ivy, who is a doctor, or Kate, who is a nurse, I pretend to listen to him while I really zone out and think about things I comprehend much better. I’m one of those smart people who knows when they’ve been bested, and anything medically related is my Achilles heel.
“Then let’s stop here,” I say, slowing down. Taking his hand, I lead him to a level area off the trail. I know these trails well. I come hiking here a lot. It’s such a cliché, but a true one all the same, because there really is something about nature that just reinvigorates the soul.
I don’t know if I believe in God. I mean, not in the sense that there is an all-powerful being that stands judgment over each of our lives, pointing and dispelling pain, punishment, happiness, and love over his subjects.
But when I’m here, surrounded by all this green, brown, growth, and life, it’s hard not to believe that there is something. A higher power of sorts. Something that grounds and connects the universe, because, fuck, it’s incredible. And when shit gets too real for me, I come out here and I gain all that perspective I find myself losing.
“Check this out, big guy, and tell me it wasn’t worth the near asphyxiation and the bends and whatever else you were bitching about?”
We’re standing about halfway up the mountain, and before you judge and say that isn’t very much, these mountains have freaking snowcaps on the top. From where we are, we have an amazing view of the mountain range spread out in front of us. This park is magnificent. Mountains and waterfalls, glacial lakes that are so blue and clear they’re almost surreal.
“The bends?” Kyle snorts, standing next to me, his eyes fixed on the grandeur. “Isn’t that what divers get?”
“Yeah, I think you might be right on that one, my friend. Altitude sickness?” I turn to him, scrunching my eyebrows.
He smiles, but doesn’t pull his eyes away from the awe-inspiring view. “Yeah. It was worth it. I may even be willing to do this with you again.”
“If I were the sort of girl who camped in the wilderness and didn’t mind being attacked by bears, I’d say we could do that. But I’m not, so I won’t say it. They do have hotels around here, so if you’re ever actually interested in really exploring the park, we could take on nature for a weekend. But I won’t lie, I need bathrooms with warm running water, and I can’t stand freeze-dried food and instant coffee.”
“Snob,” Kyle laughs, nudging me with his elbow.
“Truth.” I shake my head. “But it’s so damn pretty. When I die, will you sprinkle my ashes here?”
Kyle turns to me, probably trying to see just how serious I am. And even though I was completely joking, suddenly, I’m sort of not.
“You got it, babe. But only if you promise to toss my ashes here too. I think this may be my new favorite place.”
“Yeah?” I turn to him with a smile that cannot be helped. The idea of Kyle liking it here as much as I do, well, it does things to me. It makes me happy. It fills me with a sort of bubbly excitement that I can’t name or place.
“Yeah.”
“What’s up, Zeus?” I scream at the top of my lungs, loving the smallest hint of an echo that greets me.
Kyle looks at me like I’m insane, but he’s smiling, laughing lightly. His hazel eyes sparkle against the sun, and for a flicker of a second, I can’t look anywhere else.
“Zeus?”
“Yeah,” I say sarcastically, widening my eyes and raising my eyebrows. “It’s Mount Freaking Olympus. What? You’d rather call after Aphrodite? Looking for some hot goddess action? Always the player, Kyle.”
“You are far more beautiful than Aphrodite.”
“Damn, you really are a player. Do those lines always work on your women?” I nudge him. “No wait.” I hold up my hand, like I’m warding him away. “Don’t answer that. I already know. It’s a resounding yes. You are just the epitome of god-like sexiness.”
“You think I’m sexy?”
“Definitely not,” I wink at him. “But I can see how the ladies would.”
“And you’re not a lady?”
I laugh, spreading my arms out wide in front of me. “I am not a lady. I have no manners. I definitely don’t hold my tongue as I should. And, I have,” I lean into him, covering a cupped hand over my mouth like I’m telling him a secret, “sex.”
He laughs, throwing his arm over my shoulder. “I wouldn’t change you, though. You know that? I think you’re perfect, exactly as you are.” His eyes lock on mine, and I practically swallow my tongue at his expression. He means it. He may be saying it in a playful manner, but I know he means it.
Which is why I should turn away from him. It’s why I should say something rude or crass that I don’t mean, in order to bring levity to a situation that has none for me. But I can’t do that. The promise in those words is ringing louder than my common sense.
I turn to him. He turns to me. Our eyes never stray from each other. “Ditto,” I say far too earnestly. Pretending not to want Kyle in all the ways I do is exhausting.
The most breathtaking smile lights up his face, and in this moment, I know I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life. Not the mountain range or the waterfalls, or anything else nature has to throw at me. No. Kyle Grant is my own personal form of perfection.
The urge to kiss him, to claim him as mine, is overwhelming.
In fact, if I’m being honest, that has grown exponentially since he moved here. I figured it would, but not to this extent. Not to the extent where I’m lost in him, never wanting to be found. Where I’m desperate to continue to live in this suspended reality, clinging to each of our moments, hoping they can last just a little longer.
Which is exactly why I say, “We should go.”
His eyes don’t waver from mine, but the shift in them is as clear as day. He hates that I just said that. I do, too. So, I guess we’re even.
“Yeah, we should.”
And like he can’t resist, even if he doesn’t get what he fully wants, he leans in and kisses my cheek. It’s long and lingering, and hits just the right spot inside my body to make me instantly come to life. My gut twists with regretful longing.
We trek down the mountain, and simply going by the laws of gravity, it takes us half the time to get down than it did to get up. By the time we reach his car, we’re exhausted.
It’s also pitch black and raining. Hard. A torrential downpour complete with thunder and lightning came out of absolutely nowhere.
“Shit,” Kyle laughs as he starts his car. “It’s awful out. And there are no lights around here.”
“Then I take it you didn’t notice that there is a car blocking you.”
“What?” Kyle’s head snaps around like he can see in the dark out of his even darker back windshield. He can’t. So, he puts his car into reverse and the backup camera comes to life on his navigation screen.
“Shit,” he says again, because some asshole seriously blocked us in. They’re parked in just such a way that we can’t get out because if we go forward and try to readjust ourselves, we’ll roll down into a gully.
“So, I guess I am a camping girl, after all. At least we’re warm and dry in your car.”
“Yeah. I have gas, but not a full tank, and this car has a big engine, which means we don’t have enough to get through the night and drive home tomorrow.”
“That’s not exactly environmentally friendly.”
“Yeah. Thanks. I’m an asshole Yuppie.”
“I think your kind is actually referred to as the one-percenters now. Yuppie went out with acid-washed jeans, Studio 54, and blow.”
“Again, not very helpful. As I was saying, we have some gas, but we’re going to need it to get out of the fucking mountains. So, I’m going to have to turn off the car soon. We’re stuck out here, cupcake. Do you get that? We’re going to have to sleep in my car in the middle of the goddamn forest.”
He’s freaking out. Which is oddly endearing. I get it, though. He grew up in Philly and then lived in New York City, so roughing it in the wilderness is really not his thing. It’s not exactly my thing either, but I’m definitely more of a roll-with-the-punches person than he is.
“On the bright side, I packed plenty of water and snacks, and we have the whole back of your car to sleep in.”
He looks at me, and I don’t think he’s seeing the bright side quite the same way I am. But really, we’re not so bad off. We have shelter, jackets, food, and water. Could be so much worse.
“Claire . . .” He looks over at me, nonplussed.
“Oh, come on, Kyle. Adapt with me.” Heat is brushing our faces, and it’s warm and cozy in here despite the monsoon outside. It’s actually pretty noisy, but in a comforting way. Is it weird that I’m not at all disappointed about being stuck out here with him?
Other than the fact that I have to pee. That part kind of sucks right now. And the sound of the rain is definitely not doing me any favors.
“Adapt with you? Are you willing to sleep with me in the back seat?”
“That’s oddly reminiscent of a high school proposition I once received.”
“I’m being serious.”
“I can see that,” I say with a smile, hoping to relax him. “Yes, I’ll gladly snuggle up against you. But first, I have to pee.” He looks at me like he might be ready to kill me. “It’s the sound of the rain. It cannot be helped. I’m going to pee and probably be soaking wet when I return.” Again, not amused. “Just keep the heat on, okay?”
I start to take off my jacket, followed by my shirt.
“What the hell are you doing?” he practically yells at me.
“Seriously?” I look over at him incredulously. “If I go out there fully dressed, it will not only take me longer to do my thing, but I’ll be soaking wet when I return. I’m stripping down now so that when I come back, I can put on dry clothes and not freeze my ass off all night.”
He stares at me, his eyes slightly bulging. I shimmy out of my jeans, and then I’m sitting on his front seat in my bra and panties.
“Fuck,” he hisses, but I don’t waste time on his reaction to my almost nudity.
I hit the unlock button and hop out into the freezing rain. “Holy hell,” I scream, running down to the car next to us and squatting in front of it. Kyle can’t see me from here, and considering I’m already shaking and shuddering, frozen and soaked through, I wouldn’t care if he could.
I do my business in record time, rub my hands together because they’re already wet, and then I jump back into his car.
I’m drenched. Water is running through my hair and down my body in rivulets. My panties and bra are not even salvageable. I shiver, trembling uncontrollably. Because goddamn I’m freezing.
“C-close y-your e-e-e-eyes.” My teeth are chattering so badly I’m afraid I’m going to chip one. Kyle has the sense to turn up the heat to full blast, pointing the vents at me.
He looks at me, and then I glare, and he gets it. His eyes shut, but a small smile twitches up the corner of his lips. “I already looked.”
“Y-yeah, b-but I’m a-about to get n-n-n-naked.”
“Why?” he asks, suddenly all Zen with an even bigger smile. Asshole.
“B-because I’m w-w-wet.”
He groans, throwing his head back and everything, and suddenly I’m flooding with heat.
I rip off my bra and panties, sitting naked on his passenger seat, which is nicely warm since he also turned on the butt heat for me. I use one of my t-shirts to wipe down my body—my frozen sodden body—very grateful that I thought to wear multiple layers. Between the blasting heat and the warmth from my seat, I’m already feeling better, and my teeth have thankfully calmed down enough for me to speak. “Are you looking?”
“No,” he says, that impish grin still in place. “But I have the perfect image of you mostly naked and soaking wet with your hard nipples poking through your bra, so I’m good.”
“Asshole,” I mutter, as I slip commando into my jeans and throw on my long-sleeved thermal followed by my jacket. I twist my soaking wet hair up into a bun and secure it with an elastic. “I’m good.”
“No, baby, you’re fucking gorgeous.” His eyes open, and he looks at me with a devilish smile I feel all the way in my toes. “How on earth am I going to sleep next to you and keep my hands to myself?”
“You’ll manage.”
He shakes his head, his eyes dark and filled with lust. Damn, I want to straddle him in his seat and ride him until morning.
I hand him a package of trail mix and a bottle of water from my backpack and we eat, accompanied by the sound of the pouring rain and the radio. We don’t speak. Our sexual tension is too tightly wound for words.
He silently shuts off the car, bathing us in blackness. The rain makes loud clanking sounds against the metal of the roof of his car. Lightning flashes violently, lighting up the black sky for a fleeting second followed closely by an angry ripple of thunder.
“You ready to try and sleep in this hellhole?”
“Yeah,” I say, my voice thick, my breaths coming out just a touch faster.
He flips on the flashlight app on his phone, hits a button on his car, and the back seats go down.
“Bow chicka wow wow,” I sing playfully.
He laughs, and then we wordlessly crawl back into our new bed.
We settle in, my back to his front. My ass far too close to his dick.
“Claire?” he whispers, the darkness and our proximity requiring that level of intimacy.
“Yes?”
“I promise to be good,” he says and then pauses. “But you should know that I’m having all kinds of thoughts. All. Kinds. So, if you wake up to a wandering hand, I’m apologizing in advance.”
“You’re forgiven,” I breathe and giggle a little, trying to play his words off as a joke.
He drops an open mouth kiss to the crook of my neck. Once. Twice. It’s not enough. My eyes clench shut at the warmth of his mouth on my skin, a moan caught in the back of my throat. My eyes blink open, and I stare into the blackness in front of me. It would be so easy to ask for more.
So goddamn easy.
And so fucking stupid.
Then he pulls me into his chest, his arm wraps snugly around my waist, forming my body to his incredible heat. I can’t get close enough.
I sigh. He sighs. I close my eyes and I spend the entire night talking myself out of turning around.
18
Kyle
* * *
I wake up with an incredibly painful hard-on. I mean, the sort that absolutely only has one way of relieving it. My hand reflexively begins to move south toward it, but I freeze, instantly aware that there is something warm and soft and sweet smelling in my arms, curled up against me.
Against my rock-hard dick.
She’s not awake yet, but if I don’t move back now, the second she does wake up, she’ll know just how much I want her. And though I may have tried to come off like I was just joking around with her last night, I wasn’t. The image of her soaking wet in her see-through bra and panties is forever burned into my brain. And with that lovely thought, my cock presses even further against my jeans, and God help me, it’s taking everything in me not to groan and rock into her supple ass.
All of this is made infinitely worse by the fact that she slept in my arms last night. But I want m
y best friend here for way more than just a back seat fuck.
I want her.
I know she does not feel the same. I think she’s attracted to me. She gives me looks that cannot mean anything else, but this is Claire. And Claire doesn’t date. Claire doesn’t do relationships. Claire has meaningless sex with meaningless men. And I am not meaningless. I refuse to be meaningless to her.
I want to mean everything to her.
And I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to get her to accept that things don’t have to be this way. That she can open up and tell me her secrets and that they won’t matter. They won’t have me running for the hills. Or the mountains, in this case.
But Claire’s stubborn, and in her mind, this is the way things have to be. I don’t even know if she really wants them like that, but it’s her go-to. It’s her finely crafted and artfully manipulated truth. Even if it’s all bullshit.
My eyes are glued to her sweet, placid face. The way her long eyelashes dance along the crest of her cheek as she dreams. The way her full, bow-shaped lips are slightly parted as slow even breaths pass through them. Her hair is a delightful mess of crimson, and with the early morning sun shining in at just the right angle, it glows.
I don’t want this moment to end.
I don’t want her to wake up and pull away from me the way I know she will.
In truth, this has never been something I’ve enjoyed before. Sleeping with a woman. And now that I think on it, I’ve really only done it a few times.
But in this moment, I wonder if I was missing something by avoiding that.
Or maybe it’s just this woman.
My fingers reach up, gently brushing a few errant strands away from her face. She stirs, and I cringe, inwardly chastising myself for my stupidity.
“How long have you been watching me?” she asks with a smile, her eyes still closed.
“Longer than I should have,” I admit. It’s funny, sometimes I hold everything back. I let our friendship be my guiding force. And then other times, like right now, I can’t stop myself from going for it. From saying, fuck it. “Happy birthday, Claire.”