by Amy Vansant
“I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess he didn’t change the contract?”
“No. I changed the contract. And once they looked into him they found all sort of other things wrong with the way he ran his business. Oh, and he was cheating on me. Did I mention that?”
“No… But back to the snakes. Did it ever occur to you to pay someone to remove the snakes?”
“Do you know how expensive it is to remove two hundred snakes from a house?”
Charlotte’s jaw fell. “Two hundred?”
“Give or take. Apparently, when snakes find a nice spot they send little messages to all the other snakes to stop by. They’re like scaly little hippies that way. Did you know that?”
“I did not. But thank you for killing any chance I had of ever sleeping again.”
“And in all fairness, the woman’s family were pet people. You know?”
“She had a family?”
“Oh yes. Couple of kids, a dog, a cat and two hamsters and…um…well…they had two hamsters…”
Gloria looked away and began chewing on her nail.
“Oh no…don’t tell me—”
Gloria dropped her hand on the sofa cushion and both Charlotte and the dog jumped. “Who takes hamsters into a house full of snakes?”
“I don’t know…maybe a person who is unaware their house is full of snakes?”
Gloria sighed and the agitation in her voice fell away to her usual squeaky tone.
“I didn’t know snakes ate hamsters. I thought they were too furry. They were teddy bear hamsters. Live and learn. I heard the cat had quite a scare too…”
Charlotte realized Abby, the furry love of her life, was lying on the lap of a woman who once fed a happy family and their pets to a serpent commune.
“Hey Abby, come here. Why don’t you give Miss Gloria some space?”
Charlotte snapped her fingers until the Wheaton jumped off the sofa and came to lie at her feet. She glanced at her notepad. She hadn’t written anything, but somehow she didn’t think she’d have any trouble remembering the story.
“I can’t tell you how frightened I am to ask about your other husband.”
Gloria waved a hand at her. “Oh it couldn’t be him. He’s dead.”
“Please tell me it didn’t have anything to do with snakes.”
“Ha! No. Don’t be silly. He died of a heart attack.”
“Oh thank goodness. No one can blame you for that.”
Gloria bit her lip and the smile melted from Charlotte’s face.
“Oh no. Please tell me it wasn’t your fault.”
“Well…he had the heart attack while he was fixing the television antenna on the roof.”
“That’s not your fault.”
“I insisted he fix it…”
“That still doesn’t make it your fault. It was an accid—”
“…during a lightning storm.”
“You sent him to the roof to adjust a metal antenna during a lightning storm?”
“Well, there was a lightning storm coming.”
“Did you know that?”
“Yes.”
“Did he?”
“No. He never cared about the weather. He was always saying things like, Who cares about the forecast? It will be what it is when it gets here. Oh, did I mention he was cheating on me?”
“Naturally.”
“And Murder She Wrote was on. I loved that show.”
Charlotte heard her pen fall but she didn’t pick it up. She couldn’t take her eyes off Gloria. For her own safety, she wasn’t sure she should.
“You know what’s funny?” said Gloria with a dreamy look on her face. She sat back and crossed her legs. “You’d think it’d be the fall from the roof that killed him, or that he’d be blown up by the lightning, but nope, in the end, it was a heart attack. And that was days later.”
As she said blown up she threw both hands in the air and splayed all her fingers, not unlike a magician after a particularly flashy trick.
Charlotte nodded slowly.
“Well…that is funny. Not in a ha-ha way, but in an isn’t-it-funny-the-many-ways-my-husband-could-have-died way. But on the upside, as you said, I guess he can’t be the one after you.”
“No…but his sister is still pretty angry with me. She thinks the stress of the fall caused the heart attack.”
“I suppose falling off a roof could be stressful.”
“It was a rancher. He fell fifteen feet and slightly twisted one ankle. I think fifty odd years of bacon and cigarettes are more likely culprits than me.”
She picked up her pen and jotted down snake lady, first husband and second husband’s sister.
“So… Is that all? You didn’t accidentally kill anyone or anything else?”
“No…well…do lizards count?”
Charlotte swallowed. “Go on…”
“Well, remember when I was working at the food store?”
“Yes?”
“I told everyone I quit, but really I was fired.”
“For killing lizards?”
“No silly. For telling a woman her kids were too fat for donuts.”
“Yikes.”
“It isn’t like I didn’t suggest some alternatives. I must have rattled off half a dozen healthy treats but darn if that woman didn’t complain to my manager anyway.”
“The nerve.”
“Exactly.”
“And you think that woman wants you dead?”
“No. But after they fired me I accidentally ran my car over a lizard and then I took its little squished body and put it in their pre-made fruit salad.”
Charlotte gasped. “The fresh fruit salad?”
“Right, but not at the buffet. The cut-fruit they put on the shelf in nice, clear plastic bins so you can spot a dead lizard in one from a hundred yards away.”
“Ohhh, you mean like the canister I have in my refrigerator that I’m going to throw away the first chance I get. Gotcha.”
Gloria tilted her head and ran her nails through her hair.
“Thing is, I should have waited a few days. It was serendipity that I ran over the lizard the same day I was fired… Cosmic justice.”
“Like the lightning.”
“Exactly! But I should have waited on the lizard so it wasn’t so obvious who did it. It’s not like I had to feed him. I could have kept his little squished body in a baggie or something.”
“Hindsight is twenty-twenty.”
“Exactly.”
Charlotte dropped her face into her palm and took a deep breath. “Is that it?”
“I think so.”
“Okay…well…if you think of anything else give me a call and I’ll come over tomorrow…”
Gloria jumped.
“No! That’s what I came over to tell you. I’m going to stay here for a few days.”
“What?” The word came out a little screechier than Charlotte intended and she cleared her throat. “I mean, come again?”
Gloria put her hands over her heart.
“It’s too dangerous to stay in my house! And I figured since you’re my detective…”
“I’m not your detective. I mean, even if I—”
“And that’s the other thing… I brought you this…”
Gloria stood and fished in her pocket. Charlotte winced; afraid she’d pull out a gun or a deadly asp.
“Here!” Gloria held out a crisp hundred-dollar bill.
“What’s this?”
“Your retainer while you work on my case.”
“My retainer?”
Charlotte took it. It was her first paying case. She stared at the bill in her hand.
My first official case.
“I… I guess you can stay in the spare room.”
“Great! Where is it? Down the hall?”
Gloria grabbed the handle of her suitcase and started walking to the back of the house. Abby stood, picked up the wig in her teeth and trotted after her, nub of a tail wagging.
&
nbsp; “First door on the right!”
“Got it!” called Gloria.
“Just try not to kill anything…” Charlotte added, mumbling.
Chapter Nine
“Hello?”
“Hey,” said Declan, sounding as sexy as a man saying hey could. Charlotte felt a bolt of excitement shoot through her.
Finally.
“There you are! I thought you’d never call me back!”
She slapped her hand to her mouth. That was exactly what she didn’t want to say.
“I mean, not that I was hanging here waiting or anything…you’re just usually faster so I was a little worried, like, for your safety…”
Much better. Smooth.
“I’m sorry…”
She smiled. His unrequired apology made her feel both better and stupid for worrying. “Oh jeeze. Don’t apologize.”
He sighed. “No, believe me; I wanted nothing more than to find a quiet moment to call you. It’s been crazy around here today. You have no idea.”
“You sound tired.”
“I’m exhausted.”
“Are you still at the shop?”
“I was just locking up. I was thinking about coming to your house if you don’t mind? Maybe I could pick up some dinner?”
“Oh, sure, that would be—”
“Charlotte?” echoed a voice from down the hall, cutting her comment short.
Oh right. Gloria.
She stared forlornly at the hundred-dollar bill sitting on her table. She had client responsibilities now.
“Do you have a washcloth I could borrow?” called Gloria.
“Charlotte?” said Declan in her other ear.
“Oh never mind, I found one in your closet.”
She heard a click as Gloria closed the bathroom door.
Charlotte tried to remember if Sherlock Holmes’ clients ever moved in with him. She thought not. Of course, he had Watson and Mrs. Hudson milling around all the time. No wonder he never had a love life.
She walked towards her lanai to keep Gloria from overhearing her conversation. No one knew better than she that old ladies could be diabolical when it came to eavesdropping. Mariska had pulled the I’m in the shower how could I possibly overhear anything? trick on her before, unaware of how red her ears glowed after pressing them against the bathroom door.
Declan’s voice called from the phone again. “Charlotte?”
“Sorry, just a second, I’m moving.”
“Moving?”
“Into another room.”
She felt confident Gloria wouldn’t have an electronic listening device like the one Darla bought at an estate sale. She’d claimed the purchase was for Frank and had nothing to do with the fact that Charlotte, high school-aged at the time, had started dating a boy.
Riiight.
Darla also swore she didn’t use her new toy to overhear what people said about her cooking during cooking club. Yet when she excused herself to go to the ladies’ room in the middle of the first course, everyone heard noises in the next room. The rustlings sounded suspiciously like a woman trying to slide on earphones without messing up her hairdo.
All’s fair in love and the pursuit of gossip.
She sat in her lounger and put the phone back to her ear. “There’s nothing I’d like better than to have you come over.”
“But…?”
“There is one tiny complication. I have a guest.”
“Who?”
“Gloria from the neighborhood. Little Gloria, not big Gloria.”
“I don’t know either.”
“No, I didn’t think you knew her. At least I hope you’re not on her radar. It would be safer for you if you never meet her.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s a long story. Maybe I could swing by your house instead?”
Declan sniffed. “Speaking of guests…”
“Oh right. Seamus. Has he started looking for houses yet?”
“He said he was today, though I’m ninety-nine percent sure it was just an excuse to get out of dusting. What if we met at sushi? It isn’t the most romantic place but it will feel like our time.”
“That could work…”
“Unless you have to play host?”
“No. Gloria already ate all my tuna on crackers for dinner and now she’s getting a shower and going to bed. I’ll have Abby here to protect her.”
“Protect her? What does that mean?”
“I’ll tell you when I see you.”
“Okay. I’ll pick you up in ten minutes?”
“See you then.”
Charlotte listened at the bathroom door and heard that the shower wasn’t running. She called to Gloria that she was going out for a bit.
The door cracked open and Gloria popped out her head, water dripping from her hair.
“You’re leaving me?”
“No one knows you’re here and you’ve got Abby to let you know if anyone gets near the house. I left my cell number on the counter if you need anything.”
Gloria’s big eyes swiveled as she gazed down the hallway.
“There are no ninjas sneaking around the house,” said Charlotte.
The eyes swiveled back and locked on her own.
“You don’t think it’s ninjas, do you?”
Charlotte laughed. “No! I was only kid— Wait. You never exacted your particular brand of revenge on a ninja, did you?”
“I don’t know any ninjas.”
“Good. Well…I’ll be back before you know it.”
“Okay. I’m going to bed anyway. Being hunted is exhausting.”
“I imagine. See you soon.”
Charlotte grabbed her handbag and headed outside to wait. As she strolled to the bottom of her driveway, she noticed a red car parked across the street and fifty feet from her home. It seemed unusually sporty for the neighborhood. She suspected someone was in the car; the brake lights were glowing, but the person wasn’t visible.
Just as she began to wonder if she should stay and watch over Gloria, the car pulled away from her and disappeared around the corner.
Probably someone checking directions. People often pulled into the neighborhood to get their bearings straight. They definitely weren’t looking for Pineapple Port with a racy car like that. Though, every once in a while a resident would go through a second or third midlife crisis and things got a little weird.
A few minutes later Declan arrived and she hopped into the passenger seat.
“Hey,” she said.
He leaned towards her, his eyes closing and lips puckering. They kissed and he lingered a moment before sitting back.
“Well hello sailor,” she said.
He smiled. “I needed that. I need a hug too but seatbelts make that difficult.”
“I know. What good is safety when it keeps hugs at bay?”
“Seriously.”
“So, tell me about your crazy day.”
“You go first.”
As they drove to dinner she told him about the missing witch, switched lawn decorations, Gloria’s threatening note and the fire.
“Jeeze,” he muttered as they got out of the car to walk into Katana Kuts. “Your day is putting mine to shame. Now I feel stupid. You’re hiding a woman that someone wants to kill in your home?”
“When you say it like that it sounds like a bad idea.”
“Um, yes. How did you see it?”
“Like having a sweet old lady puttering around my home asking for bath towels. I’m sure it will turn out to be nothing. Frank thinks it’s kids playing pranks. Oh! And it’s my first paying detective job, so that part is kind of exciting.”
“Ah…” he took his seat at the counter. “Sounds more like your first paying bed and breakfast job.”
“But potentially deadly!”
“Right! Bonus!”
Charlotte arched an eyebrow at him.
“I’m detecting a note of sarcasm.”
Declan exhaled and rubbed his eye wi
th the heel of his palm.
“I’m sorry. I’m not belittling what you’re trying to do. I’m just…worried for you.”
Charlotte felt a breeze rustling the hair on her forearm and looked down to find Kim, Katana Kuts’ tiny, close-talking waitress, standing beside her.
She looked at Declan and motioned to Kim with her eyes.
“Hey Kim,” he said.
“Hello Mr. Declan,” said Kim, a nervous giggle in her voice.
“It’s good to see you,” said Charlotte.
“Good to see you Miss Charlotte!”
Charlotte ordered some saki for them to share. Declan and she had been to the restaurant a few times since their first visit and now had a pattern; a bottle of unfiltered saki, three rolls (which rotated between five favorite choices) and a smattering of sashimi depending on their mood. If they didn’t order anything too odd, it kept Kim from crawling in their laps to read the menu out loud as she tried to memorize their order.
Charlotte turned back to Declan. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
“You’re probably right. Why would anyone want to kill a little old lady?”
Charlotte chose not to enumerate the multitude of ways Gloria might have attracted the ire of others. First, it would only worry him. Second, it would take the rest of the evening to list them all.
Her hand was resting on her thigh and his came to rest on it. He curled his fingers beneath hers.
“I’ve missed you,” he said.
She felt a wave of emotion. “I feel like it’s been weird between us. Has it?”
“No, I mean…yes, I know what you mean but not bad weird. We’ve just had a lot going on and a lot of visitors. There hasn’t been much time for us.”
She nodded. “That’s it. Good. I mean, good we’re on the same page. Romantically speaking.”
He nodded. “Same page. And I don’t mean to be unsupportive, ever, but do know going forward that I’m a little worried. I know you’re new to the job, but don’t forget private investigator is a dangerous occupation. You need to be careful.”
“Are you saying you’d miss me if something happened?”
He smirked. “Maybe.”
He pulled her toward him and kissed her on the forehead. His lips felt soft and her shoulders relaxed. If he could bottle whatever he had done, chiropractors would be out of business. She wanted to fall into him and take a nap. It had been a busy day and curling up with him would feel amazing.