by James Corden
I laughed and told him that he hadn’t heard anything yet. I told him that if he’d said no, I was going to offer to name my unborn child after him. Down the phone I could hear Paul burst out laughing. ‘You’re on. That’s it. If you name your child after me, I’ll do your sketch.’ We both had a giggle and then, very graciously, he went on to say that – all joking aside – he would love to be involved. ‘Count me in!’ were his exact words.
I was chuffed to bits and so were the boys. But Paul was just the first domino to fall. The next person on our list of hopefuls was George Michael. I am, and always will be, a massive fan of George and his music; so many of his songs mean something to me. From the moment we started the script, I was sure that music would be the magic ingredient the sketch needed at the start and at the end to really lift it. Music would make the whole thing move with more pace, and the thought of Smithy and George acting like old mates in the same tracksuit tops was an image I couldn’t – and didn’t want to – shake. George was away in Australia but, after two or three 4 a.m. calls, he said he was up for doing the sketch. Just as we predicted, once we had those two, everyone else started wanting to be a part of it. Rupert Grint, Tom Felton, Lord Robert Winston, Tom Daley, Lord Sebastian Coe, Rio Ferdinand – who once again stepped up to the plate and gave the acting performance of his life – Keira Knightley, JLS, Dermot O’Leary, Clare Balding. Ringo Starr amazingly said yes as well, and filmed his stuff down the line from America; the former prime minister Gordon Brown even agreed to be in it and was the most fantastic sport, as did Davina McCall, Richard Madeley, Roger Lloyd-Pack, Justin Bieber, Lenny Henry and Richard Curtis. Phew. Think that’s everyone.
It was the cast list we’d dreamt of, and over the next couple of months we filmed and filmed and filmed again. Technically it was a nightmare, and I take my hat off to Ben for making it happen so smoothly. Everyone was fantastic. For me the highlight of the whole experience was driving around in Smithy’s Volvo with George Michael. He was such a good laugh and, in fact, the line about Smithy and Gavlar being closet bummers was all George. As coincidence might have it, we were driving up and down the A40, the very road that years ago was the scene of my disappointment when Dad asked me if I wanted to knock the acting thing on the head. In just over twenty years, it was now witness to me and one of my heroes singing our hearts out to ‘I’m Your Man’.
When the sketch finally aired, the response was bigger than for the other two sketches put together. The next day, people were calling it the greatest sketch ever made on a Comic Relief night. I’m not saying this is true, but it was nice that somebody thought it was. Immediately afterwards, the inevitable question came as to what we would do next year. I’m not sure we’ll ever beat what we did in that sketch, but we’ve said that before, so who knows? I’m incredibly proud of it. I’m proud of Ben, Gabe and Clyde, and will for ever be thankful to all the people in front of and behind the scenes who made it happen.
I’m thankful for all of it really. All of the stuff that I’ve mentioned in this book – the ups and the downs. I’m grateful for every single moment. Just the fact that you, whoever you are, wherever you may be, are even reading this is enough to blow my mind. The truth is, often I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve all this. To have so many great memories.
In just a few moments I will walk out of my front door and when I return I’ll have my son and fiancée with me, all three of us together at home for the first time. We will, from now, start to become a family. My whole world is going to change, and I’m incredibly excited about it. And as I look back on the boy I wrote about at the start of this book, the boy who needed all that constant attention, who craved the limelight like oxygen, well, I realise I don’t feel that any more – not as much, anyway. I still have ambition, lots of it, and there are still plenty of things I dream of achieving. But ‘attention’ is perhaps not the right word for it any more. The flame is still there; it just doesn’t burn quite as brightly. Now everything I need I get from Jules and my son. It’s their love and their attention that’s the most important thing to me now.
So, finally, it’s time for me to go and bring him home. Here we go. Have I got everything Jules put on the list? Car seat? Yes. Thing to attach the car seat to the back seat of the car? Yes. Hat for the baby? Yes. Cardigan for the baby? Yes. Baby wipes? Yes. Bib? Yes. God, this is it now, isn’t it? Endless lists of stuff. This is only going to intensify.
Here goes … Wish me luck!
Oh, and by the way, we’ve decided on a name for him. Oh yes. His name is … Max McCartney Kimberley Corden.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I’ve decided to use this opportunity to not just thank people connected to this book, but people to whom I owe so much.
There are so many people to thank for so many things. These are just the tip of the iceberg:
Firstly, I have to thank my publisher, friend and dance teacher, Jack Fogg. He has been a constant source of encouragement and this book would never have been written without him. He has been there on the end of the phone at every point, both good and bad. Thank you, Jack. Let’s do some more fun things together.
Everyone else who is better looking than Jack at Century, which is basically everyone else at Century. Thanks for everything. You really are the best.
My agent, Ruth Young. For your wisdom, encouragement, and endless faith. I’d be lost without you.
Jess Alford, for your skills, groove and incredible loveliness.
Robert Kirkby. (Officially the writer’s agent of the year). I now know why.
Clair Dobbs, for working so hard and guiding me in the in the right direction.
Gavin Early, Anthony Belcher and Jason Todd. My dearest friends, never will that change.
Ben Winston. My brother from another mother. My best friend. You shining light of friendship and loyalty. ‘Thank you’ isn’t a big enough word.
Gabe Turner. The white Viera. There it is. In print. It’s official.
Meri and Lauren. For being so incredible to your men, and the missus.
Leo Pearlman and Ben Turner. Fulwell 73. Let’s do this.
Gary Lightbody. Never have I loved a man so fast. Thank you for the love, laughs and music.
Pam and Barry. For creating the greatest person on earth and immediately making me feel at home.
Louis Weymouth. So basically old bean it’s blush, blush …
Ruth Jones. What a journey?! ‘Friend’ seems too small a word. I love you and I always will.
Dominic Cooper. Drop the pilot and paint my balloon. Where would I be without you, Levine.
Sir Nicholas Hytner. I will never be able to thank you enough. But I’ll always try.
Mat Horne. What a rollercoaster, Cheeseman. Man Hugs now, tomorrow and after that.
Henry Normal, Linzi Hughes and Ted Dowd. The cow massive. Amazing.
Ben Cavey. You are so fit.
Danny Cohen. For your warmth, guidance and most importantly your forgiveness.
Russell Rook. My spiritual guru. Lunch?!
Peter Jones. The tallest lovely man in the world.
Take That. For being so damn good.
Richard Shed, Scott Rodgers, Greg Pearson and Kevin Wilkinson. Always.
Mathew Baynton and Jim Field Smith. The Right Mans.
James Gallimore. For knowing your stuff. Thank God!
Nick Jones and Kirsty. The kindest and most lovely people on the planet.
Richard Curtis, Kevin Cahill and everyone at Comic Relief and Sport Relief.
Clydo. Brighton’s best kept secret.
Rankin. Quite simply the best photographer in the world.
Donald Mcinnes. The best in the business. I love you. Thanks for making me better looking!
Suzi Aplin. For your energy, warmth, encouragement, vision and beautiful face.
Stuart Murphy. For seeing things we didn’t know were there. And still seeing more!
Marilyn Phillips. Thank you for believing.
Jacquie Drewe. For kickstartin
g all of this.
The other seven History Boys. I love and miss you all.
To anyone who classes me as a friend. I hope I’m a good one to you.
My mother and my father. My thanks to you is for everything. I love you both so much.
Joel and Ellen. You will never know how much you two coming along changed all of us.
Andrea and Ian. My big sister who sometimes knows me better than anyone and Ian, her wonderful husband and father.
Rudi. Reeyads, Ruth, my way buddy. Always. You saviour. We’ll always have L.A. Marry him if he asks you.
My darling Julia. Thank you for putting up with so many things. For being so amazingly supportive all the time. For letting me be me. For laughing and smiling even when you know what jokes are coming. For being the greatest mum in the world. For making my heart smile again. I could be anywhere with you and I know I’d be happy.
And Max. You young man. Well, you’ve changed everything. And you don’t even know it!
x
PICTURE ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The author and publishers would like to thank the following copyright-holders for permission to reproduce images in this book:
©Rex Features; ©Neil Bennett; ©Radio Times magazine; ©Nicky Johnston / Heat magazine; ©Steve Bagness / Matrixpictures.co.uk; ©The Daily Telegraph 2009; ©Guardian News & Media Ltd 2009; ©Sarah Dunn; ©Ted Dowd; ©Rachel Joseph; ©Des Willie; ©Comic Relief; ©Guy Levy; ©Dave Nelson; ©David Pullum; ©Stuart Wood; ©Hamish Brown; ©Toby Merritt.
All other images are care of the author.
The author and publishers have made all reasonable efforts to contact copyright-holders for permission, and apologise for any omissions or errors in the form of credits given. Corrections may be made to future printings.
Me, aged three, just taking it easy on the beach.
My first ever photo shoot.
On holiday at the farm. What a dump!
Just a young guy in buckled shoes, leaning against a tree.
Inn Keeper No. 1.
Performing ‘Nibble Nibble Munch Munch’ at Middle School. The guy next to me was about to do a Mr. T. impression.
Aged eight, in my Salvation Army uniform.
Aged ten, Park Court Middle School, chubby cheeks are forming.
My sisters and I. Andrea (left) and Ruth (middle).
Mummy’s boy.
Me, Mum, Rudi and Dad is on the right. No one has a clue who the guy on the left is. Seriously, not a clue!
Stage school agency photos. In the third one, I had asked the barber to cut my hair like Gary Barlow’s in the ‘Pray’ video.
The cast of Fat Friends, and yes, I am wearing a woman’s coat.
Russell Tovey (My Russ); Sam Anderson (Zammo); Me (Levine); Andrew Knott (Moon); Dominic Cooper (Dirtbox); Sam Barnet (Sam); Jamie Parker (Scripps); Sacha Dhawan (Sachgelia).
The History Boys on stage at the National Theatre.
Opening night in New York, with the two men who changed our lives, Nicholas Hytner (left) and Alan Bennett (centre).
The eight of us on a 20ft poster in Times Square.
And the New York programme. If you look closely, I’m very subtly giving the finger.
Mat, Joanna, Ruth and I. The first photo shoot the four of us ever did.
On set filming series one. Making script changes at the eleventh hour.
The cast and crew of Gavin & Stacey. I can’t name them all here, but I miss every single one of them.
Rob Brydon and I. No one makes me laugh on a set quite like him.
Ruth, Rob, Melanie Walters and I having just been on the log flume at Barry Island.
And there she is, my best friend in the whole wide world, on a night neither of us will ever forget.
Recreating David Beckham’s Armani advert for Heat magazine. There are three pairs of socks in my pants.
Lily. The love affair that never was.
And Mat. The love affair that very much was.
January 2009. Build ’em up.
April 2009. And knock ’em down!
Smithy and the England team.
David and I. Putting towels on our heads was his idea.
Sport Relief 2010: Smithy giving his speech.
Jenson and I didn’t actually know we were being photographed at this moment.
Me with Andy Murray and the great Ben Winston.
On the high board with Tom Daley. Tom’s the one on the left.
2010 was a busy year to say the least.
Fulfilling my childhood dream of actually being Gary Barlow!
Smithy with George Michael and Sir Paul. Two of my heroes and I’m hugging them both a bit too tight.
Jules tucking into the best steak she’s ever had on the first of many nights in.
Me and Jules in the Maldives, jumping into the rest of our lives!
My loving sisters, and my best friends. I’d have been lost without them.
Me and my Bubba. She is the best person I’ve ever met.
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Copyright © James Corden, 2011
James Corden has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
This book is a work of non-fiction based on the life, experiences and recollections of James Corden. In some cases names of people have been changed to protect the privacy of others. The author has stated to the publishers that, except in such respects, the contents of this book are accurate and true according to his memory of events.
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
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ISBN 9781846059353