by Mel Darbon
“Not now, Bella, go back to Rose.”
She drops the can into the river and watches as it sails off into the distance.
“BELLA!” She comes back to me, tongue hanging out as she runs.
We go up some steps that are slimy-slippery. At the top Tom stands under a street light. It makes his hair gold.
“Keep close to me and don’t talk.”
I stick my thumb up at him.
It’s nice to see shops. Be on a street. I feel a bit of happy trying to push through my scared. ’Specially cos I see a tube train sign. I know I am nearer to Jack than I have been for a long time.
“All the charity shops are further down on the left. Bella will warn us if anyone is coming. Don’t look round if a car goes by and keep your face down.”
The first shop is Oxfam. I go into there a lot at home. I like vintage clothes. There’s one box outside. It’s got toys in. When I look at Bella she has a small, blue teddy bear with one eye in her mouth. She looks very happy with herself.
We stop at a shop I don’t know. There are quite a few different bags. All full to the top. I stand by Tom in the doorway. He hands me a pair of trainers that have lights in the bottom. They look my size shoe.
Tom whacks the shoes on the ground, turning the lights off. “Don’t want to draw any attention to you.”
Bella starts to growl. Tom pushes me behind him and stands up.
“Tom, mate. How are you doing?”
“I’m okay, Barney. What you up to, mate?”
“Tryin’ to get me some grog, see my hands are shaking – you got any?”
“No, Barney, I don’t drink, remember.”
“Shame.” He bends down and peers in my face. He has walnut skin and pinky eyes. He pats my head. “Who’s this little feller, then? Don’t be shy, say hello to your Uncle Barney.”
“He’s my cousin come to stay with me for a couple of days. Family trouble, you know what it’s like.”
“What’s your name, sonny…? What’s up, cat got your tongue?”
He smells bad. He has Janek breath and he can’t stand up properly.
A man voice calls his name from over the road. “Barney, come here.”
“Trigger! Got any grog?”
He turns and sways out the doorway. Tom and I look at each other and sigh.
“Thank God for that. Luckily he’s too pissed to have a clue about you. I can’t normally get rid of him that fast. He comes to mine for food sometimes and ends up staying a couple of days. Anyways, let’s get a move on, Rose, we’ve got everything we need now.”
A car goes past with very loud music shouting out the window. I can feel it jumping in my feet. Bella whines and looks up at Tom. The blue bear is still in her mouth.
Tom stops still and takes my hand. “There’s a police car up ahead so I’m going to stay very close to you, like we’re together.”
“We are together, Tom.”
“You know what I mean.”
I don’t, but I keep walking and not looking.
“Shit, that was tense. They’ve gone, let’s get home. I shouldn’t have brought you with me. They were clearly looking around. That big guy driving the police car looked right at me. I can’t get caught up in this; I don’t want them asking too many questions. I don’t wanna go back to my parents any more than you.” Tom looks sad and worried all at the same time. “Let’s get home fast.”
I stop and Tom keeps walking. I don’t understand where we are going. Bella scratches at me with her paw… Then I get it. Tom means his bridge is home. I wish I could take him to my real home. But I don’t think he’d want to come. Like Lisette. I hope she’s okay. I hear Tom shouting for me to hurry from up the road. Bella runs after his voice.
I’m by a window of a house. I peek through the side so they can’t see me. Two girls are on the sofa eating their dinner. The room is all lit up by a huge television. A man with grey hair fills up the screen. I can’t hear what he’s saying. Then my face comes up. My tummy does a loop and feels like it’s been hit. Tom is getting smaller. I can’t move from the window. It goes back to the grey man. Then I see a picture of my mum and my dad. I think Mum is crying and Dad is holding her hand very tight. I rest my hand on the glass cos I want to hold Mum. I’m so sorry, Mum. I wish I could hear what she is saying. Mum and I cry together. I feel the water running down my face.
“Are you okay?”
I jump in my skin and move away from the window. I turn and see a man and lady. The man stamps his feet in the cold.
The lady puts her hand on my shoulder. “Are you all right, love? You shouldn’t be out on – oh my God, Derek, it’s her, the girl who’s missing. Look, she’s there on the telly.”
“I can’t see anyone, just a bloke waving his hands about.”
“She was there! Look at the girl in front of you.”
My feet are stuck. My legs are stuck. My mouth can’t shout for Tom.
“He doesn’t look like a she to me. Where are the purple boots then?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Derek, give me your phone, now. I’m going to ring the police.”
“Ben! BEN!”
I watch Tom running towards me. He called me my brother’s name.
“I told you…to keep up…with me, Ben.” He gasps for his breath.
The lady puts the phone by her side. “You know this girl – boy?”
“My bro…ther.”
The lady looks from Tom to me and back to Tom. She’s frowning. “What do you think, Derek?”
He takes her arm and pulls her along the street. “I think we need to go home – I’m tired and bloody freezing.”
“But he looks just like the Down’s girl on the television who’s missing.”
“They all look like that, Ruth.”
She keeps looking over her shoulder until they go round the corner.
Tom rests his hands on his knees and groans.
“Rosesorry. Rose saw her mum crying on the television.”
“Shush, you don’t want anyone to hear you. Let’s go, the sooner we’re back under the bridge the better.”
We walk back in silence. All my bits of happy feelings have gone. I don’t want my mum to be upset on television.
Tom looks around him before speaking quietly. “You should ring your parents, Rose.”
“I can’t. The numbers went out my head when my phone died. And then I think a girl called Mia stole it from my bag.”
“That’s lousy. Try and get the numbers back. Think hard. How do you know where Jack is?”
“He’s in my bag.”
“Right, I know what you mean but you need to find real Jack as soon as possible, so we’ll go in the morning.”
We walk along in silence. I keep my face hidden. Bella has to run to keep up with us. My mum’s sadsad face won’t leave me. I hate it’s my fault. I didn’t want to make her crying-sad. Choosing is hard. Choosing means someone isn’t happy. I wish everyone could be happy.
Bella is running ahead now. She can see the bridge. The fire is still glowing a little bit. I want to lie down next to it and go to sleep for a long time. When I wake up I want everything to be better. When you’re grown up, that doesn’t happen.
“You climb in the sleeping bag, Rose, and I’ll make some tea for us.”
Bella whines at Tom. He tickles behind her ears. “Okay, old girl, I’ll get you something too.”
She turns in a circle, then walks over to me and drops her teddy bear onto my lap. I look at its little black eye shining in the firelight. Bella pushes the bear with her nose then looks at me.
“She’s giving you the bear as a present, Rose.”
I pick it up. It’s all soggy. “ThankyouBella.”
I know if I try and talk more my voice will choke up with crying. Bella curls up on my feet.
Tom hands me a mug of tea. It makes my hands feel better through my gloves.
“I want to hear my mum, Tom.”
“You said you couldn’t remember her numb
er, Rose.”
“No, I mean I want to hear what she said on the television.”
“Maybe that’s not a good idea because it will upset you too much, plus it’s too risky. You’re going to be with Jack tomorrow so you can ring her then, straight away.”
“No! I need to know now. I need to understand her sad. Then I can make it right when I see her.”
“Well…I have an old radio. The batteries are nearly dead so I can’t guarantee anything. You’ll have to wait for the next news slot, whenever that might be and I can’t promise you’ll hear your mum.”
I nod.
Tom twiddles with his radio. It hisses and crackles. Someone talks. There’s a buzzing noise that blocks out the words. Then it comes back again. I let the sound drift around my ears. Soft music plays without words. I like it. You don’t have to think. It takes you away to different places.
Tom sits next to me and stares at the fire. Bella yawns and shuts her eyes.
“Whoa! Quick! News starting!”
Bella jumps up, wide awake, and Tom leans over and turns the sound up. The voice goes in and out, and then my mum talks out of the radio.
“Rose is a wonderful daughter. She’s smart, she’s kind…and very funny. We really need her back home. We miss…we miss her voice. The house is so quiet without her. Her smile lights up a room. There’s such a big hole in the family. I go past her bedroom door and expect her to be there, but it’s empty.
“If you know anything, anything at all, no matter how insignificant it might seem, please just tell us, or the police. She needs to come home; she needs to be looked after. We just want to know she’s safe.
“If you’re listening, Rose, we love you, darling, and we miss you so much. We can sort everything out. Home is where you belong.”
Tom switches the radio off. Thoughts tumble-dry around my head. I have to go home to my mum. Mum is upset, like when Granddad died. And it’s cos of me. It hurts my heart that I’ve made her that sad.
Dad’s upset for me missing too. But he’ll be more cross with Jack. He will say it’s Jack’s fault I’m lost, cos I would never have gone to Brighton by myself if Jack wasn’t there. Things will be worse-bad now. Dad will never, ever let me see Jack again. I am not Rose without Jack. Mum and Dad wouldn’t have real Rose at home any more. They’d have nothing-Rose. I have to find Jack. I have to be with him, like Mum has to be with Dad. And Mum is with Dad now. I love Jack as big as the uni-verse. I will ring Mum as soon as I get to the white house with sea-green painted shutters.
Tom opens his mouth to say something. I put my finger on his lips. He has a worried face. I shuffle up closer to him. I know he will good look-after-me. He slips his arm around me and I drift off to sleep.
I can’t believe it’s me! Tom holds up a broken bit of mirror. My eyebrows are thicker and darker and all my hair is hiding inside a dark blue and green striped beanie hat. I don’t have my Rose clothes any more. But I had to keep my jeans on. The pair Tom found were for six to seven years old. Bella is chewing them up. Tom had to help lift my T-shirt up. It was sticking to my sore bit. It feels better now it has more cream and some bandage on. I have a grey hoodie that Tom says is very useful cos I can make the hood hide my face really well. It’s got Jack Wills on the front. I love it as I’ve got Jack’s name over my heart.
I have the trainers on my feet. I really don’t like trainers but Tom says I have to “suck it up”. I know what that means as my brother Ben says it; but it’s an extra silly expresshun. My purple bag is burning up on the fire, so that no one can find it. Tom doesn’t want to get into trouble if a police person found it. I don’t want him to get into trouble either. I don’t like purple any more, anyway. The fur has made black smoke that makes us cough. It makes my sore throat feel worse.
Tom got me a green rucksack with lots of pockets. Jack is safe inside it. My money is tucked in a zip pocket inside the puffing jacket Tom found for me. It makes me look fat. I’m glad I’ve got some nice Rose clothes for when I get to Brighton, cos I don’t want Jack to see me looking like this.
“You ready, Rose?”
“YesIam. Putney Bridge. District line. Eight stops to Victoria.”
I was so near to the Victoria Station.
“Remember, don’t look back, keep looking forwards.”
“I remember, Tom. So the bad memories don’t find me.”
“Right, let’s do this.”
“Sit on that bench and don’t move while I get your ticket.” Tom turns back to me. “You’re sure you don’t want to go home, Rose?”
“I need to go to Jack.”
“He’s a lucky Jack.”
Victoria Station is full of smiles. A Father Christmas hands out bags of shiny sweets. Standing behind him is a pretend snow bear that waves his giant paw up and down. Next to him is Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. He has a very shiny nose.
A tiny brown bird lands at my feet. He hops around pecking at the ground. There’s a big, big Christmas tree in the middle of the station that touches the roof. It hurts my neck looking up. It has a white ribbon wrapped around it. It looks like toilet roll.
I shake with hot and cold. My neck hurts at the sides. I can’t be ill for Jack.
A big lady sits down next to me and groans. Someone sits on her other side. I stick my hands in my pockets and watch the little bird clean its wing with its beak. It picks up all the crumbs the lady is dropping.
“Don’t you want some muffin? You didn’t have any breakfast.”
“I’m fine, Mum, stop fretting.”
The girl’s voice sounds cross. I don’t look up. They both might see me. I hope Tom hurries up. I want to move but I better not.
“I hope they find that poor mite on the television. Fancy getting lost in London. Anything could’ve happened to her.”
I feel the woman looking at me. I tuck my chin into the top of my coat and pull my scarf over my nose.
“You all right, love? Terrible that girl missing, isn’t it? She’s one of yours, isn’t she?”
“Mum! You’re so embarrassing. Come on, we need to get our train.” The girl stands in front of me. “Sorry about that, my mum doesn’t mean any harm.”
I don’t say anything. They both walk away.
Tom comes up to me and hands me a ticket. “You have twenty minutes before your train leaves on platform nine. It takes just over an hour from here on the fast train.”
I go to hug him then remember I’m a boy. I thump him on the arm.
“Save your goodbyes till I’m putting you on the train. You won’t stand out so much if you’re with me.”
“Thankyou.”
Those are all the words I can say.
Platform nine has lots of people getting on the train. My stomach does a head over heels. Tom puts his hand on my shoulder. “Look over there!”
There is a group of young people with Down’s. Two helper people are making them line up and get on the train one at a time.
“They’re like you.”
“I am Rose. Remember?”
“Shush, you’re a boy, remember. You’re Ben and I don’t mean you’re all the same that way, I mean you can blend in, you know, not be noticed by anyone.”
“Ohokayyeah.”
“So keep near them but keep your head down. Obviously that group know you’re not with them, so keep a couple of seats back and pretend to be asleep if anyone talks to you.”
I understand and I smile. “Today I’m glad I look the same as them. Ha! Mum would never believe it.”
I hold Tom’s hand tight. “Thankyou, Tom. I will never forget you. Ever.”
I slip some money in his pocket.
“No, no no, you’ll need it.”
I push his hand away.
“Thanks, Rose, now get on that train before it leaves without you.”
He grabs me in a big hug. His eyes look bright. “Don’t forget – go to the loo when you see the ticket collector coming. I know you’re in disguise but it’s best to avoid people as
much as possible.”
I slip on to the train and find a seat right at the back, up to the window. I pull my hoodie up over my ears even though I feel hot and sweaty. It’s hard to swallow. Tom waves and waves at me. Then he’s gone and I’m all on my own again.
Clackety-clack, clackety-clack, clackety-clack. I love that noise the train makes. It’s saying to me, Clackety-clack, we’ll get to Jack, we’ll get to Jack, clackety-clack. It makes me de-ter-mined. I learned that word from Tom.
Outside the window, towns and trees fly by in a hurry. London is behind me. Brighton in front. I’m excited more than scared now, even though my hurting head and throat are trying to spoil it. I can’t wait to smell salt and vinegar and feel the cold sea wind on my face. I’ll eat fish and chips and pink candyfloss. I like the way it melts on your tongue.
’Cept I won’t have time for any of those. I don’t mind. Tom gave me a tuna sandwich to eat. And I’m nearly with my Jack. I’ll get a taxi in Brighton, to hurry me to him. Tom said not to get a taxi at the station. Cos police men might be on the station. Looking for me. He said there are lots of taxis near the pier. I hope he’s right cos I don’t know how he knows that.
Me and Jack went to Brighton when it was Easter. It was the best day… We’ve had lots of best days. Jack’s mum took us but she let us go off down the beach on our own. She sat on a picnic blanket on the stones. We had to keep her in our eyes. I can see the sea in my head picture.
The water is dark green and the waves try to throw themselves up to the sky. Then the sea rushes up to the edge, crashing onto the stones. Jack says the waves look angry and that he must have waves inside him. He’s all excited and runs down the beach, roaring at the sea like a lion. His trainers get all wet but he doesn’t care. My hat blows off in the wind. Jack runs after it for me. The wind teases him and throws my hat in a different place. It’s so funny.