by Mel Darbon
Mum blows her nose. “I’d love to meet him, one day.”
My voice gets more whispery and croaky as I talk. Everyone leans nearer to me, to hear what I’m saying. I’m coming to the last words my mouth can make. I take a big breath to help me say them. “I thought I’d got to Jack. A taxi was taking me to him. But the radio in the taxi gave me away and the driver said he had to give me to the police. I could see Jack’s house with sea-green shutters on the hill but I couldn’t reach it. My heart was falling into pieces. Then the taxi got in a sandwich between a lorry and a caravan.”
“Good grief, what knob would be stupid enough to go camping in this weather?” Dad bursts out.
“Shush, Mike, let Rose finish, she’s exhausted. And don’t be rude.” Dad rolls his eyes up at Mum. “You were stuck in the taxi, Rose.”
“ThankyouMum. The driver man got out the car to see what to do. I saw a gap in the hedge outside my window. I opened the door and ran into the field to go and hide behind a roll of hay that looked like a big Swiss roll. I waited and waited in the snow. I nearly turned into an ice statue. After a bit I started to walk towards Jack’s house. I was so cold my feet wouldn’t move properly.”
The police lady takes my hand and squeezes it. “And then Jim Bowden picked you up in his tractor and drove you to Manor House Farm – and Jack.” Her voice wobbles.
“Yes, he took me to my Jack.”
Mum gets a tissue out her pocket and pats her eyes.
“I was going to ring you straight away, Mum, when I got to Jack’s house. Cos I saw you crying on the television and it hurt my heart.” I fall back on my pillow. “I’m sorry.”
All my words are emptied out of me.
Mum hugs me so tight I can’t breathe properly and Dad has to pull her off me. Dad’s eyes are shiny wet and he keeps clearing his throat.
“Go and get a cup of tea, Mr and Mrs Tremayne,” the police lady tells them. “We’ve finished, I’ve made all the notes I need for now. Rose is an incredible young woman, you should be very proud of her.”
The police man blows his nose very loudly. He follows Mum and Dad out of the room.
The doctor with the hair comes back. “Everyone out, please.”
She shoos the police lady out of the way. As she leaves, the police lady turns to me. “Thank you, Rose.”
The doctor fuss-pots around me. She pushes her glasses up her nose. “Sleep now, that’s an order. You look exhausted. I don’t want any more talking for the rest of the day.”
“Can I see…Jacknow?”
“Who’s Jacknow?”
I’ve sneaked out of my room to find Jack for myself. I can’t wait any longer. The floor is cold under my feet. I can’t walk very well so I’m holding onto the wall. It’s hard cos my drip is walking with me in my other hand. It squeaks along the corridor. I tell it to shush or someone will hear us. Everyone’s in bed, but the nurses watch over you. I waited until my nurse went out.
Mum said Jack was in the waiting room opposite the ICU. She says his mum took him away. I have to check.
I can see the doctor who was looking after me on the ICU ward. She’s writing in a book. I hold my breath as I go past. There are two doors opposite. They both have words on. I’m too full of upset to work out what they say. I see the doctor fold her book and stand up. I go into the nearest door. I stand in the dark and make myself calm down. It smells of coffee air. I don’t like the dark. Shadows move towards me. I panic-grab onto the wall by the door. I hit a bump. I press and press it. The light comes on. It flickers on and off before it stays.
I think I’ve found where Jack is waiting. My tummy fills with bird wings. Then they die. He’s not here.
In my head he was here.
There are paper cups on the floor. It’s sticky under my feet. A chair lies on its side. Poking out from under the sofa is a scarf. It looks like Jack’s. I pick it up and hold it to my nose. Jack smell. Sweat and Lynx. I sit in the sofa dent. I wonder if this was where he sat. I shut my eyes and picture him next to me. “Come here, babe, and give me a kiss.” That’s what he’d say. And I’d fall into his arms and kiss and kiss him. And we’d want more than that. I hurt so much it’s a real pain-hurt. I try and stand up. Everything goes wavy.
I need to walk in Jack’s footsteps. In this room. Where he sat for me.
I shuffle round. I think Jack made the chair fall over. The cups are all over the place. I pretend-see Jack kicking and kicking them. Kicking his angry round the room. Kicking his hurting around the room… I hope no one saw him.
I start to cry. It doesn’t sound like me. It sounds like an animal. It fills me with frightened.
“What are you doing in here, my love? What’s the matter, honey? Are you in pain?”
I didn’t hear the doctor come in.
“You’re too ill to be here on your own and you’re frozen stiff. Hey, hey, don’t cry any more. Come on, let’s get you back to your room and you can tell me what the problem is.”
It takes for ever to get back to my room. After half way a night nurse runs along the corridor. She’s upset-cross at me. Cos I left my bed. The doctor says she’ll look after me. My sad has worn me out. I’m tired of everything.
When I’m back up in bed I wind Jack’s scarf round my hand. The doctor pulls my blanket up and tucks it under my arms. I tell her about Jack. That I’m not allowed to be with him. I tell her he won’t hurt anything again. But no one believes him. ’Cept me.
“Whatcanwedo? WhatifIneverseeJackagain?”
The doctor takes her glasses off and rubs her eyes. She takes my face in her hands. “Both of you have to show your families that everything really is different with Jack… Then you just have to wait, be patient and hope.” She sits down on the visiting chair. Her skin is so dark against my white. Her eyes hold mine in hers and make me full of peaceful. “Do you understand that?”
“YesIdo. Patient is hard.”
“Never is harder, honey… It’s time to go to sleep now.” She gets up to go. “Let me tell you, Rose, tomorrow is always a new day.”
I hear her belly-laughing out my room. I like it.
I stay awake. My head is full of buzzing bees. I can’t make them into pictures. The wind screams outside the window. Through the glass hundreds of seagulls shriek and circle round the sky.
In my heart I have Jack. In my head is a big empty space. Me and Jack fit together. Without him I am only a bit of Rose. I must talk to Mum and Dad. I need to work it out.
I close my eyes and try and push words into my brain. Sleep grabs my words away. I open my eyes to stop it doing that.
I see Jack at the indoor window. I smile and smile with happy. He blows me a kiss. I hold my hand out and catch it. I hold it on my heart.
When I open my eyes a nurse is in the room. She checks my drip and frowns at my blood pressure. The next time I wake up the room is filled with pink. The night has gone away. I watch the indoor window for Jack. I don’t know if he was real Jack or dream Jack. I slip out of bed and stand at the outdoor window. The sun has painted the sky in red. It touches the rooftops and makes the snow blush. A church cross winks gold at me.
I call out to a seagull flying towards the blue-black sea. “It’s a new day!”
My legs are stronger. The cold from the floor cools my feet. A breath of salty wind sneaks through the window gap. I’m glad it’s not open. I climb back into bed and curl up in my blanket. I make a head plan.
A lady with hair like the Queen of England wheels my breakfast in. “Oh my goodness! You’re famous!”
“Whois?”
“You are, you’re all over the news on the radio. Didn’t you hear it?”
“No, it’s not loud enough. Why?” I can’t understand the words the lady is saying.
“Everyone was so worried when you went missing and then you turned up safe in Brighton, so now they all want to know about it. It was like a wonderful Christmas present for everyone.”
“I’m not a present. I’m Rose.”
“Yes and a very special Rose too. What do you want for Christmas then this year?” She puts a bowl of porridge in front of me.
“I want Jack for Christmas.”
“Oh – I’m glad you said that, I almost forgot.” She pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket. “Here you go, I promised to give this to you as soon as I saw you. The night duty nurse gave it to me as she was leaving. It’s from Jack; he made her promise she’d put it straight into your hands but she didn’t want to wake you up. Would you like me to read it for you?”
I grip the letter tight to me. “Nothankyou. I can read Jack myself.”
“Don’t let your breakfast go cold and try and eat as much as you can. Your night nurse says you’ve lost weight. Yes…? I can see you want me to leave you in peace. Nurse will come back in a bit to help you with your morning wash.”
I wait until she’s gone. I push the breakfast away and smooth Jack out over the bed cover. I read slowly, so I don’t miss a single word.
My Rosie,
I hope you get this. Mum is writing it for me because we have to go home soon and it would take me ages to do it by myself. I don’t want to leave you, but I have to be an adult.
Mum told me about the bad man who got you and I punched a coffee machine. Cups went everywhere ☹ I wanted to break every bone in that man’s body, even after everything I promised. Mum said I shouldn’t be hard on myself as it was a terrible thing to hear.
I ran away from Mum as I wanted to be alone. I didn’t know where I was, so I got in a lift and it went to the rooftop of the hospital. The wind up there was freezing cold and tried to knock me over, but I didn’t care if it threw me over the wall because your dad was right when he said I’m not good enough for you.
The sea was black and angry like me and I swear it was calling to me, Rosie, which was mental! I couldn’t stop my feet walking towards it so I ended up on the top of the wall gulping in air, wishing I was anyone but Jack.
A weird, green moon glowed behind the clouds; everything felt freaky but I was part of it and part of the stormy water. The waves roared at me “Keep walking, Jack, don’t stop,” over and over to make me listen. I was scared, but I knew what I had to do; I held my arms high and opened my mouth and screamed. Hundreds of seagulls took off from the roof, joining in with me. I screamed out all my anger and pain. I screamed for who I might have been. I screamed out the old Jack until I was nothing but a boy standing on a wall. I let it all go, Rosie.
I was done in, but in the distance I saw a bit of red where the line of the sea joins the sky. Today was going, but another day would come after the night; and I was still here with you in the world. And I knew that losing you would be the stupidest thing I could ever do because I love you to the ends of the earth and back. I always will.
Sleep tight, my Rosie. I’m going to be strong for you and find a way for us to be together, for ever and ever.
Your Jack XXX
PS Hello Rose, this is Grace talking now. I’ll look after Jack for you. Get yourself better, be strong and I will try and help sort everything out when you are home again. I’m SO proud of you. Sending all my love and a big hug to you. Xxx
It takes me ages to read. When the nurse comes in to wash me, I have to ask her to do me later. Cos Jack’s letter is more important. I don’t get all the words. But I can feel the wind. And hear the waves. I can hear him. He threw away old Jack and found a new one.
I start to cry. The water falls onto the paper. I sad-cry for Jack’s pain. Then I happy-cry for his strong. I smile for Jack and Rosie.
I have to talk to Mum and Dad. I made it up in my head. In the night. Then before the breakfast lady gave me my porridge, I went over and over it until I got it right. Jack’s letter makes me brave. I can fight.
I’m waiting for them to get here, so I can say it. So I can see Jack. If it takes all my life to show them how much I love him, I will do it.
In the background I hear a song on the radio. It’s very quiet. I realize it’s our song. Mine and Jack’s. I turn the sound up and I hear the words happy-singing around the room.
The man sings about love. I can feel it. I feel it in my heart and in the air. And when I look in Jack’s eyes. Just like the song on the radio.
I laugh and hug myself with happy. Love is everywhere; I can be strong. Mum and Dad will understand. This is our share song.
I fold my letter up. I tuck it in my nightdress pocket. I can do it.
There’s a knock on the door. It opens before I can say “Come in.”
“How are you, darling?” Mum walks into the room bringing her wide smile with her.
Dad holds a huge, grey furry elephant in his arms. It has a shiny purple ribbon round its neck. He bounces it up and down on the bed. “From everyone at college. They all send their love, especially Lou, who wants to see you as soon as she can.”
“I feel sad about Lou. I didn’t tell her the truth.”
“Lou’s mum told me there’s been a lot of swearing from her iPad voicer.” Mum grins. “They had to put her in her room to calm down. Don’t look so glum, she’s over-the-moon that you’re safe now. Oh – and delighted that you’ll be back to help her as she’s had Danny Parker looking after her.”
“Isn’t that the boy with the bad stutter?” Dad asks.
“Yes and apparently he and Lou fell out because she kept finishing his sentences – on loud.”
Mum and Dad laugh. I think of Lou all cross and upset. In my head I promise to make it all up to her.
“Hey, little big sis!” a voice says from the doorway.
“BEN!”
Ben almost runs over to me. He knocks the doctor’s notes off the end of the bed before giving me a bear hug.
“Careful, Ben! You’ll pull her drip out.”
Mum isn’t really cross. And Dad has a smile going to his ears.
I take Ben’s hand. He doesn’t pull it away. “Imissedyou, Ben.”
Ben goes all pinky. “Yeah, missed you too. It’s cool you’re back and Winniebago will poo herself when she sees you.”
“Ben!” Mum says.
“What? I didn’t say shit herself.”
“Mum says you took my Tigger to your room.”
Ben raises his eyebrows. “That’s not cool, Mum, thanks a bunch. Did she tell you I put your picture up everywhere?”
“Yesthankyouverymuch. I thought of you lots.”
“Yeah well, just don’t go off on any gap years or anything without telling us.”
We both can’t stop laughing at the look on Mum and Dad’s face at that.
“Come and sit down.” I pat the bed and Mum and Dad sit down next to Ben.
I pick up the elephant and take the purple ribbon off him. I’ll never like purple again. Not after the party dress.
Mum watches me. “That’s a serious face.”
“I have im-portant words to say.”
Mum and Dad look at each other. Ben checks his phone quickly and then puts it in his pocket.
“I’m sorry I made you scared. I didn’t mean to make you sad. I had to find Jack.”
Dad snorts. Mum tuts and points her finger at him.
Ben sighs. “She’s only just started, Dad.”
“Yes, Dad. Remember you told me, Mum, about when you met Dad?” Mum nods. “You were sixteen. Like me. You said when you saw Dad you knew he was your husband.”
“That’s completely different!” Dad jumps up and goes over to the window.
“Why, Dad? Why is it different? Is it cos I have Down’s syndrome? Down’s syndrome isn’t me. I am Rose.”
Dad looks down. “You know I didn’t mean that.”
Mum looks at him. “What did you mean then, Mike?”
“Don’t start, Sarah, please – this is hard.”
“It’s more hard for me. I know you don’t want Jack. Don’t talk, Dad. Sit down, pleasethankyou… When I met Jack for the first time, he made my inside lonely go away. The sun came out in my head and my heart grew wings and took me up to the
moon. I was real Rose. I was more Rose, Dad, than before I met Jack. Without him my sun is covered in cloud and everything inside me is rain. Jack makes me sky-tall and lion-brave…and I make Jack’s angry fly away. No, don’t talk yet, Mum, pleasethankyou. I can remember all the words I wrote in my head… Together we can be just Jack and Rose and not let the world make us different and stupid. Dad, I love Jack like you love Mum. We want what you want – and I want to get married like you and Mum and be together in our little house with two children and a mix-up dog. Without Jack I would curl up into a ball and shut my eyes in a for ever sleep. Without him I am not Rose, I am gone away.”
Dad looks at his hands then at me. “Oh, Rose.” His eyes are full of pain.
Mum tries to talk but I put my finger on her lips.
Ben picks at a bit on his thumbnail and studies the floor.
“Jack was hurt when he was born. His angry is bad. I know Jack messed up, but Jack is a new Jack. He WON’T hurt me… Jack hurts Jack more.”
Dad sighs. “I’m scared that he might just lose control and…you’ll…you’ll be in the way.” Dad’s voice falls apart.
Mum stands behind him and wraps her arms around him. “Jack’s doing well,” she says. “I saw him before he left. He sat at the hospital and didn’t make a fuss. He went home quietly with his mum.”
“Great, you’re both ganging up on me,” Dad whispers.
“There aren’t any gangs, Dad. I know you want to keep me safe. You have to let me be a grown up. Grandma said that everyone deserves a second go. Remember? After you got cross? When Mum had been your girlfriend for six months? And Granddad said you were to keep away from Mum because you were trouble? And then you threw the cricket bat and hurt Muffin’s leg? Mum still chose you. And Grandma gave you a second go.”
Ben sits up tall. “Yeah, Dad. Grandma told us all about it, remember?”
Dad stares at the bed. “I can’t deny I behaved badly in the past. I was hot-headed; but I didn’t have a brain injury that means I can’t control what I do.”