by Mel Darbon
Danka drifts over to me and wipes her thumb under my eye. She leans over and whispers, “Be strong, little one.”
When she stands up Janek has come into the room. He walks over to me. A bit of sick burns my throat.
“Pete will be here soon, so you smile, you play nice. You paying attention?” He holds a glass to my mouth. “Drink up!” Some spills down my chin. “Come come come, you not look, how you say here, down in the dumping place. You look after Pete, Pete will look after you. Ah, that must be him now. Danka, fill her glass and make sure she drink.”
IwantJackJackJackJack.Takemehometakemehome.
Danka sits on the arm of the sofa next to me. I grab her hand resting on my shoulder. I can see the man with the sparkle in his tooth who drove the car come into the kitchen. I watch him through the doorway. He is pushing his finger into Janek’s chest.
I scream in my head.
Janek comes into the room and switches the music off. Everyone stands in musical statues.
Janek is red in the face. “Get her out of here!” he hisses between his teeth.
I don’t know who has to get out. No one moves but all the heads turn to me.
Janek shouts, “The streets are being searched by the pigs. Looking for runaway like her.” He grabs Lisette by the arm. “You stupid bitch! She was seen on the bus. Now they are door to door searching all the area.” His spit lands on her face. He turns and points at me. “Why you not tell me the pigs look for you?”
All my words are gone. Everything has gone.
“Courtney! Lisette! Up to room. You know story if you have to talk. I will answer door. Danka, sort the guys. You” – he stabs his finger in my chest – “are with me.”
Ican’tgowithhim.
Janek grabs my arm and pulls me along behind him.
“You are hurting her, please, darlink, let me take her.”
“Shut it, suka!” He slaps Danka’s face. No one moves.
I start to scream. Janek holds his hand over my mouth. He growls as he takes me out of the room. He pushes me down on the floor and starts to pull away the wood bits under the stairs. JackJackJackJackJackJackJack.
“Get in!”
“Nooooooooooo.”
Janek picks me up by my hair onto my feet. The pain shocks my mouth shut.
“You get in. You put blanket over you. You don’t make noise.”
He leans over me.
“Not…one…sound.”
One by one the wood bits go back. The light gets smaller and smaller.
Black.
PleaseGodhelpme. Our Father who art in heaven. Harold be thy name. Forgive our daily bread… I can’t remember the words.
It’s so dark in here. I’m scared. Where are you, Jack? Why did you get sent away? I want to see happy pictures in my head. It won’t work. Why did Jack hurt his teacher? I’m in this bad house. With badbad people.
What if I stay here for ever? I want my mum. MumMum Mum.
Something tickles my leg. Spiders! Don’tscreamRose. It will be okay. There aren’t any spiders. It’s the blanket tickling.
What’s that banging? Up and down. Fast. Slow. Up down. Up.
Black.
Somethingtickledmyleg.Pleasenospidersnospiders.
Jack. My Jack. I love you. You make me brave. I love you more than anything in the world.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET SENT AWAY?
Why are there pigs in the street? Janek said pigs. Oink, oink.
I don’t know why people want to hurt me. I’m kind Rose.
I’m so hot. Something sticking in my back is burning me. But I mustn’t move…
It hurts.
Jack said on Henley Bridge, I can do anything I want to. He told me I was brave and strong. And that he loved me for ever. I am brave and strong. Jack loves me for ever.
Thumpdown. Thumpup. Thumpup. Thump…down. It’s stopped outside me. I’m going to burst.
HE’S COMING TO GET ME.
A line of yellow hovers in front of my eyes. It gets bigger. I bite my tongue. I taste metal.
“Rose, Rose?”
I stick my fist in my mouth. I mustn’t make a noise.
“Rose, it’s okay, it’s Danka… Come on, sweetie, you coming out now.”
Not safe. Everyone bad.
The blanket is pulled off me. I hold it tight and try and keep it over me. “Leavemealone!”
The light hurts my eyes. Danka is foggy.
“Let me help you. Please, you come out now, so I clean you up.”
“Get off me! Leave me alone!”
“I’m so sorry you so scared. Poor, poor little Rose.”
I’m all scrunched up. Danka rubs my legs and I feel them buzz. It hurts to move.
“Come, little one, it’s going to be all right; that’s it, come out from that horrible place. Oh sweetie, you have lines of the tears running down your face.”
I can’t stand up. Danka sits me against the wall. I cry out as my back is burny.
“What is it? Is your back hurt?”
She pulls me gently forwards and lifts up the dress. “O jeny, you have burn from the hot pipe. I get you cream.”
I don’t want her to leave me by myself.
“I not be long, I will just go to the kitchen and get the medicine. You will feel so much better, yes?”
I let her fingers go. I pull the skirt of my dress up to cover my face. I block all the pictures out my head.
“Here we are, you letting me put cream on these sore bits.”
I bite the flannel Danka gives me to hold. She whispers to me while she puts the medicine on my back. It melts away the hot. She takes the flannel and washes my face. All the time she is trying not to cry. I reach out my hand to her face. “Is it n…next day?”
“Not quite but nearly past the midnight. It snows again.”
“I go home now?”
“I’m so sorry, Rose.”
My bag is next to me. “How did my bag get here?” I pull it onto my lap.
“I put it here, darlink, just now, ready for when you are going.”
Someone comes downstairs.
“Stop making fuss, get that dress off her and get her ready to go.” Janek goes out the front door.
Danka holds me tight to stop me trembling. She starts to undress me.
I won’t let her. “No! You can’t see me with no clothes on.”
“Here, I hold this blanket up and you do it yourself.”
She gives me my Rose clothes. I pull the dress at the front. Two buttons ping across the floor. “You help Rose. I can’t get it over the burny bit. Pleasethankyou.”
She lifts it over my head and drops the dress on the floor. She kicks it away. I put my Rose clothes on with shaky hands.
“Now, you must put on hat and coat, because it’s very cold outside.”
“Youcomewithme?”
“I…I can’t.”
“Lisette come with me?”
“No, she cannot go with you. Look at me; you find your way home and go back to your family; you DO it.”
“Findhome.”
I let Danka do up my coat. She puts the sore cream in my bag.
Janek comes back through the door. “We go.”
I want to get out of this house but I don’t want to go with him. I hold on to the stair post.
“Move now.” His eyes make me do as I’m told. I let go of the post. I hear someone run.
“WAIT!” Lisette throws herself at me. “Rose! Wait!” She grabs me and holds me very tight. She slips something into my pocket. “Find Jack,” she whispers into my ear.
Her T-shirt falls down off her shoulder. I can see her little blue butterfly. Its wings are trembling.
Lisette takes my hand and squeezes it. “You find him, Rose, d’you hear me?”
A tear falls down her cheek. I take my blue butterfly off my coat. To look after her. I know Jack won’t mind me sharing it. Lisette holds it tight, then she wraps her arms round me in a for-ever hug.
Janek yanks my h
ood then kicks his foot out at Lisette. “Get back inside.”
She doesn’t move.
Janek talks behind me. “Walk to the car like you are with your daddy and wave as you get into it. You will smile.”
Janek has his hand on my back. My bag swings beside him.
I walk.
I turn and wave to Lisette. I can’t smile. My mouth won’t make the shape.
I store her picture face inside myself.
Janek opens the car door and I climb in. He soft-shuts it. He climbs into the driving seat and starts the engine. “There is a coat next to you, lie down and cover yourself.”
ByebyeLisette.
The coat smells damp-mouldy. It makes me sneeze.
“I told you to be quiet.”
I want to cough but I won’t let me. I swallow and swallow. I keep my crying in.
I hear music. Grandma music with lots of words you can’t work out. And violins. I picture me on the sofa with Grandma. It gives me a little bit of strong.
I lift up a bit of coat. Janek has angry lines on his head. His phone rings. I don’t know what he says. He shouts at the phone and throws it onto the seat next to him. The car stops.
Janek thumps his hands on the driving wheel. “Come on, come on,” he says through his teeth.
I hear a click. Then smoke rolls out of his mouth. The car shoots forward. I go with it.
“I tell you not to move, kurwa!”
I make myself into a ball. There are too many bad pictures in me. I want to make good ones. I press my fingers into my eyes to push them in. It doesn’t work.
The car goes on for ever. I get hot under the coat. I need water. I say everyone’s name over and over. Jack, Mum, Ben, Lou, Jack, Jack, Jack. It hides all the awful.
The car starts to bump up and down.
Janek swears, “Fucking road ruin my car.”
The bumps hurt my head. Then it stops. I shiver and wait. A door opens and then another door. The coat is dragged off me. I wrap my arms round me and hold my scared in.
“A…am I at J…Jack’s?”
Janek doesn’t answer. He leans over me with his smoke breath. “Out.”
I crawl across the seat. I stop at the door. My breath comes out in a cloud. When my eyes can see through the dark, everything is covered in snow.
Janek frowns. “Hurry up! Get out!”
I hide my face in my hands. I’m dragged out of the car. He pulls my hands away from me. I won’t look up at him. The car lights shine on his snake boots.
Helpme.
Janek puts his face on top of mine. I try to turn away. He holds my chin with his hand and makes me look.
“If you tell anyone about the house, or me, or my girls, I will find you. I will find your family, I will find this Jack and I will kill them, I will kill them all…and then I will kill you. You are understanding?”
“Nahnahnah.” I try and get him off me. He lets go. I hear my mouth whimper.
“Głupi retard! Dlaczego przeszkadza.”
Janek gets back into the car and slams the door. The wheels squeal. Bits of ice fly into my face.
I watch as the red lights bend round the corner.
Janek is gone.
I stay watching, in case the lights come back.
In case Janek comes back to kill me.
I fall forwards onto my knees. I wish I had a thinking cap to help me and keep me warm. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know how to find where I am. Idon’tknow.
I can hear water. It’s so dark. In the distance I can see the shadow shape of a bridge. There’s a yellowy light glowing under it. I must walk to that light, but my knees are stuck in the snow. I’m too tired to stand up. My throat is sore.
I hear a car noise. I count out loud to block out the sound. Some wee comes out. It’s nice and warm. I curl up in a ball where I am. My bag makes a pillow with all my Jack in it. I take his photo out of my pocket and hold it on my heart. I keep my eyes on the bridge light. I’ll go there later. I’m too tired now.
Snow falls. It lands on my face. It covers me in a snow blanket.
“Good evening and welcome to Crimewatch. Our first appeal involves a missing sixteen-year-old from Henley-on-Thames and I’m joined in the studio by Chief Inspector Tim Jones from the Oxfordshire Police, who’s leading the search.”
“Hello, Kate.”
“Chief Inspector, Rose Tremayne was last seen two days ago.”
“Yes, that’s right. She left home just before nine in the morning on Friday, December the twelfth to head to Henley College. We’re anxious to trace a person who was seen accompanying Rose at Paddington Station later that morning. Was that person you? If so we’d very much like to speak to you as you could provide us with valuable information. And today someone fitting Rose’s description was seen on the C1 bus heading down the West Cromwell Road towards Shepherd’s Bush at approximately one o’clock. Were you on that bus?”
“Rose has Down’s syndrome, I understand. Has she disappeared from home before?”
“No, her family say this is completely out of character. However, she does have a boyfriend who’s currently in Brighton and we believe that Rose is trying to make her way to him. Due to the heavy snowfall we’re getting increasingly concerned for her safety. And, as you’ll appreciate, her family are desperate for news.”
“Thank you. We’re showing a picture of Rose on the screen now, anything you’d like to add?”
“Yes, Rose is just under five feet tall and was last seen wearing a black duffel coat, cream jumper and black jeans. Two particularly distinctive items which I would urge the public to look out for are her purple Doc Marten boots and a fake-fur bag covered in badges, which is also purple.”
“Thank you, Chief Inspector. If you see Rose or have any information about her whereabouts, please contact us here at Crimewatch or the Oxfordshire Police. Those numbers will appear at the bottom of your screen.”
I scream.
“She won’t hurt you.”
A square dog with pig eyes stares at me.
I push myself up to the wall. A boy squats in front of a big, big can with holes in the side. He feeds bits of tree into it and some newspaper. Flames burst out the top. The dog whines and pushes her nose against my leg. I push her away with my foot. She shuffles nearer on her bottom and fixes her eyes on me. I tuck my hands under my arms and hold myself tight.
I watch the boy closely. I don’t want him to hurt me.
He’s not big like Jack or Ben. His bird legs stick out from his coat. The fur on his hood has gone solid. He coughs and spits on the fire. It fizzles.
“That’sdirty.”
He looks round at me. “Sorry, I’m used to being on my own.”
He steps towards me. I bury my face inside my coat.
“I’m moving back. Don’t be scared.”
After two bits, I peep out to see where the boy has gone. The dog’s nose is on top of mine. She licks my face. I think of my dog, Winnie, and I hold my tummy to make the hurt go away. I can’t see the boy.
I’m in a tunnel. I can see sky out two ends. The colour of pigeon wings. I shiver. It’s damp and dark in here. The walls are old and the bricks are slimy-green. Water trickles down the sides. The fire light makes shadow dancers on the walls. I look for a way to get out, but the dog sits in front of me. If I move, her eyes follow me. They shine with flames.
I’m too scared to move.
The boy’s shape stands at the tunnel mouth. As he gets nearer I see he has a broken bit of wood in his arms. He puts it on the fire. The flames spurt out of the can. Red sparks shoot up to the top. In the light I see the boy’s white face. He has a few goldy-coloured hairs on his chin. And a big spot. He scratches it, making blood come out. He wipes it on his coat sleeve and walks back towards the light. The dog follows him. I can’t get up as my legs are too wonky.
“Stay there, Bella. I’m going to get some food.” The boy walks away.
She comes back and lies across my feet. I’m stuck. Bell
a and me look at each other. I stay very still.
My eyes are getting used to where I am. I’m not in a tunnel. I’m under a bridge. I can see a river just past the fire-can. Sometimes a water drop splashes on my face. I can smell wet mud and dog. I try and think backwards to how I got here cos my head can’t think forwards.
I rest my head on my knees and put my hands in my pockets, so the cold can’t touch so much of me. My fingers feel something and I remember Lisette put money in my pocket. “Find Jack.” Her share of money. Thankyouthank youthankyou. I wish Lisette could hear thankyou.
I can’t use it under this bridge.
Some voices speak outside. I look at the dog. She is showing yellow teeth. Don’t be Janek out there. Don’t be Pete. Notbadpeople.
The dog jumps up and runs towards the voices.
“Don’t leave me, dog!” I shout. I squash behind the fire-can as they might have heard me. I’m cross with me for being stupid. I cover my face so no one can see me.
A howl. One, two, three barks. Pleasedon’tbeJanek.
It’s gone quiet. I don’t know what’s happening. I check between my fingers to see. The dog runs back in and licks my face. I burst into tears.
I cry for Jack. I cry for my family. I cry for all the hurting inside me. And all the scared. The dog lifts its head up to the roof and joins in with me.
No one comes. My crying becomes a sniff and a hiccup. The dog lies back over my feet. I’m stuck here again. My back burns where the hurting is.
The river slaps against the sides of the wall. I find a bit of calm. I watch the river mist on top of the water. Like my Henley-on-Thames home. I get another crying lump in my throat. I try and push it down. The dog puts her feet on my knees and puts her head on one side. Her paws are gentle. She looks sad too. I slowly reach my hand out to touch her.
She’s a mix-up dog. Bits of brown. Bits of black and white. Her legs are bendy and her head looks too big for her. She rolls over on her back and puts her legs in the air. I rub her belly. My dog Winniebago loves that.
Jack loves dogs. Jack’s face is getting cloudy in my head. The outside world has gone. The only world is under the bridge. There is no Jack. No Mum or Dad. No Ben. They’ve all gone.