by Mel Darbon
I shut my eyes and lots of tiny stars fall around me. I’m shaking so much my arms won’t stay still. When I breathe more slowly, I peep my nose round the corner of the hay. I can just see the top of the taxi man’s blond hair, turning from side to side. I want to sick up, but I swallow it down and count to ten. By the time I reach ten, the taxi man’s hair has vanished.
I sit for ages and watch the world. The wind bites through my clothes. My face is frozen in a frown. I don’t know how long to wait before it’s safe to move. Big black birds are pecking at the ground. They look like witches making spells. A rabbit hops past me then sits very still, looking over to the grey water. I wonder if he thinks I’m a statue.
I’m so tired. My feet are stinging. My teeth won’t sit still. I know I have to move before I am stuck to the snow and get Jack Frost bitten. I don’t have a lot of time to reach my Jack. Everyone will be after me.
It’s hard to stand up. I try and jump on the spot to make my feet wake up. I’m too weak. In the middle of the field I see a toy-size, red tractor. It gets bigger as I watch. I think it’s driving towards some sheep cuddled together in the snow. I start to walk across the field. I know the tractor might see me, but I can’t go back to the road.
It doesn’t matter any more. Jack is on the hill. I can fit his house into my hand, so I can’t reach it before the tractor gets me. I put one foot in front of the other. Step after step. I’m dream walking. I keep going cos each step takes me nearer to Jack.
“I love you, Jack,” I shout to the sky. It comes out in a croak.
I can hear the faint grumble of the tractor. The sheep move with it in a cotton-wool cloud. The tractor is as big as my rucksack now. It goes past the sheep and comes towards me. The sheep start to follow the tractor. I can hear their bleating mixed up with the rumbling engine. I stand still and watch as the noise drowns me out. Snowy mud sprays out of the big wheels and covers the sheep. I can see their black faces as they trot behind the tractor. I smell oil and mud.
I’m very small.
A man in a big woolly jumper sits up high driving the tractor. It stops with a shudder and a hiss and the engine cuts out. He climbs down the side and walks over to me. He tilts his head on one side and nods.
“You must be Rose.”
If I try and speak I will cry.
“I guess you’re trying to get to Manor House Farm?” He points over to the white house with green shutters.
I make my words come out. “I w…want to get to my J…Jack.”
A sob comes out of my mouth.
“Don’t cry.” He hands me a white hanky that smells of dog. “I’ll take you in the old girl here. No point in going all the way back to the farm now. Might as well ring the police from Manor House Farm as it’s the nearest place to here. You can see your boy and wait for your family there.”
I can’t make his words make sense. Then it comes in my head like the sun reaching through the clouds. I understand he is going to take me to Jack.
“Thankyouthankyouthankyou.”
“Don’t thank me, love, let’s just get you safe.”
He lifts me up into the tractor and puts a prickly blanket over my lap. I hear him talk outside before he climbs up next to me. He leans over and gets a flask and pours some hot drink into a cup.
“Here you are, get that in you, you look half frozen to death.”
The tea is hot and sweet. I can feel it going into my tummy and warming me up.
“I’m Jim, by the way. Drink that up before we move or it will spill. Why are you laughing?”
“I know a Jim at my cafe in Henley-on-Thames. He’s a lovely Jim too.”
Jim laughs with me and starts the engine up. It roars through my legs and makes them wake up.
We drive over the bumpy field. The clouds break open and a bit of the sky peeps through. Then the sun appears in the blue gap and makes the snow glitter. We’re driving over stars.
The engine is too loud to talk, but I don’t want to. I say Jack’s name over and over in my head. I’m more tired than I’ve ever been. And I’m more happy than I’ve ever been. Jack. Jack.
My Jack.
The tractor turns out of the field onto a road and then up a windy lane. Trees stand to attention all the way along.
“Nearly there, Rose, it’s just around the bend.”
I lean forward in my seat. We go round the corner past a huge tree with branches that touch the ground. The house comes into view. People stand outside. They start to wave.
I shake my head. “Why are they waving?”
“Because of you.”
“How did they know I was coming?”
“I rang to let them know you were on your way just before we set off. Give them a wave, then.”
“I can’t see Jack.” I lean forward to get the best view. I can see a boy with red hair like mine jumping up and down.
Then I see him. My Jack. He stands at the front looking worried. He runs forward, then stops. Then he sees me and jumps up high and punches the air. I’m laughing and crying all at the same time.
The tractor chug, chugs to a stop. Jim comes round to help me down.
I run into Jack’s arms.
Then everything goes black.
I can hear beep beep, beep beep. I don’t know where I am. Blue light is wrapped around me. A shadow hangs over me and pulls at something on my arm. I can hear shout-words. It’s Mum.
“Nurse! She’s woken up and is trying to say something.”
“It’s fine, Mrs Tremayne, we have it under control.”
“Don’t cry, Mum.” I try to speak. My words struggle in my mouth.
“Hurry up, she’s choking.”
It’s Dad.
“If you could both please go out to the waiting room so I can remove Rose’s intubation.”
A face floats over me. It pulls at the thing in my throat. I want to stop it. I try and grab it in my hand. Cool fingers hold onto mine.
“Don’t touch, sweetie, it will be over soon and you’ll feel much better.”
A snake slides out of my mouth and plops onto the bed. I cough and cough. My throat is on fire.
“I know, it will hurt for a bit, Rose.”
They give me some ice water through a straw. It helps put the fire out. My face gets wiped with a cloth. I can smell hospital smell.
The blue opens with a swish and lets in white light. It hurts my eyes. I shut it out.
When I open them again, Mum is smiling down at me.
“Hello, darling.” The sun rises in her eyes.
Dad gulps. A big hand closes round mine.
Mum gently picks up my other hand. “Welcome back.”
“Jack?” I whisper. They can’t hear me.
“Can I hug her?” Mum says.
“Of course,” says the same voice as before. “Just be careful not to knock that IV drip out.”
Mum laugh-cries as she gently curls her arms around me.
A nurse in green pyjamas peeps round the curtain gap. The other nurse goes over to her. They whisper together. Through the gap I can see a person on a bed all covered up in snake tubes. I think it’s a lady. She looks very old. She has lots of wrinkly bits on her face and her hair is snow-white. She makes a noise like my dog did when she cut her foot very badly. I don’t like it. The nurse turns back to me. She smooths the hair off my forehead.
“Don’t be frightened. There are a lot of silly noises on this ward but they’re nothing to worry about. Poor Mrs Brown is very confused.”
She squeezes my hand then talks to Mum and Dad.
“Mr and Mrs Tremayne? Can I have a word, please?”
Mum doesn’t want to leave me. Dad puts his arm around her. “Come on. It’ll only take a minute.”
“Dr Jefferson will be coming to check on Rose in a bit, she’ll be delighted to see she’s awake and aware of her surroundings.”
Their footsteps disappear. A door swings shut. All I can hear is the beep beep, beep beep of the machines again. And the old lady. I
watch her nurse clean her up. The nurse has a summer smile.
I want Jack. Where is he? I found him, but he’s gone. All I know is Jack. Tears fall out of my eyes and down my face. I can’t move my hand to wipe them away. Where are you, my Jack? You must be sad too.
When I open my eyes again, Mum is next to me.
“You’ve been crying, my poor darling.” She runs her finger along my eyebrows. Like she did when I was little. “I need you to listen to me, sweetie. Don’t try and talk.” I watch the little vein in Mum’s neck. It sticks out when she’s upset. “The police would like to talk to you; not right now, only when you’re feeling a bit stronger. Can you do this do you think?”
I look away. Janek’s face jumps into my head. I tremble all over. I can’t make it stop.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Dad and I haven’t given them permission to talk to you yet. Don’t cry, Rose, please don’t cry, it’s okay, you don’t have to do anything.”
I bury my face in my pillow.
“Oh God, Mike. What do you think happened to her? And that burn on her back…”
Their voices move to a different place. I want to stop Janek in my head. I want him to go away for ever. He’s glued onto my eyes. I can’t rub him off. My hands are wired up.
Mum and Dad stand by the window. They look old. Dad has baggy eyes. When they come back to me I try and sit up.
“I want Jack.” I sound like a frog.
“Your poor voice, but it’s so lovely to hear you, darling.”
“Jack?”
“Only family are allowed in here, darling.” Mum sighs.
“Jackismyfamily.”
Mum doesn’t look at me. Dad is looking at the floor.
“Mum…? Dad?” I croak.
“Not now, Rose, you’re too ill, we’ll discuss Jack when you’re better.” Dad rubs his eyes.
We never talk about Jack. Angry-sad bubbles up. It pops before I can use it. I’m too sick to get it back. My throat is full of fire again. I don’t want to swallow but I have to. I cry more.
“Mike, why don’t you go and get something to eat?” Mum says.
“Yes, yes of course, but I won’t be too long. My little girl has only just woken up.” Dad grabs his jacket and walks away. He smiles over his shoulder.
I want to talk to Mum but I’m falling away from her into ill-sleep. She holds my head up and gives me some more ice-water with a straw.
“That will help you sleep better.” She strokes my arm and whispers to me. “Winniebago misses you so much. She’s sat by the front gate ever since you went and she won’t budge. Ben’s had to put her food and water bowl outside, next to her.”
“Inthesnow?” I whisper-croak.
“Yes, in the snow! Her water bowl had ice on it, but she still wouldn’t move.”
“She’llgetnew-monia.”
“Ben made her a cardboard doghouse from an old box that he lined with a bin bag and I put that old blanket of Grandma’s over her. In the evening Ben carries her into the kitchen – or she’d stay there all night as well. Oh sweetie, don’t get upset, you’ll see her very soon.”
I love Winnie. I miss her so much. I miss telling her my secrets. And her warm nose in my hand. I cry cos she sat in the snow for me. But I’m not just crying for Winnie. I’m crying for Lisette as I wish Mum was stroking her arm too. She’d like that. And I’m crying for Tom and Bella. Cos they rescued me from the snow.
Mum doesn’t talk for a bit. She takes away my tears with her finger-tops.
“DidBenmissme?”
“Of course he did. He’s been even more grumpy than normal and that’s saying something. I found him on Monday sitting on his bed with your old Tigger in his hands. He said he was fine but I knew he wasn’t. He’s stuck pictures of you up all over Henley, Caversham and Reading. He wanted to go and look for you… Oh darling, you need to sleep, you look wiped out and as always I’m talking too much.”
But I don’t want Mum to stop talking. It blocks all the horrible out. My eyelids are heavy. I can’t hold them up. I want to talk about Jack… I must see him. I want to tell him everything.
I hear Mum get up. Her skirt whispers as she goes past. The swish of the machines sounds like the sea… Jack and me by the sea. With seaweed wrapping our feet together. Pushing our toes into the sand.
Where are you, Jack?
I can hear Mum talking. I make my eyelids sit up. She stands in the doorway, holding it open. It’s Jack’s voice next to her. I struggle to get up. It’s no good. Elephants sit on my arms and legs. I push past the hospital noises. I find Mum’s voice again.
“Hasn’t everyone got enough…plate? …sneaking out your unit?”
I listen harder.
“…near Rosie. I won’t be any trouble. Is she awake, Mrs Tremayne?”
It’s Jack. “Jack. JACK!” I shout. A wheeze of words comes out.
“She’s very ill, Jack…waking up properly.”
“I’ll sit here and be good – I have to see her.”
“Oh, Jack…not possible… Your mum’s coming…and then her dad and I will have to see how she is.”
“She won’t…?”
I hear Jack’s voice crack up. I can’t bear it. I try and lift my body up. A tube pulls at my arm. Pain shoots up it. I can’t hold me up. I fall back on the pillow.
“Don’t even think that, Jack, have faith in her, we must all have faith, then Rose will do the rest.”
“I can’t bear it…I’ll just sit in the waiting room. I promise I’ll be good.”
“Oh, Jack, I just don’t know. Okay, perhaps…if your mum agrees…and I know it would help Rose a lot—”
“What’s he doing here?”
“Calm…Mike! Stop…ing—”
“I’m NOT having him near Rose.”
I want Dad to go away. He can’t stop me and Jack. Not now. I can see Jack. He’s so near. Dad’s pushing him back. “No, Dad, stop it!”
Why can’t they hear me?
“Please, Mr Tremayne, let me see her. I love Rosie. I’m staying good, I—”
“Ha, you don’t have a clue what that is. Haven’t you caused enough trouble? We don’t want you here.”
“Nononononono. NONONONONONO.” My voice won’t shout. Only in my head shouts.
“Mike, please. It’s what’s best for Rose…surely five minutes—”
“Over my dead body!”
“Keep your voices down! This is the ICU, please show some respect for the patients’ safety and privacy.”
I watch as the nurse shuts the door on them all.
“Please don’t take my Jack away,” I whisper. I make my head sit up. I see Jack at the round window. His eyes catch mine. Then he’s gone.
Again.
The nurse stands by my bed. “I’m going to do a few checks, then you can go back to sleep.” She tucks a stick in my armpit. “Don’t be sad, you’ll soon be back on your feet. Good, your temperature is down; if we can keep it that way until tomorrow, then you can be moved into HDU. Oh dear, what did I say? I thought you’d be pleased.”
She dabs a cloth on my eyes to collect the wet.
“IwantJack.”
She leans down close to my mouth to hear me. “And who might Jack be?”
“Myboyfriend.”
“I’m sure he’ll come and see you soon.”
“He’soutside.”
“In that case he can probably see you after you’ve rested.”
“Nononohecan’t. Dadwon’tlethim.”
“Well, perhaps I can explain to that dad of yours how much you want to see him. He might come round if I tell him it’s not good for you to get upset. Oh dear, you see your blood pressure’s already too high. I’m giving you something to help you rest; too much excitement today, I think.”
“Thankyouverymuch.”
“That’s a lovely smile.”
I’m smiling all over. The nurse will get my Jack to me. She twists up a red button. A cold feeling runs along my arm. I put
a home-with-Jack picture in my head. The nurse checks the water bag on the pole.
“Jackisoutsidethedoor. CanIseehimalittlebit? Please, thankyou.”
The nurse wags her finger at me. “Five minutes, then you sleep.”
I start to float across the room. My eyelids fall. I pull myself back. My head spins in a circle. Through my eye gaps someone stands over me. It’s not the nurse. The green uniform has vanished. This is black… I think it’s Janek. He’s found me. I watch him. He bends right over me and kisses me. I fold my lips in. Helpmehelpme.
“Rosie, I know you can’t hear me.”
My heart slows down. My Jack. Not Janek. My best Jack is here. JackJackJack. My mouth can’t talk. It’s too weighted with sleep. The nurse gave me my Jack for five minutes.
I smell lemon and Lynx.
He picks up my hand and covers it up. I want to hold him tight. Tell him it’s okay. But I can’t talk.
“I couldn’t find you when I got to the hospital. It was driving me nuts. Then a cleaning lady said you’d probably be here. I looked through the window and saw your red hair spread out over the pillow, with all these wires going into you. I felt sick cos I was going crazy not being able to be with you. Your dad doesn’t want me here, so I’ll get into more trouble, but the kind nurse told me I could see you for five minutes. My mum’s coming to get me and I don’t want to fucking go – sorry, I know you hate swearing. There’s so much I want to ask you and so much I want to tell you. I sent you all these cards but I know you didn’t get most of them. I’ve got some more for you; I kept doing them as it felt like I was talking to you. It was all I had. I…I thought you didn’t love me any more, but that’s stupid cos you’re Rosie, the best Rosie in the world who’d never stop loving me, no matter what a dick I am. You even came to get me. Where have you been, Rosie? You’ve been lost for ever and it’s my fault; if I hadn’t gone mental, we’d still be together. I’m so mad at me I want to smash – no, not that, not ever again… I don’t want to smash anything up, Rosie. Seb said I had to get my shit together, that I couldn’t keep messing up. He was right, I’m not a kid any more…but I’m scared stiff I’ll let everyone down again.”