by J. Saman
Fuck!
I reach across the couch and I grab her. I yank her small body to mine and press her close, holding her to me. Her heart is pounding against mine—a loud, punishing staccato that quickly falls into rhythm with my own.
“Tell me why this can’t happen,” I demand in a firm tone, cupping her face with my hands. She’s trying to resist me. Doing everything in her power not to look at me. I position her face until she has no other choice, but she’s pushing against my chest, desperate to get away. I don’t care. “Tell me!”
“I can’t tell you!” She pushes against me again, and I’m stunned silent by the pure belief behind those words. “My life is messed up. It’s not real. It’s stalled time. It’s why I don’t get into relationships. It’s why I haven’t been with anyone since college. I’m fucked up.”
I just stare at her. “None of that makes any sense. You’re not fucked up. I want you. I want you so damn bad I can hardly breathe.” My forehead drops to hers, our eyes lock, our noses brush, our breath becomes one. “God, Claire, you’re everything I want.”
A lone tear drops out of the corner of her eye, and I wipe it away with my thumb. “You’d hate me if you knew, Kyle. In the end, you’d hate me. And I can’t have that. I won’t ruin your life and your future. I won’t. You deserve so much more than what I can give you.”
My head falls back against the edge of the sofa. Nothing she’s saying is making any goddamn sense. I guess it’s time to go for broke, and if this is how it ends, well, at least I gave it my all. At least I tried.
My chin falls until my eyes are square with hers once again.
She’s so beautiful. Those big, bright blue eyes that are a little watery with her tears. That adorable upturned nose. Those incredible bow-shaped lips, the lower one trembling slightly. I really could stare at this woman for the rest of my life and never tire of it.
I reach up and cup her face, and she lets me.
“I love you,” I say firmly, unequivocally. I let her see it all. I hold nothing back. Every ounce of emotion is pouring out of me, and if my words don’t convince her, the expression on my face certainly will.
Claire’s eyes slam shut, and her body shudders as more tears leak out, causing her endless eyelashes to clump together like wet paintbrushes. “You can’t love me,” she says so quietly that it takes me an extra moment to realize exactly what she said.
And when I catch all of it, fully comprehend those words, I lose it. I move Claire onto the couch next to me, forcing her off my lap and stand up, slamming the side of my fist into the round button on the television because if I have to hear any more sound coming from it, I might just toss the fucking thing out the motherfucking window.
She’s silent. Not even uttering a sound as she sits there and cries, watching me try to gain control. But I can’t. Claire just has a way of making you crazy, and that seems to be what she’s done to me tonight. I must be insane. Because I just don’t understand her.
“Tough shit,” I laugh out in a slightly psychotic way. “You can’t tell someone who they can love and who they can’t.” I stop my pacing and stare down at her. “I. Love. You. I fucking do. And I know you love me too. I know it. So why the fuck are you trying to stop this?”
Claire’s face drops into her hands, her red hair spilling all around her, covering her like a fiery blanket of protection. She doesn’t say anything. Her only response is to cry, and despite my overwhelming anger and frustration, my heart breaks. I hate seeing her hurting. I hate it.
Doesn’t she know I could make all this hurt go away?
I walk over to her and drop to my knees, placing my hands on her parted thighs. “Look at me,” I say softly, running my fingers through her silky hair. “Please.”
Claire sniffles, wiping at the watery black smudges under her eyes with the tips of her fingers before turning her unflinching gaze to me.
“Just tell me.”
“I can’t be with you, Kyle. I’m sorry.”
I can’t be with you, Kyle. I’m sorry. Those words repeat through my head once. I can’t be with you, Kyle. I’m sorry. And then again.
My world stops. Everything ceases to exist while I stare at this woman, praying I find even a hint of a lie in her eyes. A flash of uncertainty. A moment of regret.
There is none.
So, I take a deep breath. I stand up.
And I walk out the door.
25
Claire
* * *
“When do you get to bring them home?” I ask Kate as I sit in a rocking chair in the NICU, holding baby Will. Kate delivered the twins early. The crazy lady decided to go into labor in the middle of Bumbershoot. Okay, maybe decided is a bit of an overstatement. But the twins, Leah and Will, are rocking along. They’re awesome, in fact. Tiny little peanuts, but awesome.
“I can take Will home in two days since he’s gaining weight and eating like a champ,” Kate says, her attention focused on Leah, who is still trying to get the hang of nursing. “Leah needs to figure out that my nipples are meant to be in her mouth, and then hopefully, she can come home too.”
Kate lets out a loud groan of satisfaction as baby Leah finally latches on. Kate’s boobs are huge. She says that’s what you get when you have to feed two babies at once, but holy mother of pearl, they’re ridiculous.
“I hate leaving them,” she whispers, a small smile on her lips as she watches her daughter feed from her body.
“I know,” I say softly as baby Will starts to fall asleep in my arms. Ryan had a meeting that he simply could not change, so I’m here to hang out with Kate and the twins. I’ve never been much of a baby person. Their vulnerability scares the crap out of me. But these babies feel like a part of me.
“You’ll all be home together soon,” Ivy says, rejoining us. She had gone over to help an intern with something, because the regular neonatologist was busy with another patient. Ivy is a pediatric emergency medicine doctor. So, I guess that makes her a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to little ones. “Ah, I see she finally latched on.”
“Yeah,” Kate sighs. “Thank Christ, because I was about to explode. But I don’t know if she’s on right,” Kate says, looking up to Ivy for guidance. “It hurts like a motherfucker.”
I snort. “Do you think it’s appropriate to say motherfucker around all these little ones?”
“Oh,” Kate says, looking around anxiously like she’s afraid of getting busted for her language. “Shit. I didn’t think about that. Fuck, I just swore again. And again. Blame the lack of sleep and let’s move on.”
I can’t help but snicker as I continue to rock back and forth in the chair, the small bundle wrapped up tight against me. “It’s not the lack of sleep, my ladylove. You have a sailor’s mouth that’s normally really adorable because you look all small and sweet and unassuming. But you’re gonna have to curtail that otherwise their first word will be shit or fuck instead of mama or dada.”
Kate and Ivy bust out laughing at my words.
“I know. I’ll work on it. Ryan gave me the same speech. But seriously, this hurts.”
“Here, let me help. I can adjust her without having her come off of you,” Ivy offers, and then she crouches down and starts playing with Kate’s boob and Leah’s mouth.
“Hard to believe you’re going to be doing this crap soon too, Miss Ivy Pivy.”
“I know,” Ivy smiles. Ivy is pregnant and engaged to Luke. But it didn’t really come in that order. Well, not really. I mean, Luke was planning on popping the question anyway. I even went with him to pick out the ring. Ivy just happened to be knocked up but didn’t know until the day he was planning to propose. He’s over the moon excited. So is she. When did all my friends become adults?
“There, how’s that?”
“Ah, much better. Thanks so much. And I’m glad you’re not put off by touching my boobs.” Kate leans back in the rocker, her eyes closing for a brief moment. “One of the nurses I work with in the ICU came by and totally freaked out
on me because I was nursing Will. I mean, come on. She’s a nurse, and I’m in the freaking NICU. It’s not like we don’t see this crap and a lot worse on a daily basis.”
“Honestly, people in this country are rather wonky when it comes to nudity,” Ivy says, coming around next to me and running her fingers over Will’s smooth bald head. “Nursing your baby is natural. Americans make it seem like you’re giving a peep show or something.”
“I know,” Kate snaps a little too forcefully, and baby Will startles in my arms a bit, but not enough to wake him up. “Sorry,” she says sheepishly. “It’s just that I remember this crap from after I had Maggie. I nursed her in a restaurant once. It’s not like I had a choice, because she was hungry and didn’t want anything but me. So, it was people dealing with a crying fussy baby or me nursing her as covertly as possible. But the waiter gave me a nasty look and told me that I was upsetting their other patrons, so either I’d have to stop nursing or leave. It’s not even like you could see anything. I was wearing a cover.”
“What a rat bastard,” Ivy exclaims, and I nod wholeheartedly.
“For real. I hope you left.”
“I did,” Kate says. “What else could I do? Maggie came first.” And then we all fall silent because I can see that Kate is about to lose it as she stares down at baby Leah while thinking about her dead daughter. Life just sucks like that sometimes.
“I have to get back to work, but I’ll pop back up if I can. I’m here until midnight.”
“Thanks, Ivy,” Kate says through a yawn. “I’d appreciate it if you could. I don’t think I can stay as late as I have been. I think I need a night of sleep.”
“You do, luv. I’ll make sure your little bundles are fit and tight before I leave.” Ivy bends down and kisses Will on the head, followed by me and then Leah and Kate before she walks off.
“Do you think it’s weird . . .,” Kate trails off, her voice distant like she’s about to rock herself to sleep.
“Do I think what’s weird?”
“That Ivy is pregnant and engaged to Luke?”
I snort. “Weird? No. Expected? Yeah. I wouldn’t be surprised if that crafty bastard was poking holes in his condoms for months to try and knock her up.” Kate’s eyes flash open as she looks over at me. “Relax there, kitten, I’m just teasing or speculating or whatever.”
“They’re great together, though. I’m not one of those people who thinks everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that we’re meant to be a part of certain people’s lives. And those two are the real deal.”
“I know. I’m so freaking happy for them.”
“I feel like my family is growing by leaps and bounds, and I don’t just mean Will and Leah.” Kate’s eyes flash over to mine, and I know what she’s going to say, so I stop her before she can start.
“Don’t,” I warn. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“But you love him,” she says, like that changes everything. And maybe in her world it does. Just not in mine.
“Please just drop it. I should have never told you about it. It was a moment of weakness.”
Kate does a scoff-snort thing. “We seem to have a lot of those. But why won’t you tell me what really happened? You said Kyle won’t talk to you, and that you had a fight.”
I shrug a shoulder, pulling baby Will closer to my body and snuggling into him without tripping his baby LoJack or the wires coming out of his chest.
Kate pulls Leah off her breast, covers herself up, and then brings the swaddled baby up to her shoulder to burp her gently. The twins are tiny. I mean, I know newborns are small, but these two were not only early, but twins. That makes them even smaller. Will is like five pounds, and Leah is four something.
“I’m just saying that you don’t have to fight everything. Love isn’t the torturous misery you make it out to be. You can tell me anything you know that. I’d never judge you.”
I blink, holding everything inside of me back. “I know, Katie Duck.” I smile as I nuzzle baby Will. “I know. And thank you. One day, okay? I promise.”
“What happens one day?” a voice says off to the right of us, and both Kate and I turn our heads to see Kyle strolling over to us, wearing a yellow papery gown and a smile. Damn, he looks good even dressed like that.
I look back over to Kate with an oh shit expression that’s readily returned. But then her eyes turn mischievous and I have a bad feeling about where this is headed.
“One day, Claire will tell me all about the man she’s in love with. She’s rather tight-lipped about it.”
My eyes practically bug out of my head. If I didn’t love baby Will, and we weren’t in the NICU, and he wasn’t an actual human, I’d throw him at her.
“Is that right?” Kyle says, pulling a chair over to sit next to Kate and as far away from me as possible. “I didn’t know Claire was capable of such emotions.”
Ouch.
It’s been only two days since Kyle and I had our blowout in my apartment. And in those two days, he hasn’t spoken to me. He never returned any of my calls or texts. He also won’t look at me. Not even a glance in my direction.
Kyle has pretty much made it clear that this goes way beyond simply being pissed at me. He didn’t come to my show last night, and today I don’t exist to him. He’s done with me. But I’m still staring him down, hoping he can feel everything that’s swirling inside of me.
Finally, Kyle glances briefly in my direction, but his eyes don’t linger on me. His expression is tight. Measured. Unapproachable.
Shit, this hurts.
And if the fact that I love him didn’t make this hurt, losing my best friend would. That might actually kill me more than anything else.
Kate shrugs a shoulder before offering Kyle a well-fed and content baby Leah. No way on earth is someone removing baby Will from my arms.
“Claire is capable of a whole lot. It’s just that she doesn’t feel she deserves it.”
“Maybe,” Kyle muses, holding his tiny niece in his large arms, shifting her about until they’re both comfortable and dropping a kiss on her head. God, that’s cute. What is it about strong men holding babies?
“But I have yet to see Claire do anything that doesn’t have her own best interest at heart.”
Ouch times two. Solid burn, Kyle. Solid burn.
“That’s not true. Claire is actually one of the more selfless people I know.”
“I can hear you both. Believe it or not, I am sitting right here.”
Both of them don’t look all that impressed by my declaration and I’m starting to get annoyed. Hurt and annoyed.
“Will you tell me why the two of you are no longer buddy-buddy?” Kate asks him. “I can’t get her to spill the beans.”
“And that’s my cue,” I say, standing up and moving baby Will so he can go to his mother. Kate accepts her baby, drawing him into her chest and tenderly kissing his forehead. “I love you, mama duck, even if you can be a bigmouthed, nosy bitch.” I wink so she knows I don’t actually mean my words. Well, at least not the bitch part. She is bigmouthed and nosy. “I’ll see you later.”
I lean down to kiss baby Leah on the head, ignoring the way Kyle stiffens as I get closer to him. And then I turn around and leave. I can’t sit there with him hating on me, and Kate fishing for information I’d rather she not have.
I get to the elevator after removing my gown and rewashing my hands. You practically have to be covered from head to toe in hospital stuff and scrub your entire body to get into the NICU. But instead of hitting the down button, I find myself lingering, walking over to the large window at the end of the hall and looking out at nothing. I don’t even see the view. I could care less. I’m waiting.
Five minutes pass, and I’m still out here alone, wondering just how much longer I’ll continue to torture myself. He’s not coming after me. And even if he did, then what? I keep going around and around with this crap in a never-ending vicious cycle, unable to control my warring thoughts.
Reality versus desire.
Kyle may think I’m selfish, and I suppose that’s my fault. I’ve never given him a reason to think otherwise.
“Fuck this shit,” I mutter at the glass before spinning on the heels of my Toms and slamming my fist into the call button.
The elevator dings announcing its arrival. I step in the moment the doors part, but just before they close, a hand reaches in between them, making them ding loudly before parting again. Kyle steps in, and I’m surprised to see him. He looks surprised to see me still here too. But before I can say anything to him, another person steps on. A doctor. A hunk of a doctor actually, if first glances are anything to go by. I get a once over from him that practically has me rolling my eyes.
Kyle hisses something inaudible under his breath, and then the doors close, carrying the three of us down in awkward silence. There isn’t even cheesy instrumental pop music from the eighties to break the tension.
The doctor is standing in front of and between Kyle and me. We’re like a makeshift triangle, so every time either of them moves, I can’t help but watch. Kyle edges ever so slightly in my direction, his fists balled up so tight I can see the fine detail in each of his white knuckles.
The doors ding and the elevator opens. The doctor turns around in my direction. “You getting off?”
God, I could do so much with that sentence. But instead, I shake my head.
“Okay, then, have a nice day.” He smiles at me, and it’s warm and inviting.
“You too,” I mumble blandly, and my eyes don’t linger on him as he steps out, allowing the doors to close behind him.
“I’m surprised you didn’t take him up on his offer,” Kyle sneers at me.
“Not interested,” I reply honestly.
Kyle lets out a bitter guffaw that says he doesn’t believe me. Fine. Let him be like this.
“You didn’t stay very long,” I remark, looking over at him as we continue to descend into the bowels of the hospital.
“I couldn’t. I have to be somewhere in an hour.”