by Mel Darbon
“Why? Are you the chin police?” Ben pushes his plate away.
Dad is about to speak but Mum puts her hand on his arm and shakes her head. “Could we have one meal that doesn’t end in an argument with you and Ben? Thank you… Rose, darling, are you feeling okay?” She rests the soft bit of her hand on my forehead. “You haven’t got a temperature but you’re as white as a sheet.”
“I’m going to bed, Mum. I’m not hungry.”
“Oh, Rose.” She rubs my back. “You go on up and I’ll bring you some hot chocolate in a bit.”
“Nothankyou. I want to be with just me.”
As I go out the door Dad says, “Give it another couple of weeks and she’ll have forgotten all about Jack.”
I march back into the room. “I won’t. I’ll never forget about Jack.”
I run upstairs making my feet stomp on the stairs. Winniebago tries to follow me. I send her back to the kitchen. Her tail hides between her legs. I need to be with just me. I need a Jack plan.
I text Lou. She will help me. Best friends help each other all the time.
How do I get to Bryten on the trane? X
Y? X
Im going to c Jack X
When? X
Don’t know soon X
U got another card from him then? X
No X
Good X
Y good? I want anuther Jack card X
Ur dad would c the other cards had gone if u had, cos u said he gets to the post 1st as he’s up early X
Yes I did I 4got that X
How come u r going to c Jack then? X
Just am X
Tell me when u do X
Ok XXX
I put three kisses cos I feel wrong that I’m not telling her the truth.
Cool. Give me time to work out the journey to Brighton and then I’ll email it to u.
XXX
I can’t tell her I’m going tomorrow. I don’t want to get her in trouble.
I sit on my big cushion and try and see Jack in Brighton. It won’t come. I go to one of our happy places with just us. By his garden pond.
The night has come out. All the birds have gone to sleep. The moon shines in a white ball on the water. Jack and me sit on the bench by the pond. We watch a frog puffing its chest in and out in the moonlight. It makes us laugh. We kiss for a long time, not wanting to let each other go. I snuggle up to Jack to stop the wind making goose bumps on my arms. The trees moan and rustle and tap their branches on each other. A lady fox shrieks in the distance. I shiver.
“What was that?” Jack says jumping up from the bench, making me startle.
“What?” I scared-whisper into the air.
“That.” He points at a tiny black shape swooping over the pond. Then another and another. “OMG! They’re bats! Rosie, look at the bats. They’re so cool – they’re catching the flies.”
He takes my hand and we crouch down low and watch the bats dancing over the moon-lit water lilies. I rest my head on Jack’s shoulder and close my eyes and listen to his sing-song breathing in the dark…
I kept waking up last night. I had to check my purple bag. I did it three times; to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. Clothes. Money. Jack cards. Tube train map that Grandma got for me when I went to the biggest Topshop ever, in London. Snacks.
I’m more tired than when I went to bed. I want to climb back under my covers and wake up again. With Jack next to me. That would be the best.
Day-dreaming is no good. It won’t find Jack.
I go over my journey. Lou worked it out for me. I still didn’t tell her I was going today. I have to go up high to London to get back down low to Brighton. I don’t get why you can’t go in a straight line.
Lou wrote my journey out for me last night. She always does the difficult stuff for me. I help Lou with everything else. Eating. Getting her books. Dancing in her wheelchair at discos…and getting her to all the places she needs to be. Especially in college.
She made my journey to Brighton on her laptop and sent it in my email box. I printed it out on my new printer on my desk which I got for my college work. Ben was jealous, as he has to share Mum and Dad’s. He’ll get his own when he goes to Henley College.
I look very hard at Lou’s email. I’m not great at reading, but it helps keep a memory in my head. I put the paper flat on my desk. I tick as I read. I’m using a green-leaf pen.
1 Henley-on-Thames to Paddington Station. (Get a train before morning 10 on the clock or you’ll have to change at Twyford.)
2 At Paddington get the under-the-ground train to Victoria Station. District and Circle line. Yellow line. Seven stops. Going west.
3 At Victoria Station get the Brighton train. On top of the ground. 1 hour and 1 minute to Brighton.
4 Find Jack. Look at his address on card number 5. I think you said number 5.
I pull my bag out again to check the cards. It is number five. Tick. My sweaty hand smudges the number, so I go over it with my pen.
I can hear Mum going downstairs for breakfast. A bit of sick comes up in my mouth.
I picture Jack in my head. He smiles at me and sticks his thumb up. I finish my list ticks and go down to the kitchen.
“How are you feeling, love?” Mum peers at me closely. “You look wiped out. Why don’t you give college a miss today? I can work from home if you like – I’ve got a huge amount of paperwork. We could have a duvet afternoon and watch a film?”
“NO!”
Mum steps back, frowning. “Don’t be like that, I’m only trying to help.”
That makes me feel wrong inside, but I can’t stay at home. If I do, I don’t think I’ll ever go and find Jack. It has to be now-go. When I have talked myself into going to Brighton.
“SorryMum. I’mokaythankyou, Mum. I want to go to college.”
“You’re right, best to keep busy.” Her finger gently strokes my face. Her nice makes me not so brave. “Have some toast, darling, you can’t go to college on an empty stomach, especially since you didn’t eat anything last night.”
The radio talks quietly on the shelf. Mum turns it up to hear the news. I’m thinking so hard about what I’m going to do I only hear bits of the radio man.
“…taken on her journey to school…found in river…dead for several days.”
I go all cold and goose bumpy. I don’t understand everything the radio man said, but I know a girl got taken away and killed dead. That’s badbadbad… I’m going on a journey to Jack. All by myself…but she was only twelve years old and I’m sixteen and ten months. I can look after myself.
“I can’t bear to listen to it,” Mum says switching the radio off. “That poor girl and her poor, poor family, having to go through it all.” Mum’s voice sounds broken up.
Ben charges into the room and grabs a bit of my toast. “I’m late, have to meet Angus.” He rubs me on the head as he goes past.
“Gently, Ben, and goodbye to you too.” Mum half laughs. “At least he spoke this morning.” She smooths down my hair where Ben muffled it up. “I don’t know.” Mum checks her watch. “Right, ten past eight, we need to get going or we’ll both be late. Are you sure you want to go in today?”
I’m not. But I have to. Jack needs me.
“Let’sgoMum.”
We go out to the car. Winniebago wants to come with me. She follows me out the door and tugs at my coat. I wish she could come with me. Like Toto in The Wizard of Oz. ’Cept Winniebago is too big to go in my bag.
“For goodness’ sake, what’s the matter with Winnie today? I don’t need this. Here are the keys – go and sit in the car, Rose, while I put this wretched dog in the kitchen. What on earth have you got in that bag of yours? It looks like it’s going to burst.”
I slide into the seat. I put my bag under my feet so Mum can’t see it. I clip my seat belt on. You must always wear a seat belt. In my pocket I have a Jack card. A little picture-fly buzzes all over it. I read it to help me have brave.
Jack isn’t Jack without me.
<
br /> Mum slams the front door. I put my card away and hold my hand over my pocket. I keep Jack safe and warm.
Mum jumps in the car. “I had to give Winnie some bacon bits to calm her down. I don’t know what’s got into her. Oh no, is that the time? It’s eight twenty-five already, we need to get a move on.”
Mum chatters all the way to college. I’m glad cos I don’t want to speak. Mum would know something was up with me. Like Winniebago.
She drops me off at the corner of Dean Street with easy parking. She leans over to hug me. “Oh, you’re wearing your butterfly brooch. I thought you didn’t like wearing it to college?”
“It makes me think of Jack.”
“Yes, of course.” Mum does a big sigh. “Bye, Rose, I love you, my darling.”
I hug her tight. I don’t want to let her go. Then I think of Jack. “Bye, Mum. I love you too.” I get out and stand on the pavement and watch her drive down the road. A lorry comes round the corner and blocks her out. I go and hide myself down the side bit of the youth club hut. Near to the college building. No one can see me. It’s freezing cold, but I’m sweating all over me. I get my phone and ring Jess. I have to ring Jess cos she’s like a grown up. My heart is hitting my chest so hard I think it will explode out.
“Hi, Rose. You okay?”
“Yesthankyou. I mean no. Idon’tfeelwell. Ineedyoutotell college.”
“I’m not in college this morning, Rose. I’m all packed and ready to go to the airport. I’m off on my gap year, remember? I don’t have much time. Why can’t your mum ring them?”
“No! No, Jess. Mum can’t. She’s at work already. College will be cross if no one rings.”
“Well, okay then… I guess I can ring them. I’ll do it as soon as we get off the phone, but make sure your mum lets them know too, as soon as she can.”
“I will.” I’m about to say I promise. I can’t. That would make it a worse lie.
“Keep warm. I’ll see you when I’m back. Love you. Woohoo!”
“Bye, Jess. Thankyou. Love you too.”
I see my face in the window of the youth club hut. I don’t want to look at me. Over the road I hear the college bell go for starting the day. I pull my hood up and walk up the high street to get to the station. My breath steam-train puffs in and out. I dig my hands down to the bottom of my pockets to stop the cold biting them. My fingers find my lucky sixpence coin that my granddad gave me when he was on top of the ground. I hold it tight.
My bag bumps against my leg all the way up the road to Henley-on-Thames train station.
The ticket man is on his mobile phone. I get my list out to check what I need to do. My hands are being clumsy and I drop it. It floats down to the floor and flies away from me. I try and stop it with my boot.
“D’you need a hand, miss?” the ticket man shouts through the speaking hole.
“NothankyouI’mokay.”
I’m not. I’m hot and bothered up. I have a talking to myself and pick my list up off the floor. I go over it but it doesn’t look easy any more. I need a ticket to London Paddington… Do I get a different ticket for the Victoria bit? And Brighton? I tap on the glass to get the ticket man to help me.
“I’ll call you back in a minute. Now, what can I do for you, young lady?”
I hold my list up to show the ticket man. “Ineedlotsoftickets andIdon’tknowhowtodoit.”
“Whoa, slow down, love, let me have a look at this – pass it through that gap there.” He takes my list and holds the bit of paper out in front of him. Like my dad does. A hundred miles away from his face. He smiles at me. “No problem, we can sort all this out here.”
I smile my nicest Rose smile at him.
“For a start, there’s an easier route I can show you—”
“Nonono. I have to do my journey. I know it in my head. Lou told it to me.”
The ticket man shakes his head. “It’s up to you, missy, but you’re making it difficult for yourself. Now, do you want a single or return ticket?”
“Return, please. I’m bringing Jack home.”
“So, return today?”
I look at him and I realize that I don’t know. “I think so. Will I need a ticket for Jack?”
“He can get a ticket at the other end. Are you sure you’re going to be all right, love? Don’t you have anyone to travel with you?”
I make myself as tall as I can. “I’m fine thankyouverymuch. I’m in-de-pen-dent.”
He frowns at me as he pushes the tickets through the gap. “As long as you’re sure… That’s thirty-five pounds and fifty pence, please.”
“That’s all my birthday money. But Jack is the best present ever.”
“I’ve put your tickets in the order you’ll need them, but you can always ask the ticket collector at the other end to help you.”
“Okaythankyou.”
I put my change with my Waitrose work money. I hold tight to my tickets and walk to the far end of the station. So I don’t have to talk to people. Cos I’m always friendly and chatty. I pull my hood right over my face to keep it hiding.
Through the trees I can see the playground on the other side. My grandma took me there when I was little. I can hear the children shout. When I close my eyes I’m on the swings. My grandma pushes me higher and higher, until my feet touch the sky. The wind blows over my face, tickling my skin. I point my toes out to tap the clouds. I like that picture in my head.
I keep my eyes closed and go over everything I’ve done all by myself. I’m pleased with me. I sorted my tickets and I’m going to be on the train very soon. I think about Jack and his smile when he sees me later. My stomach flutters.
“Hi…R…Rose. What are y…y…you d…doing here?”
I come back to the ground with a bump. It’s Danny Parker. He’s in my classes at college.
“R…R…Rose?”
“How did you know it was me?” I whisper to him.
“P…p…p…purple…b…” He points twice.
My purple boots. My purple bag. I’m stupidstupidstupid. Everyone can see I’m Rose. I get up and stand behind one of the station pillars. Danny Parker follows me.
“Go away, Danny!”
He looks sad at me but carries on standing next to me. “What are you d…d…doing?”
“Nothing.”
“Why have you g…got all those t…t…tickets?”
I shove them in my pocket. “I haven’t.”
Danny scratches his head. “You’re b…bonkers. I saw them.”
I look around to make sure no one can hear us. “I’m going to find Jack. But it’s a secret. Promise not to tell anyone?”
“I like s…secrets.”
“Promise?”
“C…c…cross…m…m…m—”
“Okaythankyou. I believe you.”
“H…here comes your t…train. It’s a diesel multiple unit with a top speed of a hundred and forty-five miles per hour.” He gets out a notebook and writes in it, before he walks up to the very end of the platform.
The train whistles round the corner and slowly stops. Lots of students get off. I don’t know any of them to talk to. That makes me feel better. I’m about to get on the train when I see Mrs Roper getting off it. If she sees me she’ll take me back to college. I have her for speech therapy today. I run back behind the pillar and hide me as much as I can. I see Danny running up the platform towards me. I make the word “NO” with my mouth and shake my head from side to side but he keeps coming. I make a cross face.
He runs straight past and shouts, “Mrs R…Roper! Can I w…walk up to c…college with you?”
I’m shaky all over as I jump onto the train. I peek back over my shoulder and see Danny holding onto Mrs Roper’s arm. He looks round and grins at me. I give him a big wave. I find a corner seat and rest my face against the window glass. It cools down my hot cheek. I smile at myself. A lady in the next seat smiles back at me. Mum says I always make people happy.
The train starts to move.
I’m on my way
to Jack.
Nothing can go wrong now.
Paddington Station makes me invisible. People rush past. I like being invisible Rose.
When I look up, I see a soldier standing on the wall. I don’t know why he’s here. He’s not real. My granddad was a soldier. This soldier looks very young. He’s wearing a helmet, and a knitted scarf like my grandma made for me. And a big heavy coat. It must have been very cold where he was fighting. I bet he was scared. Granddad said the bombs were loud and made the men scream. This soldier is reading a letter. I think it’s a letter from his girlfriend. I bet his dad wouldn’t take it away from him.
I need to stop wasting my time up and find the tube train. So I can get to Jack. I pat my bag where I’ve put my postcards from him.
I hope that soldier over there went home. I hope I get Jack home.
I need to find the tube train sign. I remember it looks like a planet. My granddad used to look at stars and planets through his telescope. I have to get the District and Circle line to Victoria. Yellow line. Seven stops. Going west.
My bag is heavy so I rest it on the ground. A little boy runs up to me. He has a red balloon on a string. He stops in front of me and peeps round his balloon.
I shout, “Boo!”
The little boy squeals.
A lady grabs his arm. “Come here, George!”
“George playing with girl, Mummy.”
“Not now, George.”
She frowns at me and drags him away. The little boy keeps looking back over his shoulder. I watch him until he disappears behind people’s legs. All I can see is the red balloon, bobbing up and down.
I must get a move on. District and Circle line to Victoria. Yellow line. Seven stops. Going west.
I don’t know where to go. Everything is so big and busy. I make my eyes move around the station. People get in the way. Then I see a lady with a big hat standing under the planet sign. I keep my eyes on the sign so I don’t lose it in the people.
“Watch where you’re going, love!”
“Sorrythankyou. I have to watch the planet.”
The man looks at the ground and walks away.
The lady with the hat is hugging another lady now. I follow people down the steps to where the trains are. People don’t care if they push you.