by Mel Darbon
“Christ! Why so early today? We only just got up.”
“It’s still breakfast.”
“You’re always moaning, you two, come on, it’s nearly the lunch time, so smile, show me those sexy moves.”
My glass is empty but I don’t remember drinking it. Courtney fills it up. They dance around the table. The room starts to go round and round with them. I can’t stop it.
Someone near me shouts, “Watch out! She’s going to—”
“WhereamI? WhereamI?”
“Shu’ up.”
“WHEREAMI?WHOPUTMEHERE?”
“Me an’ Courtney, now shu’ the fuck up.”
Something hits me on the head. It’s a toy rabbit. My head thump thumps. Pictures punch in and out of it. My stomach squeezes tight. Stuff gurgles up.
“Not over Jaycee’s bed, you loser!”
Lisette shoves something under my mouth. I grip it until all the sick has gone.
“For God’s sake, all over the bed. It stinks.”
“Getitoffme! Getitoffme!”
“YOU get it off. Why should I clean up your mess? It’s my bedroom that’s rank cos of you.”
“I want my mum.”
I pull the curtain round me cos the duvet is covered in sick and hide in the dark. It starts to pull away from me but I hold on tight.
Lisette hiss-whispers at me, “That ain’t gonna get this shit cleaned up, so get up! If Janek sees this he’ll go mental.”
“You can’t see me! You can’t see me!”
“What? Stop that baby chantin’. Stop it! Janek’s room is above ours. Please don’t wake him up. I don’t want nothing to happen to us.”
The curtain is pulled out of my hands.
“Rose needs a hospital.”
“What d’you expect if you knock back vodka like that?”
“Rose didn’t know. Rose might die.”
“Don’t be a drama queen. And. Keep. Your. Voice. Down,” she hisses. “Believe me, you don’t wanna see that man angry.”
She looks behind her at the door. Her eyes are wide. And full of frightened.
A tear rolls down my face. “RosewantsJack.”
Lisette throws her hands in the air. “What’s with the Rose shit? Stop actin’ like a toddler.”
“I’m not a toddler.”
“All you do is whine, so just get out of bed and clean up this puke. You ain’t got Mummy to run after you now.”
Lisette stands with her hands on her hips. Her face is full of cross. Her eyes are full of tears. She lifts up her big T-shirt and wipes them away. Her legs are very thin.
“Is it today still?”
“Of course it’s today.”
“When I arrived day?”
“For fuck’s sake – oh, I get it, no it’s next day. You slept for hours, all the rest of Saturday and all night.”
“I vanished a day. Nonono. I was going to Jack.”
“Go and clean up, your smell makes me want to vomit.”
I don’t move. I think I’ll do more sick if I move.
Lisette grabs a can of orange by her bed and drinks. “Sit in your puke if you want to.” She climbs back into her bed and pulls her covers up to her nose.
I look down at my front and I start to proper cry. I can’t stop. Lisette gets her pillow and puts it over her face.
I hurt all over and inside. I open my mouth and do loud crying.
Lisette throws her covers off and smacks her hand over my mouth. I choke. I can’t breathe.
“Shut it, Rose, I ain’t telling you again; you’ll…wake…Janek and then we’re for it. Didn’t you hear me before?”
She takes her hand away and puts a finger to her lips. Her face is worried white. We look at each other. All her cross-patch has gone. Her hands are shivering, so I take one and squeeze it. My mum does that to me.
“Go and wash, you smell really gross.” She pulls her hand away and pinches her nose. She wrinkles it up. “You got wash stuff? Great, take that dressing gown on the floor if you like, while I deal with this lot. I’ll go chuck it in the machine… Why are you standing there, starin’?”
“Tosaythankyou.”
Lisette goes pink. She starts to roll up the sick.
I see me in the mirror by Lisette’s bed. I can’t believe it’s me. My eyes are red and my hair has bits of sweetcorn in it. And there’s tomato sauce on my cheek. I don’t want to find Jack like this. I’m a night mare.
Lisette goes out the room with the sheets, holding her arms out in front of her. I keep staring at this Rose I don’t like. I can’t stop.
“Move it, I feel like shit.” Lisette gets back into bed and curls up in a ball. “Bathroom’s on the right just down from this room.” She pulls the duvet over her head.
I go to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. I’m so thirsty I drink from the tap. I get a picture of Mum inside me. I could ask Lisette if I can ring my mum. To tell her I’m okay. On her phone cos my phone got lost with my money and my tickets. But I haven’t seen Lisette’s phone. Or Courtney’s. I can’t remember Mum’s number anyway. And I don’t want Mum to take me home. I have to get to Jack. Janek promised he’d take me to Jack. I try and get rid of Mum in my head. She would be so upset to see me like this. I slept in my day clothes. I’m not going to do that again.
I’m so happy Jack can’t see me like this. He wouldn’t want to go out with sick-covered Rose.
I must clean up and get to Brighton. Everything will be all right. I wonder what he is doing, and if he is learning not to lose his temper. I want that more than anything. Then we can be together in Henley-on-Thames.
He wouldn’t believe me in this house. He would say it wasn’t a Rosie house.
My sick smell stops me thinking of Jack. This bath is disgusting. It has a brown ring around the top and the paint is missing on the side. I try and rub the yucky brown away with toilet paper but it won’t go. My head is in a drum roll. I have to hold onto the sink so I don’t fall over. I must get ready to go. After I wash I will find Janek. He can take me to Jack. He promised. On his heart.
I stand in the bath and use the hand shower to clean myself. I watch as all the mess washes away. I think and think.
I think Janek shouldn’t promise on his heart.
Promises should be real.
“She’s been a long time, Court, I hope she hasn’t drowned.”
“Hope she has, you mean.”
Courtney is horrible all the time. I don’t say nasty things to her. She’s sitting on Lisette’s bed and blowing lines of smoke up to the ceiling. She jumps when I come into the room.
“Shit, you look like ET in that.”
I put the hood of the dressing gown down. “What d’you mean?”
“Nothin’. Come on, babe, let’s go chill downstairs cos I don’t wanna see that naked.” Courtney grabs Lisette’s hand and pulls her off the bed.
I’m left on my own. I’m happy I’m with just Rose.
A can of Coke by the bed is smoking. It looks like a snake twisting out of the hole. I’m so tired and sickie. I can’t be. Today I get the train.
I find my tablets for my headaches and finish up my bottle of water in my bag. I get dressed in Jack’s best jumper he gave me. It feels like he is holding me all around.
I go downstairs to the kitchen. I hear Lisette’s voice saying something. I stand in the doorway. There are lots of bottles on the table. And messy pizza boxes.
Lisette’s fridge gazing. That’s what Ben does. It makes Mum ir-ri-table.
“Oh, it’s you.” She frowns. “The kettle’s over there if you want it. Can you use one? Don’t touch Danka’s coffee in the white pot.”
“Who’s Danka?”
Lisette points over my shoulder. “She is.”
A beautiful lady floats across the kitchen floor. She’s holding a pale pink cigarette with a gold end. “You have light, Lisette?”
The lady sits down on the edge of the table. I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s Snow White in my
old story book. She’s wearing a shimmery red dressing gown, covered in painted birds. She has night-black hair. It touches her bottom.
Lisette takes the lady’s cigarette and lights it on the cooker flame before passing it back to her. She takes a big puff which makes her cough and cough.
“Smokingkills.”
She doesn’t hear me. She rubs between her eyes and gets up and walks away. “Bring me coffee, darlink.”
Her voice is deep and papery. Her dressing gown flutters out behind her as she goes into the next-door room.
“That lady is beautiful.”
“Yeah, she is. Don’t go pestering her, Danka likes to keep to herself first thing.”
Lisette comes over and puts a spoon under my chin, pushing my mouth shut. “Put your tongue away.”
She looks unkind again. I’m going after breakfast.
I don’t think I want any breakfast.
“Are you gonna come into the kitchen or what?”
“Does that lady live here?”
“Yeah.”
“Is she your mum?”
“Don’t be stupid! She’s Janek’s girlfriend.”
“You look like her.”
Lisette looks pleased. “Here, I’ll find you somethin’ to eat to soak up the alcohol.” She opens a cupboard and grabs a packet of Coco Pops. “Sit down and put that bag of yours out the way before I chuck it in the bin. Ha ha, you should see the look on your face. Don’t worry, I won’t touch your precious bag.”
She puts a bowl in front of me. The spoon follows, clattering on the china.
“Well sit down then.”
“Where are your mum and your dad, Lisette?”
She makes a lot of noise stirring the coffee before saying, “Talk proper. I told you before it’s LISETTE. Don’t you ever learn?”
“I learn lots at Henley College… Where are your mum and your dad?”
“I don’t have a mum and dad. Okay?”
“Why are you in this house? I don’t understand this house.”
She turns to me. “Who does?”
“How old are you?”
“What’s it to you?”
I look at my soggy Coco Pops. Everything I say is wrong. Not like in Henley-on-Thames.
I glance up at her from underneath my fringe.
“Stop lookin’ like that, Christ, I’m fifteen. Happy now? Fifteen last March.”
“My brother Ben is fifteen and he has to go to school. How can you be here then?”
Lisette shakes her head. “I don’t know where the fuck I’d begin.”
Lisette has gone to be with Danka and Courtney in the sitting-down room. Courtney didn’t say hello as she walked past me. She took the cigarette from Lisette’s mouth and pulled her away. I’m glad.
This cereal tastes dusty. I eat it cos my stomach is empty and I need to stop it spin-drying. The television is on in the other room. I like television, but I’d rather stay here. I have to plan my journey. By myself.
I get my photos out of my bag and lay them on the table. Seeing them makes me Rose again.
My brother Ben smiles at me. His freckles have grown because it’s summer in the picture. Dad used to tease me and say he drew them on Ben’s face with a crayon. I can see Mum behind my brother in the picture. I’ve put a bit of sticking plaster over Dad’s head, cos I don’t want to see him. Mum’s curly, gold hair is tied up in a green scarf that matches her eyes. She doesn’t smile with all her mouth cos she has a crooked tooth. I think she’s beautiful.
All my other pictures are of Jack. His hair is curly like Mum’s, ’cept his is the colour of dark chocolate. He has eyes that are forget-me-not blue. They are my favourite flower. They grow at the bottom of Grandma’s garden by the honeysuckle. Jack has a tight white T-shirt on in my last photo. He’s tanned from being on his friend’s boat on the River Thames.
“Wow! He’s cute!”
“Givememypictureback!”
“No need to spaz out, I was just lookin’.”
Lisette hands me my photo back.
“That’s Jack,” I say proudly.
“You are kiddin’ me! He’s fit, but he ain’t got Down’s thingy has he?”
“No.”
“Why does he go out with you?”
I throw my spoon on the table. “He loves me.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Lisette eats cereal straight from the box. “Sort of, what’s up with him then? He’s been sent away, right?”
“His brain got hurt when he was born.”
“Shame. What a waste.”
Courtney shouts from the sitting-down room. “What you doin’, Lisette? Get your butt in here.”
“Hang on!” She stuffs some more cereal in her mouth.
“Will you take me to the station, Lisette? I’m going to Jack today.”
“No!” Coco Pops shoot out her mouth. “You can’t ask that cos Janek will—”
“Janek will what, suko?”
He’s leaning against the door. Lisette goes up to him and places her hand on his chest. He has hair curling out the top of his shirt. She picks up the gold cross on a chain round his neck and reaches up and taps him on the end of his nose with it. I don’t like looking at them. But I can’t stop.
“Janek…will…what?” He takes his cross back and moves her fringe out of her eyes with it.
Lisette talks in a funny, little girl voice. “Janek will want me to buy some clothes for Rose so she can look pretty at the next party.”
He tucks his necklace down into his shirt. “Get me coffee.”
Janek walks past me but I grab his sleeve. “We go to Jack today?”
“What is rush?” He pulls away from me. “You stay and have good time; Lisette will buy clothes to party.”
“Nothankyou.”
“You will stay as long as I say, kochanie.”
“Nothankyouverymuch.”
He walks away but he turns his head. “You do as Janek say, baby, then everything will come up Roses!”
He laughs and laughs as he leaves the room.
“Did he make a joke, Lisette?”
She looks at me and doesn’t say anything. She shakes her head. “Don’t know why he’s laughing.”
“He promised he’d take me to Jack today. Hepromised hepromised.”
Lisette flaps a tea towel at me and puts her finger on her lips.
“Come in here, both of you,” Janek calls from the other room.
“I don’t want to go in there.”
Lisette looks right in my face. “Don’t you get it? Just do as you’re told if you don’t want us all to get hurt.”
“Whywouldweallgethurt?”
“Where’s coffee? Are you picking the bloody beans?” Janek shouts from the other room.
Lisette picks up Janek’s cup and pushes me in front of her. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want anyone else to be hurt. There is a lump of scared inside me. It was hidden by getting to Brighton and Jack. I knew the scared was there, but I didn’t pay attention to it. I can see it now and I feel sick from frightened.
Janek waves a hand at me. “Sit.” He doesn’t look. He points to an old armchair. I sink down into a hole and my legs stick out in front of me.
I don’t think Janek is going to take me to Jack. He wants to for ever keep me. I don’t know who can help me. Not Courtney. Not the beautiful lady. I don’t know her. Lisette can be mean. But inside-Lisette is kind. She could help me get out of the house. In secret. I shiver.
I look at the television to block out the not-good pictures running in and out of my eyes. It shows some people icing a Christmas cake. I do that with Grandma. I can’t look any more. I don’t want to fall into pieces.
Danka picks the varnish off her nails. There is a pile of little red bits on the carpet. Janek tries to kiss her but she pushes him away. He puts his hand inside her dressing gown.
I want him to stop. “Leaveheralone!”
Janek knocks his coffee over. “Kur
wa!”
Danka sits up and looks right at me. Her eyes go big. “Why is this girl here?”
Janek waves his hand at Lisette and Courtney. “Clean this up.”
Danka turns to me. “I have a brother like you, back home in Poland. I miss him very much.”
A phone rings. Janek stands up and goes into the kitchen. Lisette and Courtney are wiping up the coffee. They whisper and keep peeking at Danka. She’s holding her head in her hands. The television carries on icing the cake.
“Pay attention! Pete is coming tonight. Lisette, go get clothes for Rose, something sweet and pretty, not these, what do you call them, motor-biker boots?” As he talks, Janek kicks my purple Dr Martens with his foot.
“Ilovemyboots.”
“Sure you do, baby, but no one parties in ugly boots. Come, don’t look like that, you be pleased, yes? Every little girl wants princess dress. Lisette, get shoes too.”
“What size?”
“Why you ask me? You know this stuff.” He takes a big, big pile of money out of his pocket and gives some to Lisette. “And get something sexy for you.”
“Woohoo, shopping. Can Court come too?”
“No, she watch the girl, so go shop-shop, shop!”
“Sorry, Court. What’s your shoe size, Rose? Three?”
“Two and a half. I like my boots.”
“Yeah, but who don’t love new shoes? Reckon you’re a dress size six-to-eightish?”
I don’t answer. I don’t want baby shoes or a princess dress. I don’t want another party. Lisette shrugs and skips out the door.
“Hey!” Janek calls after her. “You watching how you behave, don’t be drawing the attention to yourself. And no disrespecting the neighbours…or the shopping staff.”
Lisette sticks her head back through the doorway. “Yeah yeah, I know. We ain’t got neighbours anyway.”
“We are having neighbours on the left side. No cheeking Janek or I’ll send Courtney out instead.”
“Bye!” Lisette shouts and we hear a door slam.
I want to go with her. But I don’t want shopping. I want Victoria Station. Circle line. I don’t know how many stops. I try and work it out but I don’t know where this house is. Courtney bangs round the room picking up all the mess. She sends me hate-eyes.